Chapter Eleven

"Moony, what'd you do to him?" James asked Remus at breakfast the next morning. They were looking down the table at Sirius, who was eating alone, looking glum and surly.

"I broke up with him," Remus said tonelessly.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out when you were in separate beds, but…why? What happened?"

"Nothing…happened…"

"What's the matter then? I thought you loved him."

"I do love him. He just doesn't love me."

"Sure he does. Look at him over there. He's suffering. He loves you."

"But he doesn't love me as much as he loves…someone else. The problem is that I'm not the one he wants most. I thought I was for a long time and then I found out I wasn't and it hurts. I want…he's my number one. But I'm not his, so he doesn't really want me."

James sighed. "I'm gonna go talk to him," he said.

Tensions remained high between Sirius and Remus. They weren't speaking to each other, but each would occasionally look up at the other and glare at him for a moment. Sometimes they did this at the same time, the result being a glaring contest that would go on until someone else realized that neither of them were aware of anything else happening and interrupted them. After this, Sirius usually broke the next thing he touched and Remus hid his face in a book so no one would notice he was on the verge of tears.

When the full moon came, no one believed that Sirius would join James and Peter in going to see Remus. He did, however. He got under the invisibility cloak with the other two and went down to the Shrieking Shack as he always did. They transformed, and when night fell, so did Remus. He howled and started to run around at things. James moved in front of him to calm him down. Remus looked like he wanted to attack James, but James showed him his antlers and prodded him a bit and he backed off. He turned to Sirius instead, who was standing on the other side, waiting. Peter, as usual, was hiding in a corner. Remus ran at Sirius and pounced, biting his back and scratching his side. Sirius was ready. He clawed at Remus, pushed him away, and then ran and pounced at him, scratching and biting him back. James pounded the ground with his hooves as a signal to stop, but Sirius paid no attention. He then ran in between them, trying to distract Remus.

While James had Remus's full attention, Sirius ran up from behind him and bit him hard in the back of the neck. Remus howled in pain. James tried to keep Sirius away from Remus, but he wouldn't sop. He stood on one side of the room, and when Remus came at him, he moved at the last minute so he ran into the wall, and then Sirius attacked him from behind. It was a long time before Remus finally collapsed from exhaustion, and even then Sirius still wanted to attack him. He pounced on the limp, panting wolf once more before James managed to come between them again and pull Sirius away.

Tired, Sirius was glad for the rest, but he glared at Remus for the rest of the night anyway.

Even after they became human again, they looked worse for the wear.

"Are you all right?" James asked Remus.

"I think so," he answered shakily.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Bits and pieces of it." He glared at Sirius. "You attacked me."

"You attacked me first!"

"I couldn't help it!"

"You could too have helped it!"

"No I couldn't! That's why you're here! You're supposed to calm me and restrain me! Not provoke me!"

"You provoked me!"

"How?"

"You know how!"

"You two!" James said. "Cut it out!" He glared from Sirius to Remus. "We're supposed to be mates. All of us. We made an agreement. I know you two are mad at each other, but get over it."

Remus looked at the ground and Sirius looked surly.

"Come on," James said. "Let's go back to the castle."

They filed silently back through the secret passage to Hogwarts. Since it was the weekend, they didn't have classes, and Sirius sulked in the dormitory for most of the day. He transformed into a dog because he could lie more comfortably that way, and tried and failed to sleep.

James came up to see him around lunchtime. "Do you want to go eat?" he offered.

"I'm not hungry."

"Maybe we should go for a walk, then."

"I don't know."

"Come on, Padfoot. I want to talk to you. You're my best mate, and I see you're having a hard time. I'm not gonna leave you alone."

Sirius felt a surge of affection for James and obediently got up and followed him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know."

"I'm sorry I have you a hard time this morning. I know you're upset, I just don't think that hurting him is going to solve anything. You guys are my two best mates, and it's hard when you're fighting. I don't want to pick sides. To be honest, I liked it better when you were snogging all over the place."

