Chapter 31
Once or twice whenever the party were gathered together a remark was made about the upcoming nuptials of the Colonel and Elizabeth, which was immediately laughed at by the two of them, but which caused Darcy the greatest uneasiness.
It seemed the only thing Darcy could do was to dog his cousins steps, and secretly meet Elizabeth in the woods where she had once told him she preferred to walk, and there try to persuade himself he had no feelings towards her. But much to his chagrin he asked her questions about how happy Mr. and Mrs. Collins were being married, explaining the many nuances of Rosings and implying that she would one day stay there. Elizabeth looked very puzzled over these questions and after each meeting Darcy would berate himself over and over again once alone.
The day after this encounter Darcy received a small parcel from his sister in London containing a few letters, one of which was from Miss Ashbourne. It had been days since Darcy's mind wondered to that woman, and he felt very shameful indeed as he tore it open. The letter was beautifully written, reminiscing the times they had spent together and asking when he was expected back in town. He replied directly that he did not know when he would be back in town and tried to make his letter sound as aloof as he could be.
The other letters were from his sister and one from Amy. His sisters was long with detail about her days and activities, how much better she was at the piano, how the Bingley's called on her nearly every other day and how much she adored Amy. Amy's letter was another matter entirely.
"Dear Cousin," it started.
"We are all doing very well, if you haven't already known by reading Georgianna's letter. We both hope you and Roger are doing the same. How is our dear, dear Lady Aunt and cousin Anne? We simply cannot wait until we see them both again.
"Now for more serious matters. Miss Ashbourne came by the house the other day and when we told her you were away she asked to have a letter sent to you. Georgianna agreed and gave her a few minutes to write one out and decided to place it in the same parcel as our own letters.
"However, before she left she asked if we happened to know if the Bingley's were still in town. I was not willing to admit to be privy to such information but Georgianna, bless her sweet heart, replied in the affirmative without thinking. A sly sort of smile passed across her face before she curtsied and left.
"Cousin, I must admit to you now before something dreadful happens that I do not believe Miss Ashbourne's intentions are honorable. I have tried many times to ask about the Ashbourne's but nothing is known. No one knows where they are staying or what their address is in the country. I have very small means to investigate any further than I already have but I implore you to use all your resources to do so before we regret the day we ever met them."
The letter was signed and dated, and that was all.
Darcy read the contents of the letter twice over before he made the decision that he must make haste to London to sort this mess out. He took a few moments to reexamine his feelings for Miss Ashbourne. Did he love her? No, he found he did not. He had been bewitched by her looks, he realized, and sought to replace Elizabeth with her. Did he love Elizabeth? Yes, he did. Could he marry her? Perhaps.
Marriage with Elizabeth, he knew, would bring with it the entire Bennet family. The Mother, Father and all the sisters, not to mention a more intimate acquaintance with Mr. Collins. What would his family say? What would his friends say? What would his own conscience say? Damn them all, he wanted Elizabeth for himself!
He wanted those eyes to look lovingly at him. He wanted her lips to press against his own and have her scent engulf him in their passion for each other. Damn the world, he would have Elizabeth Bennet for his wife!
Chapter 32
The party from the Parsonage were expected to dine that evening and Darcy was contriving a means to get Elizabeth alone to express his feelings towards her and explain the trip he would be making and that when he got back they could marry. But the Collins' arrived without Elizabeth.
"She has a headache." Mrs. Collins explained to everyone as they were taking off their hats and gloves.
"Still? Poor thing, it was brought on by our walking in the park." Roger said, helping the ladies with their things.
Without thinking, Darcy secretly left the foyer and exited Rosings through a side door and walked as quickly as he could to the parsonage. This was better than his own plan. To have Elizabeth and himself alone in one house would keep his Aunt from interrupting them. Darcy tried to hide the smile that played upon his face, but thoughts of Elizabeth rejoicing in his proposal kept playing out in his head. When he rang the bell he was let in and escorted to the same back room he had been alone with Elizabeth before. Darcy barely gave time for the maid to announce his arrival before he entered the room.
"How are you doing?" Darcy began saying. "I had heard you had a slight head ache."
"I am doing fine, thank you."
Had Darcy been more observant he would have noticed the cold civility Elizabeth showed towards him, but he had not. He sat, not knowing how to start. He wanted to say something poetic, something that could be immortalized in books, but he could think of nothing. Standing up, Darcy paced back and forth, reassuring himself that marriage to Elizabeth more than outweighed the ties to her family. All the while Elizabeth watched in confusion. Finally, before he decided against it, Darcy decided to just say it.
"No matter what I do, my feelings will not be repressed!" He declared. "I must tell you how much I ardently admire and love you."
There, he said it. He watched Elizabeth for some sign as how to continue next and saw that her cheeks began to turn a slight pink. This was evidence enough for him and he continued with his proposal.
"I am well aware that my family may need some time to accept you for our social standings are very different. But I do not care about propriety, not with the prospect of calling you my wife." Darcy went on in this manner, explaining his feelings and defending them at the same time. When he was finished he waited for Elizabeth's answer.
"I believe," She started, trying to keep at bay the emotions within her, "that in circumstances such as this I am expected to say how grateful I am for such a compliment. But I cannot." Darcy, confused at such words, hardly heard what she said next. "I never desired to be the object of your affection, nor do I care to be now. I am sorry if this pains you but I am most confident you will get over it."
Surprised, Darcy hardly knew how to continue. What had he done to deserve such reprove. He was lowering himself in proposing to her and she acts as if it were she being brought down. Calming himself of the anger that was brewing, Darcy said,
"And this is all you are going to say to me? If it were of greater importance I might ask why you cast my proposal aside with such little civility."
