"God!" Miranda looked more befuddled than angry as she backed away from the awkward hug. "Who wounded you?"
"What?" Paige looked at her with an uncomfortable smile.
"Oh, fuck," Miranda exclaimed with a look of disgust. "Don't tell you're one of those small-town chicks who has a problem with a gay girl in the locker room.
"No!" Paige scoffed. Her voice was high-pitched defensive. She could hear how false it sounded. "One of my teammates in high school was gay, and I never had a problem with it. I mean, my Dad had a problem with it, but…" Paige inhaled deeply and let it out. She didn't need to see the annoyed expression on Miranda's face to know how fake her words sounded. She dropped her shoulders and sat down, straddling the bench in front of the row of lockers. Miranda took the cue and sat facing her. "Look," Paige said, dipping her head. "I'm honestly not homophobic." She peeked up at Miranda to read her level of skepticism. "My parents were kind of… distant when I was growing up. They were the typical repressed, WASPY, no-signs-of-physical-affection couples. It… I kind of… My body never really learned how to interact with people." Paige looked up, tightening her lips and shrugging her left shoulder. It was the truth, take it or leave it.
Miranda mirrored her shrug. "No, I get it." She raised an eyebrow, adding, "I think. Kind of like those cats who never had any humans around when they were kittens?" Paige didn't reply. Miranda stood up, offering both hands to help Paige to her feet. "Let's try this again," Miranda said slowly. She took a step back from Paige. "Great swimming, Paige!" She spread her arms out wide. "I'm going to give you a hug, now."
Paige nodded her head and spread her arms out, taking a step closer.
Paige really liked Miranda, although she hadn't known her very long. She was a good swimmer and a great teammate, and she was very non-judgmental. She was a lot like Emily, in those respects. Miranda's look was a lot different from Emily's, though. Paige didn't know the right word for it, but she would've described it as harder than Emily's. She had a kind of Ruby Rose vibe going on, with the cropped hair, the tattoos, and very angular face and frame. She was what Paige thought lesbians looked like, before she found out that Emily was gay.
Paige might have been attracted to her, if she had been attracted to women. The fact was, Paige wasn't attracted to anyone at all. She could only afford to be attracted to swimming. Miranda might not have agreed with that philosophy, but she got it, in a way that Emily never had.
Paige regretted that she hadn't been able to convince Emily to try for Stanford. She was convinced that Emily and Miranda would've been good friends – and maybe even more than friends.
Paige didn't spend too much time thinking about Emily, but she did think about her. She worried for her. She never contacted Emily directly, but she checked in on her from time to time, in her Instagram stories. She could see that Emily wasn't happy. If Emily had expected to find a more open-minded community when she chose a school in Southern California, she chose the wrong school. Pomona was pretty repressive, when it came to gay rights. Emily still maintained an – active – social life, but she had to do it on the down-low. In pictures that Emily posted with girls, they were always with a group. But Paige knew her former teammate well enough to know which one was that girl. There was a certain smile; a subtle half-glance, the friendly way that Emily's hand rested on the girl's shoulder. Paige also knew that, when Emily's posts were too cute, too positive or too inspirational, it could only mean one thing: Emily was consoling herself after a break-up. At those times, Paige was always quick to post an uplifting comment or, occasionally, to send a DM. They may have moved on from high school, but Paige still defended her teammate fiercely.
Not that life was that much easier for Paige, either. Academics were a lot tougher at Stanford than they had been in Rosewood high, and Coach Meehan insisted that his swimmers excel in the classroom as much or more so than they did in the pool. Also the level of competition on the team was much higher than it had been in high school. Paige was up to the challenge, though. She wasn't afraid of putting in the work.
But, sometimes, life throws you a curve ball.
Paige was doing stadia in the athletic center, to build up her resistance, when she missed a step on the way down and went tumbling onto the ground. The pain was excruciating. Paige was tough; she got up and tried to continue, but, as soon as she put weight on her knee, she knew that it wasn't happening. She managed to limp out to her car and make it back to her dorm, where she texted the assistant coach to let her know what had happened. Coach Slusser texted back, telling her to contact the trainer, but Paige assured her that she was okay; she was just going to ice it down, take some Tylenol, and check in with the trainer in the morning.
