I am so sorry but I have had two weeks of packing and unpacking removal boxes and moving a four bedroomed house into a two bedroom, bedlam, then two weeks of no internet... I hate typing on my phone and I used my data on the damned house move, never again, good point my hands are rested bad points house heating broke and chest infection gotten, but I am in a writing mood, I will post again before weekend...

This is very unlike fifty shades of grey; it's my story, I'm just purloining EL James's characters:

Post postpartum depression:

PPD features a lot in this story: It is a sad fact that most mothers suffer in silence because nobody understands them: some are lucky and realise they need to seek out help.

Chapter 11: A traitor needs to be found:

Ana's POV:

As Christian and I sit at the table eating dinner, the conversation, as expected is all about her, at one point everyone's phones were switched off and placed in a drawer such was the interruption from friends, press and everyman and his dog wanting to know all the details. Then the awkwardness of my stay in the clinic raised its head, as it should have, they need to know what I have done and why I am out way earlier than I anticipated. Christian has just said thank god over, over and yes, I too thank him in my silent prayers.

"Ana Dear, how was it in general?" Carrick asks; he too smiling as he watches as Grace burps their grandson. The way they have accepted me back into the fold is amazing. I am very lucky to have them in my life.

"It was the realisation that I hadn't got PPD that made me start to feel good again that and not being so tired. Charlie says I was very lucky not to be suffering from actual PPD. I feel so sorry for those women who have it worse than I did Carrick! I mean I was so bad, what must it be like for women who suffer in silence and have the full blown thing, thats so frightening I was bad, they must be living in their own corner of hell?

Anyway, I was scheduled a counselling session with Charlie, but instead she had me watch the film from the award night, she was there receiving an award for her work at Calming Waters. Anyway, she seemed to think it would help heal be quicker than a dozen sessions with her and when I had watched it, I was, as stupid as this sounds, vindicated for hating her. I am only sorry I wasn't there to get a smack in for Christian. Seeing Grace in protection mode, well it made me realise just what I would like to do to her too and what I would do to her if she touched Teddy. After I watched it, there was only one place I needed to be and that was here with Christian, she passed me my bags and called for Samantha and Luke, I told them I wanted to surprise you all, again." As I looked up his face was illuminated almost, I had made my husband blush, a thing I have never witnessed nor been able to do, the shoe is normally on the other foot as they say. He grabs my thigh and gives it a gentle thank you squeeze. I know now, as I stare into his eyes, that I made the right decision.

"So Charlotte said, now Cary darling let Ana eat. She has plenty of time to tell us of her stay."

"Mom is right Baby, eat and tell us later."

"I am fine actually Christian, I am able to eat this delicious meal and answer your questions. Carrick, it was very quiet, I had time to think and time to be Ana, safe and secure and with no worries other than those of my own making. Charlie, she pushed me to talk to my horses and they monitored my conversations with them, they're not very hands on and healing at all. They and it, the clinic, were not what I was expecting, I thought I would be lay on a couch and talking my problems through, but I didn't, I talked to their horses cooked supper and generally relaxed as I mucked out and chatted to my new four legged friends, it is one of the many ways Charlie gets you to open up." Christian stops eating and looks at me, do I have food on my chin?

"Horses, you like horses Ana?" Christian says as his hand leaves my thigh. "I mean do you really like them?"

"I didn't like them for a long time, but I do like the ones who helped in my recovery, if that's what my week in a health spa was, really it was a week of rest and recuperation, apparently I was exhausted and not suffering with PPD, hence my being allowed home."I look at Carrick and he is smiling, he eats his lamb and looks like he has had a mountain of worry lifted from his shoulders. "I want to buy them, the mare and the foal she is having, if they will let me, I think Teddy would love riding in the meadow at the Sound House. If we are still going to be living there, when it is ready? Is it going to be long Christian?" He smiles again and then I notice he really does smile a lot, more than before I went away I wonder if it's no longer the Ana effect, but the Teddy Bear Smile?

"No, not long at all. We are going to live there together Ana, I mean if you want me there with you and Teddy?" Umm do I keep him hanging and lonely at Escala or happy with Teddy and I in the Sound House? I have been told I am not crazy, so why would I do something crazy?

