Chapter Ten

Aang had a theory. He had supposed that two half functioning individuals working together could serve as a whole, functioning person. As a team then, he and Toph could accomplish what had seemed insurmountable while on their own. The reality of their living arrangements was a bit more chaotic than that.

Then again, it was impossible not to be chaotic with a 10 and a half year old, a five year old, a six month old and a newborn all under one roof, all of whom were being primarily cared for by two people who could barely hold it together emotionally. There was a lot of yelling, plenty of shed tears, bouts of frustration and slammed doors. In hindsight, Aang could admit that it hadn't been one of his brighter ideas and yet, in spite of all the craziness, he couldn't regret making the suggestion at all. Somehow, life felt like it was improving, even if it was only slightly.

His chances to venture into the spirit world had been few and far between. The brief snatches of time Aang had managed to steal afforded him with only an hour or so to do any exploring on the other side. It was hardly in-depth either. And, when he was there in the spirit world, his presence remained shaky and fragile. All too often, he would find himself wrenched out of his trance due to some random occurrence on the other side. He would get just close enough to feel Katara's presence before everything around him would evaporate into nothingness and he'd be, once again, in his dojo.

Frustrated with his lack of progress and the odd difficulty he had maintaining his grip in the spirit world, Aang found himself consulting one of his past lives for guidance…Avatar Roku. It had been a long time since he had sought his former mentor's advice, years in fact. Shortly after Aang had turned fourteen, he'd experienced a falling out with the past avatar due to a disagreement over Zuko and the Harmony Restoration Movement.

At the time, Aang had felt the need to forge his own path and make his own identity as the avatar, without anyone else's influence. He'd needed the freedom to make mistakes and know that they were his alone. Shortly before his nineteenth birthday, Aang had reconsidered his decision and reopened the gates of communication between himself and Roku.

His mentor was as wise and patient as he had been in the beginning. Sadly though, their conversations never resumed the frequency they once had. Aang spoke with Roku perhaps once or twice a year. Yet, recent events called for more frequent contact. Aang's increasing difficulty with navigating the spirit world and staying there prompted him to seek Roku's advice sooner than he might have otherwise.

"I don't understand," Aang had lamented to Roku, "I can make it to the spirit world, but I can never stay there. What am I doing wrong? Why is this happening?"

"Your heart is not complete, Aang," Roku told him, "You're trying to straddle two worlds and that is an impossible thing to do."

"But the Avatar is the bridge between the spirit world and the physical world, so why is that impossible?"

"You link the worlds, Aang, but you cannot reside in both simultaneously. You are attempting to defy the natural order of things."

"What choice do I have? Katara is in the spirit world. And my children…my life is here in the physical world. I have to be with her and I have to be with them. Straddling two worlds is all I know right now."

"Unfortunately, you cannot belong to both at the same time. You must choose. Where does your heart truly lie, Aang? Until you decide, you will never be firmly settled in either world."

The conversation continued to haunt Aang even days after it was over. Roku hadn't told him anything he didn't already know in his heart. The situation was impossible. Even if he were to find Katara in the spirit world, they couldn't ever have a life together. She was dead and he was not. Besides that, her time in the spirit world would only be a temporary thing. In the end, they would only be separated all over again. Aang knew all of this and yet he still couldn't give up on the idea of finding her…and the wild hope that he could somehow find a way to undo her death and bring her back.

Unfortunately at the present time, Aang had no idea how to maintain the life he had now and also be with his wife at the same time. The two desires were diametrically opposed. He was making himself crazy trying to figure it out. Considering his current life situation, Aang didn't have a great deal of time to sit around troubleshooting. The winter solstice would be upon them soon anyway. If he couldn't enter the spirit world and stay there through meditation then he would wait for the veil to lower on the solstice and cross over then. He was determined to find Katara one way or another. In the meantime, Aang tried to focus on helping Toph.

She was still insecure and uncertain of her skills as a mother. As a result, Aang had elicited Bao's help in caring for Lin. They both encouraged Toph to do little things, as much as she was able to do, but they didn't press her to singlehandedly take on all of Lin's needs at once. Aang recognized that would require a gradual transition.

