the edge of heaven

It was a cold, wet day when Emil next visited the hospital, the dreariness reflecting his mood. Leon had asked him to spend the day at his house- apparently, most of his family were gone for some reason or other- but he'd refused the offer. Emil would only have to mention Lukas' name tentatively for Leon to nod and excuse him. He'd developed a strange new respect for the Norwegian, thanks to his reluctant blessing, and Leon spoke of Lukas' condition with new caution. It was no secret between them that Lukas was getting very ill, very fast.

The light drizzle of rain was making his hair damp, the white strands curling as they dried, and he wasted no time in hurrying into the main building. He didn't bother to check in at reception- after all, he knew the way to the heart unit like the back of his hand now. Dozens of visits did that to a person, the Icelander supposed. Mind set on the usual occurrence, Emil wasn't surprised to see another usual sight- Mathias in Lukas' bed, his brother curled in the Dane's lap. Mathias appeared to be half-asleep, but his eyes were drawn to Lukas, at his thin figure and pale complexion.

Mathias awoke to the sound of his footsteps, raising his head and blinking blearily until his eyes focused. At the sight of Emil, he offered him a small smile, the majority of his attention focused on Lukas. As Emil stood by the bedside, nodding silently to him, Mathias shifted in bed until he was in a sitting position, Lukas' arms still tight around him and face pressed into his chest.

"Hey, Emil." His voice was an undertone, apparently set on keeping Lukas asleep. "I didn't think you were coming. How are you?"

"I'm okay," he said slowly, violet eyes focused on his brother. Now he was close, he could hear the terrible sound of his breathing- Lukas's chest rose and fell in quick movements, breathing ragged and raspy. Mathias noticed his gaze and quickly ran a hand through Lukas' hair, stroking the side of his face with soothing movements. "How is he? Is he any better?" Emil doubted his own words- if anything, Lukas looked worse as the days went on.

"He's..." Mathias paused, thinking over his words before taking a deep breath and attempting to smile at him. "He's doing okay. He's been sleeping a lot, so I just sit with him and try to keep him comfortable. No wonder- I mean, that IV's full of new drugs, but as long as it keeps him well..."

Emil nodded slowly, just as unwilling as the Dane to think less than positive. He'd seen Berwald and Tino's expressions that last time, and he knew that the two were facing up to Lukas not getting better. But this was his brother- Lukas would refuse to give up without a fight. The thin figure with his arms around Mathias' waist, head pressed to his abdomen and breathing haggard, was surely just a temporary setback in his road to recovery.

"When are you actually leaving?" He changed the topic of conversation, wishing to draw his attention from Lukas' own state. "I thought your condition wasn't as bad as his." Of course it wasn't- Mathias' figure was still muscular and in good shape, face lacking rimmed eyes and cheekbones that looked like knives pressing into his skin.

It was here Mathias bit his lip, a dark look briefly passing over his face as he took a breath. "Next week. The doctors say I'm fine, that my heart should be back to its usual normality next week. I would've left sooner, except they've had to transfer my IV line to my chest. I've been taking it out, see." His knuckles were white as they tightened on Lukas' shirt, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to his head. Under Emil's gaze, Mathias seemed to draw his strength from Lukas' presence pressed against him. "I don't want to go. I can't- Lukas needs me here. I can't leave him here by himself."

"Don't hurt yourself," Emil said hastily, a sudden, icy hand of worry gripping his insides, "don't hurt yourself to stay in here. That'll only make things worse, even if you-"

He was cut off by Mathias' laugh, the Dane tipping his head back and shaking with mirth. "My God, Emil, you're one hell of a downer. It hadn't crossed my mind before now- not that I'm planning on it," he added, grinning at Emil's horrified expression. "I won't do anything, don't worry." He broke off at the sigh from Lukas, both falling silent as the Norwegian shifted in Mathias' arms. After a moment, his breathing eased out, and Mathias gave a huff of relief. "He'd kill me, for starters. I get afraid he's going to wake up sometimes, but he usually sleeps through anything."

