disclaimer: it's stephANIE not stephENIE.
a/n: HAPPY NEW YEAR! probably worst timing ever to update since i'm expecting half of you to be drunk right now. oh well, hopefully you just read it when more coherent. or you can read it while shit faced. maybe it'll make it better. last chapter i forgot to credit mskathy (i almost put an before that...fuckin twitter) for helping bring about the idea of edward's ass hangin out of his gown. we were chatting a loooong time ago about it. just now getting to use it. there is also another tidbit from that convo in here. i'll tell you at the end.
super huge thanks to my beta arra584 who sits and holds my hand while she goes over what i wrote. she wants me to mention to you that this chapter is a "doozie." it is kinda...monumental (if you ask me) and i wanted to get it just right. i had most of this chapter written a long time ago. there were just a few scenes i was working and reworking until i got it as close to "perfect" as possible.
chapter title:
"You'll Be in My Dreams Today" by Screeching Weasels. lyrics don't apply
chapter songs:
"Enjoy Your Day" by Alkaline Trio (this song makes me sad)
"Picture" by Goldfinger
"Hey, Old Man." Ever since our previous conversation, Bella had taken to calling me that. Never Handsome. Unfortunately.
"Hi yourself, Beautiful." I heard her "tsk" in disapproval at the name. Like I cared.
"You know, ever since you discovered you're not ugly, you've gotten much more annoying. So arrogant."
"Telling me I'm not ugly is the same as telling me I'm handsome. You know that right?"
General denial in the form of grumbling came from my sweet Shortcake.
"I think I liked you better when you didn't talk to me."
"Liar." Her lips twitched ever so slightly.
"Well, I definitely prefer you all bandaged up to this."
"I think your pants are on fire, Shortcake." That caused an outright laugh from her.
I felt alarmingly pleased at the sound. Her laughter was contagious, light and beautiful. She needed to laugh more.
"Just shut up Edward."
--
"How's the leg?" My sweet little Nurse walked over to my left side and ran a hand along my leg. It was over the sheet but I still felt the intense burn in the wake of her hand.
Do not get hard. Do not get hard. Do not get hard.
Her pretty, brown hair swung around her shoulders as she moved. It looked soft. I'd bet anything it was soft. And really all I wanted was to reach out and-
I watched in fascinated horror as my hand started…petting Bella's hair. Oh god, it is soft. My fingers began combing through each silky strand, the scent of strawberries wafting towards me. Her hair felt so good, so nice. So - shit, what was another way to say soft?
"Edward?"
Oh, fuck. Think fast, dumbass.
And because I really am a dumbass, I said the first thing that popped into mind.
"Just seeing if you're scratch 'n sniff, Shortcake."
God, what is wrong with me?
"What, like some life sized version come to life for you to play with?" She laughed, thinking it all a joke.
"I wish." Whether I'd said it audibly or not, Bella didn't react. Thank Christ.
--
"I hear you're working well with Dr. Denali."
"Sure am."
"That's excellent news." Carlisle stood, shifting his weight from foot to foot, eyeing me warily.
"Was there anything else?"
"Edward, I…"
"Is this the part where you tell me where you're really running off to while Mom thinks you're visiting me?" He blanched at my words. Good. Asshole needed to be put in his place.
"Did you say anything to her?"
"No. Consider yourself lucky I don't bust your shit wide open – yeah, I swore, woo-fucking-hoo. But don't think for one second it was for your benefit. I'm only looking out for Mom."
"You love her so much. Always have." The color had returned to his face, eyes looking almost…happy.
"Yeah, well, someone has to."
"Knock, knock!" The dulcet tones of my Shortcake halted all conversation in the room. "Oh! I'm sorry Doctors Cullen. Shall I come back later?" Formal Nurse Bella Swan made me smile. Probably because I'd grown to know the real woman underneath the scrubs…well, sort of, anyway. The laid-back, blushing and giggling, casual Shortcake was so different. The contrast was laughable.
"No. Stay." I needed a Bella Buffer.
"Perhaps we can resume this conversation later then?"
Hearing my noncommittal "mhm," Carlisle left quickly.
