I'm alive! With a really long chapter to apologize for not updating in so long. Enjoy! :)
"Commander Pixis will be coming in to inspect us," Levi growls one morning during practice. He goes down the line and glares at every cadet. "So if one of you brats keeps the Survey Corps from getting the funding we need, you'll be the first to be fed to the titans."
"Yes, Sir!" the shout, saluting. This is one visit they will take seriously, because they aren't about to bet their lives on the fact that Pixis will be impressed with how their training is progressing.
Then again… Dot Pixis isn't the sanest person they know…
Still, they have improved a lot. Cleaning gives them patience, endurance, and an eye for detail, running away from Levi gives them speed, and lightning-fast reflexes comes from continuously hiding the Laptop.
"Why is Pixis in charge of assessing us anyway?" Eren wonders during lunch later that day.
Armin shrugs. "The Garrison and the Survey Corps have to work together in the event of a titan attack. It makes sense for him to inspect our training."
"I'd take Pixis over Nile Dawk any day," Connie adds, who's sitting next to Armin and surfing tumblr. "The old baldy's a pretty cool dude."
"Tch, the Military Police would use any excuse to take money away from us," Mikasa mutters, stabbing at the stringy vegetables on her plate. Eren nods in agreement.
"A visit from Pixis really just means that Heichou is going to be grouchy." Eren sighs.
"What else is new?" Mikasa rolls her eyes.
"Nah, I think it'll be interesting," Sasha says, a slight gleam in her eye.
Connie looks over at her. "You're just mad about that cooking contest."
"I should have won!" Sasha shrieks, slamming her knife on the table. "Freaking horse face."
"I thought you admitted that your meat wasn't all that special," Connie points out. But he has to admit that her archery skills were impressive.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Sasha groans. "That meat was so good though."
CRASH!
"What was that?" Reiner asks.
Annie and Bertholdt come running into the dining room. Bertholdt is sweating, whereas Annie just looks annoyed. "Commander Pixis is here," Annie explains. "He needs some help bringing in his stuff."
"Yeesh, what did he bring? It sounds like they dropped a titan head in there or something." Jean mutters as he stands up.
The rest of them clear away their plates and follow him out the door. Instead of a titan head though, a couple members of the Garrison are struggling with -
"A TV?" Armin's jaw drops. "Pixis brought a TV with him?"
"Isn't that fancy," Ymir says, raising an eyebrow. A couple members of the Survey Corps take the load away from the Garrison soldiers, which they aren't happy about because it makes them look weak. But they aren't about to complain because they might have broken some of Levi's teacups back there…
"Good afternoon." Pixis walks up with a serene smile on his face, taking a quick swig of alcohol.
"Sir!" They salute and he nods at them.
"Eren Jaeger, it's a pleasure to see you once again," he says, shaking Eren's hand.
"You too, Sir," Eren replies. Jean rolls his eyes.
"I hope you will prove to be a good contestant," Pixis continues, smiling as he walks away to speak to Levi.
"Contestant?"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"As part of my evaluation of the Survey Corps," Pixis begins, "you will all take part in… a competition of sorts."
"Get ready to eat my dirt, Kirschstein," Eren whispers, smirking.
Jean snorts. "In your dreams, Jaeger."
"There will first be a preliminary round, after which ten contestants will be chosen," Pixis continues. "Then there will be a series of five competitions, all testing different skills. There will only be one winner, and that soldier will win instant popularity."
The room erupts into a buzz, soldiers whispering about who they think will make it into the top ten.
"It's like training all over again," one cadet grumbles.
"The preliminary round will be a race through an obstacle course. Those with the most expert maneuver abilities will make it to the top ten and into the competition!" Pixis smiles and points to the TV, which has been set up in the mess hall. "Every one of your teammates will be watching from this fine television here."
Armin sucks in a long breath. "So what, is this going to be some sort of reality TV show?" he asks to no one in particular.
"May the best soldier win!"
The first round begins after lunch. All of the cadets double check to make sure that their 3DMG are working properly. Levi grabs some of Sasha's stashed biscuits and some of his favorite tea and sits back to enjoy the show.
"Mikasa's totally going to come in first," Eren mutters. "She probably doesn't even want to take part in this stupid thing."
