Chapter Eleven: Trees in the Background

Kakashi stared at the blue-skinned man. Ok, the odds got worse, but they're still pretty good. Zabuza, Itachi, and I should be more than capable of handling one S-Ranker.

"Really, Hoshigaki?" said a feminine voice. "You just love making an entrance." Following Kisame was a beautiful, busty woman who wouldn't look out of place on the cover of Icha Icha. A woman with a Kiri hitai-ate and long red hair.

A woman who was named Terumi Mei. Who would be the future (past?) Mizukage, who had two insanely powerful bloodlines, and… who was smiling at Naruto?

"Naruto! I didn't expect to see you here!" she exclaimed. "How have you been?"

What?

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved enthusiastically at the Kiri woman. "I'm good! I'm still working on the Uzumaki Secret Art of Ramen #12." He gave a loud groan. "It's really hard, ya know?"

What.

"Of course it's really hard!" Mei gave a sniff. "Did you expect our secret arts to be easy? But really, you should convince your dad to send you over sometimes!" She brightened. "I can teach you more Uzumaki tricks, and I always love hanging out with my nephew!"

You have got to be kidding me. Kakashi stared in horror as Mei and Naruto… engaged in small talk.

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!" Then, Naruto sagged with disappointment. "But my dad won't ever listen. He always says that 'sending my only child into a hostile country ruled by a maniac is patently stupid,' even though it's obviously not!"

Mei made a fist, and her eyes flashed in a way that reminded Kakashi of Kushina's. "I'll convince him otherwise. You better believe it!" Mei's mouth dropped open as some sort of realization struck. Kakashi immediately became very, very nervous. Whenever Kushina got that expression, someone ended up a gibbering mess. "I know! I'll just become the Mizukage, and then Minato will have to let you visit!"

Everyone stared at the now-exuberant woman.

"Uh…" said Kisame, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "You do realize that saying that is treason, right?"

"Treason, shm'eason. The only treasoning I know is ramen seasoning!"

"That's not…" began Kakashi weakly. "That's no…"

"But first thing's first!" Completely ignoring Kakashi, she pointed a finger at the Konoha ninja plus Zabuza and Haku. "Surrender or die! Except for you, Naruto, but that's besides the point!"

"Sorry, auntie." Naruto made the handsign for shadow clones. "I love you, but I can't let you maim my friends."

"I understand. No hard feelings!" Mei began her own handsigns, calling up a thick mist.

At the same time as the family reunion, the two swordsmen of the mist were having a conversation of their own.

"Prepare to meet your end, Hoshigaki!" Zabuza pulled out his giant cleaver. "Let's fight, swordsman to swordsman. Who's the strongest? Which one emerged from the mist that shrouds—"

"You're so fucking dramatic," groaned Kisame. "I never liked you, anyway. For someone known for silent killing, you just won't shut up." He smiled, displaying rows of sharp teeth. "Your death will be slow."

"Alright, kiddos." Kakashi clapped his hands to get the attention of his adorable team. "You take care of the jutsu fodder—I mean, the genin and chunin."

"Yes, sensei!" said Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto, all in perfect sync. They immediately sprung into action, tearing after the first terrified Kiri genin they saw.

"I will protect Team 7." Itachi's tone brooked no argument. "See if you can handle the Uzumaki woman." With a disdainful backwards glance, the elder Uchiha vanished.

What is with Itachi? Kakashi scowled. One minute, we're commiserating the pains of this world, and the next minute, she insults me and disappears!

"Relationship issues, huh?" said a voice from behind him. Kakashi spun around and blocked Mei's downward kick. "That's rough."

Kakashi coated his hands with lightning, filling the air with the thick crackle of ozone. Mei leaped back, crouching to avoid the stray sparks.

"No, nothing like that." He winked, or rather, blinked, considering that only one eye was visible. "I'm still very single. Are you interested?"

Mei giggled as she vanished back into the mist. "Ooh, bold. I like that." A plume of lava erupted from his left. Kakashi could feel the heat on his cheek as he sidestepped her attack. "But are you hot enough to handle me?"

He raced through a few handsigns, using his get-rid-of-the-mist wind jutsu. "I can definitely cool you down."

