In The Arms of Destruction

by AnnabelleG

The Past, long buried by years of conversion, has come to make its payback to Hilde Schbeiker. Now, without Duo Maxwell at her side, she must face it with a new ally, Heero Yuy. (completed) R&R!

11. Part 9: -I wanted to see you smile.-

In the Arms of Destruction Part Nine: The Long Wait

Heero Yuy had been through a hard life. One that was unspeakable in terms of all that he had been through and all that he had become. What he had been through was beyond explainable. All his life, pain, suffering and death had accompanied him; as a result he had become numb to them, even reaching the point when they were all that he knew, all that he understood. He had arrived at that point where he actually took pleasure in the torment, and inflicting such on other. He had needed salvation, but was so unfamiliar with the concept that it always evaded his reach. He felt that he was beyond being saved – no longer human, no longer capable of life, of joy and kindness, but most of all of love.

All these he bore on his shoulders and hid beneath indifferent eyes. All of these, he tried to ignore, to push away. And deep within, he had been resigned to the fact that there was no longer hope. But he convinced himself that he would not care, as no one ever had. He would not care for the saving he needed, the saving he was very unfamiliar with.

And yet, as Heero raised his eyes, there stood before him a person, smiling at him. Though she was not the most beautiful person in the world, she seemed to radiate a beauty that was meant for his eyes only. An inner majestic beauty, the one of her soul, one that prodded him, that made him believe that there was still hope.

For she was smiling at him, with an expression that cared, with eyes that viewed him as if he deserved to live. Her hand held his shoulder in a gentle grip, one that did not fear who he was. She was leading him into the home she made for him. She made him feel human.

But she had also incited emotions he had never felt before. She made him laugh, made him worry. With her, he'd felt innumerable exasperations and irritations. Yet with that, there had been joy, elation even, and affection. She made him feel as if he was capable of kindness and gentleness, of sensations he had never thought possible within him. And thus, she made him know he was human, after all.

And even with all of Heero's imperfections, all of his past demons, problems and his emotional detachment, she still stood with him. She wasn't leaving. Instead, their bond seemed to strengthen; their relationship became firmer.

What a big surprise.

Could Heero actually find what he needed in her? Would he really be lucky enough as to be renewed by her? He—

"Let's go home, Heero." Hilde Schbeiker whispered tiredly, but joyfully. She tugged on his arm and dragged him before the door again. Even with their most painful argument yet, they were still together – she still noisy, he, still the 'grudge.'

Surprise, indeed.

"We're going to wet your brand new carpet."

She wrinkled her nose at the thought, but a thoughtful smile replaced her expression as she looked away, "It's worth it. We have other things to be thankful about. At least we're still wetting it together."

And right at that moment as he watched her, Heero felt something within him… unfurl. He stared at Hilde's hand on his arm, then closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhilarated. This new emotion was something he couldn't name… yet. It was so brilliant, so fresh that it almost intimidated him. Yet the wonder was that it actually existed, that it was there, though still very fragile. And this precious thing could grow into something more, could incorporate itself into reality.

But though Heero accepted, even rejoiced in its presence, he still refused to dwell on it. It was too soon. But he was hoping that he would be able to face it when the right time came.

And this time, he didn't fear.

Then Hilde gasped, and his thoughts immediately scattered.

"What is it?"

She turned to him, her eyes growing in panic, "I don't have my keys."

Heero frowned. "I have mine."

"Nein," she struggled out, revealing her loss of control. "It's not that." At his prodding look, she shook her head. "They keys were in my coat, and I left it in my table back at the Park Square." Her eyebrows drew together in hurried concentration. "I completely forgot about it when I saw you."

Heero glanced at his watch, "It's twelve o'clock already. We can look for it in the morning; if it's not there, we can always get you another coat." He bit his lip, trying to ignore the worry rising rapidly within him. It was unusual.

Hilde shook her head blindly, tapping her side as if to scold herself. "No, it's not that. I left the beret as well."

"The beret?" Heero repeated, sounding confused.

"Yes, the beret," Hilde answered absently as she started pacing. "I can't believe how stupid I had been. Why, of all things, did I leave the beret?" She drew out exhaustedly. "I have to get it, by Deutschland, if it's the last thing I have to do. Instructor would kill me, and I would never forgive myself… Dumm!"

Heero glared at her as he grabbed a hold of her shoulders. "You're talking to yourself again. Calm down!"

Hilde immediately stopped. She released a deep breath and closed her eyes, holding her hands over his as she did so. The action seemed to calm her, and Heero patiently waited until she could explain the situation to him.

"I'm sorry Heero," Hilde sighed as she opened her eyes. "I just—I need to get that beret back, right now. It means too much to me." She flashed her eyes over the road. "You should get your rest. I'll just have to go back to the Park Square and ask for it."

Heero had been dumbfounded to silence, though Hilde didn't realize this as she nimbly extricated herself from his grip. "I may not have the umbrella yet, cause Nicky borrowed it earlier, but I have to get it now. By my name, I'll look for it until I find it." She repeated with conviction, anxiety still marring her eyes as she went down the steps and back into the rain.

It was then when Heero finally regained control of himself and angrily stalked over to stop her. What in the world was she thinking? "Hilde."

"Don't worry Heero, just stay put and rest. You need it!" She called out as she walked off in the rain, thus angering him more. He caught up with her in a few strides.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Hilde didn't back down from his furious gaze, but he could tell it disturbed her. A plea appeared on her face. "Back to the Square. Please, Heero, I have to…" But she faltered a bit, suddenly clutching at her head as she almost collapsed, falling to hold onto his shoulder.

This time, Heero didn't bother to hide his anger. "This has to be one of your stupidest, most impulsive decisions Hilde. You are tired," he began harshly, glaring as she gave a resigned sigh. "Exhausted. You are on the point of fainting. You are cold, fatigued, and distraught, and if you happen to forget, it is already midnight. Now," he finished as held her, "tell me what you get from that."

Slowly, a weak, almost sheepish grin appeared on Hilde's face. "I… I should look for it in the morning?" But she turned her face to the side, nearly hiding from him the very worried look on her face. Heero then knew that she didn't like the truth very much.

He sighed. "Hilde Schbeiker, more directly, it is a command for you to get to bed. And then, we will look for the cap in the morning."

"But—" she immediately protested. But then she paused, and her eyes suddenly brightened, "We?" she asked hopefully, if not a bit wryly.