In keeping with that thought, Aang tried to afford Toph with as much quiet and privacy as he could. He gave Toph his guest bedroom and made room for Lin in Tenzin's nursery so Toph wouldn't be overwhelmed by the baby's presence in her room. But his feelings about sleeping in his own room had not changed. Because he was still quite unwilling to do it, Aang had begun sharing Bumi's room with him.

At first, Aang anticipated that Bumi might be a little resentful about having to share his space and particularly his bed, but the little boy had surprised him by reacting with uncontained enthusiasm. As far as Bumi was concerned, Aang in his room was the greatest thing on earth. Those sentiments were shared by his older sister, who was unexpectedly jealous over the fact her father had chosen not to room with her instead. Explanations about propriety and boy/girl dynamics had not satisfied Kya at all. Not surprisingly then, Aang would wake up most mornings wedged between her and Bumi. Waking up on those occasions, Aang felt uncomfortable and cramped and probably the happiest he'd been since Katara died.

He didn't miss her any less, but he was healing. In slow, inching increments, he was starting to do better. He still had his dark days…still grew tired and frustrated and heartsick, but he didn't feel quite as paralyzed as he had in the beginning. He felt motivated to do better for himself, to do better for his children, and even to do better for Toph. He believed, on some level, Toph had similar feelings.

The change in residences had been a definite improvement for her. She was still skittish and reluctant around Lin, but she wasn't resistant. There were some afternoons when Aang would happen by the nursery and find her standing beside Lin's bassinette, tentatively stroking her daughter's cheek. There had even been a few times when Toph had been compelled to scoop Lin into her arms in order to settle her cries.

Aang never made a big deal of those instances for fear Toph would retreat back into herself. He purposely subdued his need to praise her even when there were times when he was bursting with pride for her accomplishments. Besides, Toph wasn't the type who appreciated flash and fanfare anyway. She liked to make her accomplishments quietly. Respecting that, Aang allowed her the space to come into motherhood on her own terms and in her own way. He knew she observed the way he was with Kya, Bumi and Tenzin and often times he had glimpsed her mimicking the same behavior with Lin. She was trying and that was enough.

Of course, their living arrangements did present a few logistical challenges. Washroom privileges sometimes became a little dicey. There was only one available in the house and that sometimes led to inevitable backups and awkward moments. Though they had a nice schedule for the children in the mornings and evenings, Aang and Toph sometimes found their own bathroom schedules conflicting.

Twice Aang had almost walked in on Toph fresh from her shower and once she had actually come into the bathroom to brush her teeth while he was relieving himself. He had been horrified by her abrupt entrance, but Toph had simply shrugged and continued brushing her teeth like he wasn't standing six feet away with his… manly parts hanging free. It wasn't his brightest moment. After that incident, Aang seriously began to consider adding on an extra bathroom. When he mentioned the project to Sokka, in hopes of garnering some sympathy and understanding, the Water-Tribe warrior had merely laughed.

"Wow, not even a month and it's already getting awkward," he had teased Aang, "Yeah…I didn't see that one coming."

"It's not just because of Toph," Aang argued, "We could probably use another bathroom anyway. Having only one wasn't enough for three people to share, let alone four. And it's only going to get worse once Tenzin and Lin are potty trained. It's time to expand."

"So…you're anticipating that Toph will be living with you that long?" Sokka asked with some surprise, "This isn't just a temporary thing for you?"

"I…I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead."

"Well, if it's not temporary, that's a huge step, Aang. Living with someone can be—,"

"Wait a minute!" Aang had interrupted, his countenance drawn in a deep scowl, "Who said anything about living together? Toph and I aren't living together!"

"Then what would you call it?"

"We're…we're…uh…we're sharing the same space until she gets back on her feet again. We're roommates!"

"Aang, last time I checked that was pretty much the definition of living together."

"Don't say it like that!"

"Say it like what?"

"Say it like it's more than it is…like you think something is going on because it's not!"

