Previously on Dance Academy: Last Chapter: In a return to old patterns, Christian found it hard to talk to Tara about his decision not to join the company, but when he finally hinted about it, it only resulted in making Tara hurt even more. How is he going to cope with facing Tara's mum after all that has happened?
Muddled up
Jan goes to the nurses' counter, has a few words with one of them then comes back to me with a new found energy in her step.
I follow her out and I just don't know why but I'm scrambling for something to say. I've lived in this woman's home for nearly a month and I can't find a single thing to talk about. It's like an interview all over again, but one in which I have to choose the topic through which to sell myself rather than just answer questions. It's so much worst. And it's with this woman, a woman that I really like and value, the mother of the girl I love. I doubt Tara told her everything about our tormented relationship, but surely she knows enough that I have to regain her trust. Talk about high stakes for rebuilding a good impression. And it freezes me.
We reach the plaza outside the hospital without exchanging one word. She stops right after the revolving doors, looking this way and that. 'I have no idea how to get to the boarding house from here,' she says with a shy smile.
'Well, there are buses, but if we walk it would take, I don't know, about half an hour. Or I have my bike.'
Jan cocks her head to peer at me. 'A motorbike?'
I shrug. 'Yeah.'
'And you are careful with it.'
'Yeah, of course.' I swallow hard, it's always tough for me when she's all motherly like that. I know full well it's ingrained in her, that it's instinctive kindness, but it always reminds me that my mum isn't there to do that for me anymore. The sadness is too quickly followed by anger mixed with stubborn pride. And that bothers me even more. Why can't emotions come as a individual unit, single and simple. Can't I just be grateful for her care without all the guilt, pain, and disdain tagging along? But they do, and my tone has been so rude.
'I could do with a walk.'
'Okay.' I lead her forward. We have walked down three streets before she speaks again: 'How did you get to know Sydney so well?'
'We've moved around a lot when I was growing up, but always here, in Sydney, and I travel everywhere on my skateboard. I can't claim to know it like the back of my hand, but close enough.'
Jan sighs and stares at the top of the buildings beside us. 'The first time I came to Sydney was during Tara's first year. I can't even imagine living in a city, let alone growing up in one.'
'Like everything else, it has its pros and cons.'
'Hmm hmm.'
'It can be hard at times, especially in the not-so-nice parts of town, but you learn quickly to be tough enough. What I really love about Sydney's the sea. I could completely live out of a city, but never inland, I love my surfing too much.'
Jan gave me one of those disarming smiles that makes me feel like I'm five again, and there goes another mix of reactions: it's cute and also damn right insulting.
'Skate boarding, surfing, dancing, all very physical stuff.'
'Yeah.'
'What do you get out of it?'
'What, dancing?'
'Dancing and the rest.'
I glance at her from the corner of my eyes. Normally, when people ask me questions about myself, my stomach goes all tight, like I'm readying for a punch. But she's looking around as if it's not remotely personal. I guess Tara's like that too, she thinks something, she says it. Or at least she used to...
I want to answer, to be more open with Jan, I trust her enough, but it so goes against my instincts, my deeply ingrained habits. I take a deep breath and summon up what it feels like to crest a wave, to nail the perfect flick or spin, to reach for those super high leaps. 'It's like- it's you and your body against the elements, but also your body against your mind, when it says no and you still push and do it, when you toy with that balance between what you've done before and what you're willing to do to go that bit further. When you push your body that far, nothing else matters, you're let loose to test your limits. It's exhilarating.'
Jan stops for a second and looks at me as if I've suddenly become very interesting, and deep. 'Tara says she dances because she wants to feel like she's flying but when I watch her dance, it's like magic. She isn't flying but she can make me feel like it. When she dances, she takes me to a different place, I can be someone else for that little while, and then the dance stops and I realise that this is my daughter, and I feel so proud.'
I nod. I completely got what she means. Tara just drifts off into that special dance place of hers, and it is magical. I wish I could.
'I've only seen you dance a few times, Christian. When you dance, you make me feel something else.'
I stop in my track, my thoughts crashing around in my head in a complete mayhem of incoherence, and not just a hint of anxiety. What?
'When you dance, I don't know, you make me feel ... strong.'
Jan carries walking a few steps and stops to check on me. But I'm stuck for thoughts, words or movement. Her face brightens suddenly. 'Ah, a chemist, I need something in there. Do you mind?'
I shake my head, and it somehow puts things back in some kind of order as she disappears through the shop's doors. Strong? What was that supposed to mean? How can I make others feel strong when I don't ever feel strong enough to cope with my own mess?
I'm still pondering when she comes back out. I stride beside her for the rest of the journey, still searching for something to say and awkwardly failing. But then I check her face, and Jan looks completely content, taking in her surroundings with wide eyes as we walk on. Ah, at last a single un-confusing emotion: relief. I shall enjoying whilst it lasts.
I let Jan in the Boarding House and lead her up the stairs to Tara's room. The door opens up right before we get there.
'Christian,' Grace shouts. 'Oh my goodness, where have you been? Everyone has been looking for you, even Rebecca. Supposedly she's asked Abigail and Ollie about you. What's that about?'