The mist dispersed, leaving a very amused red-head. "I'm a little kinky, though." To Kakashi's shock, golden chains shot out of her back and wrapped around his arms. "You don't mind being tied down, do you?" Mei opened her mouth, and acidic steam curled slowly towards him.

What the fuck. Mei actually is an Uzumaki. And she has three bloodlines? That's just unfair.

"Don't worry, babe." Kakashi grabbed the chains and used them to conduct a jolt of electricity. "You'll find that I can be quite… shocking."

In a smooth movement, Kakashi managed to twist out of the chains and raise his headband. Obito's sharingan spun faster as it tracked Mei's movements. He glanced to the left, noting that Itachi and Team 7 had finished off nearly all the weaker Kiri ninja. However, Itachi didn't seem very happy about her success. In fact, she was glaring at Kakashi.

Huh. I wonder what happened. Hopefully, no one got hurt…

"Oh, how nice." Mei gave a wicked smile. "Show me what you've got, White Hound."

Hell yes. That's a cool name. Kakashi returned the grin. "My pleasure."

In the meantime, the two swordsman of the mist were having their little showdown.

"This is nothing!" panted Zabuza, narrowly blocking Kisame's sword. "Is this all you've got?"

"Pathetic." Kisame summoned two water clones. "You've never been good, but your skills have gotten worse." With a swing of Samehada, Kisame forced Zabuza back. His two clones took advantage of Zabuza's misstep, swinging their own swords down—

Itachi flickered in front of Zabuza, defeating the clones and counterattacking with blast of flames. Kisame deflected the fire with Samehada, much to the sword's displeasure.

"That's unexpected." Kisame raised his eyebrows. "Why's a pretty lady like you fighting for a man like this?"

Itachi reappeared behind Kisame, and he narrowly dodged her kick. Kisame swung Samehada around deflecting the wave of kunai. A few exploded against the sword, temporarily shrouding Kisame in smoke that smelled of iron and ashes. Itachi's eyes spun faster.

"Nice illusion," said Kisame, dispersing the smoke with a few swings of his sword. "I almost believed it." He summoned an enormous wave of water, but it crashed just to the left of Itachi. She counterattacked with a quick bout of taijutsu before leaping back. With a combined shuriken-ninjutsu attack, she blocked Kisame's path

Samehada gave a displeased screech at the fire-enhanced shuriken that struck against him. One burning chunk metal slipped from his guard and lodged into Kisame's shoulder. The blue man shook his head as he dodged the second wave of attacks.

"Damn. Layered genjutsu! I should've known." He gave her a look of admiration as he yanked out the weapon. Casually, he tossed the bloody shuriken behind him. Then, he flared his chakra brightly enough to blind the average sensor. "You're good. Real good."

Zabuza took the chance to rejoin the battle. "I'm not out for the count!" he snarled, leaping forward with his giant meat cleaver.

Kisame slammed his sword against the other man's skull. "Yes, you are."

Zabuza crumpled to the ground.

A heart-rending scream echoed through the trees. "Zabuza-sama!" The chuunin fighting against Haku froze instantly, crackling sheets of ice piercing them through. "Zabuza-sama!"

Kisame stopped. He glanced at the impassive Itachi. Besides Mei, who was still occupied by Kakashi, Kisame had no teammates left.

"Well, pretty lady," said Kisame, barring his teeth in a smile. "I think it's time for me to go. We'll meet again. I'll make sure of it."

An enormous jelly-fish flopped out of the waves. Kisame back-flipped onto it, water droplets swirling around him like sparkles. "Retreat!" he snarled. With that parting greeting, he and his summon disappeared into the water.

While other ninja were better at dramatic entrances, no one could beat Kisame at dramatic exits.

Kakashi paused in his match with Mei. "Shit." Is Zabuza dead? He blinked as a giant jellyfish appeared out of nowhere. What. Is that… a jellyfish?

The neon-pink jellyfish waved around its tentacles, sparkling brightly in the water. Even more weirdly, Kisame was riding on its back. After twirling elegantly, both disappeared back into the water.

"But… that makes no sense," said Kakashi helplessly. "Kisame's a shark. He looks like a shark. His name literally means demon shark. How the fuck does he have a pink jellyfish summon?"