"Wouldn't you like him to wake up?" Emil rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, gaze sliding to the tiled floor. His own heart felt compressed, and he drew in a deep breath of air. "He's usually a light sleeper- he wakes up at anything."

"Oh." The Dane visibly faltered, swallowing and attempting a smile in response. "I guess it's just the new drugs. The doctors will want him to get sleep, too. I don't mind, not really: Lukas wakes up every couple of hours, and we usually talk a little. It's another thing to look forward to when he gets better. I promised that I'd take him out- we can go somewhere together for the day, just the two of us, and just have time to ourselves. He seemed to like the idea."

"He would. It's nice. I didn't expect him to get so attached to you, if I'm honest. He doesn't usually like people." Emil stepped towards the bed and Mathias shifted over, mindful of Lukas' still sleeping form, to allow him to sit by his side. The boy's cheeks were pale, and he let out a long sigh. "I felt so guilty when he was first admitted. When I was- um- dating Leon and hiding it from him, I knew he was lonely. He didn't really have friends before now."

"That Leon again." Mathias grinned, and the Icelander flinched when he reached over to ruffle his hair. "Lukas ranted about him even before he found out about the two of you. When he showed up here, I could see why Lukas hated him- he's a smug little brat, to be perfectly honest with you. How are things with him?"

Emil looked startled with the question, and at the description of Leon, but answered the blond all the same. "Good, I guess. I was supposed to see him today, but I came here instead. I think he likes Lukas now, in a weird kind of way... he didn't really before. I guess it's because Lukas didn't stab him."

"Probably. I can't see Lukas respecting him, though." They lapsed into silence, the stillness only broken by the soft hum of the machines and the Norwegian's heavy breaths. Then Emil turned to Mathias, a blush dusting his cheeks.

"You're the first person who's asked me about Leon. Nobody else seems to... well, seems to care. Sadik does, but he usually makes a joke about it, or tries to make light of the situation. You asked me out of nowhere."

Mathias contemplated this for a moment, reaching up to push his hair from his eyes. Then he smiled, but this time it was genuinely kind. "I think Lukas has rubbed off on me a little. I care about you, Emil, and I'd want to know if you were doing okay. Everyone's focused on Lukas, but not on you. You're hurting too, right?"

"No!" His answer was quick, and the boy bit his lip anxiously, feeling Mathias' gaze fixed on him. "I mean- not really. Not like he is." He nodded towards his brother, at the sleeping figure still clinging to the Dane.

"I didn't mean physically," Mathias said quietly, thumb stroking the line of Lukas' jaw even as he spoke. "You can't just get sidelined, even if Lukas is sick. So; have you been eating well? Getting to sleep at a decent time? Practising safe sex?" He let out a bark of a laugh at Emil's horrified expression, shaking his head. "Sorry- since he's asleep, someone had to do it."

"It's bad enough Lukas does it," Emil muttered, cheeks flaming, "let alone his boyfriend acting like I'm a three year old. I've survived all this time, haven't I? Lukas should be impressed."

"He probably is. Your brother cares about you one hell of a lot- not like you need me to tell you that." Emil nodded slowly to his words, and Mathias paused. "I know it's hard, him being in here. It's hard on me, and I'm with him all the time, and he loves to remind me how little time we've known each other. You just- you've just got to put your faith in the doctors, all right? I know everyone else is pessimistic about him. They think... well, he's not going to get better." The Dane swallowed suddenly, then reached out to grasp Emil's shoulder, long fingers digging into his skin. "But he's going to improve. Maybe they can get this pacemaker; they were looking for once just this week, the nurse told me. I'd start up a fuss about it, but I don't want them to separate us. If anyone can make him better, it's the doctors, and we know they're always pessimistic."

"Okay." The Icelander's voice was quiet, and he, abet subconsciously, leaned into Mathias' hold. "It's... something, I guess." He thought for a moment, then added, "You weren't being serious about wanting to give him your heart, were you? You seemed pretty adamant the other day, so... I was wondering. I don't want you to do it, and Lukas wouldn't either. You know that, right?"