"Of course I do. All this could have been easier, had I simply talked to someone, anyone. Had I been in the right frame of mind, I may have, Christian it wasn't easy for me either impending parenthood, it wasn't what I had planned, I wanted to make a go of Grey Publishing and travel before we added Teddy in to our world of chaos? You and I have a lot to talk about Christian and I still need to go to see Charlie and discuss things with her. She seems to think my issues stem from my mother and her inept mothering skills. I lack the confidence to believe in myself. She and I will be working on building that up and helping me through the many issues I have. It seems we both have hidden 'Mommy Issues' Christian. Grace could I have some more lamb please?"

"Certainly, here help yourself. Teddy here is all fed, Christian could you take him and wind him for me please?"

"Can I do that, I mean I'd like to, if it is okay?" They looked at me, like I was about to hurl him through the window, or at least I thought they did. Grace smiled as she passed me my son. Christian, the expert, he showed me the position Gail had found the easiest and most comfortable way of doing this. I placed a burp cloth over my knee and placed the tiny thing over it and paddled his back, cupping my hands and gently patting his back as I did, he murmured and seemed to grin, like he had done something bad. His father has the same grin when he and I played in the Red Room of Pain, mischievous almost. He let out the biggest burp I had ever heard, he even shocked himself, the little man cried, but it wasn't like the ear piercing shrills he let out before, this was different, I held him against my shoulder to comfort him and with his crying rubbed away he settled and I cried, yes I cried, because I had managed a crying Teddy and not freaked out or lost it with him.

"Ana, what's the matter, why are there tears in your eyes Baby?"

"He is beautiful, so very beautiful, thank you for making him better Grace. Thank you for proving me right Christian and Carrick, thank you for helping them."

"I didn't do a lot; I hardly got a look in if truth be told. We will have plenty of time for Grandad and Teddy time. I bought him a fishing pole and a season ticket to the Mariners."

"Dad..."Christian had that smile again.

"Okay, I promised to take him to his first game and sit in Christian's box there, but I did get him something when went into town. Here let me get it." He dashed off, only to return with a tiny baseball outfit complete with a catcher's mitt and a ball.

"No bat Carrick?" I joked.

"What yes, it's still in the office, I forgot it, Ana do you think he will like it?"

"He will. He is all set for his first game. Is it too stupid to think you lot have not spoiled him with clothes and toys?"

"We may have indulged Anastasia." Christian says as I shake my head. He is going to be one spoilt little man. I rub his back and I continue to eat, I feel wonderful and it is like the past few weeks and months have not happened and as stupid as this seems, it is like it never happened, but are we all in denial? Are they afraid to ask more questions, in case it upsets me? Have they truly forgiven me, because of me Christian and the whole family were robbed of precious time with Teddy? I then dread seeing my father again, but I know he will forgive me, because that's how he is, but I know I have hurt him as I have Christian. I snap out of feeling sorry for myself when Gretchen takes away my plate and sets before me a slice of chocolate heaven.

"I am sorry Grace; I can't have that, because I have to keep dairy out of my system. Emily has said I am able to feed Teddy myself, if I keep dairy products from my diet." Christian grins and Grace claps her hands together. Carrick blushes, it seems I am good at making the Grey men blush today.

"Good, good it will give him all the goodness he is missing, Emily is correct, it is still full of the goodness he needs and it will help you bond."

"Ana, that would be wonderful, are you sure you want to try?" Christian asks as he takes a fork full of my cake, having polished off his slice, and Gretchen had not skimped on his portion either. "Sorry waste not want not. I love chocolate cake." It would seem Gretchen has goo-goo eyes for my husband still.

"I can see. I would like to try, but what if he is sick after he feeds Grace, Emily said there is a possibility of that happening?"

"Mother's milk is the best thing for him; the chances of him being sick are slim, but if it happens we are here. Now are you two okay if Cary and I have an evening with the neighbours?"

"Mother, we are grown ups, I am sure Ana and I can cope, need I ask what you are discussing?"

"Actually, we are starting the charity I suggested for helping victims of this sort of abuse."

"I would like to look into starting one too, to help bring awareness to PPD. It is a taboo subject and sadly, it is unspoken of or often miss diagnosed as baby blues and people need to be aware of this and of how severe and common the problem is. I want to fund places for people who actually have the problem, I am one of the lucky ones to be misdiagnosed in having it, and most people, women and men are not diagnosed with it, if that makes sense Grace can you help me set up a charity Grace?"