"Well, she'll make the Survey Corps look good," Krista mentions.
"True, but she makes the rest of us look bad."
"Comparing us to Mikasa is like comparing us to Levi," Connie says, who's checking his reflection in the mirror to make sure there's not a hair on his head. Hair increases air resistance, after all.
"This will be a race," Pixis announces, "so the first ten to reach the finish line will continue!"
The cadets stand poised. Bertholdt is sweating up a flood, Annie and Mikasa stare challengingly at each other and Eren almost falls out of the tree.
3...
2...
1...
BAM!
The green flare shoots off into the sky, smoke gathering among the clouds. The sounds of whooping and cheering can be heard, along with the metal hiss of the 3DMG.
"Last one there's a rotten potato!" Connie shouts, grinning.
"I am not a potato girl!" Sasha shrieks, giving chase. "You are going down!"
The two of them speed past Jean, who grits his teeth and presses the button for more gas.
The obstacle course isn't too difficult. Some aberrant branches, cardboard titans, etc. The main obstacles are really all of the cadets who are trying to get around each other while still in close proximity.
Mikasa comes in first. No one is surprised.
Sasha comes in second, with Connie half a second too slow, because Sasha isn't one to lose a race. Especially if it's against Connie.
Annie slices through a couple seconds later, with Reiner close behind.
Armin comes in sixth, Krista is seventh, and Ymir is eighth. Bertholdt crashes in into ninth place (he caught a lot of leaves and small branches along the way).
No sign of Jean or Eren yet. Half a minute later they can be seen in the distance, along with a couple other cadets.
"Why did it take them so long?" Connie wonders.
Ymir rolls her eyes. "Probably tried to do cool tricks in the air or something. Idiots."
Armin isn't sure who he should cheer for. Both Jean and Eren are his friends, but only one of them can qualify.
For a second it looks like Eren will win, but Jean suddenly comes up behind, flashes his signature smirk, and shouts, "See ya, Jaeger!"
And all Eren can see is red. The red ribbon of the finish line, the same color as Mikasa's scarf, the red of his burning anger.
Everyone cheers when Jean passes the finish line, except for Armin and Mikasa who linger behind to talk to Eren. Well, there's not much talking, listening to him mutter curses is more like it.
"Mikasa, do you always come in first because your scarf is the same color as the finish line?" Eren blurts.
"I don't think that's how it works, Eren." Armin sighs. He really wonders about his friend sometimes.
"Or maybe it's just because she's wearing something around her neck! Levi Heichou also wears something around his neck! And he's humanity's strongest soldier! Maybe that's why commanders wear bolo ties!"
"Eren, if you work hard, it doesn't matter what you have around your neck..." Armin tried to reason with his friend. Sometimes he really wonders what will happen to humanity when Eren has it on his shoulders.
Eren growls angrily but doesn't say anything more.
But then the next day...
"Jaeger, what are you wearing?" Jean raises an eyebrow, because Eren and bowties really don't go together. Where did he even find something like that?
"Shut it, Kirschstein," Eren growls. "Just wait until I blow right past you next time we race."
Jean snorts. "What does that have to do with anything? And yeah right. But for now...you're going to have to watch me on TV."
Eren's mood is considerably worsened when Levi tells him that since he's not in the competition, he has time to clean the boys' dormitories.
"And take the stupid bow tie off," he snarls.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"The first challenge will be as follows!" Pixis announces. He's having a little too much fun being on stage with a microphone. He also assigned soldiers to decorate the stage so it would look camera ready.
"In order to test your accuracy and reflexes, we're going to have a little," he pauses for dramatic effect, "paint ball fight."
Whispers break out inside the mess hall, where all the cadets and superior officers are gathered to watch the competition.
"Heck yeah!" Connie exclaims. "This is my calling in life!"
"Gives us an excuse to hit Jean in the face. Might knock some sense into the guy," Sasha whispers back.
"Only one rule," Pixis continues. "No headshots."
"Dang!" Sasha mutters.
"Each competitor will have a certain color. During this round, two people will be eliminated. The person who hits the least number of people, and the person who getts hit the most."
Krista bites her lip nervously. "I'm not sure if I can do this."
"Don't worry." Ymir elbows Krista lightly. "Let your ferocious side show. They'll never know what hit them."