Heero didn't miss the slight teasing in her voice. Sighing, he released her and started muttering a few choice phrases under his breath. Hilde couldn't stop a giggle. She nudged him with her elbow and whispered cheerfully, "I make you do stupid things?"

Heero snorted, and she laughed again. The sound lifted his own soul, and he shook his head at the new thought. He watched her dancing eyes, but didn't forget what caused his seriousness. "Inside. Now." He pointed to the doorway.

Immediately anxiety returned back to her eyes. "But, Heero, I really—"

"Don't question my orders, Hilde. Just do it." Heero said, firmly ignoring her objections. Yet he still couldn't erase how easily she lost control earlier. The beret seemed too valuable to her…

Hilde sighed, then turned to do as he said. But before doing so, she gave an uncertain look back to the street, as if regretting not having to look for her beret that moment.

But then she looked back to him, and before he knew it, she had approached him and given him a tender, but strong hug. "Thank you, Heero, for putting up with me." She whispered. "And most especially, for doing many stupid things for me."

Heero's eyes, once wide because of her incredible gesture, now softened due to her words. He placed a hesitant hand on her head, and found himself running them through her soft hair. A small smile played on his lips. Stupid things, indeed.

Before he could say anything, she moved away from him. Giving him one last smile, she headed back inside to the house. Heero prevented himself from smirking when he noticed her unsteady steps.

When she disappeared past the stairs, he found himself whispering faintly to her, so softly that the words were barely discernible, "Me, too."

He glanced at his hands, still feeling the softness of her locks brushing softly against it. He could still smell her delightful scent around him. In a strange way, Heero felt as if something had been lifted from his shoulders.

He then recalled the source of Hilde's worry, then glanced down the road.

She might not have known it, but Hilde had gotten him again to do another stupid thing.

Heero sighed and went to look for the beret.

~~~

"You mean Sig? He lives just on the outskirts of Tirrill, somewhere on section H67—commonly called Kurland Street, I think. It's not hard to find, once you see a large brick building, turn to the alley on it's right side, the first door you find will be his pad. It's not on the richest sector of this town, you know—quite a dank place, but it's all right. I've been there once." The blond fellow explained lazily.

Heero only nodded, then went on with his way. Suddenly, one of Hilde's constant naggings reached him. He turned back to the person. "Thank you."

The man, who had been slightly unnerved by Heero's silence, now smiled. "Sure thing. By the way, don't be intimidated by Sigfreud. He might look all that big and intimidating, but don't challenge him and you'll be okay. You're lucky he's probably still up at this hour."

Heero nodded at the warning, but the guy went on. "After all, he only took the hat because no one claimed it. He wouldn't keep it from you."

At his final words, Heero impatiently waved a hand away then continued on his walk. This was the third person he had been referred to for the past hour. The Square café was barely closing when Heero had arrived, and the owner had pointed him from one person to another, leading him on a merry goose chase. Finally, he found someone who could point to the beret; unfortunately, it was still raining harshly.

He walked steadily against the windswept showers and continued on his plight. He could finally reach Hilde's hat. It was still too cold, but he'd been through worse. It was a very good thing that his destination was just nearby.

Soon, he was stepping towards the half-dilapidated apartment beside the grand red brick building the man had indicated. Loud music came from behind the door, and it was no wonder the said man was still awake. Hurrying, Heero knocked on the door twice.

A large, burly man opened the door for him, shouting a resounding "What the heck do you want?"

Heero's eyes slit. The bald guy reminded him of Ora, the mercenary he had worked with in bombing the Space Colonial Stars Embassy. There was a seemingly mischievous look in his eyes however, one which reminded him of Hilde's when she was up to trouble. However, this didn't settle Heero's heightened wariness against the man.

Heero turned to reply in an equally hostile tone, but another one of Hilde's infamous monologues repeated itself in his mind. You shouldn't be so wary about others, yourself. Not all people mean bad, Heero… you can try to trust some, and see the heaps of good that would come back to you in return.

Try.

He sighed, and then lifted his hand in a polite gesture. "Good Evening." He gave the man a direct stare, one that didn't back down from him, but had no heat in it. "I've come to look for the beret a friend of mine left in the café this evening."

At his explanation, the man nodded slowly, and when Heero finished, his face suddenly broke into a grin. "I see. A considerate but uptight laddie, you are!" He grabbed Heero's hand and shook it jovially. "Come inside for a moment. Yer' a mite too wet for me."

Before Heero could say anything else, the man had slung a hand over his shoulder and brought him inside. His eyes immediately scanned the room. The place, though small and sparse, seemed to be warmed by the laughter of its other occupants. They were all grouped in a table nearby, where others had turned to give him a smile.

Sigfreud then looked at him. "What's yer name, lad?"

Heero, despite his shock at immediately being accepted, had enough sense to give a safe name. "Odin, sir." He answered shortly.

The guy laughed. "Odin, eh? Lighten up, kiddo. I'm Sigfreud. Sorry 'bout the hat over there. It was just too well cared for to throw away, so I took it home. Hey guys!" He motioned over to the group of people. "Meet Odin. The guy's come to take the 'bloody' beret!"

Much laughter followed his statement, but so many bright smiles faced Heero that he felt overwhelmed. These people were so hospitable—didn't they know that such uninhibited courtesy could very easily put them in danger?

But you had shown them kindness. And they just returned it.

Heero was startled when a small, dark-haired child latched on to him, "Fwend!" she squealed excitedly.

Sigfreud wagged a finger at the little sprite, "Now, Reese, you're still recovering from the flu. I'm sure Mr. Odin's pleased with your greeting, but your really have to get back to bed."

"No, he's a fwend!" The girl mumbled adorably, stubbornly holding on to Heero. Despite the proud look in Sigfreud's eyes, he turned to plead to Heero. And the man got the message clearly. Help me.

Strange as it was for him, he wanted to. Taking a deep breath, Heero knelt down to face the girl. He wasn't sure about what he should do, but he kept Hilde's example with Nicky in his mind. Steadily reminding himself to be kind, he held on to the girl. "Thank you…" The girl brightened. "But all good girls like you should get to sleep." Heero paused unsurely. "Now."

Reese started sniffling, "But, but…"

Heero released his breath and spoke hesitantly. "We can't be friends if you're always sick… no," he added as the girl's face broke even more. "What I meant was that—if you're always sick, I'll be… very sad." Finally, the girl gave him a hopeful glance; he had progress. "You have to recover first, so that we could… get to know each other better." It was strange, but he smiled at the girl's pleased face. That small gaze reminded him of another girl, so long ago… "Right?"

There was an excited look on little Reese's face as she nodded repetitively. She was very pleased by his answer. "Wight. I go sleep now." She gave him a hug and bounded over to an adjacent room.

Heero watched over the girl as she went off. He was only interrupted when Sigfreud placed a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry about that, Odin. Me and the guys here only get to spend some time together during the evenings." And with that, he assisted Heero up and led him away to introduce him to his friends. The gruff old fellow really wasn't as hard as he seemed, and the welcoming presence of his friends made his place homely and appealing despite its many cracks and damages.

Heero's thoughts wandered once more before a thoughtful smile lit on his lips. Despite his tiredness, one wry thought had formed in his mind. Kindness and trust did bring you to greater places.