"He looks so sad." Bella's eyes were trained on the door, as if she could see through it and fixate on the retreating form of my father. "Like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders."
"It's probably the weight of regret."
"Oh?" She was keeping quiet but I knew she was eager for me to share more, give her something of an answer to the one question she was dying to know.
"You know, regret from realizing you're a shitty husband and father. The regret you feel from figuring out that you pretty much suck as a human being."
"Edward, did something…I mean, is everything…do you…?"
I flipped through the channels absentmindedly, waiting for her to pull her thoughts together.
"Hey! It's you! Look, you're on TV!" I pointed at the screen, chuckling as Bella's eyes widened in disbelief.
"Really? Why would I be on...?" She trailed off when she turned and saw the commercial.
"You're all pocket-sized and adorable, Shortcake."
"Oh my god. You are not funny at all!" But Bella was giggling at the Strawberry Shortcake commercial that was now ending.
Perfectly timed distraction.
Or so I thought. Bella stopped laughing; her face turned serious.
"I won't push. But I'm here. You can trust me."
"I know." I really did know; something of a surprise since I trusted so few anymore. "And when I feel like talking, I'll let you know."
"Ok." She smiled, small and knowing, like she had some secret and wasn't sharing. "When you feel like it."
Bella left me confused at the look of triumph she tried tamping down. What was that about?
I thought back to the conversation.
When I feel like it.
When. Not if.
Surely a simple slip of the tongue. Right? She couldn't possibly think I wanted to tell her. Right?
--
I had finally been cleared to bathe myself now that I was stable on my own two feet. No more sponge baths from my own mother, no more nurses standing nearby to assist in case I fell, no more anyone keeping me from doing the one thing I wanted to do most.
If I don't rub one out right fucking now, my balls are gonna fall off.
The hot water felt good against my tense muscles and I imagined how much better it would feel if Bella was the one easing the soreness out of me, rubbing my shoulders and back. My eyelids slid closed as I reached down to palm my now hard cock. Since I didn't have any visual stimulation, I'd have to rely on my imagination.
Good thing it's pretty fucking vivid.
Bella was standing behind me, her tits pressed up against my back. I could feel how hard her nipples were. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and taste them, let my tongue drag against her rosy pink tips. But Bella had other things in mind. Or namely, one thing. My thing. My cock. She reached around in front of me and gripped my shaft, fingers not quite meeting each other, slowly stroking me.
"God, you're such a tease." I faked annoyance when really I fucking loved how she stretched it out.
"I'm not a tease. I fully intend on finishing what I started."
I looked down to where her hand was attached to my cock. I loved watching her touch me, play with me. So fucking hot.
"Like this, baby?" As if she didn't already know just how I liked it. Her strokes were hard and sure and she twisted her hand as she came up to my sensitive head.
"Oh hell yes. Just like that."
I reached out a hand to steady myself, feeling the cool tile against my skin. Bella's mouth was moving against my shoulders and back, lips sucking and tongue licking. I felt her teeth dig into my shoulder blade, making me groan out loud. She knew how much I loved it when she got a little rough.
"Bella, baby, you gotta stop or I'm gonna cum right now." I wanted this to last as long as fucking possible.
"But Edward, I want to make you cum." Her lips moved to my neck as she licked away the beads of water there.
"Get on your knees and maybe I will." I threw a smirk over my shoulder.
"Why do you want me on my knees? Do you want me to suck your cock?"
"Fuck yes."
She sank down on her knees right in front of me. But her eyes never left my face. She gave me a sultry stare as she brought her lips to my head. And I watched as her tongue swirled around it, finally licking up the precum that had collected.
I was groaning so loud the entire fucking hospital probably knew what was going on in here. Did I care? Hell no.
Bella took me into her mouth completely, swallowing me down her throat enough to have her nose touching my pubis. Her teeth lightly scraped against my shaft. I loved when she did that. One small hand went down to cup my balls, making them tighten with the need to shoot my load. She took me out of her mouth long enough to ask me one question.
"Does this feel good, baby?"
"Fuck, Bella. So good."
And then her mouth was back on my cock, taking me in as deep as I could go. She hummed lowly around me and I knew I was gonna lose it.
