[Farquaad's workout room. He's lifting a seemly heavy barbell, with help from Falonious.]

Farquaad: (Counting how many times he lifts the barbell)494, 495, 496. (To Falonious) That's enough. (To audience)Princess Fiona, I am Lord Farquaad. (To Falonious)What do you think?

Falonious: Sounds polite.

Farquaad: Yes, but it's too formal. (grabs hold of barbell again and does another lift)600! (Lets go)Fiona! I, am Farquaad. But you can call me Maximus, as I've no doubt you will. Woof. (Looks at Falonious for approval, but he shakes his head)Your right, to smutly. (Servant enters. To audience)What soft! Light through younder window breaks, Princess Fiona, and Farquaad is the Sun!

Servant: Milord, we've just received word. Princess Fiona has been rescued and is on her way.

Farquaad: On her way! And so am I! My fairytale Princess. I always said I'd be king, and look! The last adorable piece to my Master Plan. Which reminds me. Oh, Mirror!

[Mirror appears]

Mirror: Yes, my liege!

Farquaad: How are the wedding preparations going?

Mirror: All in order milord! We've booked the Cathedral and the Band!

Farquaad: Excellent!

Mirror: Although I was wondering,

Farquaad: (Interrupts)Yes?

Mirror: If you'd like to invite your father?

[Falonious looks scared and starts to back up.]

Farquaad: My what?

Mirror: Why, your father my liege.

[Falonious exits]

Farquaad: Do you mean, that horrible little man, that vile grunt! That mal tempered monster who abandoned me in the woods as a child?

Mirror: Well he did have his reasons.

Farquaad: Mirror, please. (Puts hand up, which makes Mirror pout)My father just simply couldn't accept that I wanted nothing to do with the family business.

Ballad of Farquaad

FARQUAAD
My daddy was a miner
So he wasn't much around
Foraging for diamonds
A life spent underground

Daddy didn't talk much
He barely said hello
He'd simply mutter "Heigh ho"
And off to work he'd go

Daddy was grumpy...

My momma was a princess
Who left her crown behind
Daddy was her true love, so
Momma didn't mind

I never knew my momma
But she could've been a queen
She married way beneath her...
Beneath her knee, I mean

Ohhh, daddy's bed was lumpy
So mommy couldn't sleep
Daddy built a new one
So tall and so steep

Twenty-five mattresses she slept upon
One night she rolled over...
And momma was gone

So daddy was grumpy...

Me and my old man
A tale as old as dirt
A bitter distant father
In a tiny undershirt

Daddy up and left me
Left me good as dead
Now he lives in squalor
Sleeping seven to a bed

(spoken)
You abandoned me in those woods, daddy. Well I crawled out! And up! Oh, if only you could see me now, daddy...I'd invite you to the wedding but you have to be THIS tall to get in! Hahahahahaha! ( If Mirror hasn't already disappeared, he should do so now.)

Guards enter. They will be the dancing and singing Ensemble.

(sung)
My bride-to-be is gorgeous
Her wedding dress, designer
The guest list will be major
Without a minor miner

Guards
La la la la la la la la la la la la la

FARQUAAD
Packs of royal lackeys
Playing violin

GUARDS
Strings of royal underlings

FARQUAAD & (GUARDS)
Who will not let you in!
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!
Tricked out carriage!
(Tricked out carriage)
Twenty stallions!
(Twenty stallions)
With a coachman named Raoul
(With a coachman named Raoul)
Big reception!
(Big reception)
With a boy band!
(With a boy band)
And a royal deejay by the pool...

Yes! I can see my future
And so it shall be done
It's total domination
With some torture just for fun, hee hee!

'Cause I will have my wedding And I will have a queen!
And once I get that crown on
You will get the guillotine

And I'll punish you daddy
'Cause I'm all grown up And bigger than you'll ever know!

You're gonna pay daddy!
It's any day daddy!
I'm off to work
Heigh ho!

Curtain closes.