For disclaimers see Chapter One
THERE'S NONE SO BLIND…
Chapter Eleven
Captain Janeway took the first shift keeping B'Elanna company during the purification ritual.
"Tell me about your jup 'waDIch, B'El. I somehow got the impression that she is more than just a fellow Maquis."
"You are right; she is more than just a colleague. She's wIj jup [my very dear friend]. I asked for her permission earlier, so now I'm free to tell her story to you, K'Ryn."
B'Elanna's choice of address made it clear that the younger woman wanted to keep the Captain from doing anything rash when she had heard the story.
"Zito Yllas was our medic but before she joined the Maquis she was a Vedek apprentice on Bajor, the protégé of Kai Opaka herself. Vedek Winn, now Kai Winn had her dismissed, to put it mildly, for a minor infraction after Kai Opaka disappeared in the Gamma Quadrant. She could have stayed on Bajor, but she decided to work for one of the orphanages in the DMZ.
"On the way her transport was attacked by a Cardassian cruiser hunting for Maquis. When they started to hurt civilians Ron and I gave ourselves up. They began torturing us in front of the others, in front of children – Yllas stopped them. She looked into their hearts and made them believe that the rebels had been killed. They left but the deception took a lot out of her; she was almost catatonic for more than four days.
"After the incident the transporter captain was too afraid to keep her on board, and so we took her with us. She started to work as our medic, and her ability to look into a person's mind helped her to treat us more effectively. Her abilities developed steadily but there also was a side effect. She had no way to shield herself against our emotions.
"Our feelings hurt her, our fears, insecurities, pains, our hate and need for revenge. It hurts her as we would be hurt from a physical blow. Every time she treated one of us, she felt our pain and more. Starfleet would probably call her an empathy, but she is much more than that. We sometimes needed her special ability to influence others; one time she convinced the whole crew of a Cardassian battle cruiser that the ship they had on their sensors was nothing more but sensor shadows. But afterwards she was blind for almost three weeks.
"Yllas once told me that prayer had always helped her to keep the outside world at bay but with close to one hundred and fifty minds on a ship this small it's hard for her. That's why she chose the Gamma shift and why she does not want to work in Sickbay."
"In the Federation she would have been trained as a Councillor and specialists from Beta-Zed would have taught her how to protect herself against the onslaught of emotions and thoughts.
"You don't have to worry, B'El. I won't do anything to make it more difficult for her."
For the rest of the Captain's shift they didn't talk but concentrated on some light MoQ'bara exercises.
-x-x-x-
B'Elanna's next visitor was Harry Kim. He was still beaming with pride that he had been asked to participate and in the knowledge that he had been the only one to know at least half of the truth about her and the Captain.
Lieutenant Paris spent the time telling her about the great refinements he intended to make at the Sandrine program and she tried to talk him into creating something new instead, perhaps a joint project with Harry.
Chakotay was almost subdued when he entered the holodeck. He once again tried to apologise for what he had done to her and get her to take her retribution but she just brushed him off and told him that her current journey had nothing to do with him or with what she had allowed him to do to her. She told him that in a way his actions had made it all possible and that for that she even was thankful.
-x-x-x-
Ensign Ron was next and greeted her with as slight nod, "B'Elanna."
"Ron Rael. How did you learn to pronounce my name correctly?"
"Young Harry Kim insisted. He said that after you honoured us with the invitation we should at least be courteous enough to use your proper name. He's still a tad on the naïve side but I think he can be a good friend, not like Paris, this jerk."
The young Hybrid laughed. "Tom has a lot of rough edges but his heart is in the right place. He just has to grow up a bit and stop running to finally meet his real self."
"That's what Yllas said yesterday. But could it really be that easy?"
"Easy? No! He has not the faintest idea of what she was talking about. He does not know her as well as we do."
"You really think that he doesn't know? It's written all over his face when he thinks no one pays attention."
"It might more be a question of him not wanting to know, my friend. Just like I did not want to know that you were right about Seska from the beginning."
"So, that's why you included me."
Having expected the question the other woman answered calmly, "Yes and no. Yes, I feel bad for not at least having given you the benefit of the doubt with Seska. And no, it had nothing to do with her. We fought together and we bled together; that's all I need to know. To me it does not matter how you called yourself in your former life or what rank you once had in Starfleet. The only thing that matters is that you were always there for us when we needed you."
"How? I never told anyone." The shock in the other woman's voice was evident.
"I only spent a bit more than one and a half years at the Academy and I still can't deny my training."
"I see."
"It might be a good idea to no longer try and hide what and who you are."