"Definitely." Mathias sighed, tipping his head back and staring at the ceiling. "They wouldn't let me, even if I pleaded with them. The doctors- my heart's not exactly the best one to donate, and they'd rather someone almost perfectly healthy otherwise wouldn't give it up. I think they secretly like treating me, even if they complain. You're right, though- thinking in the long run, I probably wouldn't be able to do it. It would destroy Lukas."

"Definitely," Emil echoed, hands now clasping each other and twisting on his lap. "If there's any reason as to why he gets better, it'll be because you're here for him. He wants to get better for you. I know he probably denies it, but he loves you an awful lot. Not that Lukas would tell me, but I know. Just the way he acts around you- he really does love you, Mathias."

The Dane let his words sink in for a moment, trying to hide the soft smile threatening to split his face. "Hey, don't put me on a damn pedestal. He'd be doing it for you, too- who else is going to feed the cats and make sure you're fed? He's all do vocal in telling me how much he loves you."

"Well- I guess. He's always been like that, even when we were kids." Emil shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed by Mathias' words. "Maybe it's because of us both, then. I don't need to give you the whole 'look after him' talk. I..." He broke off, then swallowed. "I don't think I've seen anyone love someone more than you love him. Not even Berwald compares to you. You're just so devoted to him, Mathias. He couldn't ask for anyone better."

"...that's true." His gaze drifted back to the Norwegian's face, one hand still cupping his face. He traced his thumb over Lukas' features- his long nose, high cheekbones, thin lips, the hollows beneath his eyes- and sighed heavily, leaning down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. "He's... honestly, Emil, it sounds like bullshit, but he's everything to me. I've never had someone that I could look after, or be there for, or protect. But Lukas- he's the most important thing in my life, and he means so much to me." He glanced up again, smiling sheepishly as Emil's violet eyes met his own. "I sound like some stupid teenage girl, don't I? God, I need to get a grip."

"No, it's... well, you're weird. You're really weird. But it's nice. I'm just glad he has someone to look after him, that's all. He spends all his time looking after me, and not after himself. He needed someone like you."

"Of course," Mathias said conversationally, as if the conversation was on such a simple topic as the weather. "I know how he feels. I think- well, in a way, I needed someone too. And here we are, two messed up guys with defective hearts. Lukas told me off, but I'm pretty sure that this was fate, you know? He's got me to look after him, and vice versa. It- It feels wonderful, to be honest," he admitted, giving a shaky laugh. "To have someone you know is there for you. You know what I mean, right? I can't think of him getting worse, because as long as he's got me, he's going to get better. I'm going to get him that pacemaker, Emil, whatever it takes. You trust me, right?"

The Icelandic boy could think of nothing but nodding along in agreement with Mathias, entranced with his words. The Dane gave him a small smile, relief plain to see, as he gripped Emil's shoulder tightly. "He'll be fine. You'll see."

"Yeah," Emil whispered, "yeah, he will be." At this confirmation from him, both boys seemed satisfied with Lukas' imminent recovery. With his brother still peacefully sleeping, Emil tentatively leaned against Mathias, his head resting on the Dane's shoulder. The blond seemed at ease, and Emil too was lulled to sleep by the fingers running through his hair, soft and reassuring as if that of a parent or guardian.

"Emil was here earlier. You were asleep, and neither of us wanted to wake you."

"Oh."

"He'll be back tomorrow, though. He's here every day- I told him not to bring Leon, just in case you killed him."

"Hmm."

"You do like him more, don't you? Since he's looking after Emil and all that? I know I would- Emil seems happy, after all."

Lukas' response was pressing his forehead against Mathias' chest, and the Dane sighed heavily. His answers were become more monosyllabic by the day, the Norwegian too exhausted to even speak for most of the time. Even now, right after sleep, his eyes were hazy and unfocused, and Mathias was unsure that he was fully aware of the situation. Still, he pressed on, hoping to keep Lukas alert.

"Berwald's coming round tomorrow. I think Tino's at work or something; I didn't really listen to what Ber was saying, to be honest. Peter wanted to come, but they talked him out of it. The kid never stays calm, and I guess it's better for things to be quiet around here than him letting off energy. He can come visit when you get a little better, if you don't mind it."

