Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

A/N: This is fairly long which is why I only read through it once so it might not be as error-free as it usually is. Also, for some reason I can't un-italic an early section of the chapter which is really weird so if a sentence isn't inner monologue but is in italics then that's the bit I mean.

R&R please and thank you :)


"Mom there's no more milk!"

Serena came into their space-age looking kitchen with her empty coffee cup as her daughter sat disappointedly at the counter with cereal and a spoon.

"I'll get some more when I'm out."

Lydia sighed loudly.

"Who used it up?"

"Your father I think."

"Dad!"

Lydia shouted in frustration at her father who happened to be on the train to work.

"Just make some toast hun it wont kill you."

"I want cereal though!"

She knew she was acting like a petulant child but she hadn't been up this early in a long time. Leanne had convinced her to go jogging with her while the streets weren't too crowded, when agreeing she had forgotten that it meant functioning at an alien hour. Besides, when were New York streets ever not busy? Obviously, she was not a morning person.

"Well go buy yourself some more milk."

Her mother was always so annoyingly patient.

"In my pyjamas?"

Serena rolled her eyes.

"You really are useless before 10 o'clock."

"Wow way to raise my self esteem mother."

"Please just be quiet or I'll have to swat you with the paper."

Almost always annoyingly patient.

Lydia laughed half-heartedly at herself.

"Fine I'll go get the stupid milk."

She got her purse and left the house. How she forgot to put clothes on baffled her but she put it down to the distinct lack of caffeine in her system and the distracting rumbling of her stomach.

"Crap!"

She was half way to the corner store when she realised her bright pink nightwear was attracting some odd looks. She shrugged, there was no way she was going back to change and further delay the milk mission. How many people could seriously be around at eight on a Sunday?

Apparently half of the upper east side.

"Lydia darling!"

Three of her mother's 'friends' were in the store in fashionable running gear with matching label bags. Apparently jogging was a popular past time for those up before noon. They were still running on the spot while waiting in line to buy their water bottles when they spotted her.

"Oh hi."

She couldn't remember any of their names, her brain was still a fog so she just smiled sweetly at them knowing they'd do all the talking.

"What are you still doing dressed like that?"

Mrs-brunette-big-hair was staring down at her in patronising amusement. Lydia pulled at her pyjama top self-consciously.

"No milk."

The fewer syllables the better, less effort and hopefully a good hint she wanted to be left to blush to death in peace.

"But sweetheart even milk calls for at least casual dress."

Was there a rule somewhere she had missed? She had never taken etiquette classes so she had no clue. Either way she was pretty sure old pyjamas were as casual as it came.

"I'm, uh, running to a clock."

I.e if I don't get my freaking milk in the next few minutes I'll pull out all your expensive hair extensions for holding me up.

The brunette's face lit up and Lydia could manage only a weak smile despite her mental ramblings.

"So are we! Running is so exhilarating, you really must get your mother to join us, not that she needs to lose any weight the lucky thing. I see you have her genes. My little girl Marie is so chubby, I'm trying to get her on a diet and maybe some liposuction but six year olds can be so stubborn!"

All her friends tittered in agreement but all Lydia could do was smile again, not sure how to reply to such madness. They all cooed over her for a minute longer before they had to pay and she was free to escape to the fridge.

"Darling how are you today?"

She turned around to find Seb leaning casually against one of the fridges with a cheeky smile.

"How long have you been listening?"

"Not long, I just saw a flash of bright pink and you had my attention."

"I'm surprised to see you here, I thought you'd be nursing a hangover."

Seb ran a hand through his dark messy hair and smirked.

"That's my genetic gift, I have superhuman recovery speeds from alcohol thanks to both my mother and father. You should have come last night."

Lydia had blown off a party at Amber's for a night in with a book, she had neglected her favourite past time in exchange for certain other activities with Bass but she was determined to catch up. Plus she knew Amber wouldn't have been overjoyed to see her there anyway.

"I'm going running this morning so it wasn't a good idea."

Seb tried to suppress an unconvinced grin. Lydia voluntarily running in the morning could only be the result of some sort of stroke or lobotomy.

"That would explain you up and about even if you are zombified."

She tried to slap at him playfully but he was too quick for her and it only earned her a soft laugh. Since when was he up anyway? All the mornings they had spent together they were curled around each other until noon and suddenly she disappears for a day and he's looking irritatingly refreshed and fully functional. It wasn't fair.

"The whole running thing Lyd, you do realise it will be hell on earth? The only exercise you get is from me-"

He bent in and kissed her neck suggestively sending pleasant shivers down her spine.