"I'm not accusing you of anything," Sokka reassured him, "and I'm not implying anything either. I know there's nothing going on between you and Toph. First of all, you're not over my sister and I'm not sure you ever will be. And, second of all…you and Toph?" He snorted a dubious laugh. "Yeah, that'll never happen!"

"So then what's your point?" Aang huffed impatiently.

"My point is that you two are still living together and that's going to present a lifestyle change for you. It's also going to increase your stress level."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you and Toph are nothing alike! You're like oil and water. You don't mix. You'll drive each other crazy."

"You're wrong, Sokka. For your information, Toph and I are getting along just fine."

"Yeah, that's because she's all vulnerable and depressed and docile right now," Sokka sighed, "Wait until she's feeling better again. You'll be begging her to leave."

"Why do I get the impression that this situation amuses you?" Aang wondered.

Sokka had clapped a hand on his shoulder with a wide, satisfied grin. "Because it does, my friend. It really does."

After Sokka had finished with his hearty laugh at Aang's expense, he had graciously volunteered to head up the bathroom addition on the house. Aang realized belatedly that would necessitate Sokka coming out to the island more often and he worried about how Toph might take the news. He didn't want to upset her further when she was already in such a delicate state of mind. When he informed her of his plans and warned her that Sokka would be a constant presence, she had responded to his concern with brutal disdain.

"If you don't stop treating me like some fragile doll, Twinkle Toes, I swear I'm going to rip out your spine and beat you with it!"

And that was that. Aang knew from that moment onward that Toph was on the mend. He watched as she grew more confident with Lin and, in the process, livened up their household in a way he hadn't expected. She was a perfect playmate for Bumi, who absolutely adored her. She was the only one who could make Tenzin laugh, which completely dumfounded Aang. She also drove Bao crazy, which secretly amused him and she had an oddly gentle rapport with Kya, who was absolutely the complete antithesis of her personality and yet was the only person around whom Toph seemed almost awkwardly tentative.

"It's because she reminds me of Katara," she had confessed to Aang once when he asked, "I listen to her speak and I feel her movements and she feels like Katara."

It had taken a long time before Aang could speak again without fear of his words breaking on a sob. Finally, he'd managed to whisper, "She looks like her too."

"So it's kind of like she's still here with us, isn't it?"

Aang's tone was wistful when he answered, "Yeah…it kind of is."

Somehow their temporary living arrangements began to take on an unspoken sense of permanence as one week became two and two weeks eventually stretched on into a month and onward, Aang and Toph settled into a quasi-normal family without even realizing it. Oftentimes, they had dinner together and spent recreational time together. At times, Toph would even feed the children breakfast and usher them off to school with a barking edict to "move their butts!" Needless to say that Kya and Bumi appreciated their father's less militant approach to the morning routine, but Aang admired Toph's efforts nonetheless.

He smiled to himself about that presently as he finished Kya's bedtime story and leaned over to brush a goodnight kiss across her forehead. But as he turned to leave her, he was surprised when she reached out to tug the edge of his robe. Aang heeded her unspoken request to stay with a gentle smile.

"What is it, sweetie?"

Kya scooted upright in her bed, her small face very pensive before she asked, "Are you happy, Dad?"

Aang was visibly taken aback by the question and left a little flustered. "Happy?" he echoed a little blankly, "I…I don't know. I haven't thought about it much. Do I seem happy?"

"You seem like you are…sometimes," Kya admitted after a thoughtful moment, "You smile more and you play with us more, especially since Aunt Toph came to stay with us. I like that."

"Well…I'm glad."

It was a lame reply, Aang knew, but he was somewhat at a loss as to how to respond to her. In his mind, he had been making an effort to improve his parenting for two main reasons: his children deserved it and he wanted to provide an appropriate model for Toph. Never had Aang imagined that his attitude and outward demeanor were being affected by that. Not drastically anyway. Inside, Aang didn't feel like very much had changed at all, but evidently he was wrong about that. It was certainly so if his children were beginning to notice.

Kya reached over to pat his hand. "I'm glad you're happy again, Dad. I was worried about you. I didn't want you to be sad about Mom forever. Besides, she never liked it when you were sad."