"I'll think about it, B'Elanna, but I didn't exactly resign my commission. I just left; that's not something Captain Janeway could overlook."
-x-x-x-
Tuvok didn't even try to talk; he gave her a choice between playing 3D-chess and Kal-toh. She never had tried her luck at the Vulcan game and after having been explained the rules it only took her twenty minutes to lose the first four games. The fifth game lasted just over ten minutes, and at the end of Tuvok's double shift she held the game for almost thirty-five minutes – considerable progress but still rather unremarkable if one took into account that a match between Vulcan masters could last for days.
B'Elanna was pleasantly surprised when Tuvok declared her an acceptable student before ceding his place to Zito Yllas.
The engineer loved spending time with the former Vedek apprentice, usually. This time, however, she was slightly apprehensive because she didn't want to talk about what the Bajoran had picked up about the Captain's and her feelings.
Yllas surprised her by not asking any questions. She simply pulled her in her arms and held her. B'Elanna was reluctant at first but quickly accepted that at the moment she now needed this kind of contact.
Only when her time was almost up did she speak, "Kathryn Janeway loves you as much as you love her, B'Elanna Torres. Enjoy the feeling, it will nurture you both. Love is the strongest thing in the universe; so, it's unimportant if you decide to live it or not. True love is selfless, Lana."
B'Elanna hoped that her friend was right but the better part of her knew that it would not be that easy – on the other hand Yllas had never said anything about it being easy.
-x-x-x-
Lieutenant Carey passed the time by talking about their shared passion, Voyager's engines and warp drive. They even came up with some ideas on how to increase the stability of the deflector array and how to improve the efficiency of their dilithium refinery.
By the end of his shift almost half of her time was up and though she was a bit tired all in all she felt surprisingly good, especially after the shower she had been allowed to take.
Neelix was her next visitor and after about an hour he suddenly fell silent and profusely apologised for talking about food while she was not allowed to eat.
"It's alright, Neelix. I can afford to go a few days without food though I admit that what you described sounds really good. Your progress is astonishing."
"It's all your doing, my friend," he answered with a slight blush.
"You were a good student, Neelix – and besides, I never would have thought that cooking and taste testing could be so much fun. And now tell me about the baby shower. Will all the presents for Samantha and the little one be ready in time?"
"Oh yes, all the small things have already been wrapped, and Ensign Johnson promised that the crib will be finished just in time. He said it only needs another layer of varnish."
Ensign Conrad Johnson was a mineralogist by trade and had a real gift when working with wood. When he had come up with the idea of building a real crib for Voyager's only child the crew had readily pooled their resources for the material and had taken over his duty shifts to give him enough time to do the work. The biggest problem had been to keep it a secret because he worked in the same department as the mother-to-be.
"And Samantha still does not know?"
"We had a close call yesterday…" The Talaxian was still talking when Susan Nicoletti came for her shift on the holodeck.
-x-x-x-
The young Ensign at first had been sceptical of including the Maquis in the normal ship's operations but they did their jobs with the same dedicated efficiency a Starfleet officer would. Working with B'Elanna in Engineering she had quickly learned to admire the other woman's skills and had been among the first to fully accept her as the new Chief.
They had recently discovered a shared passion for Parises Square and played regularly. So, that's what they were talking about at first but the young Ensign seemed preoccupied.
"What's wrong, Susan?"
"Nothing, B-Lana. Sorry. I just can't get this right."
"Just call me Lana. The glottal stop is difficult for Human tongues."
"Thank you. – Lana, why are you doing this? The longer I think about it the less I understand it."
"I have a lot to make up for, Susan, and this is the best way." Knowing that this sentence didn't really explain anything she added, "Ever since I was a child I didn't want to be a Klingon. I didn't want to be different and I did a lot of stupid things to make myself and others believe that I'm fully Human. The kids in school and most of the teachers didn't let me forget. Some made fun of me, some were afraid, some were envious.
"Over the years I came to associate everything that went wrong in my life with my Klingon half. I didn't want to see that the Human part more often than not was just as responsible. Captain Janeway has helped me to understand that. She helped me to see that I can have both, the best of my Klingon and my Human heritage but I can't just claim my Klingon heritage without doing it right, the Klingon way."
"So, basically you're paying a debt."
"One could call it that, Susan."
"Thanks for explaining it to me and being so open and honest. I know you're normally a very private person."
"It's easier to be open when you no longer have to hide part of yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably always be a mean tempered bitch when things go wrong but I no longer have to show it at every turn."
That got a heartfelt laugh from the other woman and they turned the conversation to less serious topics.