"- and even so, the whole work out you've got planned will kill you."

"Stop being so annoying, just stand and look pretty."

They both smiled stupidly at each other as he took the milk from her to carry to the counter. Lydia felt herself flushing again in the line as more familiar faces from around the neighbourhood entered the shop.

The place must do a roaring trade.

"So why haven't you asked about the pyjamas?"

"What about them? You've had them since you were like ten, I'm surprised they still fit."

Lydia laughed.

"It's creepy that you know that."

"If you weren't so half asleep and cute looking I'd be insulted that you called your wonderful boyfriend 'creepy'. Can't we call it 'overly observant'?"

"Only if you let me lean on you."

"Done."

She swayed into him and stayed there while she yawned loudly. He smelt so good, she was practically conditioned to fall asleep to the smell of his Armani these days.

"Take me home to bed. Lydia no run today."

Seb smiled sympathetically down at her.

"Sorry shorty no can do. I can however take you out to lunch later."

Lydia stiffened under his grasp which confused him.

"Thanks but no, I'm seeing Leanne later."

"Obviously, I mean after the torturous exercise."

"But then we're doing stuff."

"Stuff?"

"mmm."

Her face was beginning to redden with what Seb recognised as guilt. He felt uncomfortably out of the loop.

"Okay well just call me later."

"Seb?"

"Shorty?"

"I love you."

Seb smiled but it didn't last, she was trying to sooth wounded feelings more than anything else.

"Back at you."

He kissed the back of her head as he left the store and she paid. She hated lying to him but she didn't think he'd understand if he knew.

Finally she paid for her milk but when she turned around she came face to face with Nate who had just entered the store. She immediately lost her appetite.

"Oh Lydia."

He didn't look too good, it was obvious he hadn't shaved in days and his hair was a mess. He still looked undeniably sexy but she pushed the observation to the back of her mind.

"Nate."

She felt her face begin to heat up for the hundredth time, he shifted awkwardly, obviously a little flustered too. If only she had chosen the toast.

"So Lyd, how are things?"

"Fine, you?"

"Yeah pretty good, so you and Seb are together I hear?"

He gave her a crooked smile but his eyes were serious.

"It's not really any of your business Nate."

He stared down at his shoes and she felt guilty. It's not like what she said was wrong but no matter who it was, she always hated making people feel bad. Plus, being staunch was easier when you weren't a beetroot.

"You're right I just- I was thinking of coming to talk with you."

Lydia refrained from rolling her eyes, it was too early for this but for some reason she felt sorry for him.

"Do you want to walk me home?"

Nate's face lit up and she felt a bit better.

"Sure, I wouldn't want you kidnapped by some pervert with a fetish for flannel nightwear."

Lydia couldn't help but smile slightly.

"I was waiting for you to say something."

They both walked out of the shop into the crisp air, Nate had obviously abandoned any of the plans that directed him into the shop in the first place.

"I'm sorry I mentioned you and Seb."

"It's okay."

"I think it's great, I always knew you'd get together eventually."

He didn't sound too enthused about it but he was making the effort.

"Yeah you and apparently everyone we've ever met."

"Conforming to family wishes, I guess it's not exactly the teenage rebellion most people expect."

"I had my teenage rebellion after you dumped me and I can't say I ever enjoyed it."

She mentally scolded herself for revealing so much. Why were they suddenly acting like friends? She wished she wasn't always so scared of confrontation. Nate visibly blanched beside her at her words.

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't sweat it. It's water under the bridge."

"That's what I wanted to say, I wanted to see if you maybe wanted to hang out again?"

"What?"

"I mean as friends, like before, we had a lot of fun didn't we?"

"Nate don't you have friends your own age you can entertain?"

"Ouch."

She couldn't decide if he really was that lonely or he was just trying to make himself feel better about everything.

"Sorry but c'mon you really think I want to see you casually after what happened between us? Not to mention Seb would probably kill you if he found out you were even asking."

Nate sighed.

"You're right. I've fucked up everything, I'm just trying to get it together somehow but this is the wrong way. I just don't want you to hate me anymore."

"I don't Nate, I honestly don't."

Nate smiled genuinely for the first time that morning.

"Good. Think you could convince Seb to forgive and forget too? I miss talking to him."

"You'd have to ask him yourself, me defending your case is in no way going to help anything trust me."

"I have tried and tried, I've called him, dropped by his house, I've stalked him to a clothes store like a lunatic but he wont listen. He just threatens that he'll tell everyone about us if I don't quit it."