~~~

Mission Accomplished.

The rain was still strong, there were barely enough lights to brighten the streets, and the night on the colonies was very cold, but throughout all these, Heero gave a small smirk of triumph as he gazed at the brilliant red beret before him. It took such great lengths (not to mention absurdities) to get it, but he had to admit, he felt joy in his accomplishment.

He had shown kindness.

It was strange, showing and receiving genuine kindness. He hadn't done much, merely pulling back his survival instincts for a few moments for Sigfreud. But Heero hadn't expected the courtesy the stocky man had shown him. It was all together new and very, very refreshing. Maybe one day, he could get around to helping and giving to others naturally.

His eyebrows drew together in deep thought. It wasn't as if Heero had never experienced kindness, or helping others. In fact, he had fought in the war for the sake of protecting others, just as much as for his own preservation. The war had taught him many lessons about that. But this time, it felt different. She had been right, after all. Heero had given kindness without a hidden purpose or without being forced to do so, and as he did so, the joy he had assumingly given to others seemed to reflect itself to him. He had given, and he felt as if he had received. All of those, he discovered in the simple act of offering his hand to a hostile looking man.

Vaguely, Heero wondered if inflicting pain on others had the same result: the reflection of pain within him.

But he really didn't know. Heero had been so used to hurting and killing men that he already couldn't recognize how he felt about it. It was as if… he had been numbed by it. He could no longer tell when, or why he exactly felt pain.

Yet, there was one time when Heero had felt pain at hurting others. It was earlier this night, when he had hurt Hilde. Of that, he was very much aware.

Heero shook his head, all these thoughts were making him nauseous. But as he continued the long walk home, another thought flitted across his mind. That he was thinking such thoughts proved that he was one step closer to actually being human.

He smiled, glancing at the hat. Hilde.

Maybe miracles where possible after all—maybe God did exist.

He hoped that he would finally get to believe.

Clutching the beret tighter, he crossed the street, eager to get home. He was very tired; too tired it seemed, for his vision seemed to be getting blurry. At this, he gave another glance at the hat, wondering about its importance. Why did it mean so much to Hilde? So much that she was willing to look for it at this hour? That it brought him this far?

It was then when Heero caught the blotted text written on the underside of the cap. He squinted his eyes to read the blurred text.

Schatz, it read. Folgen Sie ihren Träumen. 11, Instructor.

Heero frowned through the German inscription. But the number 11 and the name stood out in his mind. A gift from her beloved Instructor. The beret was her only link to the better part of her past.

Despite his exhaustion, Heero sympathized with her. He wondered about her past, and how deep her relationship with this Instructor was. And in this, he felt the desire to share in her pain, to help her heal as she did with him, unknowing as it seemed.

I must be too tired, Heero thought to himself, because he was being filled with inane ideas. That must have been it, he affirmed as he held a hand to his burning forehead. Because for the moment, nothing mattered but the image of Hilde's smile as he handed her back her precious beret.

~~~

Her instructor gave a quick glance backward and nodded off to Hilde. She promptly started fixing the harness to her body. He ran a hand through his platinum blond hair as he stared at his watch. "Hurry up, Mädchen. You don't have all day!"

Despite his obvious insinuation, Hilde couldn't prevent the grateful tears from filling her eyes as she checked her harness one last time. "Ja, it's all right," she choked out.

He immediately noticed her face, but instead of making another innuendo about girls like her and useless tears, he placed a gentle hand on her cheek. "What's wrong Schatz?"

Hilde shook her head, not wanting him to see her weakness. But the question still came. "I'll never see you again, will I?"

His hand fell from her face. Hilde looked up questioningly.

Number Eleven was looking away, his face holding an expression Hilde only saw during his rarest, most vulnerable moments. He looked sentimental, yet at the same time was filled with determination. "With all luck, I hope you never come face to face with me or any of Anton Gunther's men. You deserve so much more than that."

Against her wishes, the tears fell from her face. "I'll come back for you one day."

He bit his lip, sage eyes narrowing in fractional weakness. Her instructor then turned to her, cradling her face in his hands. "No, you can't. It's too late for me to be saved, Schatz. But you," his eyes sparkled with long unshed tears. The first Hilde had ever seen in a person from the Base before, "You can go places. You can still save other people."

Hilde protested, "But—"

"Stop acting like an idiot, Hilde Schbeiker. I didn't train you to be one." Instructor bit out harshly as he looked away. Hilde sighed in desperation as she realized that she never really found out his name, and that he rarely called her by her full name. This is going to be it. Their last moment together.

"Nein," she whispered. "You didn't raise me to be one."

He paused at the word, but went on looking for something in one of his coat pockets. "You have eighteen seconds left."

Hilde didn't care. "Ich liebe Sie, Instructor."

She thought she heard a choke, but she wasn't sure whom it came from: her or the person before her.

"Dummkopf," he let out in a voice unusually full of emotions. "But you should know how I feel, Mädchen."

Twelve seconds. He brought out a beret that was of a vibrant red colour and dumped it on her head. "What—" she yelled out angrily despite her tears.

He chuckled. "Never forget the lessons you learned from me Schatz. Let this remind you of all that you know. I hope that wearing it will help you make the right decisions. All that you need to know is in that cap."

Hilde barely had time to look at the item, but she carefully folded it up inside a pocket. "I'll never forget," she promised solemnly. Her face broke out into a wry grin. "You intended for it to be a cap, didn't you? You always loved holding things over my head."

He shrugged nonchalantly, trying to look innocent. "I wanted it to be red. You always loved the colour as a child. Maybe that explains the obsession with apples."

"Hund!" The last time I can insult him, she realized. Six seconds. In perfect timing, she hoisted herself over the window.

"Good bye." She struggled with the words.

Five seconds. He pulled on her bangs for the last time. "Good bye…Schatz."

At four seconds, she let go.