A faint smile touched the corners of his mouth. "No, she didn't."

The mood between them shifted. As the conversation shifted to her mother, Kya lowered her eyes then, her small fingers playing over the edge of her blankets. "I still miss her. There are so many things I want to tell her, but I can't. I wish she was here with us again."

Aang moved to gather her close. He gave her a tight hug. "I wish that too, Kya. I wish it all the time."

She buried her face into the soft folds of his robes. "But I've been afraid to tell you how I feel."

Frowning at the admission, Aang tipped his head down to get a glimpse of her face. "Why would you be afraid to tell me, sweetie?"

"Because…because whenever I talk about her, you get so sad and then you don't want to be around us," Kya confessed in a broken whisper, "It's like you don't care about anything. So I don't talk about her because I don't want you to get sad again."

Aang blinked back the guilty tears that burned in his eyes, shocked into near immobility by her words. "Kya, I'm so sorry," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her rumpled head, "I didn't realize I was making you feel that way. I haven't been handling this very well, have I?"

"No, not really."

He accepted her candid response with a self-deprecating sigh. "Are you mad at me?" he asked softly.

"Sometimes," she revealed in a timid mumble, "But mostly I'm just scared."

"Why are you scared?"

"Because I think you might leave us like Mom left us and then Bumi, Tenzin and I won't have anyone."

The underlying resentment he heard in her tone as Kya spoke of her mother put Aang on instant alert. He tenderly grasped his daughter's chin and brought her wet blue gaze to his equally wet gray one. "I'm sorry you've had such a tough time and I'm sorry I made that worse for you. I didn't mean to do that. But Kya, I need you to understand something. Sometimes bad things happen that you can't control and that's what happened to your mother. She didn't choose to leave us."

"But she could have healed herself and she didn't! She didn't even try!"

"No, sweetie. That's not what happened," Aang corrected gently, "I should have explained this to you after she died, but I had a hard time talking about it. I still do, but you need to understand, okay?" Kya jerked an unhappy nod. "Your mother became very sick after she had Tenzin and it happened very fast. She didn't know anything was wrong. Neither did I. And by the time we did, it was too late to do anything and your mom…" He broke off with a sharp intake of breath, composing himself mentally before he finished. "She would have never left us if it had been her choice."

Kya buried her face in his chest with small, hiccupping sobs, wanting to believe him and torn by the secret resentment she had harbored for so many months. Aang cradled her close and fought back his own. "Have you been blaming her this whole time?" His answer to that was broken whimpers of anguish. "Oh, sweetheart…I have made so many mistakes with you, haven't I?" Aang lamented.

"I've just been…so mad at her…and at you…" Kya wept, "I just want her to come back! Why can't she come back?"

He couldn't help but think about how he had been so thoroughly obsessed with that same question himself and how, in many ways, it had been driving him to extremes. But the time had come to lay those obsessions to rest. The awful truth of it was that Katara was gone. But his children were here and they needed him to be present with them…physically, mentally and emotionally. He thought back to the words Roku had spoken to him.

You're trying to straddle two worlds and that is an impossible thing to do. Where does your heart truly lie, Aang? Until you decide, you will never be firmly settled in either world.

In essence, that was exactly what he had been doing. He had been straddling two worlds, desperately hanging on to Katara even at the expense of their children and everything that was dear to him. Aang knew he couldn't do that anymore. He had been so wrapped up in his own pain that he had been blind to their pain and the agony they had been suffering daily since their mother died. As much as he yearned to be with Katara again, Aang knew that he needed to lay her to rest more because his need for her was slowly tearing his family apart. Without even realizing it, he had become selfish and self-centered and Aang didn't want to be that man anymore.

"I don't know why she can't come back, Kya," he whispered finally, "But she can't and we have to accept that. I have to accept that. I won't tell you that will be easy for me or that I won't make mistakes, but I'm going to do my best because I love you and your brothers so much."

Kya relaxed against him then and expelled a large sigh, as if it was the first easy breath she had taken in months. Sadly, Aang suspected that it was. "We love you too, Dad."

"But I can promise you this, Kya, I won't leave you…not if I can help it."