Her knee throbbed all through the night. It was still fairly swollen in the morning. Paige texted the trainer and set to meet her in the athletic center. Miranda helped her to her car and drove her over, staying with her throughout the medical assessment.
It wasn't good.
Paige had torn her ACL. She was finished for the year.
Paige could have dealt with the physical pain. If it had been possible, she would gladly have taken more pain if that meant that she could get back in the pool faster. But that wasn't an option.
Paige had to wait three months after her surgery before the doctors would even let her start working her upper body again. When she finally got the cast off, she had to go through months grueling physical therapy just to get back to walking normally, before she could even think about starting to work at regaining her leg strength. The only consolation was that much of her rehab took place in the pool. It felt great to be back in the water, but she got in trouble more than once when she couldn't help herself and did a quick sprint, just to feel herself moving at speed again. Every time, she paid the price the next morning, with throbbing pain in her knee.
Paige was red-shirted her sophomore year. She worked out with the team, but she wasn't in competition-shape. Coach Meehan protected her scholarship, assuring her that the team needed her back, but only when she was fully ready.
Paige was still able to compete and win championships when she rejoined the team in her junior year, but it was obvious that her hopes of swimming beyond college were over.
Paige was devastated – and not just for herself. She was more devastated for her parents. She knew she'd let them down. "I was their only shot," she told Miranda. "There are no other kids at home behind me. They put all their eggs in one basket. And dropped it."
"Paige…" Miranda began, trying to give Paige some perspective.
"What?" Paige said defiantly. "What have they got to show for their investment?"
"You're not their investment – you're their child. It's their responsibility to make sure you're on the right path in life, and that you have everything that you need."
Paige shrugged her shoulders in defeat. She knew that she wasn't going to convince Miranda, and Miranda wasn't going to understand her point of view. She sat up a little, and Miranda released her from her arms, setting her free. Paige sniffled. When she spoke again, her voice was very soft. "You know what I can't help thinking?" Miranda shook her head. "It feels as if I've been sold a bag of goods, you know? I mean, my whole life, I've been told that you have to work hard and make sacrifices in order to get to your goals. So, I did all that, gave up... fucking everything - and what do I have to show for it? And the worst part? It's all my fault. I'm the one who blew it!"
"Come on, Paige. You can't blame yourself. It was an accident - it could have happened to anyone!"
"I'm not even talking about the accident!" Paige screeched "I'm talking about all the stupid choices I made. All the times I said 'No,' and denied myself what I really wanted. And I still didn't achieve my goals!" Paige chuckled bitterly. "I could've had fun high school, if I'd known I was going to end up a second-tier swimmer anyway."
"Okay, well, first of all," Miranda said calmly, "I'd hardly call Stanford Varsity second-tier."
Paige rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."
"And, second of all - why are you talking as if your life is over?" Miranda shoved Paige's shoulder. "You're young. You still have time to recover. I mean, look at it this way: What if you had hit all your goals, won Olympic medals, made a fortune in endorsements, done everything you wanted to do in life, and then, one day, you wake up in your fifties and you realize all the things you denied yourself?" Miranda put her arm around Paige's shoulder. "Maybe Fate didn't curse you. Maybe Fate did you a favor, giving you a wake-up call while you there's still time to fix things."
Paige shrugged her shoulders, running her fingers through her hair. "You know what I realized?" she asked.
"What?"
Paige pulled her leg onto the couch so that she could sit facing Miranda. Miranda moved her arm, letting her hand drop and land on Paige's knee.
"I think…" Paige dipped her head. "I think I'm… gay."
Miranda rolled her eyes and gave Paige's knee a playful squeeze. "No, you're not!" she said dismissively.
Paige's jaw dropped. She was making the biggest admission of her life, but Miranda wasn't taking her seriously.
Miranda slapped her hands against her knees and stood up. "Paige, look at me!" Paige looked up at her. "I'm like the poster-child for what every straight person thinks a lesbian looks like. Do you think you're the first straight girl in college who feels like doing a bit of experimentation, and – 'Oh, look! There's Miranda! The safe way for me to explore my freaky side!'?"