~~~

Hilde awoke with tears of regret on her face. She sighed in guilt. Why did she have to leave the beret back in the park? It would be hard to find it now! She needed it so much and had never parted with it. The beret helped her think through her hardest times and had brought her good luck in a lot of ways. It helped her remember.

The dream taunted her. And she raised herself over the bed, vaguely recalling the phrase her Instructor had written. Folgen Sie ihren Träumen.

Follow your dreams.

Choking, she tore off the blankets from herself. She couldn't bear having it away from her any longer. God help her, she needed it now. She didn't care for rest; she had to bring back that cap…

Hilde passed by Heero's room and suddenly remembered his logical words. She couldn't look for it now. By goodness, it was already three in the morning. Hilde groaned as she leaned on his door at this realization. But all thoughts were stopped when she fell back as the door opened.

Muttering angry words, Hilde lifted herself up, wondering to herself about how queer it was that Heero didn't lock his room…

She gasped, then turned around. Heero's room was empty. Where in the world—

The slamming of the door from downstairs took her attention. Heero? She dashed downstairs, worried. In her mind, she was preparing a long rebuke—it was him who had insisted she rest, thus causing her to let go of her search for the beret, but now, he was the one out at such an hour. That thought prevented her from panicking too much.

Nothing prepared her for the sight before her.

His vision was blurred dangerously when Heero shut the door behind him. The sound pounded in his head. Damn it. He needed sleep.

He glanced at the object he held in his hand. It would be worth it.

If only he could see her.

Heero struggled to hide a cough. He knew that he was really losing control this time, physically, as well as emotionally. Strange, all that he could think of was her… and her image sustained him despite his fatigue.

"Heero?" Hilde's trembling voice was merely above a whisper.

And he met her dark sapphire eyes, sparkling with a semblance of tears.

The strands in your eyes that colour them wonderful stop me and steal my breath.

Hilde placed a quivering hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her uncontrolled gasp of surprise.

Heero watched her back, eyes glittering with an unnameable passion underneath half-closed lids. He leaned his other shoulder on the wall beside him, revealing his tiredness. Telling droplets fell from his body. He could no longer afford to take another step, so it seemed. Yet despite all this, there was an accomplished, even joyful grace to his posture.

And in his hand lay her beret, dripping wet but safe.

And she couldn't contain her tears any longer. No one, no one, had ever done so much for her. Others may have saved her and given her what she needed to survive, but she now knew that nothing… would ever, ever mean as much to her as this craziness had.

"Heero…" she repeated as he lifted the beret to her. She shook her head blindly. I'm not worth it. Heero had looked for it. He knew how much it meant to her but ordered her to leave it alone… only to look for it himself. How could she have known? Why would he…

Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky, never revealing their depth.

"You are crazy, Heero." Hilde choked out, not bothering to wipe her tears. "Why did you do this—knowing that you are tired, yourself. This has to be your stupidest, most impulsive decision ever! And I, and I…"

"I got you your beret back." He whispered back.

"I can't care less about it now!" She moaned back. "It's you! You've done this much… Why? Heero, you could have gotten hurt. Why did you really do this?"

It couldn't really be for me. No one would ever do such a stupid thing for me. Ever.

She suddenly recoiled at the thought. Stupid. Heero would do stupid things for her. Only Heero would.

And then she knew… she knew.

Then when she raised her eyes to meet his once more, a trace of a tear made its way down his cheek.

Tell me that we belong together, dress it up with the trappings of love.

There was disbelief in her eyes. Proud, opinionated, headstrong Hilde didn't understand that he had actually done this for her.

Had she always thought so low of herself? Heero would never believe saving, tone-deaf guardian angels like her would feel that insecure when it came to things like this. But what would he know? Even he, himself, still couldn't fully believe that he would do such a thing for someone.

But for her, he would.

And Hilde Schbeiker didn't deserve that look of touched astonishment on her face. Heero could forget his own worth, as long as she knew how special she really was.

Damn it, Duo Maxwell, he kept to himself. Why didn't you take care of her well enough? Why didn't you help her face her own demons? Why have you left her so scared and insecure?

Maybe it was the reason Heero was there. To make her feel that she was worth something—and so much more.

I really am sick, he thought bitterly. He was taking on all of Hilde's useless ideals.

Because you want to.

Because he needed to.

She made him whole; she made him human. And at that thought, a tear fell carelessly from his betraying eyes.

You're my survival, you're my living proof my love is alive, not dead.

And now, she was asking him why he had done this all for her.

Heero whispered the only answer he knew he would tell her. The truth.

"I wanted to see you smile."

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

Hilde couldn't speak as his words reached her ears. She couldn't even think logically. All that she knew was Heero, his words, and even his simple presence in the room. Never had she felt so complete, so…

Loved...

And she ran to him, sobbing uncontrollably as she did so. No words came from her lips. She could only hold on tight to him. To this incredible person who made her feel so much…

And she felt his hands on her hair, stroking her, as if it was the only way he could express how he felt.

I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be love suicide. I'll be better when I'm older.

"I'm sorry…" he began, his voice hoarse. "For making you worry."

And she shook her head, angrily, tiredly, joyfully, lovingly… "I—"

I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

"I understand now." He spoke, cutting her off. He placed unsteady fingers on her face as she looked up. And when Hilde rewarded him with a smile that spoke so much, he responded in kind.

And there, Hilde saw the first genuine smile that Heero had ever given her. One that was without mockery, without intent. One that showed genuine joy.

