I am so sorry.

It's been ages, I know. I even said I'd probably update in March in my profile. But the poll didn't close till early January, and for the past four months I've been completing my two major projects for the academic year.

Thank you to everyone who voted, specifically, FrostyDew, Scaehime, Ari Cifer, Moshigami, and YamPanda. You guys are all awesome.

Anyways, to be honest, I can't even be sure of the quality of this chapter anymore. I may go back and do a second Uryu list to make up for this one at some point. And you know, in light of the Thousand Year Blood War, Rule 98 seems like a bit of a Funny Aneurysm, doesn't it? I swear I didn't realize while I was writing it.

Yes, I stole this chapter title blatantly from Tite Kubo. I couldn't resist. It was too perfect.

By the way, on a totally irrelevant note, today is my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday!

And now that all that's over with, I now present to you a special list written by Uryu Ishida. Featuring a very special appearance by Orihime Inoue.


Ishida Uryu was looking for a sewing shop when he passed by a bulletin board. It seemed odd to him that there was any semblance of organization in the Seireitei, so he came forward to examine its contents.

Ten minutes later, he was staring at the papers in his hand in shock. "What is this nonsense?" He was absolutely horrified. "The shinigami are even worse than I thought!"

He whipped out the pen and notebook he always kept handy and started scribbling furiously. Within half an hour he'd drafted a new set of rules he was sure would improve their personalities and efficiency admirably, making sure to mimic the format of the notices he'd seen.

"There!" he declared in satisfaction. He would have copies made as soon as he could find some kind of printing shop and then post them on the board. "Now let the Seireitei see how a Quincy does things."

(Well, not really. He hadn't signed the list so it'd seem like a legitimate missive. But he'd know these changes were because of him, and that was what counted, right?)

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89. The standard shinigami shihakusho is to be changed to a uniformly white color.

"If they must behave in such an unseemly fashion, at the very least they don't have to dress like heathens," he muttered. "Although, should I really be helping them deceive the world as to the their brutishness? Should I really be dressing them as though they were heroes instead of slovenly beasts?"

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90. Every shinigami is to take lessons in dramatic speaking.

Corollary to Rule 90: Rule 88 is hereby revoked.

"Timing is everything. If they manage to use the right tone at the right moment, they may actually be able to market themselves in a way that does not involve, 'We're your best option.'" He glanced at Hitsugaya's last list. "I see that they already know how to do dramatic posing. Well, that's a start, at least. I can build off that . . ."

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91. All shinigami are to take anger management classes.

Let's see . . . so far, Byakuya nearly murdered Ikkaku for teaching Yachiru The Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves, Hitsugaya turned someone into an icicle for calling him Shiro-chan, Hitsugaya attempted to kill Renji for setting Hinamori up on a blind date with an Aizen lookalike, Byakuya and Rukia have both attacked those who couldn't identify their drawings, Hitsugaya threatened to lower the temperature in his division to below freezing cause Rangiku was whining, Hinamori still attacks anyone who badmouths Aizen, Hitsugaya (again? Should he really be the one writing most of the lists?) tried to murder Renji for stocking his fridge with milk, Zaraki turned someone into a training doll for calling him a kitty-cat (although, to be fair, that was less anger and more his default reaction to anything), Ikkaku and Sui-Feng have at least considered murder to keep their (bankai and kitty worshipping, respectively) secrets hidden, Hitsugaya froze Ikkaku and Yumichika into a block of ice for letting themselves get hit by cars, various unknown shinigami attempted to murder Yumichika for denouncing their lineages and general arrogance, and Hitsugaya will imply violence to avoid mentions of Kyoraku's list . . . uh, nothing; what are you talking about, implying Kyoraku did something? Byakuya had to be threatened with Unohana to stop him from killing Yachiru and random members of the Eleventh for her constant break-ins, and Byakuya did something to people who he thought were insulting flowers.

Admittedly, Uryu didn't witness all of these, but he did see several, and he's heard about most of the others through the Seireitei grapevine. He has concluded that everyone is insane.

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92. All shinigami with artistic interests must attend mandatory instruction in their field of choice.

"If they really must graffiti the place, they should at least be accurate about it," decided Uryu. "I caught a glimpse of the mural and it did not do that slimy filth justice. He looked far too personable and kind."

On the other end of the phone, Orihime, who had also seen the Mayuri mural, said, "I don't think it was as bad as you're making it out to be. I thought the drawing was really good!"

Uryu was too far gone in his ranting to hear her.

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93. The Eleventh Division is to take up sewing.

"At least this way, they can be somewhat productive to society," Uryu muttered. "Perhaps I can relieve some of the burden of the Fourth Division as well, if they can perform their own stitches."

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94. The Eleventh Division is to be locked away immediately in separate jail cells and never released until all prove they have learned the alphabet.

Uryu figured the alphabet was the best form of academic accomplishment he could ever hope for from those barbarians. He also figured that forcing them all to learn it before any were let out would be a great way to encourage teamwork.

"At last, I have finally been able to put Kenpachi to some use!" he said triumphantly. "After all, he will not be able to fight in this jail cell, so he will use whatever method he devised to motivate his squad to get them to learn!" A thought occurred to him, and he frowned. "Perhaps, while I am at it, I should have them learn the German alphabet as well . . ."

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95. The Twelfth Division has been outlawed. We begin nuking in five minutes.

Needless to say, Uryu still hadn't forgiven them for what they'd done to his grandfather. But he couldn't resist throwing an American history reference in there like the geek show-off he was.

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96. All shinigami are to draw up a detailed schedule each week and submit it to their superior officer. Failure to comply to this schedule shall lead to immediate execution.

Uryu hated procrastination, so he considered scheduling Serious Business. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten that roughly half the captains and lieutenants in the Gotei 13 seem to be under the impression that "common sense" and "responsibility" are foreign things that might be good to eat . . .

Kira, notably, approved a schedule with half the days' hours dedicated to "emotional catharsis" (sobbing and wailing, most likely about Ichimaru Gin) and the other half reserved for "self-therapy" (drinking and drunk dialing). That was among the more reasonable ones.

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97. Capes are to be banned throughout the Seireitei.

"I may be willing to dress them in white, but I draw the line at capes! Capes are far, far too cool for the likes of them." The last word was said in an appropriate venomous whisper as Uryu's dark eyes filled with murderous rage. "If I ever catch one of them sullying the good reputation of capes, then I'll—"

What he'd do was never discovered, as he promptly became incoherent with fury.

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98. Glasses are to be considered sacred.

Uryu was really getting sick of how often people mocked him and called him Four Eyes. "No one truly understands the trials of living with glasses!" he muttered. "They slide around constantly during battle, making aim difficult, they break often, and Aizen wore them to deceive people. Which just goes to show how little people think of glasses-wearers that just a pair of glasses was an effective disguise for his evil. And now the general populace seems to be overcompensating and suspecting anyone with glasses of being secretly murderous . . ."

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Once he'd gotten the list copied out and posted, he went to visit Orihime and finished recounting the story of his new rules, finishing with, "And good riddance to them!"

Orihime sat there in companionable silence, sipping her tea. After a while, she spoke up. "You know, Uryu, you wanting to help them improve so much makes it sound like you rather like them," she said thoughtfully.

Uryu reddened for a moment before slamming his hands down on the table. "Absolutely not!" he roared. "Why would I ever like those imbecilic morons?!"