((SO YOU KNOW: The unitalicized paragraphs are the ones I wrote, and the italicized paragraphs are the ones that Michi wrote. :3))
Dear EVERYONE,
Last week, we had a rat infestation at headquarters. There were swarms of them. Everywhere. All the time. And they stormed into the kitchen one evening and raided it. L was so pissed, he started squishing them with his bare feet, but there were just too many of them. Eventually, they carried L off with them.
Well, being the utter fool I am, I decided to first eat an entire watermelon, all the rat poison, some baking soda, vinegar, soda, and dead rats. Once my anus had stopped bleeding , I dug a hole in the baseboards and vowed to rescue L.
Unfortunately, L had already been devoured by the rats. So I joined the furry rodents and ate his bones. They tasted like cupcakes. Which reminded me that I had buried treasure in the baseboards.
So then, because I had time to kill and nothing better to do, I took a train to New Hampshire. Then, when I had arrived, I found a man in a bowler hat, choked him, and left.
From New Hampshire, I sailed to Cuba, where I bought a large box of Cuban cigars. All of which I shoved up random people's asses. Until I was stopped by Leonardo the Gang-banger, bringer of justice to the streets. I learned some very interesting lessons from him about butt pirates.
After I had thoroughly and repeatedly learnt my lesson about butt pirates, I exchanged my pants for a pig, which I then shoved up some random man's ass. Then I stole his car, and drove home.
When I got home, I noticed a large box sitting on the doorstep. As I opened it, I thought it might be the large supply of mustard I ordered. Except it was Ryuk. Naked. And covered in whipped cream. I screamed bloody murder and lit the box-- and Ryuk-- on fire.
Ignoring my house burning down around me, I decided to take a little nap under the kitchen sink like I normally do on Thursdays. Then realized that it was pointless because it was Wednesday. So I went out back and began playing fetch with myself.
However, it was midnight while I did this, so the Midnight Lurker came and took my fetching stick away. That bitch. So instead, to entertain myself, I threw lit cigarettes at random passer-bys.
But there were none, because it was midnight, so I was forced to rape a wagon I found on the street. Just to entertain myself, you see. Then I was pretty bored, so I broke into my neighbor's house and hid inside their dishwasher. Which unfortunately was on.
When the dishwasher turned off, I fell asleep. My neighbors found me in the morning, screamed, and called the cops. Lucky for me, I had an explosive diarrhea incident that blew out all the windows and distracted everyone long enough to get away.
As I was running down the street stark naked, covered in my own feces, it occurred to me that I had forgotten to feed the fish. So I ran right home to attend to them. They looked kind of depressed, so I poured some brandy, vodka, gin, green elixer, and a martini into the tank.
Of course, it wasn't until after I wasted all my precious liquor, that I realized the fish were dead because of the house fire. So I shoved the tank down my pants to enlarge my manly bulge, and strutted my way to the mall.
Then I bought some extra-large pants for my now-extra-large manly bulge. As I walked around the mall, I got many unusual looks. Then a gangsta walked up, sliced my pants open, and my fishtank was exposed to the world, so I screeched like a girl, and ran into the nearest lingerie store.
Unfortunately, when I got into the lingerie store, I started my period. Violently. So I galloped into the nearest bathroom to find a tampon. But then I realized it couldn't have been period, because I was bleeding from my anus. My hernia must have exploded.
So I shoved an entire roll of toilet paper up my ass and returned to the lingerie store, where I bought a corset, some garters, a sexy bra and thong set, and some perfume. Then I put it all on in place of the massive trousers and paraded around the mall.
As I paraded around, I came across one of those Santa-booth things. I went up to each elf, hit on them, and gave them my number. Of course, it wasn't really my number. Then I gave Santa one of my famous XXX-rated lap dances. Then he grabbed my ass, so I stabbed him in the eye with my stilletos and ran for it.
I decided that staying in the mall would only cause me pain and suffering, so I decided to wander the streets dressed in a moth-eaten tiger costume. But then I was gang-raped by a troupe of travelling midgets. Then I went to a planned pregnancy place-thing. And they informed me that I could not, in fact, get pregnant.
Disappointed, I slumped off to a grad party. There, people were freaking, having sex, doing drugs, the usual. It reminded me of home, so I stripped again, crawled into the bathroom (where some unfortunate teen was having a hangover), and filled the bathtub with live squid and left. Without my clothes.
As I ran down the street stark naked, covered in my own feces for the second time that night, I tripped and fell into a man hole in the street. And then I was in the village of the mole people.
When I encountered the mole people, they immediately accepted me as their almighty leader. So I lit them on fire and played in the sewer.
Once I had climbed out of the sewer, I committed arson eight times. Then I fled to Mexico so I wouldn't be arrested and locked in a room with a big sweaty man who would sex me up anally 12 times a day and tie me up and do all manner of kinky things to me.
Then I thought about it, and turned myself in.
Unfortunately for me, I wasn't locked in a cell with a big sweaty man, but a tiny leetle man with large eyes and probably nothing bigger than a worm in his pants. I was so disappointed, I left.
Back on the streets once more, I lit every strand of hair on my body on fire, and rampaged random people on the street. Then I mercilessly tormented a flower until it cried.
As I laughed at the stupid crying flower, it ran off to get its mommy. This only made me laugh harder. Until the mommy flower came up and ate me. She was a venus fly trap. So while I was being digested, I had the strong urge to rape stuff.
But luckily the venus fly trap had a dildo in its lower intestine, so I raped it. After I was digested, I covered myself in whipped cream with strategically placed cherries, and lay in the middle of the road. Then I was hit by a car. And died. Then I made a ham sammich.
Have you ever had the urge to rape a ham sammich? I do all the time.
After I made and raped my sammich, I went to a golf course and disrupted the peace every time someone tried to tee off. Then I crapped in all the holes.
After I had been gang-raped by every golfer, I used a skillet and the spicy hot power of Alex/Izzie to fry a fish. Which I covered in sand and shoved up some golfer's ass.
When my fish didn't turn out, I seeked advice from the almighty fish cooker: Salad Fingers. Of course, that didn't end well, because he locked me in his oven and tried to sample my texture. So I peed on him and ran away.
Then I encountered the Fish Monger, who just pwns everything, pretty much. Then it occurred to me that I was late to my part-time job as a bowl of raisins on Oprah. So I quickly skedadled.
Lucky for me, Oprah was very forgiving about my being late, and only gave me 40 lashings this time. But I forgot to be a bowl of raisins during the show, and crawled around under everyone's seats. I stole all their car keys.
I distributed all the keys to the midgets, golfers, and gangstas in the world, and decided I had done my good deed for the decade. So I stole $18 million from the Canadian government and used it all on porn, male strippers, and L wigs for the strippers.

3 Light