"Argh!" Paige stood up, her fists balled in frustration. "Did you ever think this might not be about you? For once in your life?"
Miranda didn't take offense, even though the past hour and a half had been all about Paige, not her. She was more surprised than offended. She cocked her head to the side. "It's not?" Paige rolled her eyes, turning her back on her friend. "Oh." Miranda was surprised, but it came out as disappointed. "Well, good. Because, to be honest, I've taken advantage of more than a couple of girls who've said those four words to me." Paige spun around to face her, smiling in uncomfortable shock over what Miranda was admitting. Miranda leaned in, whispering to make the point that she was being sincere. "And that's why I dismissed you, Paige. I wouldn't take advantage of someone who means a lot to me."
"Okay," Paige said, smiling.
"It was just so typical, you know? Straight girl gets depressed, usually over a guy, and straight girl decides she's gay."
Paige laughed lightly. "No, this isn't a spur of the moment thing. I've been wrestling with it for..." - Paige threw her hands up in frustration - "...years. It was something that I could never acknowledge, because being gay didn't fit into the master plan to get me to my goals. But now that my goals have been totally shot out from under me..."
Miranda gave her a sympathetic half-smile, choosing her next words carefully. "So… if you've been dealing with this for a while, is there... a certain someone who's got you thinking that way?"
Paige rolled her eyes. "This isn't about a 'somebody.' " She thought it over and revised her answer. "It's about me. It's not about me coming out as gay, but me coming out as a person - a person who's actually allowed to have an attraction for another person - or for anything other than swimming." She dipped her head sadly. "I was never allowed to have feelings like that before."
"Paige," Miranda whispered softly, looking on the verge of tears.
All of a sudden, Paige got animated, practically leaping into the air. "Damn it!" She paced around, flailing her arms wildly and occasionally pounding her fist into her palm. She was getting a full head of steam, the way she did when she gave the team a psych-up speech, but, this time, she was psyching up herself.
"I'm tired of being Little Miss Perfect. The good girl. The Paige who plays by the rules. I want to be bad! I want to… I want to go to a dirty dive bar, meet somebody, and become her drunken mistake! I want to make out with the bartender! I want to punch a cop! I want to… I want to…" Paige stopped to take a look at Miranda, certain that she would be laughing at her. But Miranda was just watching her, patiently, sincerely. No judgment. Paige took a step closer to her. "Do you know a place like that?"
"Yeah," Miranda smiled softly. "I know just the place."
Paige was smiling, grinning occasionally, as she rode in the passenger's seat on the way to wherever Miranda was taking her. It wasn't just the anticipation of her wild, uninhibited night; it was the mystery. Miranda had made her wear a blindfold. That only made things more exciting for Paige, who reasoned that they had to be going to some kind of underground, illicit speakeasy, whose location was a closely guarded secret. She could only imagine what lay in store for her.
Miranda pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine. "Ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be!" Paige was smiling from ear to ear.
Paige felt Miranda's hands reaching for the blindfold. She swatted them away. "What are you doing? Don't I have to be inside first, so I don't get any clues about my surroundings?"
Miranda chuckled. "You probably don't want to walk into this place with a blindfold on. Just… Just promise me that you won't back out , once you see where we are."
Paige, without thinking, clapped her hands together in excitement. "I won't back out!" she assured her. "I can't effin' wait!"
Miranda sighed. "Okay. Here goes!"
The smile faded from Paige's face once her eyes adjusted to the light, and she saw where they were. "Dave and Busters?"
"Baby steps…"
"I'm not a baby!"
"I know you're not, Paige. But I also know that you don't want to get drunk and spend all night doing stuff you'll regret tomorrow morning." Miranda rubbed Paige's shoulder. "Come on. Let's go blow off a little steam."
Paige managed a half-smile. In her heart, she knew that Miranda was right. She squeezed the hand that was around her shoulder. "Thank you."
Paige flung open the car door and bolted outside. "Last one in's a rotten egg!"
Miranda laughed out loud as she grabbed her purse and Paige's, locked the car, and jogged towards the entrance. She knew that Paige was going to be all right.