"Guns at the ready..."
"Wait, shouldn't we spread out first?" Bertholdt shouts, panicked.
"Nah, that would take the fun away from it!" Pixis replies. "Go!"
It's complete and utter chaos. Reiner narrowly misses getting nailed in the face, and Connie and Sasha instantly target Jean before he even has a chance to react. They're wearing some protective armor, but there will be bruises tomorrow.
"Duck!" Armin shouts to Mikasa, who does as she does. Behind her, Sasha gets hit right on her back. The force knocks her into Connie, which creates a domino effect, causing Annie to face-plant in the grass.
Of course… this pretty much gave them all a death sentence. Annie makes people face-plant, not the other way around.
Krista is hit the least often. Mostly because Ymir will shoot point blank if any of them tries to hit Krista. The only time she is hit is by accident. Unfortunately… she hits the least amount of people as well.
Eren thought that Bertholdt would get hit the most often, just because he's tall and kind of clumsy, but Reiner is literally a rainbow when the gong (yes Pixis went the whole nine yards) sounds. He's covered from head to toe in every color possible.
Even so, they're all bruised but happy at the end of the day. Except Eren, who's just mad that he missed out on a golden opportunity to attack Jean. And of course, he has to do the laundry. He is really starting to question why on earth they wear white pants.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"You have got to be kidding me," Annie mutters. They are really beginning to question Pixis' methods.
"As a member of the Survey Corps," Pixis continues, "it's important to have excellent communication skills. Which is why we're playing this game. Simply take the message and pass it down the line. Hopefully it emerges the same way it started.
"Points will be deducted for speaking too loudly. The ability to communicate quietly is important. You may only say the message once, and points will be deducted if you were the one who messed up the message."
They sit in a random order, which will be rearranged during the game. Mikasa is first.
She makes a puzzled face when the message is delivered, but passes it on to Ymir.
"Hn, this should be interesting," Levi says to Hanji. "Those brats never listen to what I say. And I think they've learned to tune out any useless information after listening to you ramble."
In the corner, with his broom, Eren hears what Levi says and snickers. People tune out Hanji and she never notices.
Meanwhile…
"Chins fry wood and laid gin?" Sasha raises an eyebrow. That makes no sense whatsoever.
Rico Brzenska sweatdrops. She's helping out with the competition, which is the last thing she wants to be doing, but it was a direct order from the Commander. "Not even close…"
"Ugh, Connie you messed it up!" Sasha grumbles.
"I did not!" Connie protests. "I specifically said: Genes buy good genies and bad genies!"
"What was the actual phrase?" Armin asks.
"Jean bought jeans to pile up in Jean's pile of clean jeans and dirty jeans," Rico reads.
Jean resists the urge to facepalm. Of all the tongue twisters they could have picked…
"Well… at least we kept the 'j' sound," Armin says.
"This is stupid," Annie mutters. Of course, now Connie thinks that's what the message is and passes that on. It comes out slightly mangled, but not unrecognizably so.
"Sorry, Cadet Leonhardt. Points off for you."
"Whatever."
As soon as Armin tells her the next message, Annie groans because anything associated with these words always makes Bertholdt laugh like an idiot. Bertholdt is quite tall, so she also has to stand up and deliver the message.
"The colossal titan cooks corn at the tipsy titan cafe."
The sentence made no sense whatsoever. This one she does purposely say it quieter so that Bertholdt won't start laughing, but she accidentally grumbles, "You're a colossal idiot," because she's annoyed that he starts laughing at stuff like this.
And of course… he hears. And starts laughing so hard he almost runs into Armin. Everyone looks at each other, confused. This is pretty out of character for Bert… usually he's pretty quiet.
Since the messages area displayed on the TV for the viewers, Reiner facepalms so hard that no amount of scrubbing with remove the red marks on his forehead for the next week.
In the end, Sasha's eliminated for laughing too much and accidentally talking too loudly, while Annie's dropped for just not caring and failing overall at the telephone game.
"Don't worry about it," Erwin says, putting his hand on Eren's shoulder, scaring the heck out of him. Erwin arrived the day before to observe the competition. Personally, he finds it extremely amusing, but he has to stay professional. "There's always something not even Mikasa Ackerman can do."