"Not really." Lukas spoke in a murmur, and Mathias tucked a strand of platinum hair behind his ear. "Don't mind him."

"He really likes you, y'know. Tino says that he calls you my 'quiet' friend, and he doesn't know how you put up with me." Lukas' lips twitched into a faint smile, and the Dane grinned, leaning down to press a kiss to the bridge of his nose. "I've been wondering the same thing since we met. It's my charm and good looks, right? They do attract all the girls, after all."

"I'm not a girl. You're arrogant." With difficulty, the Norwegian shifted in his arms, now positioned on his back with his eyes closed. A sigh escaped his lips, and Lukas took a deep breath before continuing. "You treat me like I'm normal. Everyone else thought I was a freak in high school. You climbed into my bed and tried to kiss me after a week."

"You're not a freak," Mathias said loyally, but sniggered a moment later. "I can't resist you. You're too cute, Lukas, how am I not supposed to kiss you?"

"By staying the hell away from me. Don't call me cute." Lukas' breathing was getting heavy again, and he took Mathias' hand with a surprisingly tight grip of his thin fingers. "Tell me a story. Please."

"Course I will." The Dane glanced over to the bedside table, the book out of his reach with Lukas against him, and sighed heavily. "Don't blame me if I can't remember this all from memory, okay? I mean, old HC's writing is pretty detailed-"

"I don't care." The Norwegian's voice was low, and Mathias knew that he was nearing sleep again. "Your reading is nice anyway."

Mathias sighed again, tucking the duvet tighter around him and frowning in thought. "Well. Okay. I guess... let me think..."

"Just say it already," Lukas said, tone irritated, and the blond held back a laugh at his annoyance, even as he began to speak again.

"Far out in the sea the water is as blue as the petals of the most beautiful corn-flower, and as clear as the purest glass. But it is very deep, deeper than any cable will sound; many steeples must be placed one above the other to reach from the ground to the surface of the water. And down there live the sea-people..."

Lukas was asleep before he was halfway finished.

Three hours later, when awake again and unsettlingly quiet, Lukas asked something that he had clearly been considering for some time.

"Do you think there's anything after death?" His voice was low, and Mathias glanced down at him, frowning. The Norwegian was tracing the bandages still around his chest- his surgery had been a few weeks ago, yet the deep line was taking its time to heal. Mathias was usually yelled at if he tried to see his bandages being changed, but suspected it had more to do with Lukas' obvious weight loss than the stitches and growing scar on his chest.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it much. Does it even really matter?"

"Of course it does." Lukas' eyes were focused on the side wall, and his complexion was pale. "At my house, I have some books on Norse mythology. I used to enjoy reading them- I never seemed to have time before I got sick. You know, the Vikings believed that those who died in battle had the most noble deaths. They'd go to this hall in Asgard called Valhalla." He paused for a moment, then added, "I tried to read them to Emil when he was little. I couldn't pronounce most of the words back then, and he cried at the violence. We switched to Roald Dahl after that."

Mathias was quiet for a long moment, as if thinking hard on his words. Then he spoke again, quite suddenly. "There's an amusement part attraction called Valhalla Borgen in Copenhagen." Lukas was used to him by now, but he was still thrown at the complete irrelevance of his words. He frowned up at Mathias, opening his mouth to complain, but Mathias beat him to it. "What kind of battle did they mean?"

"I'd assume a warfare battle, Mathias." He was distracted at the fingertips tracing his collarbones, and struggled not to shiver. "What other kind of battle were you thinking of?"

"Doesn't matter," Mathias muttered, mood obviously dark. Silence reigned between them as Mathias focused on tracing the bones protruding from his skin. Then he spoke up again, voice almost sulky. "Do you like the thought of that? Of Valhalla?"

"It's better than some eternal torture, I guess. I mean, if I had to choose-"

"Don't choose what time of afterlife you want," the Dane said sharply, providing Lukas with the answer to his behaviour. "Stop thinking so negatively all the time. You're not going to get better if you don't believe that you will."