And with that, he closed his eyes and collapsed against her.

~~~

"Oh God!" Hilde prayed urgently as she dragged Heero's limp body to his bedroom.

Suddenly given strength that her years of training failed to supply her, she hauled him over to the bed, not wasting time to touch his forehead. He was burning up. Hilde felt tears rising to her eyes again. "Damn it, Heero Yuy! Why don't you ever take care of yourself?"

Her vision blurred with tears as she stared at his pale face. Because of you, a voice from within accused her. Nein! She shook her head, ignoring the tremendous guilt within her. It wouldn't help Heero if she would spend her time in misery. She had to assess the situation.

No matter how unbearable it was.

Hilde dashed out of his room, heading towards hers to fetch a thermometer. She had to be sure of his situation. He was coughing a bit earlier, but she was unsure whether it was from sickness or emotion. It simply couldn't be that alone. Hilde remembered noticing how little Heero usually slept. There was no mistaking those prominent, dark curves underneath his eyes at times. When she mentioned it to him once, he had glared at her so threateningly that she never brought it up again. He had been tired this day as well. Fatigue.

Hilde ran a hand up her dishevelled hair and shook her head against another onslaught of self-blame. For him, she reminded herself steadily. And then, there was the fact that he had gone out in the rain earlier to look for her beret. It was also frigidly cold outside, and when diseases were in season in the colonies, they spread like fire, what with the recycled air they used. The coldness could lower body immunity responses. Goodness, she thought helplessly. What if he caught the flu?

She inserted the sterilized thermometer into his mouth and placed a hand over her face as she waited patiently. And in the wake of the deafening silence, she started to pray. She needed Him now; she needed strength. She didn't know if she could do this alone. A doctor was out of the question in this weather, and their identities would definitely be at risk.

By God, she didn't know what she would do if anything wrong happened to Heero now. He meant too much to her; she couldn't let go of him now. She muffled a sob and prayed even more urgently. Yet she knew that God would only help her if she started on her own. She had to do something. Bracing herself for the inevitable, Hilde prayed for guidance and removed the thermometer.

102ºF

Hilde warded off a choke.

Sighing, she closed her eyes began to plan. Heero would make it. She wasn't a doctor but she promised herself that she would make sure of that.

She opened her eyes and dried her tears. It was time to get to work.

~~~

Hilde sighed as she dropped off Heero's wet clothes on the hamper. It had been very, very hard getting off his wet clothes and dressing him up with dry comfy ones. Being caught between blushing, looking away, and commiserating every time she felt his feverish skin was not exactly comfortable, but knowing that she had actually done something made her feel a little better.

What now?

She struggled to remember her Instructor's words. In disturbing irony, she had her sloppy red beret on her head now. For all the trouble Hilde had caused through it, she still needed its luck and significance to get her through this dilemma.

Hilde was deep in thought as she walked back to Heero's room. Instructor had given her valuable lessons about treatments in case of certain common diseases – fever and influenza being some of them. Anything could happen in a mission, so he had said, and it was disgraceful to die because of a puny virus.

Now if she could recall his words…

When Hilde reached the room, she gasped when she noticed Heero shaking with chills. Her eyes widened in panic, but she launched herself to the side of the bed to confirm her thoughts. Darn it, he was very cold. She needed to do something, now!

Let the body tell you what to do. While stacking up underneath sheets is actually not required to lower a fever, if a person is having chills, it is imperative to do so.

Nodding at herself, she drew a blanket over Heero's prone form. She had him dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts, so she knew it would require more than a thin blanket to stop the chills. It was only after she settled him underneath another blanket that the tremulous shuddering stopped.

Hilde placed another hand on his head and discovered that his temperature had gone higher. Feeling her anxiety overtake her senses once more, she sat down on the bed helplessly. Was she even helping?

Calm down, she told herself as she shut her eyes. Fevers can do the body good. Raised body temperatures enhance the immune response against viruses. She was doing all that she could according to what she knew of the source of the sickness and the symptoms he was displaying. She needed Heero to tell her how he felt so that she could fully recognize what disease he had.

Just as she had conjured the thought, a muffled sound reached her, and she whirled around to see Heero turning. She drew nearer on the bed and reached him just as his eyes opened. "Heero."

~~~

When his consciousness became alert, the first thing he recognized was the soreness in his throat. It bothered him. He had a pounding headache, and he felt as if his eyelids were being heavily pressed against his eyes. His muscles ached, and he couldn't move well. His joints were stiff.

He had never felt this weak before.

And that was when the despair came.

Weak. He couldn't recall why that word scared him so much, or why he was feeling this way. He couldn't even bother recalling his name. He was too much in pain; too uncomfortable with his situation.

And he felt so alone.

Gritting his teeth, he struggled to open his eyes – only to find his vision vastly limited, for it was dark and the images he was seeing were hazy. But then he heard a name being whispered. "Heero."

His name. Her voice.

He immediately turned to his side, finding her hovering above him, her face filled with grief and remorse. But her small smile told him of her relief. Immediately, he felt redeemed. He had never woken up to find someone waiting beside him. Someone like her, that was… anxiously by his side, eyes faintly red from crying. She had been crying… because of him?

He couldn't recognize how he felt, couldn't tell what had happened, or what exactly was happening. He couldn't even tell her name. He was lost in the present. He could only be aware of his discomfort and her pain…

And it was then when he felt a comforting trail of coolness on his skin. Then there was more, and more… Her eyes widened and she traced a hand on the fresh pattern on his skin. "H-heero…" she began.

It was then when he realized that he was crying.

But he never cried, something within him protested. But he couldn't stop himself—he couldn't control his emotions. He cried because of the pain in his throat, because of the damning pounding in his head. He cried because he felt weak. He cried because she had also cried for him, he cried because she looked so tired, so worried.

But deep down inside, he knew that he was crying for himself.

Because he had never cried before, because he was so scared for himself. He cried because they hurt him, because they took away his humanity. He cried because he had killed, because he had hurt others. He cried because he let a woman slip through his fingers, because he had loved her.

And then the girl before him placed a gentle hand on his cheek. He burrowed himself in her comforting palm, brushing desperate lips on it. He wanted to reach out to her, but he couldn't move…

And he needed her. He needed the woman holding him to survive, to live.

But he knew that he could never have her.

And for that, more tears fell.

~~~

Hilde stared at him, miserable as tears fell from his unfocused eyes. He doesn't know what he's doing, she realized. He didn't even recognize her in the beginning. He looked so unsure, so scared…

"I'm here, Heero." She whispered as he hid half of his face in her hand. "Don't leave me. You deserve so much more than this. I'm sorry for doing this to you. But please, just don't leave me now."

And at this, she removed her hand from his cheek. Despite his childlike, yet almost violent protest, she shushed him and placed both of her hands on his hot one. "I need you Heero. I don't care if you hate me when you come back, even if you call me hotheaded and tone-deaf, I wouldn't care. Just take care of yourself for once and… be better. By goodness, please!"

For a brief moment, his hand tightened on hers. And despite his confused eyes, he raised it to her cheek, letting it linger there for a moment. But when Hilde placed her hand over his, it slackened. He had fallen asleep again.