"He wont say anything it's just a bluff but you can't push him, Nate you knew there would be consequences when you started- what you did."

Nate groaned.

"There wouldn't have been any if you hadn't told him."

Lydia whipped around to glare at him.

"Excuse me? You break my heart and you think you deserve a free pass? I can tell whoever I like whatever I like Nate, Seb is everything to me which is why I wanted him to know everything."

"I just thought losing you was punishment enough but you're right I'm a jerk."

Lydia ran a hand through her messy hair, was he seriously this immature? No wonder he was still single and thankfully without children.

"This was never about me Nate, I've finally realised that."

"What?"

"This was about my mother, everything you've ever done with me was somehow connected to you pining pathetically after my mom."

"Lydia-"

"For once Nate be a man and just tell me the fucking truth."

Lydia could really be a force to be reckoned with despite looking as surprised at herself as Nate. He sighed heavily, what the hell.

"I think it was about Serena at first and it certainly was at the end but in between I genuinely cared about you. That's the truth."

Lydia nodded.

"I can walk the rest of the way myself Nate."

"Sure."

Nate stopped walking so she could walk on ahead of him. He had never felt like such a failure, even all those years of disappointing his father, he had never felt so empty when he looked into Lydia's pale, disapproving eyes.

"How is he doing today?"

Nurse Petra smiled at the visitor, Hugo only had two so it wasn't hard to remember her name.

"Much the same as last week Lydia."

Lydia smiled pleasantly at the older woman taking his blood pressure, she hadn't expected any miracles as there had been no change for the last few weeks. No steps towards recovery, no sliding down into the grave either.

"Do you want me to put the flowers in a vase for you?"

"Thanks Petra."

She sat silently beside the comatose young man, it used to be awkward watching over him when she barely knew him, when if he was awake he'd probably tell her to get lost. It didn't matter though, she couldn't change the past but she could make the effort now.

"So Hugo, here we are again. I didn't bring a book this time after I found out from Mr. Miller you liked gothic horror novels as opposed to my historical romances. I didn't want to inflict any further suffering on you when you aren't in a position to protest."

She smiled to herself, wondering if Hugo would smile if he could. It was odd trying to befriend someone she knew next to nothing about, especially when they didn't talk back but she liked a challenge.

"Your brother told me you were good at soccer. My boyfriend used to play when he was little but he broke his nose in a horrific tackle when he was eleven and his mom forbid him from any sports after that. I think the only thing he could try was golf with his dad but it bored the shit out of him. He never had any patience!"

Lydia stopped herself when she realised Hugo hated this certain boyfriend, enough to shoot him. She should probably change the topic or he might give up on life just to shut up her gushing.

"Anyway I wont be able to come next week, I'm going to Las Vegas. It's very spoilt and frivolous of me I know, you'd hate it but after what you put me through I think it's only fair I get some proper R&R. I'll bring you back a T-shirt if I hear your brain activity has increased, great incentive right? Yeah I bet you're rolling your eyes under there. Either way you are driving your poor brother crazy with your stubbornness so do it for him."

She swore she could see Hugo's hand twitch but he didn't open his eyes and no bleepy thing went off so she ignored it. Every week she thought she saw something that pointed to recovery and every time he remained still.

Duncan, Hugo's older brother entered the room.

"Hey Lydia, I forgot you were coming."

"I come every Tuesday you know that."

"Yeah I mean you said you'd come every Tuesday, I didn't think you'd actually do it."

Lydia frowned as Duncan fumbled for an explanation.

"I mean he didn't have many friends, especially not ones like you and after what he did to your boyfriend I just thought-"

"It's okay I understand. So how are things?"

"Well reporters have finally stopped harassing me and people don't look at me like I'm the sibling of Satan so much now so I guess things are good."

Lydia smiled sympathetically.

"Give it time and people will forget all about it."

"A shooting at the most prestigious private school in New York? I somehow doubt it."

"I'm sorry. So how's work?"

She tried to change the subject but nothing seemed to bring any good news.

"I'm not fired yet which is a plus although I don't know where I'd go after being laid off from a fast food restaurant!"

"It's because you take time off to see your brother, if they fire you for that then my father will totally sue them into the next century. Besides I offered to help with the medical bills, I have some money saved."

"I know your intentions are good but I don't need your charity."

"It's not-"

"Why are you even bothering? Is it to alleviate guilt? You didn't do anything wrong so don't feel obligated to come here."

