Author's Note: At the bottom again. This switches points of view.
Nice reviews are better than chocolate, unless maybe you're licking that chocolate off someone.
Ten: The Good Doctor
Alice came to visit me the day after I went to the Huntington Library with Dr. Masen. She picked up on my lingering feelings of humiliation immediately.
"What's going on?" She demanded rather than asked. She leaned forward on her elbows, staring me down.
I shook my head, "just a bad couple of days is all." I hoped that would be enough, that she was politically correct enough not to question a mental patient about their "bad day."
"Something happened. I know you better than anyone, Bella. Don't lie to me."
I shrugged, tried to make no big thing of it, but was aware enough to keep my voice low. "I tried to kiss Dr. Masen yesterday."
"What?!" Her eyes were wide, her expression going from surprised to outrage almost faster than I could register it. She quieted to an angry, rushed whisper. "He can lose his license for that! Has he been coming on to you this whole time? He's probably doing this with other patients. Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry! To think that he would take advantage of you like that," she paused, shaking her head. "Don't worry, ok? I'll take care of everything; you won't have to see him ever again." She pulled out her cell phone.
"Alice, stop," I reached, meaning to grab the phone, but got air instead. "I didn't say he came on to me; I said I came on to him -,"
"That doesn't matter, Bella; he's your doctor."
"It's fine; he didn't let it happen anyway. So…everything's fine." I crossed my arms in front of me.
Alice sighed heavily. "I don't like this."
"I'll be fine," there was that word again – fine. "It was wrong, ok? I know that now."
She looked at me helplessly. "Be careful, Bella." She switched to a safer topic and didn't mention my confession again.
I think she hoped what she said would sink in, but I knew I was in too deep already. It wasn't the failed kiss that kept me up that night; it was the way his wrist felt under my fingers. How for that moment there was nothing between us, no desk and no office, no regulations or punishments. And somewhere beside that, far in the back, was another thing that I wasn't entirely willing to see, but knew I had to admit. He was saying goodbye. I had felt it the whole day in the way he was distracted by the time, the way he looked when he told me to keep his watch. I didn't know when, but he was leaving. It was just as well.
The next morning, I got a new roommate. I was writing the date in my journal when Esme and the girl came inside. I think it's July now, I'd stopped writing every day and had lost track of time. Esme opened the door and started talking with no preamble. "Good morning Bella, your new roommate is here. This is Tanya, Tanya this is Bella."
Esme stayed near the doorway and let us get acquainted. I couldn't be as confident and nonchalant as Rosalie had been during our first meeting, especially not with a girl that looked like this one did. Tanya was blonde, but her hair had more red in it than Rosalie's. And she looked like one of those World War II era calendar girls. She held her arms around herself tightly, her small green duffel bag pressed against her middle; I noticed the laces had been taken out of her shoes. We both listened as Esme gave the same speech from when I was new. After she left I decided to take a page from Rosalie's manual.
"What are you in for?" It felt unnatural to ask, privacy invasion was not my pastime of choice.
She moved her bag to one hand and touched the other to the bed; she tilted her head like she was recalling something pleasant. "Addiction," she answered.
I wondered to what, but didn't ask. She didn't have the reddish puffiness of an alcoholic, or the paranoid withdrawal of a drug user. I watched her sweep a hand over the bed again.
When I got to Dr. Masen's office that afternoon, I decided not to knock, but then changed my mind at the last minute so I ended up knocking while opening the door. He wasn't alone in his office, there was a woman sitting in the chair I usually occupied, dressed casually, but still too nicely to be a patient. I stood in the doorway, my hand still on the knob, looking back and forth between them.
They stood at the same time and the woman smiled at me. "Bella, come in," her voice was quiet; it was like listening to someone speak through a low breeze. I came in hesitantly and remained standing.
"Bella, this is Dr. Weber; I'd like the three of us to get to know each other today, if that's alright." His voice was professional and a little louder than normal; he didn't look into my eyes for more than a split second at a time. I crossed my arms around my middle; it was happening already. "Dr. Weber is going to sit in with us for a while today, and then I'll give you a chance to speak to me privately. Is that alright?" He asked again.
I nodded.
"Do you prefer the couch or the chair?" Dr. Weber asked.
I cleared my throat, but my voice still cracked, "chair." She moved to the couch so I could sit down; I brought my knees up, wrapped my arms around them tightly to keep from shaking. I couldn't make myself believe that this was really happening. Again. Just as I let my guard down, just as I was letting the light in; I should have known better. Had I been a different sort of person I might have laughed.
Dr. Weber asked a lot of questions about my preferences. Morning or night? Asking questions or answering them? Simple things, this or that, easing me in. She also asked how I liked Sonoma; she said she was born there. I wanted to tell her I should have died there. At the end she asked if I had any questions or concerns and I wondered if she knew he hadn't told me about the switch yet. I shook my head. She said it was nice to have met me and I could tell she was debating on whether or not to shake my hand; she didn't.
It felt like tiny hummingbird wings were beating inside my chest by the time Dr. Weber left. I didn't know how to play it, angry? Hurt? Ignorant? Relieved?
"What did you think of Dr. Weber?"