Mei pursed her lips before sending a gout of lava that almost took off his head. "Aw, honey. I'm a jealous woman. You have to give me all your attention!"

"Why? Do you feel threatened by other women?" he snarked back. "Or giant jellyfish? Wow, you're kinkier than I thought."

Mei's eye twitched.

Uh… I might have pushed it too far.

"Not at all." Her mouth twisted into a snarl. "But you should feel threatened by me!"

Kakashi created an earthen wall to black the dual acid-lava attack. Unfortunately, the wall didn't last long. Kakashi threw himself to the side, springing into a handstand before righting himself. He laughed nervously. "Aren't you taking this a bit too seriously?"

"It's a life-and-death battle, you idiot!" she screeched. "Of course I'm taking this seriously!"

He made another earthen wall that lasted a few seconds at most. "Well…" Kakashi tried to think of something witty to say. Thankfully, he was spared from the awkward silence by the arrival of Naruto and co.

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved while sprinting towards his fellow Uzumaki. His teammates were close behind. Sakura and Sasuke each carried seven or so unconscious ninja. "Guess what! Guess what!"

"What?" said Mei cheerfully. The slight tensing of her fists betrayed her casual nature.

Well, she should be afraid. Her teammates are either gone or dead, and she's surrounded by hostiles.

"I caught my first S-rank ninja!"

Mei beamed. "Really, Naruto? Who?"

He gave a mischievous grin. "You!"

Itachi appeared behind her, whacking Mei on the head with the blunt end of a kunai. The Uzumaki woman immediately fell unconscious, and Naruto began wrapping her from head to toe in rope.

Kakashi stared Mei, who was currently comatose. Then, he looked to Itachi. She seemed very, very satisfied.

"You didn't have to hit her that hard," said Kakashi, hesitant. For some odd reason, he felt rather nervous.

Itachi smiled, which instantly set off alarm bells in Kakashi's head. "No, I did."

After the anti-climactic arrest of Gato, a rescue mission to save the Wave Daimyo that was routine enough to be skipped over entirely, and a quick celebration where the freed villagers promised to build a bridge in honor of Zabuza, the team continued back towards Konoha. At the border between the two nations, Haku and Zabuza (who was still alive, though he was nursing a sore head) bid the team a tearful farewell.

"I'll never forget you!" blubbered Naruto, snot dripping down his nose. "You're too pretty to forget, Haku-nee!" He wiped his face, which had the unintended side effect of smearing mucus all over his cheeks. "And even though you're not a girl, you're still cool, Zabuko!"

"Zabuza," corrected the man with a grunt.

"Idiot." Sasuke jabbed Naruto in the side. "It's not like they're dead. We'll probably see them again, someday." He paused. "We might have to kill them, though."

Eyes narrowed, Kakashi glanced at Sasuke, feeling an odd sense of deja vu. He forced himself to relax. While it was true that the Sasuke from his original dimension had attempted to murder former friends many, many times, this Sasuke was relatively stable, despite being an Uchiha.

Unfortunately, Itachi had noticed his slight trepidation, and she was now staring at him suspiciously.

"Thanks for showing me that cool trick, Haku-san!" Sakura bowed to the older woman, smiling in a way that almost seemed normal.

Haku smiled back. "It was my pleasure, Sakura-chan."

Wait. Cool trick? What cool trick? What the hell had Haku taught her? How to sacrifice herself for higher ranking ninja?

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever. We're leaving now." With those charming words, Zabuza disappeared.

After a more polite expression of gratitude, Haku followed after her teacher.

"Well," said Kakashi cheerfully, ignoring the fact that Itachi was still glaring daggers at his back while carrying Mei on hers, "all that's left is to go back to Minato!"

Minato was not pleased.

"I don't know why I bother to be surprised anymore," he said, pinching his forehead. "The fact that you kidnapped Mei, who just happens to be my annoying cousin-in-law, really shouldn't bother me as much as it does. Heaven knows that you've done worse."

At the mention of her name, Mei began to stir. Itachi immediately knocked her out, her blow slightly more vicious than it had to be.