"I don't, I just I can't explain it. When I looked at Hugo during the whole ordeal I saw a how scared he was. I know what that feels like to feel no one will ever understand you. Most kids do.

School is supposed to be the place you spend your happiest years and we should have all looked out for each other, if we did this couldn't have happened. A lot of what he said about me was true and I've tried to become a better person because of it. So I guess I feel a little guilty but I just want to show Hugo, even in situations like these it's never to late to change or to learn."

Duncan shook his head but he was smiling.

"You really are something."

"I'm not, trust me."

"Does Sebastian Bass know you come here?"

The gnawing feeling of guilt returned.

"No, no one does. If I tell people it will cheapen it, they'll say I just did it for the attention."

"Good point."

"Well I should go, you guys need your time together."

"I'll walk you out."

As Lydia would find out, anything you try to hide or do in secret when you are a Humphrey doesn't last long.

This just in readers. A certain princess of the upper east side seen outside the hospital with a mystery older guy getting planted with an affectionate kiss and embrace. Why the hospital trip? Only L knows (for now). Where is our beloved former bad boy S? His absence is the juiciest part of this little titbit. Thanks to our anonymous tipper for the photo.

You know you love me.

xoxo

Gossip girl.

"Addy?"

Seb's sister was upstairs painting when he found her.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to hang out? Since Lydia is busy with Leanne I thought we could catch up."

Jealously stabbed at Adele and made her want to cry, she was always second choice. Lydia was a horrible person who didn't deserve his love.

"What did you want to do?"

"Whatever, we could go to the park or bum around watching MTV like you love."

"Okay as long as Lydia isn't coming."

Seb frowned in confusion, since when did Adele not want to suck up to Lydia?"

"She isn't. So what's it to be?"

"MTV."

Seb sighed, kids these days.

"So why didn't you want to see Lydia?"

He passed her the bowl of popcorn as she lay sprawled across the couch, Seb could barely fit on the end and even then he had to have her legs across his lap. She was remarkably tall and lanky for her age, he tickled her feet when she didn't hear his question. So engrossed in my super sweet sixteen as she was.

"Huh?"

"Lydia, why is she suddenly out of favour?"

"No reason, I just don't think you should be with her anymore."

Seb laughed slightly.

"Oh okay then with that pearl of wisdom I'll end something I've wanted since I was your age."

"She's not a good girl."

"Why's that?"

He had no idea where this was coming from, he knew she sometimes got jealous that she got less attention from him since he and Lydia got together but this was different.

"I saw her on gossip girl."

Seb narrowed his eyes.

"I've told you I don't want you reading that shit, you are way too young and it's a malicious site run by anonymous losers bored with their own lives. Whatever it said about Lydia just ignore it."

Reading gossip girl was appealing to Adele for several reasons a) everyone else she knew was obsessed with it except Seb b) it was always about people she knew c) she found out stuff about her brother she'd never know otherwise. In the case of today also stuff about his girlfriend he'd never know.

"But there are photos!"

Seb groaned.

"Fine let's see what it's about and I'll set you straight."

He retrieved his laptop from the kitchen. It was irritating having to prove to his sister Lydia was a decent person, after Addy had known Lydia since birth. Now one gossip girl article had squashed years of friendship.

"See!"

Seb felt his stomach drop when he saw a cell phone photo of Lydia kissing a goofy looking guy on the cheek when she was supposed to be with Leanne. Her weird behaviour that morning (pyjamas notwithstanding) seemed to fit now, she was obviously lying to him. He kept his face impassive though.

"So what? That's a friend, she's allowed to kiss him on the cheek."

Adele frowned in confusion.

"But in the blog-"

"Ignore the fucking blog okay?"

Adele was shocked at being shouted at let alone that it included the worst naughty word and she felt a lump rising in her throat. Seb's eyes softened when he saw her shocked expression and he stroked her hair, she had that pouty look that was a warning of impending tears.

"Sorry Addy, I just mean that you should know Lydia wouldn't hurt anyone. Give her a chance to explain before you start a smear campaign against her."

"Okay."

Seb wrapped his arm around her and kissed her on her top of her head.

"Thanks for looking out for me though."

"That's what sisters are for."

Seb grinned, she was already growing up faster than he wanted but he wasn't worried when she was the most moralistic and protective person he knew.

They watched the rest of the TV program in silence, Seb was angry at Lydia for not telling him the truth but he wanted to protect Addy from his problems. He didn't want her disillusioned with someone she looked up to at so young an age. That was what adolescence was for.

"Hey B."