"So did I," Sirius said. "And I know Moony did too, so I don't know what his problem is. Actually, I do. He's jealous that you're my best mate, not him. Well that's not gonna change, so he needs to get over it."

"He's not jealous, Sir. He's sad. He's upset because he's so crazy about you and he's just found out you don't feel the same way about him."

"But I do though," Sirius said.

"You don't. You don't feel as strongly as he does. You think you're having a tough time of it, his is eight times worse. You don't love him that intensely. You can get over him."

"I don't want to get over him. I do love him. I want to be with him."

"Then do us all a huge favor and get over me then," James said.

Sirius felt his face get hot. He didn't know that James knew.

"It doesn't bother me," James said. "You're still my best mate. But you're just hurting yourself because it's never gonna happen, and you're hurting Remus because he wants you to love him fully and completely, and that's never going to happen if the back of your mind is always thinking of me." He looked at Sirius carefully. "Do you understand?"

Sirius nodded. "I understand. I just don't know…what to do."

"I don't either, mate," James said. "You've got to work that out for yourself. I'll try to help in any way that I can, but there's only so much I can do. Just know that you're always my best mate, no matter what."

"Okay," Sirius said. He sighed. "Thank you."

It was reassuring to know that James didn't care that Sirius fancied him, but he was still lost about how to get Remus back. He didn't fight with him any more, but he still had angry, upset, and overall strong feelings inside him with no outlet.

Much as he loved him, fighting Remus as animals had felt good, had been like a relief, an outlet for his feelings. He couldn't sleep with him anymore, and yelling at people just made everything worse. He wanted another fight. He wanted to do something reckless. He wanted someone to get hurt.

A couple weeks of feelings these emotions went by, and one afternoon the answer came to him: Snape. Snape was a foul bastard. He was always trying to curse Sirius and James whenever he saw them. Revenge on Snape was a good idea.

The only question was how to do it. What would cause him pain? What would make him feel terrible, awful, and hate his life? And then he remembered something that Remus had once said: "It's the worst thing in the world, being a werewolf…" Sirius's face cracked into a grin. It was perfect. Snape was always trying to nose around anyway, asking where Remus went when he missed classes due to his transformations. He would be dying to know the truth, and he wasn't an Animagus…it was perfect.

Sirius held this idea in his mind, and it sustained him until the full moon came. On the day of, he approached Snape after Potions.

"Hey, Snivelly," he said casually.

"What do you want?" Snape spat.

"To give you a treat, listen up. You know how Lupin always disappears once a month? Well I know where he goes, and since he's not my mate anymore, I'll tell you. To get to him, you go through a secret passage out of the school. There's a hole in the ground by the Whomping Willow. If you prod the knot in the trunk, it stops moving and you can get in. Just go through the secret passage and you'll see him. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find."

Snape eyed Sirius suspiciously. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Oh, it's not for you, Snape, don't get the wrong idea. It's to humiliate Lupin. No one knows about it except me, James, and Peter, and his worst fear is someone finding out. You'll tell the whole school, of course."

A greedy smile crossed Snape's face, and Sirius felt satisfied.

"Do it tonight, just after it gets dark," Sirius said. "That's when it will be most…dramatic." Sirius nodded at Snape and walked away.

"I told you, I promise!" Sirius said. "Just let me come, I swear I won't attack him again. I swear, I promise."

"I don't know, though," James said. "It's easier said than done. If you're mad at him…"

"I haven't touched him all month. I've been good. I'll stay good. Just let me come."

"All right. Wait, why are you so eager?" James gave Sirius a suspicious look very similar to the one Snape had given him earlier.

"I'm not," Sirius said quickly. "God, why does everyone always think I'm up to something?"

"All right, all right," James said. "Let's go then."

Sirius could barely contain his excitement as they headed out of the castle and down toward the tree. Snape was already down there. As they went out the doors, Sirius saw him freeze the tree and disappear into the hole beneath it.

Unfortunately, James saw him too.

"What's Snape doing down there?" James asked. "How did he know to prod the knot and freeze the tree?"

"Search me," Sirius said, shrugging.