"Goddamn." I gripped her head and held her close as I fucked her mouth.
I came to the image of Bella licking me clean. It was pretty fucking amazing. Powerful after going so long. Aiming the showerhead at the tiles, I washed my jizz down the drain. My legs felt weak from the exertion. Thank God for the safety rail.
After composing myself some, I started questioning how wise it was to wank in the shower; especially with Bella so close by. She could've walked in at any time and overheard me…loving myself. Plus I didn't know how I'd be able to look her in the eyes without feeling bad. Not bad as in guilty. Bad as in even hornier than before.
Though I guess in a way I did feel kind of guilty. I had no idea how Bella would feel knowing I jerked off to fantasies about her. In my opinion, it wasn't creepy at all. It's not as if I had used strawberry lotion or something as lube to make me think about her more. I wasn't that obsessed.
I managed to stumble back to bed, barely taking the time to dry off before throwing myself down and covering my body with the thin sheet.
"Edward?" Bella's voice came through the crack in the door. "Is this a bad time?"
"Not at all." What a weird question.
Shortcake came in quickly, eyes lowered to the floor. Her cheeks were the sweetest, faintest pink. I wanted to touch my fingers to them, feel the warmth and softness there.
"Did you need anything before I take off?" She looked up and gave me a soft smile. I willingly returned it, thinking she was the picture of beauty standing there despite her ugly hospital attire.
"No, I'm good." The laughter came out before I could stop it. What else did I need? Relaxed, almost sluggish after cumming, I was content.
Only, looking at Bella I felt as if there were something else I needed. I had the strongest urge to pull her towards me, hold her against my body while I rested. I wanted to…cuddle? I'd never wanted that before.
--
"You'll love her, Edward. She's great."
I seriously doubted that. No one could top my Shortcake. Besides me, of course. I would definitely top her.
"Whatever."
"Don't be like this."
"Like what?"
"All pouty and...and childish! Why are you so upset?"
Like I could tell her the truth. Like I even knew the truth anymore. Everything was starting to get jumbled.
"I've just grown so accustomed to your nursing style. I don't like change."
That and I didn't want her anywhere near that tool. I wanted her to myself, goddamn it.
"Vanessa has great bedside manner."
I suppressed an eye roll. Who gave a fuck about her bedside manner? Really, the only one I cared about was Bella's. Besides, talking about beds and shit made things worse. I'd be stuck in this hospital bed while Bella went to share one with that fucking tool.
Ugh.
Why am I getting so worked up?
"Whatever."
"You won't even notice I'm gone."
"Whatever, Bella. It's cool." The fact she said that just showed me how oblivious she was to her own charms.
"Stop saying 'whatever,' Edward. It's really annoying. Are you trying to make me feel guilty or something? Aren't you happy I get to go home?"
I cringed at the word. Months in Seattle and she still saw Arizona as home? And I expected her to leave her boyfriend for me?
I am one hopeless fuck.
"You're right." I was amazed at my words. Was I really trying to be a bigger person? "I'm happy for you. I guess I'll just miss our daily visits. I'll..." why was it so hard to swallow all of a sudden, "miss you."
There was a beat of silence.
"Me too, Edward. I'm really going to miss you."
I swear my heart fucking stopped in my chest. The feeling was painful yet not. Intense, overwhelming; ice in my blood, yet fire in my chest.
It was amazing.
She said she'd miss me and I wanted to turn cartwheels or some shit. Hearing her admit that almost made her leaving worth it.
My smile right now could probably light up the entire city. Goddamn pussy that I've become.
"So." Bella looked uncomfortable now. "Try to be nice to Vanessa ok? She's really great and I just know you'll like her if you give her a chance."
Sure, Vanessa seemed nice enough. Also dirty. I hadn't forgotten what she said about my back dimples – which as soon as possible I had checked out for myself - or her suggestion of how to use them. Dirty girls were a good thing. At least, they usually were.
But I'd grown fond of the somewhat shy and innocent Bella who would never say that at work. Hell, she'd hesitated even telling Vanessa that my ass was nice.
So while it was normally something I'd go for, I doubted I would chase after Vanessa's pussy too.