"What?" Eren asks, but the commander is already walking away. "Yeesh," he mutters, straightening his bowtie. "He's really gotta stop doing that."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Surprisingly, the stage is actually pretty normal the next day. The curtains are drawn, and there aren't any balloons or crazy noisemakers from Sina. They're all wondering how on earth Sina has time to make all of those things. While they're off killing titans, Sina's playing with paintball guns.
"Today you will be paired up," Pixis starts.
Jean perks up at this. Please let me be paired up with Mikasa, he prays. If he's paired up with Mikasa, first of all he has a chance to make a move on her, and second of all, he's safe from any sort of elimination.
"The challenge...A DANCE OFF!" The curtains part and confetti streams down on everyone. "During the event of a titan attack, you will face many aberrants. In order to fight them, it may require some creativity and improvisation. You and your partner will have one hour to prepare a dance, but as you face the other challengers, you may have to diverge from your original routine to effectively win. The judges - myself, Keith Shadis, and Rico Brzenska - will score you according to the difficulty and creativity of your dance."
Jean inwardly groans. Shadis is one of the judges? Talk about biased. He doesn't think even Mikasa could save him from losing.
The challenge is ridiculous. But hilarious for the people watching. Reiner and Sasha have pretty much lost it. Annie is just glad she was eliminated last round. But she will certainly enjoy Mikasa's pain.
"The partners!" Rico announces. "Connie and Ymir. Mikasa and Jean."
Under his breath, Eren curses. "That horse face is going to have too much fun with this."
"And finally, Armin and Bertholdt. Good luck. You have one hour."
"I can't believe this," Eren groans.
Before the camera stops rolling, Pixis turns to address the audience. "For this round, you have a chance to decide the fate of the contestants! Just take an electronic device and visit the Garrison website! Your votes, along with the scores of the judges will determine who wins, and who goes home!"
"How come the Survey Corps doesn't have a website?" Erwin asks.
"Why would we need a website?" Levi mutters snarkily. "What would we put on there? Profile pictures of dead titans?"
The online voting is Eren's chance to finally bring Jean down from his pedestal. Except for the fact that he is also paired up with Mikasa so if Eren votes against her that would make him a terrible brother.
But she doesn't even care about this dumb competition, he thinks. He's pretty sure that Armin and Bertholdt will do even worse though. Because Bertholdt has insane stage fright and Armin… can he even dance?
But man do they prove him wrong. The audience is blown away, cheering and clapping their hands to the beat. Armin does a little guitar solo, sliding down to his knees and jamming to the electric riffs. Bertholdt might be awkward on stage, with almost robotic movements at first, but soon enough, he loosens up and he makes up moves, even surprising Armin, because they didn't practice them.
Ymir and Connie are a brand all their own. Decked out in sunglasses and sparkles, they really bring on the Survey Corps FABULOUS. Naturally, Pixis gives them a perfect score. Even Shadis has to admit that "that weird bald kid has some moves".
Everyone is in anticipation for Mikasa and Jean's routine. Bertholdt has already given them all quite a surprise, so maybe Mikasa will too.
Jean thought that since Mikasa is so strong and flexible, they'd be able to do some complicated lifts. But Mikasa won't let him touch her. Not to mention she has the world's most impressive expression of contempt on her face. Jean… well he has some decent moves but he's not very musically inclined so he nds up extremely offbeat. Everyone still finds it extremely amusing, especially Levi, who will never ever let Mikasa forget this moment in time.
Obviously… Jean and Mikasa are kicked out. Eren anonymously signs onto multiple electronic devices and votes them off, to which Mikasa is eternally grateful.
Connie, Ymir, Armin, and Bertholdt each have their own new fan club though. So… everyone wins… for now.
Except Jean. He's the horse that never wins races.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"The long awaited semi-finals are today. All the remaining contestants have all proved their worth. After this day… only two will remain to battle for the title as Survey Corps Champion. This next challenge will evaluate your ability to lie and deceive," Pixis announces.
Ymir smirks. Deception and enigma is her specialty.
"You will be given an object. You have to give your partner clues as to what it is… except you could be lying, or you could be telling the truth. Your partner's job is to figure out which it is. If they guess correctly, they have a point, but if you lie successfully, you will earn the point. First two people to get to three points win."