"And I, sir," Elizabeth, red cheeked, said hotly, "might ask why you chose to with the same sentence declare your love for me and insult me. Telling me you love me against your will and your better judgment and even your character? But that is not all that is behind my incivility, if I was uncivil. Why would I ever accept the hand of the man who ruined, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved sister?"
Darcy's cheeks turned from red anger to pale shame. Elizabeth continued:
"I have every excuse to think ill of you. You cannot deny it was you who tried to separate Mr. Bingley and my sister, making them both miserable in the process." Elizabeth paused, waiting for an answer. "Cannot you deny it?"
Straightening himself up, he said, "I have no wish to deny it. I triumph in the fact I separated the two. I have been more kinder to him than I have been to myself."
"But this instance is not all," Elizabeth said. "Your character was unfolded to me long before this, by one Mr. Wickham. What can you have to say to that?"
"You take an eager interest in that man's concerns." Darcy was beyond angry. It had come down to Wickham again. Where he failed to ruin his life with his sister, he had succeeded with the woman he loved. He poisoned her against him and it seemed there was little he could do.
"I, who know his misfortunes, can't help feeling an interest in them."
"His misfortunes!" Darcy wanted to laugh. "His misfortunes have been great indeed."
"And by your hand! It is owing to you that he is reduced to his current state of poverty. You have robbed him in more ways than one and yet you can treat his misfortunes with such contempt and ridicule."
"This," Darcy cried, pacing the floor once again, "this is your opinion of me? I must admit by these accounts my faults are great indeed. But," Here he stopped walking and stood but one foot from Elizabeth, her intoxicating smell surrounding him, "these offenses might have been overlooked had your pride not been hurt by my honest confessions of the scruples I had. I am not ashamed of my feelings, they were natural and just. I suppose you would have wanted me to hide my anxieties and flattered you more."
"From the very beginning of our acquaintance I knew you were the last man I could accept. The very first night I met you I could see you were full of pride, arrogance and the selfish disdain you had for the feelings of others. No amount of flattery in the world would have tempted me to accept your hand."
Looking astonished and hurt by this declaration Darcy felt it overdo for him to leave. "You have said enough," he said, "I will now take my leave of you. Good day."
Without waiting for a reply Darcy left the room and house and strode through the grounds back to Rosings, paying very little attention to his surroundings. Elizabeth's words echoed themselves in his mind and he could not rid himself of them.
Upon entering the house he heard the voices coming from the sitting room which induced him to retire early to his room. He wished to be alone. Quite alone. He shut himself in his room and sat on the bed with his head in his hands, wondering what had gone wrong. Elizabeth denied him. She did not want him. Did he still want her?
"I don't know." He let the words escape his mouth. Looking up he saw the letters he had received earlier on the writing desk. There were more important matters to deal with, but first he must clear his name. Sitting at the desk he took out a quill and well of ink and began a very long letter of his history with Wickham, committing to paper facts that had never been revealed to anyone. Also, in the letter, he wrote of his part in separating Bingley and Jane, explaining himself. He finished just as the sun was setting, sealed the envelope and determined to deliver it to Elizabeth the next day, before he left.
Chapter 33
"Good morning, coz." Roger said as Darcy entered the dining room.
Darcy, barely aware there was any one else in the room, sat and began to eat.
"Where had you been last night, Darcy?" Came Lady Catherine's voice from the other end of the table. "We greatly missed your company."
"I had a walk." Darcy said. "I am afraid, Aunt, that Fitzwilliam and I must leave today. There are some pressing matters in London I must see to right away."
"I am sure whatever they are can wait a few more weeks, you both have just got here." Lady Catherine was determined to keep your nephews here, seeing as Darcy had yet to propose to her own daughter.
"I am afraid it is too late. I had our bags packed and already sent word."
"Then I must call on the ladies at the Parsonage before we leave." Roger said, getting up.
"I will accompany you." Darcy immediately got up and followed Roger, ignoring Lady Catherine's protestations.
"What has got into you?" Roger asked, trying to keep up with Darcy's quick gait.
They soon made it to the Parsonage and were escorted to the sitting room where Mrs. Collins and Maria were both seated. Roger asked where Elizabeth was and was told she went out for a morning stroll. Darcy stayed with Roger a few minutes, hoping she would soon return. He thought about leaving the note with Mrs. Collins but was afraid she would misinterpret its contents. Not being able to keep still Darcy excused himself and left.
"Where could she have gone?" Darcy said, but before the words were fully out he knew exactly where she had gone. The grove she was so fond of. Darcy made his way there directly.
Sure enough, upon entering the lane, he saw a solitary figure of a woman walking towards him. Upon seeing him she stopped. Darcy quickened his pace in case she chose to evade him. As he had thought she turned and began walking away.
"Elizabeth!" He called, stopping her dead in her tracks. When he reached her he pulled out the envelope and handed it to her. "Would you do me the honor of reading this letter?" Before she could protest, he walked away.
How did he know she would read it? Curiosity. Even now he knew she would be arguing with herself whether to throw it away, unopened, or read it. But before she reached the end of it he wished to be away from Rosings. He needed this time to collect his thoughts and she needed it as well. Perhaps, some time in the future, she would not think of him with contempt. He would never know.
Roger was waiting for him at Rosings saying Elizabeth never showed and was sorry to not get a chance to say good bye. As the carriage exited the park and they were on the main road to London, Roger talked about the good memories he had made, perhaps the most pleasant visit he had had at Rosings in a very long time. But Darcy's thoughts were elsewhere.
No matter how hard he tried he could not get Elizabeth out of his mind. Her words were hard indeed, yet there was truth shining forth from them. How had he become the man he was now? How had he let his pride grow and turn into such arrogance? Did others see him this way? In his attempt to be impeccable with the world he had shunned more than half of it away.
Those were his thoughts the entire trip to London.