Blair was still in her nightgown when Nate arrived at her door, it was a weekday but she had gone back to bed after getting Adele to school. It wasn't like her but if quitting her job didn't have the perk of a sleep in what did?

"Oh Nate hi, come in."

"Sorry to just barge in without a call."

"It's okay, family don't need a formal warning."

Nate gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks."

"So what's up?"

"I just wanted to chat. We've been friends for a long time."

Was he drunk? She was sure she could smell scotch coming from somewhere so she replied cautiously. The last time they had been alone drunk together he had lamented that if he'd never treated her like crap when they were younger they'd be the perfect couple now and his life would be flawless. Basically he spouted bullshit.

"Yes we have been."

"You and Chuck have been so good to me, better than I deserve."

Blair motioned for him to sit in an armchair, it repulsed her that someone could be drinking such high percentage alcohol before lunch but he was recently divorced so she forgave him everything. She was his best friend not his mother after all."That's not true Nate. We've all fucked up over the years, I couldn't judge anyone after what I've done in the past."

"I've fucked up more than most."

"Is this what you want to chat about? You wanted to have a Nate- Archibald-this-is-your-life-of-screw-ups moment?"

There was a tense silence before Nate suddenly blurted out what had been poisoning his life for months.

"I slept with Lydia B, more than once. A lot actually. It was the best month of my life and I've tortured myself over it since. I wanted you to know because I love you and need you to understand. I need someone to understand."

He was slurring his words and making exaggerated hand movements, Blair's first instinct was to believe him to be making a sick joke. She was ready to ignore it but the remorseful, serious look in his eyes told her it was no laughing matter, in fact Blair wanted to be sick.

"Nate-"

She had no words, she had never felt so angry and disgusted at anyone in her life. For someone who should know better, Archibald always seemed to step headfirst into train wreck after train wreck.

"I know I'm a dickhead."

Blair was close to tears, she could feel the respect and affection she had for her oldest friend drifting out of her, only leaving a cold hollow of where it once used to be. For curiosity sake she had to ask for more details, hopefully something in his story might redeem him somewhat. She wanted to practically drop to the ground and beg him for a reason for her to not hate him but she remained standing rigidly over him.

"Tell me everything that happened, no sugar coating it. Except the physical stuff, I don't want to know anything about that."

It was an effort for her to speak so cordially to him without wanting to slap him silly. She could abuse him after he was finished. She couldn't think of Serena or Dan or Lydia. God Lydia! The silly girl.

Nate rambled on for ten minutes relaying all the sordid details, at least he was honest in his mistreatment of her and didn't try to justify his actions like she thought he would. It was also while they were both single so he hadn't betrayed her son completely.

"Nate how could you? After everything!"

"I wasn't thinking. God I feel so guilty."

"So you fucking should! I'm so ashamed I can't look at you! Why did you have to tell me? Now I have to not only keep it from my best friend but I have to live in silence knowing what I do!"

"You can tell Serena if you feel you should, I just want to make things right."

Blair rolled her eyes, it was always like him for it to be too little too late.

"Of course I can't tell her! I don't know how I'd ever approach the subject, it would hurt everyone. It's over and done with, there can be nothing gained from revealing it."

Nate's shoulders relaxed somewhat but Blair was as stiff as a board.

"Nate I don't want to see you near Lydia again, if I even catch you in the same room with her or talking to her I will make your life a misery. No wonder my son acts like you are evil incarnate, I thought it was just a phase but suddenly he seems entirely justified!"

"I know. I understand."

"I don't think you ever understand anything, it's like you're still sixteen stuck in an adult's body. Seb has more maturity than you do, I'm proud he hasn't tried to beat you to death yet."

"I've tried to make it up to him."

"Don't you get it? You are forever damned in his eyes, he couldn't respect you or look up to you like he used to now. You don't deserve it either. Nate I want you to leave and not contact us again."

Blair felt tears running down her face but her voice was like ice, eventually her anger would simmer and she'd mourn the death of their friendship but not right now.

"What?"

Nate was staring at her in drunken perplexity.

"You heard me. Did you think after fucking up your life and hurting Lydia I'd let you have any influence or further presence in my family? I still love you Nate, unfortunately that will never change but I hate at the moment. If you're smart you'll absent yourself from us all and hope that one day I'll forgive you."

Nate nodded, his eyes were teary but she couldn't tell if it was from genuine remorse or intoxication, maybe both.

"Okay. I really am sorry B."

Blair sighed, she felt old.

"I believe you. Goodbye Nate."