"Mathias, stop this." Lukas felt his anger triggered, and his fingers tightened around Mathias' wrist. "Stop filling yourself with false hope. We both know that I'm not going to get better, and it's no use convincing yourself something miraculous is going to happen. It isn't."

"It could happen!" Mathias argued, face flushed red as he struggled to keep his voice down. "You can't just face up to dying, Lukas! You're only eighteen- this shouldn't be happening, you're too young-"

He was cut off at Lukas' coughing, and flinched at the blood splattering onto his shirt. Mathias took action almost immediately, grasping Lukas' shoulders and forcing him forwards to save him from choking. After several tense moments Lukas' coughs splintered off, and he slumped back against Mathias' chest with a sob. "See?"

Mathias ignored him, instead reaching to the cabinet to grasp the box of tissues lying in wait. Tilting Lukas' jaw, he slowly began wiping the blood from his face, pausing to wipe away the tears with his thumb. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." His words came through gritted teeth, clearly unsure of how to distract Lukas from his misery. "Just let me clean you up-"

"It doesn't matter. I'm going to cough my fucking lungs out and die in this fucking hospital. Face it, Mathias, I'm going to die." The Dane flinched when Lukas' words broke off into sobs, and the Norwegian buried his face in Mathias' bloodstained shirt as the Dane silently stroked his hair.

When Mathias thought about it, things had been getting worse already. Lukas had been determined to live, at least for Emil if for nothing else, yet the fight seemed to have gone from him since his last resuscitation. Again, at the thought of the Norwegian dying- dying before him possibly in his arms- left Mathias terrified.

As the week progressed, Lukas' health continued to decline. Mathias was forced to watch the colour drain from Lukas' face at the news of his weight loss, and hold himself back as the Norwegian traced his own ribs, full of morbid marvel at his new weight of eighty-six pounds. There were the coughing fits- always with the damn coughing- and blood. Too much blood. When Lukas wasn't asleep, he was in a coughing fit. The Dane found himself barely spending any time in his own bed, and instead in Lukas'. The nurses hadn't liked it to begin with, that much was obvious, but he could see the new pity in their eyes as he cradled Lukas' body, pressing soft kisses to his face and ignoring their sympathy. At least he hadn't been moved- he would be leaving soon enough, and it was obvious to anyone that Lukas was quietly, painfully dying.

He wouldn't let the Norwegian know that he was facing up to the worst. Mathias only let himself cry at night, when the ward was dark and Lukas drugged up, his shoulders shaking and the tears slipping down his face as he tried to stay as quiet as he could. Lukas' knowledge of his own failing health was bad enough. Knowing that Mathias had accepted it would make things worse.

On a Tuesday, when Emil mentioned that he would be staying the entire day in the ward, neither Mathias nor the nurses breathed a word of the visiting hours. In return, the Icelandic boy said nothing when Mathias passed him the box of tissues, or when he was drawn into a tight hug.

When it was nearing the end, Lukas seemed to have one good day. He'd slept less that day, managed to keep down his food, and, to Mathias' delight, was able to keep up a conversation with him. By the end of the day, the Dane's fear was only growing again at his obvious, oncoming decline. As he struggled to keep down the bile in his stomach Lukas was pressed into his side, trailing fingers along his jaw, and mustered up the energy for a smile so heartrendingly beautiful that it took Mathias aback.

"The day we went out- it was nice. It was really nice."

"Yeah. It was." Mathias' voice was quiet, resigned, and Lukas sighed.

"It'd be good to do that again. I'd like it. We should do it, Mathias, the both of us."

"You'd like that?" At Lukas' nod, Mathias' lips quirked into a sad smile. "That's good. I wanted to make you happy, even if it was only once. That was worth everything, just to see you smile."

"Idiot." Lukas took a deep, ragged breath, and the Dane tightened his arms around him, eyes screwing shut. "You work too hard to make me happy. I am never going to understand what made you fall for me, even with all of your reasons."