Here are the questions again, probing me, picking at my defences. I rattle my throat to clear the tightness within it, but without much success. 'Tara's mum just needs to pick some stuff up.'
'Oh I see,' Grace moved to the side to let us in, but returns her attention straight back to me. 'You've been to see her, haven't you, please tell me you've been.'
'Yeah, just now.'
Grace couples a dramatic sigh with an eye roll. 'That took you long enough!'
'I had stuff to do.'
'Oh really, like?'
I snarl. 'Since when do you care anyway? Wasn't what happened to Tara exactly what you wished for?' I hate the venom flooding my mouth, but that girl has been nothing but bad news for Tara. Who was she to play the caring friend now? The moment I hear the gasps, coming from both Grace and Jan's lips, I regret my lapse.
Grace looks lost for a second, eyes haggard, then she snatches her bag and storms out.
I turn to face Tara's mum, already beside her shelves. 'I'm sorry, I'm tired and -'
Jan just put her hand up towards me. 'Don't, there's no need. Let's just do what we came here to do.' She gets a folded piece of paper out of her bag and I don't know what to do with myself. Using the excuse of tiredness brings it all back crashing in me. All I want to do is curl up on Tara's bed and sleep. It looks like in a little pink and purple island of calm within the yellow and red chaos of Grace's somewhat gruesome decor. I settle for just perching at the side of it, but manage to topple Sir Joshua who tumbles to the ground. I rescue it. 'I'm surprised this hasn't already found its way to the hospital. Is there a hygiene rule against manky old teddy bears?'
Jan doesn't laugh at my joke but there's laughter in her smile. 'No there isn't, and he is top of the list,' she points at the first line.
I toss Sir Joshua up. It bounces on her elbow back towards me, making me crash into the pillows as I reach for it. I hand it to her this time to be carefully placed into one of Tara's dance bags.
'As you're busy here, maybe I'll just get a few things from my room too.'
'Do you plan on going back tonight then?'
'Erm,' my hand reaches out to the back of my head, as it always does when I feel unsure about something. Unsure and worried I overstepped the mark. All I want to do is to reclaim a place in Jan's good books. And I wonder again what Tara might have told her. How little she might have omitted. Honesty and openness, that's the kind of family bond they have. That's probably why she's always been so forthright. Maybe that's why I'm not. 'I thought you might want a guide back to the hospital?'
Jan nodded. 'I'm not sure where Neil is. He just had to get out, as you can imagine he finds hospitals so ... frustrating, I guess.'
'He's got that right. Frustrating and scary, not a good mix.'
'No, especially for him. I'll call him and find out where he's escaped too.' She reaches out for her phone.
Some cloth on the floor catches my attention. Beige with leaf patterns on it. Tara's pyjama top, the one that came with those frilly shorts. The one she wore during the tour. The one I lifted to massage cream onto her back... Before I can stop myself, I've grabbed it and stuffed it in my back pocket. And then suddenly I feel like a thief and a pervert. Guilt and disgust. Not nice. Maybe I could drop it back again. But wouldn't I look even more conspicuous if I were caught doing that? I'm about to try when the door slams open behind me. I turn in a flash, drawing my T-shirt over the pocket as fast as I can.
'I'm so sorry, Mrs Webster,' Grace mumbles. 'Christian's right, I wasn't the best kind of friends to Tara. I got her into more trouble than out, and I'm really sorry for all that stuff, but I never wanted this to happen to her, and I really really want her to get better, I truly do.'
'I trust that,' Jan says simply. 'She will be fine, Grace, she will be, I'm sure of it.'
Grace glances back at me. 'I'm going to Singapore, did you know?'
I nod. 'Tara mentioned it.'
'I'm hoping for the cliché, travel to the east and find myself, and maybe some peace.'
I stare at this messed up girl and sigh. 'Someone once told me that peace is to be found within yourself.'
Grace bursts out laughing, in stark contrast with the tears that still wet her lashes. 'Well, that someone must be very wise then.'
'In a lot of ways, I think my mum was, yes.'
That sobered her up, her put on smile straightening up into something more genuine. 'We're having a party tonight, for all of us leaving, of course you're coming, right?'
'Hmm, no, thanks, all I'll do tonight is sleep.'
'You'll have to find somewhere else to crash then, cause no one will let you sleep here tonight.'
My eyes drift slightly towards Tara's bed as if Grace had seen my earlier thoughts.
'The rumour has it that you're not going to accept a place into the Company. Are you?'
I sense Jan's stare at the back of my head. I shake my head nonetheless.
Grace whips her arm up in the air. For a second I think she's going to shout ''Viva la tour!'', but she's got four fingers up. 'Four of us! Four escaping the nonsense they drive into us for three years, that illusion that the Company is all we should ever want, that barrier to stop us from ever thinking about what we might want for ourselves. We should have been friends, Christian, we so should have.' She rushes to me and crushes my chest into an uncomfortable hug that I don't really want to be a part of. 'Good luck, Christian, very good luck to you. And as they say back in England, ''Keep Dancing!''
When I twist to check Jan's expressions her eyes are narrowed and calculating.