"I think Ymir and Armin will win," Sasha muses. They're all in the mess hall again, curiously awaiting the events of this competition. "Bertholdt's too nervous for this kind of thing. And Connie's as obvious as they get."
"I bet Ymir won't win." Reiner smirks.
"Are you crazy? Betting against Ymir? She'll have your head," Jean mutters, shaking his head.
"Nah, she doesn't have to know. Whad'ya say, Sasha?"
"You're on!" Sasha grins. Taking up bets hasn't gotten her into too much trouble. Yet.
Armin goes first, against Connie. He's given what looks like a titan figurine made of clay. He has the advantage of going first, because Connie has no idea what kind of objects they'll be giving them.
"It reminds me of a voodoo doll," Armin explains. "It's made out of cloth, and it has a creepy smile on its face."
Connie thinks hard about this. Armin's putting thought and detail into his explanation, so that might mean he's lying. Of course, he doesn't know how good Armin is at lying, so he could also be telling the truth and putting in detail to throw him off.
"I think you're… telling the truth!"
"Nope," Armin replies, holding up the figurine so Connie can see. "It's actually a titan made of clay."
"Dang," Connie mutters. One point for Armin. Sasha is right in guessing that Connie would lose, because Armin cleverly outsmarts him by using reverse psychology because why not.
"U-um it's some gelatin substance with a smiley face drawn on it," Bertholdt stutters.
Ymir smirks and confidently declares it a lie, earning herself a point. It's actually a bouncy ball (where they're getting all these things, no one will ever know).
This trend continues until they're all tied up. Sasha groans because if she loses, she has to be Reiner's personal servant for the day.
Ymir yawns. Bertholdt is probably the easiest person to guess, so Sasha is still confident that she'll win. "It's...a tissue box," he says, still sweating nervously. "And it's got a generic crisscross design on the box."
"Ugh, another lame object?" Ymir grumbles. "I think you're telling the truth."
"Actually," Bertholdt says, holding up a sweat-soaked cravat in his hands. "I was lying."
"WHAT? NO!" Sasha shrieks, appalled. Reiner does a little victory dance.
"So…Braus," he starts. "The first thing you're going to do tomorrow is polish my boots, cook me breakfast, and take over my chores, yea?"
Sasha just flops down on the couch and groans.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
It's the final day. Both Armin and Bertholdt are wondering how the heck they made it to the final round.
Today, Pixis is wearing some crazy getup with bright colors and a funky hat. "Of course, being in the Survey Corps it's important to have good knowledge pertaining to many subjects. So, our final challenge will be trivia based. I will ask a question, and whoever pushes the button first will answer. The more difficult the question, the more points that will be awarded."
Eren rolls his eyes. "Well, no use betting on this one," he says to Sasha. "It's a no brainer who's going to win." Even if Pixis asked the most obscure and ridiculous questions, Armin would win, Eren thinks.
Bertholdt actually doesn't do too badly, but Armin is quite a bit ahead by the time they've reached the final question.
"For this last question, whoever answers correctly will earn double points. The question is this: Who is the colossal titan?"
Cue the floodwaters! They can't be asking this question! Bertholdt panics.
Armin tentatively pushes the button. He does have a lot of titan theories… he's one of the only people who actually listens when Hanji rants. "Well it's possible that he could be a titan shifter like Eren…"
Pixis shakes his head. "Good answer, Cadet Arlert, but I'm afraid that's not the answer we're looking for. Cadet Fubar? Would you like to try?"
"U-um," Bertholdt stutters. "I'm not sure… but obviously it's not Levi Heichou."
Pixis laughs, and after a couple minutes, he wipes the tears from his eyes and says, "That's a brilliant answer. I'll give it to you!"
And so Bertholdt wins, just barely scraping by with first place. Reiner and Annie are in shock. Levi's probably going to give Bertholdt laundry duty for the next month for that little comment he made.
"Captain Levi, congratulations on training such fine cadets. It's been a pleasure." Pixis smiles after the competition ends. "And keep the TV," he continues, walking away. "I'm sure you'll find a good use for it."
Levi curses under his breath. He doesn't need any more infernal technology in his life.
At least he doesn't know about the laptop...
Inspired by the second OVA. Because Pixis is a troll.
But at least they have a TV now...*cough*...