Suddenly, he started shivering once more. Hilde's eyes widened and she tore out of the room to retrieve another blanket. Through her blurred vision, she tried to cease his pain.

And when she finally calmed Heero down, Hilde fell down on the floor beside the bed and started to cry uncontrollably.

~~~

When Heero found consciousness this time, he easily recognized who he was and what was happening. He had foggy memories about waking up, or the events of the night before, yet his awareness about his identity and symptoms pushed his curiosity about those recollections away.

But as strange as it was, he actually felt comfortable.

That was when the hand against his cheek moved to caress him once more. Heero's eyes opened instantly. Hilde. He recalled looking for her beret and walking on the streets back home, but after that, his memories eluded him.

When he looked up, he found the faint glows of the dawn's light slipping through the curtains. He moved to his right and found Hilde beside him, her head laid on the mattress and her hand on his face. His hand was covering hers. A rare blush stained his cheeks. He felt hot.

She opened her eyes and smiled sleepily at him. "Guten Morgan, Sleepyhead. I hope you're feeling better."

Despite the teasing voice, Heero found deep traces of anxiousness underneath her voice. As if his answer to her question really mattered. It was as if she was worrying he wouldn't answer her… in his normal way?

"I don't know," he croaked out, frowning at his hoarse voice. "What happened?"

Hilde's smile grew, and he could tell that she was infinitely relieved. She shook her head mutely, and Heero could make out tears forming in her eyes once more. Once more?

"Don't cry," he whispered in a hesitant, vain attempt to get her to stop crying. He disliked seeing her like this.

"I know," she choked out, smiling at him through her weary eyes. "I just couldn't help it. I waited all night long for you to wake up. I had to make sure…"

Heero's eyebrow raised. "Make sure of what?"

She gave a deep, watery laugh, one that echoed inside him. "Now I'm sure I definitely have you back. You're as snappy as always." Then she choked again and wiped her tears.

Heero watched on helplessly as she composed herself. Reaching out to the bedside table with her other hand, she balanced a tray precariously towards the bed. "Here, drink this."

It was then when Heero discovered that he was still holding her hand gingerly on his cheek. He immediately released her and looked away, fearing the look on her face. Yet, the absence of her hand made him realize how much he felt right with it beside him. No wonder waking up seemed better despite his discomforts.

"Come on, baby – take some aspirin!" she cooed teasingly. And when Heero turned to glare at her, she winked at him. It still didn't fail to take his notice that her lips were still trembling, as if she was very, very grateful to be having this sparring match with him.

When Heero tentatively took the pill, Hilde began. "I gave you only one because I'm still unsure of your sickness. Can you tell me how you feel?"

Nodding, Heero related the sore throat, aching muscles and pounding headache. She had confirmed that he had the cough, but it seemed gone already.

"Darn it, Heero. You have the flu." She scolded him, but seemed immensely pleased that they had finally named his disease.

Unsure of what to say, Heero responded with a hesitant, "I'm sorry."

Hilde's eyes returned to him, and she shook her head as they filled again. She drew nearer to him and enveloped him in a tight hug. Letting go of his defensive hold on himself, he found himself returning the hug and placing gentle kisses on her hair. "Hilde… you don't need to cry for me."

"I know…" she whispered. "But still… thank you again Heero, for going for the beret, but more importantly, thank you for coming back to me."

Heero didn't know why, but he tightened his hold on her.

Hilde soon released him and smiled. Soon, she started coddling him like a protective hen would her chicks. He sighed as she returned back to normal, then told her he felt uncomfortably hot. She complied easily by removing the blankets until he felt comfortable. When Heero had asked about his clothes, she blushed like a bride and ordered him to go back to sleep.

Heero gladly followed the command, but as his eyes closed, a soft, pleasing thought came to him. He had Hilde – he had someone to go back to.

~~~

Hilde smiled to herself as she lifted Heero's finished dinner. He was unusually voracious after his sickness. She shook her head. He still slept during the general part of the day, only waking up at her touch to receive his medicine and take his meal. He seemed to be recovering quickly, though. Thank You God.

She sighed as she walked downstairs. She had been desperate when Heero fell asleep after his first waking. She thought they wouldn't make it. She could only break down into prayers of relief when Heero woke up again with the consciousness he lacked earlier. She had tried to calm herself before him, but inside, she couldn't stop her overwhelming joy. Ever since then, he started to recover. Slowly, but surely. Yet there was progress. At least this time, she was sure he would be better. She had been so worried…

Hilde started washing the dishes, but suddenly broke deep in thought. What was it about Heero? She knew that she cared, more deeply than she was willing to admit, but she still couldn't define their relationship. He really mattered to her, and she knew why, but she wasn't sure how far her affection for him went. But Hilde was aware that she was definitely passing some borders, even though unconsciously. She wouldn't deny the heady thrill she'd received when he tenderly kissed her palm, or her hair – even though he might have not been aware he was doing them.

What was their relationship?

It simply couldn't be the obligation she had given herself to help people in need—though that was how their relationship began. Hilde had always wanted to show people the kindness that was given to her when she needed it the most. It seemed like a sense of duty and gratefulness for her. She tried to repay the kindness she received by passing it on to other people. But if it had always been that, she would only go so far with Heero. Heck, he was the one helping her now! That spoke for itself.

Hilde frowned in concentration as she finished stacking the dishes and started to walk back upstairs. Was it friendship, then? Was it friendship that caused her to care so much for his appreciation, that made her want him to like her as she did him? Was it that which made her strive for his approval and that made her do so much for him? Was it simply friendship that made her blush like crazy whenever he stared at her or touched her? Was it that which made her try to understand him, accept him, dote and even cry for him? Was that enough to make him fill her thoughts all the time? Was that enough to make her feel so… special because of his words?

Hilde slowly became aware of the heat in her cheeks. Placing an incredulous hand on her face, she turned to the mirror in the hallway and saw her rose-stained face. What? She asked herself. She shook her head; maybe it was just her tiredness. Returning to her thoughts, she tried to casually walk back to Heero's room. Yeah, maybe it was friendship.

Instantly, her blush grew. She didn't know how she found out about that, but she felt the damn thing spread to her ears. She groaned. Fine! Denial never helped. There were still those confusing actions and feelings they both had the night before—thoughts that she decided to tuck away for the moment, but surely proved something. What she felt for him was definitely deeper than friendship, but she wasn't really sure what it was—much less how to call it. But for the moment, she stubbornly categorized it under the Great Friendship.