Just why the fuck not? It's like you've set Shortcake's pussy up on a goddamn pedestal.
I wouldn't settle for anything else.
Jesus, does that mean no tail until you get Bella?
I…?
--
"Have a good flight, Shortcake." I felt like I was saying goodbye for good. Like this was the end, like things would change.
"Thanks, Edward. Keep up the good work with your PT. By the time I come back, you'll be walking like a pro."
Yeah, walking away from here. Damn it.
"Bye, Beautiful."
"Bye," she waved and walked towards the door, "Handsome." Then she was gone before I had a chance to say anything.
Handsome.
It's like she could sense what I felt. Why else call me handsome? Confused, nervous, jealous, angry, worried…sad. A complete fucking array of emotions were battling it out for dominance. When was the last time I had felt so many things at once? When was the last time I'd come close to feeling anything really strong at all?
Even if she said it to ease me, she said it. For now that was enough.
For now? What's for later?
--
"Hello, Edward. How are you feeling today?"
"Dr. Cullen."
"I'm sorry?"
"It's Dr. Cullen."
"Oh." Overhearing Shortcake call me by my first name, I'm sure Vanessa thought she could take the same liberty.
"I'm fine. So you don't have to stick around."
"Yeah, ok." But she didn't leave. In fact, she sidled up next to me and began poking and prodding.
"Do you mind?"
"Nope."
"Ow! Stop." Fucking hell, this girl did not have good bedside manner. Bella was very, very mistaken.
"So, Edward, are you sure you're ok?"
"Didn't I tell you to call me Dr. Cullen?"
"As a matter of fact, you didn't." What the fuck? "You just told me your name was Dr. Cullen. Which I already knew." If I could have, I would be growling at her.
"I don't like you."
"Figured as much. Don't worry. I'll break the news to Bella."
"What? What does Bella have to do with anything?"
"Not like I really think she believed you'd be interested."
"I'm confused." My head was starting to hurt from her useless prattling.
"Doesn't seem like that's a hard feat."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" Maybe this Vanessa chick didn't recognize my name. I was kind of a big deal around here.
"Sure I do. The question is, do I care?" I just stared at her, all slack jawed and disbelieving. How could she be so fucking rude to me. It was not an attractive trait at all. "Anyway, like I was saying, I'll tell Bella and then she'll realize her attempts were misguided." The strangest expression crossed her features, making her look almost evil. Scary.
"Misguided? How?"
"See ya later, Eddie."
--
"Alice, what are you doing here?"
"I'm breakin' you outta this prison."
All my doctors had agreed, I'd served my time. Everything had healed or was healing nicely. There was no longer any need to stay here.
So why was I so upset?
Bella.
Bella. Bella. Always Bella. She had been a constant presence in my thoughts since she left. Ok, so she'd been a constant long before then. But everything had gotten exponentially worse since her vacation away from Seattle.
My time with her was over. It had to be. She was in Arizona. And now, like I had feared, I was being released while she was away. I just had the worst feeling that when she came back from vacation, things would be different. How could they not? When I came back to work, I'd probably never see her. There was no reason for me to come into contact with her again. I'd be in Trauma, after all.
I didn't want to go home. I'd gotten so comfortable here; gotten used to being taken care of. I'd even gotten used to all the ambient noises the hospital provided. Beeping machines, nurses chatting, squeaking wheels and shoes…
Funny how the things that had once driven me crazy now seemed almost comforting.
I attributed a lot of that to my Shortcake. She helped curb some of my more unseemly attributes. No way could I deny that she had some weird power over me. And not just the lure of her body. It was time I was honest with myself. One hundred percent honest.
I liked Bella. Not just cared, but liked.
Fuck, I like like her.
Not just as a person but in much more dangerous ways. The kind of like that made you insanely and irrationally jealous. The kind of like that gave you a reason to get up in the morning. The kind of like that kept you up wondering if she was thinking of you. The kind of like that...
Jesus Christ, I am a woman.
This feeling was so foreign to me. Sure I'd liked girls before, but not like this. This was weird. This was…right.
My head hurts.
--
"Almost there." Alice was all chipper and shit as she wheeled me towards the exit. Even though I knew it was protocol, being confined to a wheelchair made me feel stupid.