-x-x-x-
B'Elanna began to feel the lack of sleep but Kes entertained her with the newest gossip that unsurprisingly was centred around the mysterious happenings in holodeck II where all the command staff and various others seemed to be drawn like moths to the flame.
The young Ocampa's friendly and open demeanour made it easy for her to hear all kind of things but unlike most gossip mongers with whom B'Elanna ever had to deal, what Kes chose to tell never belittled or ridiculed the persons mentioned.
-x-x-x-
B'Elanna's face lit up when the last of her Maquis' friends entered the sweat caves. He was a young man of Indian descent and counted among the crewmembers who could be easily overlooked. He was working Gamma shift but after being named Chief Engineer B'Elanna had made sure that he also would head the shift by convincing Chakotay to list him as an Ensign. His name was Ravi Khadifar and despite his exotic looks and dark skin he had no real fondness for heat, preferring the moderate climate of the Nordic regions he had grown up in.
"Bella, darling, I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making here. I don't even take warm showers, and now here I am."
"Ravi-baby, you really are one of a kind. And you can be sure that I'm full of awe at the almost superhuman effort you're making on my behalf."
They continued to banter for some time with B'Elanna telling him about the things she just had heard from Kes. He was easy going and good to laugh with but only with the few people with whom he felt comfortable, the few people he trusted.
In the Maquis one quickly learned not to ask about a person's past; it tended to only open old wounds. So, B'Elanna was more than surprised when her friend began to tell her about his past beyond his childhood on Earth. He told her of his father's death when he was fourteen, his mother remarrying soon after and their move to one of the rural colonies near the Cardassian border.
He told her how his stepfather had turned out to be extremely homophobic and had made him suffer for not being 'manly' enough. Then his mother died from a fever because the only doctor of the colony had been too far away at the time, and verbal abuse quickly turned into physical.
"My mother would not have fallen in love with him if he had not been a good man at heart. To me he was anything but. I was seventeen when she died and nineteen when I fought back for the first time. I expected that he would throw me out but he seemed impressed that I finally had started to stand up for myself. Our fights became a fixture in my life.
"I knew it would be better if I just left and started over somewhere else but in a way he was all I had left and the only reminder of my mother. One day he came home drunk and what started like one of our usual arguments quickly went south. He pinned me face down over the kitchen table and tried to rape me. I got free just in time and knocked him unconscious. I finally left and joined the Maquis."
"Thank you, Ravi, thank you for honouring me with the knowledge about your past."
"I know it's nothing special but since you found the courage to confront your demons I though you deserved to hear the truth about mine," he answered with a shy smile.
"Ravi, please look at me." His dark brown orbs reluctantly found her lighter ones. "You are wrong; it's special, you are special. During everything your stepfather did you never tried to hide who you really are; you never tried to become someone else. That's incredibly brave, Ravi. I'm proud to count you among my friends."
They embraced and returned to less serious subjects such as the dating pool on Voyager.
-x-x-x-
Tuvok had volunteered for the graveyard shift and they spent the time with her once again losing at Kal'toh.
B'Elanna expected Ron Rael or Yllas next but the woman who came around the corner was a real surprise.
"Samantha, you shouldn't be here. It's not good for the baby."
"The Doctor said it would be alright if I don't stay longer than two hours. When Captain Janeway told me about the baby shower, she also told me about this ceremony of yours. She said that you would have invited me too if not for the pregnancy. Is it true?"
"Yes, it's true. It's ironic, in a way, because without your pregnancy you probably would not have ended up in the mess hall in the middle of the night with food cravings and found out about our little taste testing lessons – and then we would not have had the chance to get to know each other better. What will happen at the ceremony could be hard to stomach, Samantha. I didn't want to risk anything."
"I can understand that, though I really wish you all were a bit less protective. I'm pregnant, not ill. And I'm not the average Federation citizen, I'm a Starfleet brat. My parents were anthropologists and took me on a lot of surveys. I'm not easily shocked."
"In this case, Ensign Samantha Wildman, would you do me the honour of participating in the initiation ceremony?"
"Yes, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, I will."
They both bowed formally and then started to giggle like school girls.
After exactly two hours B'Elanna shooed her out and made her promise to get some rest before the evening's festivities.
Her next visitor was also a surprise. The Doctor came into view with the medical tricorder held in front of him like a shield. At first she thought that he only wanted to make sure that she would be alright; but every one of his scans seemed to take longer than the one before, It took a bit of prodding to find out that Tom Paris had sent him in on a dare, proclaiming that B'Elanna would throw him out after less than twenty minutes.