"Men get it?" Typical, both my husband and Carrick too, note that little gem and don't believe it to be possible.

"Yes, fathers have it too or can get it. One day you are a couple and the next you are a family, sometimes a father is over looked and feels left out, not purposely in most cases, but everyone praises the mother and they make a fuss over her. Then the mother has to share her time between the husband and child, adding to her stress and adding to the problems, it's a vicious circle, often their partners take a back seat and feel isolated, they can cuddle change and do the menial tasks, but miss the bonding mothers, the lucky ones who can feed their children themselves, are able to do, most mothers cannot express their milk in the beginning in significant quantity to allow the fathers a look in." Carrick has rosy hue on his cheeks again.

"Err, I think I see where that could be a problem, I love feeding Teddy." And so it begins...

"That's what they invented breast pumps for. I have been throwing mine away, but I am like able to express milk for you to feed our son, if you were worrying Christian? I had thought it would have dried up, my milk, but all it took was a little patience and a few hours milking myself like a cow. I want to at least try Christian?"

"Well Teddy that was your last bottle, for a while, Mommy is going to feed you. I will inform Gretchen she is to hold off on making him his bottles." Grace says as I continue to rub his little back.

Gretchen it seems is bottle maker to my son and I don't know if I like that idea, she is already agog with Christian; her eyes are always virtually stripping my husband. She is not getting her hands on Teddy too. I snap out of it, before my blue eyes turn pea green. Gretchen is a nice girl with good taste Anastasia; I chastise myself and mentally slap my head.

"Erm, Grace we are late." Carrick is on his third blushing session and Christian is grinning like a fool. Is this all he does, dotes on his son and grins like a fool, gone is the Ana affect and it has replaced with the Teddy affect.

"They can wait; I need a hug before we leave. I have my suspicion you will be retiring to bed before we get back?" Fuck, I mean fuddle, I hadn't given our sleeping arrangements one tiny bit of thought. "I will also leave him in your room, I usually nanny nap him every morning. I like the quiet time with my little man." Grace informs us.

"Ana and I will be stopping here tonight, in my rooms, but tomorrow we will be going home. I mean if that's okay Ana?" He asks and I simply return the blush and nod my head. "I presume you want to, I mean we can talk and watch Teddy sleep?" Really, he wants to watch our son sleeping, this is so unlike Christian.

"Grace are you ready dear? They have a bottle of fine malt with my name on it, we lesser of the species are being sent to the bar, whilst the ladies talk about the news headlines. Ana, it is nice to see you back and I hope you ask for help should my ass of a son do anything like this again?"

"I will Carrick, I have no doubt he will try is best to be better at communicating, as will I."

"Hey I am here you know. It smells like our son has pooped again; Ana, do you want to change him and perhaps bathe him before bedtime?"

"I'd like to give it a try, I mean yes I would love to." Grace and Carrick got their kisses in and went to drown their sorrows or toast the wicked witch's downfall. Leaving Christian alone with Teddy, why did this feel like our first date? He is looking down at Teddy and smiling.

"He looks just like me Ana, he even has my temper. All he has of yours is those beautiful blue eyes."

"Poor kid, he's going to be a chick magnate all his life. What did my dad say when he rolled up?"

"He was enamoured with his grandson, he gave me a few words of advice and we agreed I needed to give you more freedom."

"Thank you for that, and as sign of my willingness to try to be stronger and less head strong, I agree to the protection officers, for both Teddy and I. No arguments, because I realise what we have there is priceless."

"He is, a smelly priceless little boy." He adds as he leads the way. We head up to his room and I follow him. I am nervous and excited in the same breathe. I watch his butt as it climbs the stairs; he turns to grab my hand and smiles.

"Like what you see Baby?"

"What, the carpet on the stairs is a wonderful shade of blue." He laughs and we head into his room. "Christian I am sorry for what I did, running away; it was the most stupidest thing I have ever done."