"Did you draw the short straw or something?" She gave me a questioning look. "How'd you get stuck with picking me up today?"
"Edward, I'm seriously hurt. You think this was forced on me? I offered." Likely story. "Besides, Mom and Dad had a meeting they couldn't back out of," meeting for what? "...and Emmett is with Rosalie. And since you and Rosalie, ya know, pretty much hate each other's guts…"
"Like I said. Stuck with me."
Alice frowned down at me but didn't say another word. We'd reached our destination, standing – or in my case sitting- in front of the huge automatic doors. Alice had told me she'd driven over the rental car given me by my insurance. But all I saw was a silver car that seriously could not be mine.
"What the fuck is that?" The nurse that was with us glowered at my foul language.
"Your car." The "duh" was implied in Alice's tone of voice.
"I'm supposed to drive around in a fucking Volvo?"
"Your insurance company insisted that Volvos are a very reliable and safe car. Plus it's an automatic so you don't have to worry about your leg. It seemed like a good fit."
Was she trying to imply I needed help when it came to driving? The accident that landed me in this fucking shit-hole was not my fault.
Alice drove me home, texting Jasper on the way to let him know she needed a ride back. Talk about unsafe. Texting while driving? The girl was just begging to get in an accident. But we managed to make it in one piece. She all but flew into my assigned spot and helped guide me to the elevator.
"Don't worry, I've been bringing the mail in for you." I hadn't worried. Mail never even crossed my mind.
"Thanks for helping me out, Alice."
"No problem. What are sisters for?" I was about to respond when Alice glanced down at her phone. "Oh! Jasper's outside. We have reservations at Brasa. So I can't stay and chat, but hit me up if you need anything!"
She was headed out the door before I could utter a single word. Nice.
The next day, I made the slow and arduous journey to my parking garage. The Volvo sat in my spot, where my baby once resided, all silver and stupid-looking. As I unlocked the thing, I was overwhelmed by how much I did not want to drive it.
I think I'll just take the bus today.
But today turned into the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Every time I gimped over to that ugly car, I shuddered at the idea of driving it.
Probably because it was an insult to my baby's memory.
And I mean, it never hurt to take public transportation. I was doing Mother Earth a favor by, essentially, carpooling. Green is good. And all that.
--
My nights were plagued with frightening dreams. Ok, so I guess they were more like nightmares, but I would never admit that to anyone. Sometimes I would be stranded on the side of a road. Other times I was zipped up in a body bag, trapped. No matter where I was though, one constant remained.
Bella's voice. A whisper really. And no matter what I did I could never find her.
And every time I woke up, my head hurt and I was left confused as fuck at my dreams. I wondered if James would write me up a prescription for Zolpidem. Anything to knock me the fuck out so I didn't have whacked out dreams.
Needless to say, a week at home and already I was feeling completely out of sorts. My sleep was for shit. I looked like shit. Everything around me was just…shit. What I wouldn't give to have someone to vent to.
Not someone. Bella. What I wouldn't give to talk to Bella. She'd know what to say, know what to do. She had to be coming home soon, right? But where did that leave me? I didn't think we had the type of "relationship" that would make it normal for me to confide in her. And really, now that I was no longer one of her patients, would she care?
I had just finished my PT session with Irina. Her flirting and pick-up lines were getting old. I wanted to do my exercises and leave. But Lauren had taken to staking out the area since she heard of my release. So even when I was done with Irina, I got no relief. I swear to God if she pushed her tits at me one more time I was gonna go ape-shit crazy.
My feet took me to the nurse's station just outside my old room. Elizabeth was there, head bent over and nose practically smudging the ink on her paperwork.
"Working hard, or hardly working?" I chuckled as she seemed to pop straight up from her desk.
"Oh Edward, when will you realize you are not even the least bit funny?"
"You know you love me." I hobbled around to join her. Plopping down on a chair I was able to prop my foot up next to her.
"Whatever you say, Cullen Jr." She stood up slowly, age and long hours at work taking a toll on her body. "You can stay and hide...I mean, rest, for awhile. I've got shit to do."