"But Remus is down there!" James said, alarmed. "He'd have already transformed by now! Snape could be killed, and he'll certainly be bitten!" James ran out from under the invisibility cloak and down to the Whomping Willow.

Sirius and Peter looked at each other, and then Sirius sighed and they followed James. The tree froze again and James disappeared. By the time Sirius and Peter caught up, James was pulling a squirming, hysterical Snape through the passage.

"He's a werewolf!" Snape was shouting. "Lupin's a werewolf! He could have killed me, or bitten me! I can't believe they let a werewolf come to this school! How dare they! He could've…I could've! How could you do that?" he screamed at Sirius. "How could you—"

"Silencio," Sirius said, waving his wand, and Snape's ravings became mute. "He didn't get bitten, then?" Sirius asked.

"No. I caught up to him just in time to pull him out before Remus saw us, but it didn't stop Snape from seeing him." He glared at Sirius. "How could you be so stupid, Padfoot, what if Remus gets expelled now!"

"Rem didn't do anything!" Sirius said indignantly. "He can't help what he is."

"But they might think it's too dangerous for him to come to school now!"

"Nothing happened," Sirius said.

"And you're actually disappointed about it!"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"We've got to take him to Dumbledore," James said. "We've got to tell him what happened. Dumbledore will understand that Remus didn't do anything. That it was all you," he added, glaring bitterly at Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes again, but followed James, Snape, and Peter up to Dumbledore's office and told him what happened. They left out the part that they were Animagi, because it didn't seem important to the incident, and all they needed was to get in more trouble.

All of Sirius's privileges were taken away. He had to spend all his free periods and evenings in the common room, and had detentions with McGonagall on the weekends.

"I don't even care," he said to Remus, James, and Peter. "There's nothing for me to do with my free time anymore anyway."

Remus was horrified that Sirius would use him like that, and they spoke to each other less than ever.

James didn't judge Sirius for what he did. On the contrary, he spent more time with him, making sure he could talk and wouldn't become too depressed.

"Padfoot, you know I hate him, too, and I'm all for cursing him when we're not in class. You just took it too far. I know things are hard for you and it's easy to take it out on a common enemy, but seriously. Rem could have killed him. Even if he hadn't, you still would have been expelled. What would you have done then?"

"I don't know," he said. "I miss Remus."

"I know you do."

"Life sucks."

"The alternative is death."

"I miss Remus."

All in all, Sirius was glad when the summer came. He didn't need the stress of Remus, of classes, and detentions, and Snape, and being locked up.

He spent the summer at James's house, where they played Quidditch and dueled each other for fun. As his stress went away, he regained some of his confidence, and he spent a lot more time laughing and joking. He wrote letters to Remus and sent all of them, some against his better judgment, and teased James when he wrote to Lily.

The summer calmed Sirius down, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted to return to school or not. He loved learning magic, and the fun things about Hogwarts like Hogsmeade and Quidditch and the secret passages. He really wanted to see Remus, too. He didn't expect him to want him back just because they had two months apart, but he really wanted just to see him again, to talk to him.

When school started again, he didn't see him on the train, but sat with James and Lily. She was willing to flirt with James more now than ever, but Sirius was surprised to find that he wasn't jealous.

James is my best friend, he thought to himself. I love him, but…we're best friends. He told me it would always be that way no matter what. Being best friends with him is fine. I don't need anything else from him. Best friends is enough. I'm lucky to have that. And he's a good best friend, too. Even when I was snogging Remus all over the place, he was okay. Even when he found out I was in love with him, he was okay. He's never judged me or treated me any different for any reason. He's always there. He's, Sirius realized suddenly. He's not like Remus. He's never gonna leave me. No matter what, he'll always be there. That's probably one of the reasons I love him so much. But he's my best mate. That's all I need from him. It's better that way. If I'm gonna have a boyfriend, I want it to be Remus. Sirius felt a lurch inside him when he thought of Remus. I love Remus. I want Remus. I miss Remus. I love Remus.

Sirius thought of Remus for the remainder of the train ride, and by the time he got to Hogwarts, he'd made up his mind what he was going to do.