"There are no apologies needed from you Ana, only ones from me. My drinking was out of control had I been in the right frame of mind and not out of it drunk I would have realised Welch was not doing his job. Ana I am going to make this up to you if it takes me the rest of my life, I will. You have given me the best gift ever, our son, who is a blessing, not a curse and for saying that I again am sorry. He is smelly; take him from me whilst I get his personal tub ready. We normally share the bath water; he likes to kick around in the lavender bubbles, Ana, he lies on my chest and it feels like he was always meant to be there. That I have to thank you for, until you touched me, I don't think I would have ever allowed it to happen."

"Yes you would, because your son would never hurt you and you know this, or I would hope you would know this. He is part of you and part of me. He is wonderful and I could have done something to ruin this for everyone. I am sorry, I really am."

"We will have to agree to agree that this is it, put the line under the past and start again. If that's what you want?"

"Okay, I guess, but the thing with Welch, how will that play out, how can you make sure it never happens again? You trusted him, how can you trust anyone else like that again?"

"I trusted the wrong man. I have the right people working on it now, Barney was sidelined and given the crap to deal with, but he continued to look for you. I just trusted the wrong man. I will never do that again, nor will I treat the ones I have to trust with as much disdain as I did Welch. I have learnt not to put all my eggs in one basket too, too late for him but not for the future security guys and girls. Welch is the past and as long as he stays away, he is safe, we are safe Taylor has seen to it that Welch cannot get near us and invade our privacy ever again." He looks at me quickly and then away, he's hiding something because he can't bluff and look at me, just what is he hiding, there's only one way to find out...

"What does he have on you Christian, I know he has something, the old Christian would not settle so easily?"

"Ana..."

"Christian, please tell me what does he have on you?" He looks at me with such sadness in his eyes. God what does he have on him? More of those women, more on Elena and him, what, what is he hiding from me?

"Ana..."

"Christian, truth and honesty or I leave, it cannot be worse than what I am thinking he has on you, them her and your past, what, please tell me Christian."

"Ana, he has video feeds from our many interactions, video feeds I knew nothing about, from our first meeting in Escala; including my taking your gift, your first time in the Red Room and this is the most horrid thing... He filmed all of Teddy's birth, all of it including your interaction, or lack of it? I am so sorry Baby, if any of that came out, it would ruin you, and they would think you were like the others and I am a monster, it doesn't make for good viewing, your tears as you birthed our son were heartbreaking to hear. I caused you all that pain, that's why I will do anything to make this up to you, if it takes me the rest of my life to do it I will, besides forever making you feel good sounds like I it was meant to be..." Really, he wants to joke about this, at a time like this, about something as serious as this...

"Christian, how did he do what you couldn't, how did you not see it, how did he wield so much power over you and know about me and my whereabouts?"

"I trusted the wrong securities expert. Barney and his new team, they reckon he wanted to woo you away from me, by becoming like me a billionaire who got rich off his insider information. He was the one that dialled you, he sent you the messages and I was too drunk to realise it."

"Wow, bloody hell he is fucking deluded and in a creepy way, what the hell did he think he was doing, I have had no interaction with him other than perhaps three or four times. Fuck a duck, and the pond that moron is hiding in, he saw me give birth have you seen it, the feed?"

"I did, I was thankful to see it. I know what I saw was not great. I saw the pain. Ana please stop your swearing, you never swear. I made a deal with the devil, to protect you, Baby it's all sorted, he is keeping his money and away from us in return I don't look for him and he keeps our past out of the press. He was more in control of all this mess than I could have ever imagined, he found your apartment, your job and your doctor; he set you up to never return to me. He didn't expect you to love me. He filmed hours of you in your apartment; I listened as you said why do I still love him? Do you love me Baby?"

"Christian, yes, yes I love you, but you a bordering that line and crossing it...We have agreed to move forward and I for one need to speak to Barney, he needs to find him, because he needs to pay, I don't care what he filmed, we were two consenting adults and I for one am not ashamed by anything we did, in any room and in any position. I am glad he filmed the birth at least you saw it, I want that fucking clinic contacted and I want them to pay. They must have known it was being filmed. I was to sue their asses, I want... gimmy your phone."

C POV:

I hand her my phone and wonder what the hell she is doing.

"Get our son cleaned and bathed, I have the trash to take out. Barney hello, yes I am fine, Welch, can you find him?"

"Ana..."I whine...