The hallway was uncharacteristically empty. I was grateful for the solitude. My body calmed at the familiar surroundings and before I knew it I was dozing in the chair. Loud footsteps woke me and I looked up in time to see several of the nursing staff running towards one of the occupied rooms.
Wonder what's going on in there?
In desperate need of some caffeine to wake me up, I wandered over to the vending machines. The coffee here was shit but potent. As I held the styrofoam cup under the spout, I thought I heard a noise behind me. When nothing followed it, I decided I was a little too tired.
Definitely stopping by James' before I leave.
"Edward, is that you?"
I dropped the cup, astonished to be hearing a voice that was now just familiar in my dreams.
"Bella?"
In my eagerness to see my wonderful Shortcake, I spun around a little too fast. She had to rush over to my side in order to keep me from tipping over. Her hands were on my shoulders. Her hands were on me and it felt really nice. My smile was unavoidable.
"What are you doing here?" She hadn't moved her hands yet.
"Just finished my PT session." Her hands were still on me.
"It's good to see you." She sounded sincere and her hands were still on me.
"God, Shortcake, I've missed you." Not thinking, I pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her. There wasn't even a hint of tension as I lowered my head down so my cheek rested atop her head. She smelled so good. Strawberries. The scent I'd missed for over a week now. And when my fingers dug into her back, Bella seemed to almost melt into the embrace.
"Oh, Edward." She moved her head back, forcing me to move mine as well. "How are you?" We were facing each other now, arms still wrapped loosely around each other.
"I'm good." Now. "I'm glad you're back."
Before I realized what was going on, I had stepped closer to her, bringing my lips to hers. Only when I heard and felt Bella's lips form a gasp did I understand just what I'd done. My eyes went to hers, seeing surprise in the beautiful brown eyes in front of me. Her lips were still slightly parted, full and sexy. And once again, my body took over my actions. I kissed her again...softly, sweetly.
"Edward..." My name was a sigh on her lips. The sound of it was so perfect. A fire ignited within me.
Any self-restraint I had was gone. Everything I had felt up until this point crashed down on me at once. All I could do was close any remaining distance between us. My mouth crashed down on hers, sucking her lips between mine and really getting the chance to taste how incredible she was. I kept my eyes open only long enough to see hers flutter closed. Her lips began to move with mine, making my heart race. She wanted this as badly as I did.
I lightly touched the tip of my tongue to her lips, then let it trace around her perfect cupid's bow. She was all strawberries on my tongue, and when she parted her lips to let me deepen the kiss, in my mouth. My tongue slid against hers slowly. I wanted to savor this kiss. For the first time in my life, I wanted to go slow and fully enjoy every sensation she caused in my body.
Bella whimpered against my lips, the sound making me tighten my arms around her. I felt her hands move up to my hair, grabbing fistfuls and holding me against her mouth. As if I would move away. I wanted to pick her up and push her against the wall. I wanted her to feel every part of me, feel how hard I was for her. Fuck, I wanted to pull her into an empty room and fuck her in one of the hospital beds.
But as soon as Bella's hands were in my hair, they were gone. She placed them back on my shoulders. She drew back her head, effectively stopping the kiss. I didn't want it to end, didn't want to let her go. But her hands were gently pushing against me and I knew my time was up.
When I opened my eyes, I noticed how wide hers were. But her lips were no longer parted in shock. They were pressed together tightly. Did she regret it?
"Edward, I don't know what…I mean to say…That shouldn't have…" Her eyes closed again, but not before I saw the pain in them.
Holy shit, what had I done?! She had a boyfriend. I didn't mean to let that happen. It's not what I had intended. I didn't want to feel sorry for experiencing the single, fucking best kiss I'd ever had. But I was. Because I had obviously hurt her or made her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry." And as quickly as my legs could handle, I got the hell away from there.
i wanna run away and hide now. for cereals. i'm scared and literally biting my nails. i need your feedback. and if you have questions i will GLADLY answer. review/pm/tweet me (creampuffsteph) and i'll hit you up with a response.
mskathy, the scratch n sniff was all you bf.
if you want to see some visual...stimulation...for this chapter, i advise you check out my blog 4theluvofmary(dot)wordpress(dot)com. ;)