B'Elanna never would have considered herself someone to respect the feelings of a hologram, but she felt with the CMO – and it was more than just pity. So, she followed her instincts and asked him to participate in the ritual. In the end asking him had been easy; convincing him that she meant what she had said was much harder.
-x-x-x-
Harry chatted about Bridge operations and an ultimately boring nebula they had scanned but most of what he said was lost on her because she was beginning to get nervous.
Ensign Ron insisted on swapping Maquis' war stories and the young woman began to suspect that they had been instructed to keep her mind off the things to come.
For the last shift Kathryn and Yllas entered the holodeck together, both carrying heavy bags. Her DevwI' SeQ led her through her MoQ'bara routine while Yllas busied herself in another part of the caves.
When she stepped out of the shower the holodeck scenery had changed. They still were at the caves of the monastery but the temperature was considerably lower. She shivered slightly in her sports bra and form fitting shorts but quickly recovered when Yllas helped her into her battle dress. The young Bajoran gave her her bat'leth and told her to get warmed up and used to the armour. B'Elanna asked about the Captain and was told that she was preparing in another room.
-x-x-x-
Finally the others entered the small ante-room where she had been waiting. Most commented on her attire and she was honest enough with herself to admit that without their presence she would have had a full blown panic attack by now.
The big double doors at the other side of the room finally were opened and Yllas led them inside. They were standing at one end of a well-lit, very big cavern, only half as big as the Great Hall of Honour at Qo'nos, but somehow more feral and intimidating.
The doors behind them closed and B'Elanna took her place in a red circle painted on the floor. Yllas stood half a pace behind her at her left side. The others were closer to the doors and found themselves quickly cut off from the two women by an invisible force field.
Captain Janeway came in from a side entrance. She was unarmed and instead of armour she wore an off-white tunic over black slacks, just as she would if they really were at the monastery and she in search of spiritual guidance, with the notable difference that she also wore a Ha'quj, a chain mail like sash with a family crest attached.
A woman in the robes of a priest but with an intricately carved ceremonial chest armour appeared at the other end of the room on a dais. To her right was a steaming brazier on a tripod and to her left stood a rather intimidating Klingon warrior.
Kathryn took a few steps forward and lowered herself on her right knee.
"Hear me, Rel'Issa of the House of Kahless!"
"Rise and state your identity and request."
Kathryn obeyed and her voice seemed to gain volume, "I am Kathryn Janeway, adoptive daughter of Rel'Issa of the House of Kahless, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager. I request that you perform the muvtay HochDIch [ultimateRite of Ascension] for my student."
"Is your ghojwI' worthy?"
"Yes, she is."
"Is your word to be trusted, Kathryn Janeway?"
"I am a warrior and I wear the mark of Kahless but I intend to prove my words with my blood."
The woman on the dais nodded with a smile but B'Elanna exclaimed, "No, K'Ryn! You can't!"
She would have dashed forward if not for Yllas holding her back. The young Bajoran had been told to expect such a reaction.
"Take me, I'll do it in joHwI' place."
"Your student seems unduly worried about you. You may talk to her before we proceed."
Kathryn nodded and walked over to B'Elanna.
"Please don't, K'Ryn, I don't want to see you hurt."
"B'El, it has to be done. It's an integral part of the ceremony. I know I told you that I would try and find a way around it but there is none. I want this to be as close to a ritual on Qo'nos as possible, B'El, for my sake as well as yours. Please try to understand."
With the last sentence Kathryn's right hand touched B'Elanna's left cheek and for a moment the world outside the blue-grey eyes looking into brown disappeared. Finally, the younger woman nodded slowly.
"May I have the honour of serving as your anchor, DevwI' SeQ?"
Kathryn turned around and looked questioningly at the Priestess, "Yes, she may."
They walked in the middle of the room. B'Elanna turned her back to the dais. She placed her left foot about one and a half feet in front of the other to gain a solid stand and handed her bat'leth to Yllas.
Kathryn slipped out of the sash and the tunic and now presented her bare back to her crew members. The program then generated a Klingon warrior with a single tail whip dangling from his right hand.
The Captain stood with feet shoulder-wide apart and put her hands on B'Elannaa's shoulders. The Priestess ordered "moq![Begin!]" and the first lash landed on Kathryn's back.
-x-x-x-
Until then their shipmates had looked on in astonished silence but now there was an almost collective outcry. Tom and Lieutenant Carey tested the strength of the force field. Harry ordered the computer to end the program but nothing happened. When he tried to access it manually Tuvok stopped him.
"Trust Captain Janeway. She knows what she's doing. Without this part the ceremony would not be regarded as valid on the Klingon home world. It is the Klingon way. We accepted that when we decided to participate."