Besides, she told herself as she entered Heero's room. You have Duo.

She then stopped. Just why did she have to say that? Of course she had Duo! Saying that phrase, even though it was just in her mind, made her sound like she was worried about having serious feelings for Heero—which, of course, she didn't have.

It was then when she realized that it was the first time in weeks that she had thought of Duo's name without feeling a great pang of hurt.

Was that a good sign? Hilde shrugged and convinced herself it was. Grinning to herself for having solved her little problem, Hilde turned to gather the used blankets beside Heero's bed. And when she turned away, her eyes fell on his face.

Heero looked so peaceful and undisturbed in his sleep, an obvious contrast to his suffering expression earlier. Hilde smiled in relief; things were really going to be okay. The softness of the expression on his unguarded face proved that. His lips curved perfectly to form something which almost seemed like a contented smile, and his dark lashes brushed his flushed cheeks tenderly. He looked handsome.

The thought caused her to nearly drop her sheets. What the heck was that?

But hey, why was she scared to admit it? It was the truth: Heero was a handsome man—not only for his seriously good looks but also for his deep, mysterious, personality. Too bad he didn't smile too often. He would surely look a lot better with it…

Hilde stopped herself. What? Heero, smiling often? Then what would that do to her weak heart! Goodness, if she could turn into goo at the slightest quirking of his lips, heck even at his image in his sleep, how much worse would it be for her when he started smiling all the time? Remembering his smile when he returned the beret made her go weak in the knees. Heero was more than handsome, he was beautiful. His looks had a classic appeal to it that made it so hard not to be attracted to him, even in the slightest degree.

It was a good thing Heero Yuy didn't bother much about looks and contact as much as Duo had. Otherwise, it would turn her into a blundering little… fool (she allowed the pun this time). Heck, it was a wonder Heero didn't have someone now.

Relena, Hilde thought sadly, briefly wondering about what it was which caused their separation. Duo had once told her that despite Heero's reservations, he still had a strong devotion, possibly even love for Relena Darlian. Now Hilde knew that there had truly been love. But what in the world happened for them to be—

Stop. She had no right intruding in their business. If Heero had problems, it would be up to him to let her know. And likewise, she supposed she also didn't have the right to feel so safe and extraordinary whenever he was around her, or to lose all sense of logical thought whenever he happened to touch her…

"Halt!" she yelled out to stop her running thoughts, suddenly forgetting the sleeping man in the same room. She stomped her foot down, suddenly on the onslaught of a rare (yes, rare! she insisted angrily) sulk-session.

Yes! Heero Yuy's smile may captivate her, and his mere touch might paralyse her and turn her into mush, but that didn't matter.

They were just friends, she reminded herself. She viewed him as such, and that was that. Suddenly eager to get out of the room, she began to walk towards the door. But as she approached it, a memory brought out Howard's voice to her thoughts.

"Look, Hilde girl, whatever you've been doing, it might be enough to convince yourself, but not me. I know what I see. You may have been denying it, as stubborn as you are, but I have these words for you: You. Are. In. Love. With. Him."

Hilde grumbled as she remembered the circumstances that evoked Howard's words. So she might have been denying her feelings for Duo Maxwell that time, but still, Howard's words hadn't been a good joke. It turned her into a… blundering little fool.

Suddenly, the meaning of her sudden words reached her.

She froze, then turned wide eyes back to Heero's form on the bed. Could she be simply denying herself the truth?

No! Nein! I am not in love with Heero Yuy, she told herself, ignoring the fact that the phrase, combined with her earlier thoughts sounded incredibly stupid.

But you could.

The choking silence that accompanied the thought almost overwhelmed her. But Hilde had to be honest to herself on this subject; she owed Heero that much. How could she not have feelings for him after all that they had been through, after all the hidden beauty and tenderness she discovered in him? How could she not fall for someone who was willing to do so much for her? And all of these were further asserted by the act that Heero did for her by looking for her cap last night. But even without those actions, she knew she would have felt the same. She wasn't in love with Heero, she insisted. But Hilde knew that she… could, and she would.

If she didn't do anything about it.

Hilde stomped out of the room, clutching the sheets frantically. She should stay away – that was it. She needed to put distance in their relationship. Heck, there was still Duo, then there was Relena, they mattered, too. She could avoid all of this by simply preventing herself from being too attached to Heero. Yes, that was the only solution.

It was then when the traitorous reasoning in her head voiced out, That was exactly what Heero had been doing, the same thing that made you mad at him.

"Well spit!" Hilde muttered out in frustration. But it was the truth… oh how ironic. She then and there promised that she was never going to talk to herself again; doing so confused her too much.

But of one thing she was sure: now was not the time to run away. And she shouldn't walk away from Heero; that was not the right solution. But just as well, now was also not the time to be confused about her emotions, or to fall in love. She was currently in trouble with her past. She couldn't afford a problem like this; it was too risky.

In your romance books, you always enjoyed it whenever the heroes came to rescue the women during their troubles.

