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Chapter 11

Wednesday, May 14th, 1997

"I don't want to go back," whispered Tara in the dark as Jax stroked her head.

"Me either," he responded, the sadness evident in his voice.

Tara moved her head to look at her boyfriend. "Do you mean that?" Her heart pounded against her chest as she awaited for his response.

"Yea," he leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss on the lips. "These past two days were great, babe."

"What if we leave Charming? Permanently?" she asked, hating the hopefulness tone of her voice. "What if we go out East and start over? Just you and me, baby?"

Jax sighed and ran one of his hands against his face. "Tara, we had two good days. Let's not ruin that."

She stiffen at his words.

Jax resumed to stroke her head, the waves nearby not easing the tension that now filled their room.

"Hey, hey."

Tara sat up and Jax followed suit. He reached over and turned the lamp next to him. She covered her bare chest and waited for him to speak. "Babe, I thought you liked the past couple of days."

"I did," she answer curtly.

"When what's wrong now?" he asked, not keeping his annoyance at bay.

"Nothing. Let's just go to sleep. We got a long ride tomorrow." Tara turned and gave him her back, holding back tears.

She felt the sheets being pulled away uncovering her completely.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Tara. I try and I try and its never fucking good enough, is it?" She felt Jax's hot breath on her neck.

She turned rapidly, almost head butting Jax and sat up. "No, its not. I want more for us, Jackson. You said it yourself. You don't want to go back to Charming. You know that Charming is just an incestuous town that will suck the fucking life out of you. It does to everyone else. It's like every fucking inhabitant is living in fucking limbo doing nothing with their lives. Just sitting there waiting for something to happen. What if nothing ever happens? What then?"

"Why must something happen? Why can't we just fucking live there, happy with our family?" Jax answer hotly, his face getting red in anger and his voice raising slightly.

"Our family? You mean your family. SAMCRO is yours by birthright. Me, I don't have anyone but you. Why can't you see that?"

"You're my Old Lady. That means SAMCRO is also your family by extension. That's enough protection and status! Most fucking chicks would be happy with that." Jax stood and looked around the floor locating his boxers and pulling them on. "Honestly, what else do you want from me?" He looked like he was close to tears. "I made this happen," he motioned with his arm to their surroundings. "I fucking try to be there for you as much as possible. Fuck, Tara, I let you into my fucking heart. What else could I do at this point to be good enough for you?"

Tara wiped the fallen tears from her face.

"I don't want to feel like an invalid just like my mom. I don't want to turn into your mother, who turns around and acts like Clay doesn't fuck around on her while you guys are on runs. I don't want to go around and carry a gun cause I am scared that one of your enemies would come and blow my fucking brains out any moment, out of retaliation. And don't act like you could keep me safe 24/7, cause that is humanly impossible. Bad shit happens to people all the time, more so when they are involved with criminal activities. And please don't deny it, Jackson; I'm far from stupid. One day, I want to marry you and have a ton of your babies. But, I want to know that they will be safe. That I could provide them with a stable and secure home who has both a Mom and a Dad present. Not a Dad that is in and out of jail for a romantic notion of brotherhood and solidarity. I came from a broken home. I know how it feels to have a parent missing and so do you. Imagine our kids growing up in that environment? Is that something you seriously want for our kids? I want us to be happy! We aren't happy in Charming! We haven't been happy in a while," she sobbed.

Jax recoiled like if he had been slapped across the face. They both stayed silent for a moment.

Jax sat beside her. "Don't I make you happy?" his voice breaking.

Tara nodded. "You do, Jackson. You make me incredibly happy. So, so happy. But I know that deep down, you want more, just like I do. " Tara looked down at her hands. "Katie…"

Jax scoffed and tried to get up from the bed. Tara held onto his arm. "Listen to this, Jackson." She turned his head so he could look at her. "Katie gave me some college and university applications. Colleges and universities based in New York City."

Jax paled.

Tara took a deep breath and continued, "when I was pissed at you, I filled them out but haven't sent out the applications yet. Baby, my gut is telling me that this is our way out. Our only way out. Now, I am not saying..."

"Tara...enough," Jax whispered thru clench teeth.

"NO!" she yelled, her face turning crimson. "I got until the fall to submit these applications, so I could start next year. I know what I am asking for is a lot but just think about it. Don't say no just because you are blindly loyal to SAMCRO... All I am asking is that you think about it. It's a possibility not a definite. Please, Jackson."

"I can't believe you are doing this," Jax muttered.

"I'm not making you do anything, Jackson. I am giving you a gift..." Tara replied.

Jax looked up. "A gift?"

Tara nodded and braced his face with her hands. "For the first time in your life, Jax, you have a choice. Which path are you going to choose? Instead of forcing you to do something or be someone, like Gemma and John did with SAMCRO, I am letting you choose your path. You have the option of being the man you want to be, not a man that your mother is choosing for you to be. You could remain in SAMCRO. And if you do, I'll respect that. Or you could come out East with me and turn over a new leaf. Just you and me, baby, and a whole world of possibilities...Just think about it, ok?" She tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear.

Jax looked into her eyes for a long moment. "Ok," he whispered.

She felt a smile spread across her lips as tears of happiness ran freely down her cheeks.

"I love you, Jax. Never forget that. " Tara embraced Jax, who remained still in her arms.