I turned to him blankly, my body still pressing in on itself. I couldn't think of anything to say, the new doctor was like a strange dream I'd had that I'd already forgotten. "I didn't eat lunch today." His desk was empty of everything but what I assumed was my file. I watched his face for a reaction that wasn't there. I couldn't decide what was real, this or the Edward Masen from before.
"I'm sorry, but I already ate, so there isn't anything in here but half a bottle of water. You can have a nurse take you to the cafeteria once we're finished." He steepled his fingers in front of him and the little rhyme ran through my head. Here's the church, here's the steeple, open it up, where's all the people? "Now, I imagine you have some questions."
Just one, actually. "How long before you're not my doctor anymore?"
He looked surprised, but masked it quickly. "I'm hoping to make the transition within the next two weeks. That will be subject to change, of course."
"Depending on how easily I accept it?" I knew that was exactly what he meant, but I liked seeing a genuine reaction.
He eyed me carefully, "yes. Do you have other questions?"
I let my feet touch the floor, this was going to be my only chance; I could already see the door closing and I was desperate. "Why are you doing this? Is it because of what happened the other day? Because I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -,"
"No," he interrupted. "It wasn't…that. Bella…," he trailed off, his voice was slowly returning to the tone I was used to. "Bella, you and I have a doctor/patient relationship and nothing more. I can't…," he stopped again; he looked frustrated. "It wouldn't be appropriate, plus I could lose my practice. There are rules, rules that I happen to abide by. We crossed a line and I have to make sure that doesn't happen again." I saw him trying to bring the hardness back to his face.
I stood up, unsure of what I was doing. "And if you weren't my doctor anymore?" Here I was, take it or leave it.
He cleared his throat, "We cannot have a relationship, regardless. It would still be unethical and the same consequences would apply." He made the motion of checking the time, not remembering he'd given me his watch, then looked at a small clock on the wall. "Our time is up for today; I'll see you on Friday, Bella." He pushed back from his desk, indicating we were finished. I followed the nurse back to my room, where I wished for the first time that I didn't share it with anyone.
The girl was in the hallway when I got back, Victoria. She chewed on the nail of her index finger, the same cruel smile on her face; she waited for the nurse to leave before she said anything. "I know what you did," she said, dropping her hand to her side. She flicked a section of red hair behind one shoulder; she looked like a cat twitching her tail.
I sighed, impatient. "And what's that?" My hand was on the doorknob.
The sudden malice in her expression frightened me. "You killed your boyfriend."
By the time our appointment was over, my resolve was shaking. By the end of the day, it had dissolved completely. "Just go to your car and drive home." I said to myself. I made a list earlier in the afternoon of things to get done.
Throw out sandwich stuff
Buy groceries
Go for a run
Talk to the front office about renewing my apartment lease for another year
I stuffed my laptop into my bag and grabbed my keys to lock up; it was a little earlier than normal and I felt a stab of guilt about missing one of my daily talks with Carlisle. But on my list of things I should feel guilty about, that was near the bottom.
You did the right thing.
No. I should go find her and beg for her forgiveness. How will she ever trust me again if she thinks I can just throw her away?
That's not an issue anymore; you did what you had to do. She's better off without you.
"Edward, hi," I heard Angela Weber's voice behind me as I stepped into the hall. It was exactly the person I did not want to see.
"Hello Angela, are you done for the day?" I slung my bag over my shoulder and repeated my to-do list in my head.
"Yes, long day. I actually wanted to talk to you for a minute. Are you parked out front?" I said I was and she offered to walk with me. "How was Bella after I left this afternoon?"
I couldn't tell her the truth; I could feel what I wanted to say rising in my throat. This was the reason I didn't want to see her; I knew my house of cards would collapse. It would be so easy – I take it all back, your services are no longer required. Just say it, lie to her. "Actually, Angela," I paused as we stepped into the elevator. "She isn't transitioning as well as I'd hoped."
She didn't seem too put out. "Well, it was only the first session; I'm sure she'll get more comfortable as time goes on. We'll just have to be careful; I wouldn't want to put anymore undo stress on her."
I jumped in without thinking about it. "I think maybe this was a mistake. I mean, she has such serious abandonment issues, I'm afraid this will make it worse after all," I felt like it wasn't me talking, not the me I was used to. I screamed at myself to fix it, that leaving was the best thing for the both of us, but no resolution would come. I felt this conversation like an avalanche.
Angela paused just outside the elevator, "but I thought you needed to lighten your workload?"
I shook my head, "I can handle this. It'll be better for Bella this way; I don't want to lose all the progress we've made." I could feel my own desperation; I could feel the heat of the fire I was playing with.
Angela nodded, accepting. It was almost too easy.
Author's Note: Naughty rule breaking Edward, tsk tsk.
Anyway, thanks to everyone! And news - my stories Letters to Gramercy and Saving Edward have made it through to the final round of the Indies! Thanks to everyone who voted, it means the world to me. I think the final round of voting starts on the 22nd; the link to the Indies site is in my profile.
Also, I wanted to say a special thank you to the ladies over at The Perv Pack's Smut Shack for recommending Letters on their site! Thank you and you make me want to write dirty one shots.