"Reasons? You want reasons? I like your humour, for one." Unexpectedly, Lukas pressed a kiss to his cheek, lifting Mathias' mood somewhat. "And you're interesting... and intelligent... and beautiful... should I go on?"

"'S enough. No thanks." The Norwegian's breath was coming quick and fast, and Mathias' body tensed. He couldn't be- he couldn't, not now- Mathias was pulled from his sudden fear at Lukas' whisper. "I love you, Mathias."

"I know you do," he murmured, teeth clamping down on his bottom lip. "I know, Lukas. It's okay. You don't need to-"

"I don't love you. Not like that. I'm not in love with you- you know I'm not-"

"Lukas, I know." Mathias's breaths had turned to gasps, and now he couldn't hold back the tears searing his eyes. "It's okay- it's okay- you don't have to tell me-"

"I could have." Lukas was also struggling to breath, but for a different reason as he cut over Mathias again. With difficulty, he placed a hand against the Dane's face, fingers shaking as he traced his features. "If I had time, I could've. If you gave me half the chance... I'd have fallen in love with you too, Mathias."

Mathias' vision blurred, and he broke off in a sob as he clutched Lukas to himself. He could feel the tears soaking into his shoulder, feel Lukas' shaking, and his grief tore at his very being as he finally let himself break down. He could barely hear himself through the tears stopping his throat, but he needed the Norwegian to understand him. "Lukas, I love you- I love you so much- please, please-"

"I know you do." There was a quiet acceptance in Lukas' tone, voice so small that Mathias had to strain to hear him. "I know."

"You'll go to Valhalla," he managed, voice muffled as he buried in face in Lukas' neck. "You've fought so hard. You're the bravest person I've ever met- you'll go to Valhalla, Lukas, but it'll be okay-"

The Dane wasn't sure how long it took him to gather himself and stop the tears. The only thing he was aware of, that had his blood freeze in his veins and made him release Lukas in an instant, was the high whine of the heart monitor's line going flat.

"No," he breathed, fear gripping him, "no." But it was true- Lukas was still before him, eyes half-closed and glassy, already looking smaller- he'd seen it before, it had happened again, and it wasn't supposed to happen, not with Lukas- he promised Lukas that he was going to live-

"Help him!" The words tore from his throat in a scream as his palm hit the alarm, his own heart surely having palpitations from his fear. "Anyone- please, anyone, please- save him, save Lukas, just save him-"

The ward went from silent to a flurry of activity in a moment's notice. Mathias was pulled backwards, fighting against the nurses trying to restrain him, tears trickling down his face and hands ineffectually reaching for Lukas. They weren't going to save them- the doctors, they'd said last time they wouldn't- he still fought against the restraints, no longer hiding his desperate weeping. The doctors glanced at each other as they handled Lukas' frail body- he was so small, when did he get so small- and Mathias knew, in that moment, that there was no hope.

"You can't just give up on him!" he screeched, fury mixed with his pain as his heart thumped erratically. "He's eighteen- his little brother has no one else- he's all I have! He's everything to me! You have to save him, you have to give him my heart, you have to make him live again-"

"Don't be so ridiculous, Mr Køhler," came the cold response, and the head doctor straightened with a somber expression to survey the others. "Get him into the Kolibri Room. It's a long shot to try and save him, even now."

Mathias had no idea what he meant, and he gasped for breaths as Lukas was taken from him, taken away to God knows where. Words failed him as his arms fell to his sides, the tears still coursing down his face and dripping onto his shirt. One by one, the doctors left, and Mathias was left to his panic, his grief, his composure and spirit breaking at Lukas' heart stopping in his arms.

Lukas was going to be okay.

It's a long shot to save him.

He was going to survive.

It's cruel. He's not going to respond.

All his plans for the future- they would be nothing if Lukas wasn't there to share them with him. He was nothing without Lukas. Absolutely nothing.

I'll try, for you. For Emil, for Tino, for Berwald- I'll try and get better. I'll do it for you.

Mathias had never imagined that he had understood true grief before, even with the loss of his parents. But here now, knowing that Lukas was dead and that he was utterly powerless, Mathias understood true hell.