"But Tuvok, that's the Captain... It's…"
"It's a great gift, Ensign Kim, an honour." Ron Rael said.
"I don't understand."
"I know; just take my word for it for now. I'll explain later."
Surprisingly the security officer's words seemed not only to calm Harry but also the rest of the crew.
They refocused their attention on the Captain just in time to see the Klingon swap sides. Diagonal marks were crossing the woman's back, a few of them oozing blood but she had yet to utter a single sound. The first set of marks was systematically overlaid by a second set causing more bleeding but still there was no sound.
Kes had sought the comfort of Neelix' arms and was silently counting the strokes, 'twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four'.
It finally stopped and the Klingon with the whip disappeared. A couple of minutes went by without any of the women moving, then the Captain took a deep breath and B'Elanna helped her to stand on her own.
B'Elanna stepped to the side and the Priestess said, "You are worthy, Kathryn Janeway, Rel'Issa pugbe' [daughter of Rel'Issa], take your rightful place at my side."
Kathryn slipped back into the tunic as if nothing had happened and repositioned the sash. Yllas and B'Elanna returned to the red circle.
"State your identity and request, student of Kathryn."
-x-x-x-
B'Elanna went down on her right knee with the bat'leth securely held in her left hand and the sharp edges turned down.
"I am B'Elanna Torres, daughter of Miral of the House of Shig'Rai. I successfully completed the lajQo' quvHa'ghachtay, and request to be re-initiated in the world of warriors."
"Rise! You carry the name of a proud and prestigious House. Your teacher proved her worthiness many years ago and again just now, but you have spent most of your life rejecting our proud heritage. Your request could be nothing more than the whims of a child."
Kathryn had not warned her that the Priestess would try to provoke her, and so she growled at the accusation but quickly brought her temper back under control and answered, "When I was a child I feared the call of my Klingon blood. When I grew up I tried to silence it but my DevwI' SeQ taught me to embrace its call."
"Courageous words, young one, but nothing but words. I need more than that. To prove that you really are worthy you now will fight my champion. This is not a Hay' chu', a duel to the death. This is a quv tob', a duel of skills. It will end as soon as you draw his first blood."
The mountain of a warrior at the Priestess' left jumped from the dais in a surprisingly smooth movement and took position in front of her, "moq!"
He didn't waste any time attacking but she used her slighter build to slip out of his reach. He relied a lot on his strength and height advantage but with B'Elanna's focus on evasive manoeuvres he could not put it to good use.
In the past she would have tried to get the opening she needed as quickly as possible, probably by forcing the issue and risking unnecessary injury to herself. Her DevwI' SeQ had taught her patience. She had taught her, sometimes painfully, to get to know her opponent first.
Sometimes killing as fast as possible was a necessity but fighting with a bat'leth was as much of an art form as it was deadly. And as the Priestess had said, today was not about killing an opponent; it was about showing skill and cunning. So, they each tested the other's defences.
The initially bored expression of the holographic warrior's face had disappeared; and after a few more minutes of gauging their respective opponent they both were smiling.
Finally he said, "That's not bad for such a half-breed but we're not here to play. qablIj HI'ang! [I challenge you!]"
B'Elanna's answer was equally as formal as his challenge, "qabwIj vISo'be! [I accept your challenge!]"
The fight now began in earnest; B'Elanna started to block his blows and followed up with immediate counter attacks. For a while it looked as if they were evenly matched, despite the physical inequality. Then the young woman left a small but visible opening but instead of exploiting it, he changed angles and cut through the chain mail protecting her shoulders and arms. The resulting gash was bleeding freely but didn't seem to impede B'Elanna's freedom of movement or the force of her blows.
The Klingon was driven back a few paces by her quick jab-like attacks. He soon found a way to keep her at bay but her movements seemed too fast for him to launch an effective offensive of his own.
She changed tactics and took his feet our from under him. He landed on his back but instead of pressing her advantage she took a step back and let him get back on his feet. The fight resumed.
They traded blows until he left an opening as wide as a barn door. She feigned an attack on the other side; he shifted his balance. She feinted again and before he had a chance to compensate completely she used his initial opening to tear through his armour at the same point her own injury was situated. B'Elanna drew blood.
He roared in surprise and anger but the Priestess' comment brought him up short, "ylmev, yap![Stop! It's enough!]" He turned around and looked at her. "Your duty is done, my champion."
B'Elanna stood at attention. "You have done well Miral pugbe'. You may now prepare yourself to walk the corridor of pain."
-x-x-x-x-x-
To be continued in Chapter Twelve