"Ignore my husband, can you find him?" She places the phone on speaker. "I want him found and I want it doing ASAP, get whomever you need on it and only the people you trust." Wow, I like this decisive Anastasia. "I am sure you know what you are doing and I trust you to know me well enough to know that when I say I want him found I want it done."

"The Boss Man he said to leave him. But the Dragon Master knows of a way to find him and in fact has made it her mission to find him."

"Good, then Barney have the Dragon Master find him. As to Christian, he wants him to pay and I want it too, whatever he threatened us with, will be well into the open and then he will have nothing to threaten us with."

"Okay, then leave it with me, we will give you the news as soon as we have it."

"Thank you and for looking for me, now I have another phone call to make, then tomorrow at some point, we, Christian and I will need to speak to everyone dealing with security and the press."

"Okay, we will see you tomorrow."

"Bye Barney..." She put the pone down as I bathed Teddy, I am in awe of my woman, I could go all primal and very domineering at this very moment, but I have to concentrate on my son and make do with watching Ana and wishing we were alone and able to be like we once were. "Kate, yes, it's me, calm down, I am about to give you an exclusive story better than the Lincoln take down..." I hear her talk to Kate and I gather we are going public with life before Teddy. Our warts and all love story and kinky bits and the sad story of our separation, it is going to be in Kate's fathers newspaper and will be syndicated to the nationals, we will have nothing to hide and he will have nothing to blackmail us with. I have the fucking biggest hard on I have had in days; the last one was had when she stormed into my office and took down Elena.

"There Teddy, you a clean dry and powdered, Mommy can stop being bossy and dress you for bedtime."

"I can, can I? Good I need to relax a little. This would be the ideal time for a wine. Christian, I think it's time we put everything out there and made his blackmail threats worthless. Then we make him pay."

"I agree, but first, dress the boy. He is sleepy and we still have to talk."

"Just talk? I had plans to cuddle and talk."

"I had plans to fuck you into oblivion..."

"That would work too, but for now I need to see Doctor Green and get protection first dear and have my six week check up. Then we need to move out of your parents place. I didn't want to go back to Escala. I would love to escape for a while, perhaps take Teddy to Aspen and get some family time in and get to know each other again?"

"That's a good plan, I will make it happen, I guess this week will be one filled with Kate's interview and tracking down Welch."

"Now, let's get out boy changed, he is really cute, he has the cutest butt I have ever seen."

"I guess so, is it better than mine?"

"Hahaha, given he looks like you in all ways, his butt is like yours too, now, Mr Grey Junior, let's put you in these bunny onesie, he has enough here to throw away all the ones you take off? Christian he is not to be spoilt."

"He is the first grandchild nephew and son, of course he is going to be spoilt, just wait until my grandparents get back from their holidays, he will be knee deep in everything. Grandmother has always wanted a great grandchild." Ana puts on his diaper and dresses him, she is a natural as she gently places his arms and legs inside the outfit, she hums as she does and by the time he is dressed he is sleeping, and boy does our boy like to sleep.

"There all done, now Teddy let's get you into this beautiful crib, Mommy and daddy are going to watch you sleep, Mommy loves you Baby Boy, very much and I swear I will be the best mother I can, you just watch me." She places him gently down and sighs. "Christian, this is how I always imagined being a mother would be. I need to sleep I am so tired, can I borrow a shirt of yours?"

"You know where they are, can we, you know share my bed?"

"Yes, I'd like that, I mean if that's okay with you?"

"We need to just talk and find out what you need Ana. I would like to get back what we had before?"

"We will, we can as soon as I get the all clear, I was going to ask at the clinic, but my need to be here was the greater need."

"I am so in love with you Ana."

"And I am in love with you, you and Teddy are my world, it just went a little astray for a while..." I watched as she stripped and she was very skinny, I did see that in the videos her lack of baby fat. I wonder if that was the stress and my doing? I took off my clothes and we stared at each other, yeah we will be fine I see her eye fucking me... God this is going to be a hard night...

ALL RIGHT I AM SORRY FOR DELAY... WILL MAKE UP FOR IT BUT THIS STORY IS NOT A LONG RUNNING ONE LOL I HAVE OTHER STORIES I HAVE TO FINISH LOL, WHICH ARE NOT ON FANFICTION EITHER LOL... READ REVIEW AND THANKS NEWBIES FOR FOLLOWING XXXXX