"I don't get what your problem is, dad!" exclaimed Naruto. "Auntie Mei's been dying to see me for ages! Now she'll get to see me everyday!"

"Shut up, Naruto. You're stupid." Sasuke scoffed, contorting his face in a way that freakishly resembled Fugaku.

"Nuh-uh, you're stupid! Stop calling me stupid!"

After listening for a moment, Sakura decided to join in. With a bright smile, she said, "I will shove a senbon needle up your—"

"The Daimyo's wife has put out a new D-rank for finding Tora," said Minato mildly.

With due haste, the genin made themselves scarce.

Now that the children were gone, the temperature of the room went down several degrees. Minato stared at the two jounin in the room for almost a minute, expression blank. Despite the cold, sweat beaded on Kakashi's forehead. What was Minato going to do? Torture him? Murder him? Assign him another genin team? The possibilities for punishment were endless.

"Kakashi, you're dismissed."

Kakashi blinked. "I'm dismissed?" He turned to stare at Itachi. "Just me? I'm the only one dismissed?"

This isn't right. This isn't right at all. Kakashi frowned at both Minato and Itachi, wondering what in the world they were up to. While he'd never seen the results of Minato and Itachi's cooperation, since the Yondaime had been dead for most of the young Uchiha's life, Kakashi knew it couldn't be good.

"Kakashi, you are dismissed." Minato's tone brooked no argument.

With a frown, Kakashi flickered out of the room. On one hand, he wanted to get to the bottom of this. On the other, he might end up in the bottom of the ocean if he pried too hard.

Minato let out another sigh as his former student vanished. He looked back up at the Uchiha heir, who, as usual, was standing at polite attention despite the presence of an S-ranked nin on her shoulder.

"We should probably do something about Mei, first," muttered Minato.

Itachi stared blankly at him, waiting for her orders.

He blinked. "You can put her down, you know."

Itachi immediately dropped Mei. Both watched as she slumped to the floor. After a minute passed, Minato signalled for his ANBU guards to take Mei away.

"Alright, now that she's taken care of…" Minato steepled his fingers, "let's get down to business. What can you tell me about Kakashi, now that you've observed him in action?"

"He is loyal to Konoha, Hokage-sama." There was no hesitation or doubt in her words. "He cares intensely for his genin team and for you." She paused. "However, my suspicions were correct. He fights like someone who has been out of ANBU for many years, and several of his techniques were unfamiliar. Even more telling, Hatake Kakashi was constantly surprised during our mission."

He gestured for her to continue.

"Especially when he was interacting with the clients, Kisame, and Mei, it seemed like Kakashi's expectations were constantly subverted." Her lips twitched downward. "But beyond that, what I found most confusing were his reactions towards Sasuke. He seems constantly on guard when interacting with my younger brother. It is… as if he expects Sasuke to attack him at any moment."

Minato blinked. "What? Why?"

Itachi's frown grew deeper. "Hokage-sama, I do not know."

A familiar bird screeched by his window, waiting impatiently with a scroll.

With a groan, Kakashi finished his shower. Messenger hawks always had the worst timing. Quickly, he opened his window and extracted the document. Kakashi toweled his head as he skimmed it, growing more and more apprehensive. Once he reached the end, he froze. Wasting no time, Kakashi flickered from his house, heading straight to the Hokage's tower.

The Chuunin Exams were beginning soon.

And they were being held in Suna.

AN: It's been over a year since the last update. If you're anything like me, you're brushing the dust off your email, wondering what in the world Branches is, and why you received an alert for it. Sorry about that... Life. Rest assured, it isn't abandoned. In fact, the end (of the story) is closer than you think! Again, thank you for all your reviews and favorites and follows. So many alerts. God. You rock! (Also, I now have a tumblr, though I only use it to lurk. That website makes me feel old. But if you're interested, my name is mockingone. I have plotbunnies for sale over there.)

Much thanks to Duesal Bladesinger, Igornerd, and Ser Serendipity for beta-ing and reading over the story. They're all very amazing, and you should check them out.

No Fugaku this chapter, sadly. He'll pop up in the next. Along with a certain trio of siblings... yay! Also, Tenzo. Poor soul.

I always appreciate comments, concerns, and criticisms. Thanks for reading!