Despite her earlier promise, Hilde gave a humorously dark smile. That hit her. "Auch."

~~~

Hilde shook her head at Heero distastefully as she looked at the disaster before him. "Heero, you do know that to 'beat' has an entirely different meaning in baking, don't you?"

Heero's lips quirked to something that resembled a sheepish grin as he stared at the mush before him that was supposed to be flour, eggs and cocoa. He shrugged as he pushed the blasted mixing bowl away from him and Hilde smirked as she took it and emptied its contents in the trash. "I take it you don't. Darn it, we're going to have ants, but it was worth it. I just can't believe you didn't ask me about it."

It was Heero's turn to smirk this time, "You were the one who gave that useless condition for me to bake. Besides, I've earned a dislike for questions."

Hilde smiled as returned back to her decent work in the counter. "It was a good deal. If you were well enough to train me despite your sickness, surely you'd be well enough to make an attempt at baking. You should still be in bed, silly." She began to mix the batter while Heero sighed in resignation. Hilde's brow raised at that. "And why don't you like questions?"

Heero's eyes closed mockingly as he answered, "There are many reasons, 'How are you feeling?' being one of them. Then there's 'Are you sure you're okay?' 'Did you take your medicine?' 'Do you need anything?' and other choice examples I am not willing to mention."

"Why you—" Heero opened his eyes to catch the rag the angry German had thrown at him, allowing himself a grin at her display of temper. It had been true, though. Ever since his sickness two days ago, Hilde had doted on him day and night, making sure of his recovery. It had been awkward at first, with Heero being exasperated by her extreme carefulness. But it had also been amusing, affectionate even. Heero never had someone care for him the way she did before.

Hilde pouted when he dropped the rag to the table, but shook her head jovially. "At least you're better now, I hope."

There was still a spark of worry in her eyes that affected him. "You got me cooking, ne? Of course I'm better. You don't have to worry."

Hilde winked at him, "Cooking is different from Baking, Hitler." Then she took the mixing bowl and brought it to the table so that she could stand before him. "Okay, okay, I won't worry anymore. But anyway, let's continue the discussion."

"It's your turn," he pointed out as she wiped her hands on the apron that concealed her petite figure. She wrinkled her nose at the stain, but turned to him with a mischievous grin. "I've never been to Japan."

Heero lifted his index finger, forming nine points in their game of 'I've Never,' another of Hilde's ridiculous, but equally satisfying suggestions. "I've never been to Germany."

"Auch," the girl bit out as their score tied, nine to nine.

Ever since his second awakening, the two of them had been inseparable, and definitely closer than before. It had been an effect of all the drama of the former day. And though Heero still couldn't remember what happened when he arrived home that night, he was content with the results. He ultimately felt at ease with Hilde, often finding himself letting go of all his emotional restrictions easily. Heero easily expressed his thoughts when he was around her, never feeling threatened by her presence—or her effect on him. There was an air of confidence between them, as if another stronger bond had formed between them.

The effect was mutual, too. Hilde looked better than he'd ever seen her in the time they'd spent together. She was more open, more sensitive. She seemed to have acquired a newfound freedom in their relationship. There were no more barriers between them; in fact, they found themselves taking liberties with each other and not minding it. Hilde had enlisted him in many of her new activities, and he agreed with her. Even when their conversations became too personal, there was no hostility or fear, only trust. They touched more often, too. It came so naturally, and felt so right, as if they were meant to do so. No one complained whenever she touched his cheek, or whenever he brushed his hand against hers, or pulled on her hair whenever he purposely goaded her, effectively masking the fact that he did so to feel the silky strands against his fingers.

Another thing was the fact that he found himself easily smiling more often. It was a new habit that surprised him, but Hilde seemed to like it. Heero knew that the explanation to the new action lay back on that night when he returned her beret. If only he could remember.

Only two foggy images returned to his mind whenever he tried to remember. One with Hilde smiling up at him, brilliant tears falling happily from her eyes, another with her holding his hand as she cried on the side of his bed. He dared not ask Hilde about it.

All that mattered was the air of contentment, freedom, affection and anticipation between them.

"Okay," Hilde paused thoughtfully as she started to roll out cookie balls. "Let me think of something really hard…"

But Hilde was stupid if she thought Heero would ever forget the words she'd told him the second time he awoke. Things were different this time, and she knew it too.

They were half a week behind schedule, but every time Hilde laughed with him or held his hand unconsciously, Heero found himself overlooking that fact. He didn't remember feeling more content than this in his life.

"I never wanted to be a soldier."

Heero's eyes rose to see her looking away from him. He shook his head and lowered his hands, not lifting a finger. He waited for her to speak.

Hilde looked on with unfocused eyes as she arranged the balls on the tray. "I guess it had never been my decision. I wasn't given a choice. But if things were different and I could choose, maybe, just maybe I would be…" She smiled, scraping off the remaining cookie dough, "A chef, or maybe a computer programmer. The subject I mastered the most was Math." She grinned absently, lost in a memory. But then she turned to Heero, "Or maybe a vet. I wanted to be one ever since Duo and I saw some rabbits in the market. But, hey…" She tilted her head at the speculating but warm look on Heero's face. "What about you, I thought…"

Heero, recently sentimental over her little dreams and how she would attain them, now stared at his fingers. Taking a deep breath, he revealed thoughts that had long been concealed in the recesses of his soul. "Being a soldier hadn't been a choice for me, myself. It had been my life… And I don't know what I could be other than a soldier because being one is all that I know. But if I could change it all… I would."

The resilient 'thump' of the wooden spoon falling on the table made him look up. Hilde was giving him a strange look, her eyes narrowed in uncertainty. "Never have regrets, Heero."

He watched on silently as she took the tray and crouched low near the oven to insert it in. "It's all right to have thoughts and preferences, but the least you can do for yourself is to not regret anything."

"That's harder than it sounds."

"I know. But you should be proud of who you are now, Heero, instead of torturing yourself. You should give yourself more credit, you know. You're too self-depreciating. You don't deserve that."

Heero stood up and approached her as she shut the oven door close. "Maybe I do."

She shook her head, giving a faint smile as she stared at the distance. "People like you are so rare, Heero, and so special. I'm lucky to have met someone like you. Not so many people would risk so much of their own lives for others."

Masaka, she made him feel as if he was really someone who hadn't done many wrongs, as if he was truly admirable. Heero nodded slowly at her words, genuinely pleased at the thought. He allowed himself a grin. "Does that include stupid things?"

He didn't see her, but he knew she was blushing from the way she spoke. "I guess that's a part of it. When a person does a stupid thing for someone out of genuine concern, you know that person deserves a good life, and so much more."

He stilled at those words. Hilde took a deep breath.

When she turned, she seemed surprised to see that Heero had offered his hand to her. Yet she gave him a grateful look and allowed him to pull her up. When they both stood at their level though, she tried to look away. But Heero had none of that and took her chin in his hand, gently turning her to face him. "You should speak for yourself too, Hilde."

Her eyes widened, and another blush coloured her pale cheeks. Heero offered her a smile and nodded solemnly, "Any person who could find people like me worth something definitely deserves a good life, and so much more. They are the people worth doing stupid things for."

Hilde quietly smiled at his words. Her thoughts might have made Heero think twice about the burdens he had bestowed on himself, but he was definitely sure that people like Hilde shouldn't feel the way she did. She breathed deeply and placed both her hands on his fist gratefully. "That's a thought."

"Good." Heero smirked and released her, striding back to the dining room table as she stared back at him. Inside, he was pleased, but there was always one victory he enjoyed the most.

"My turn. I could never cook."

Hilde sputtered at his sudden strike and stared at her fingers when she raised her last one. Realizing she had lost, she snorted at him and grabbed another rag to throw at him. "Baka."

He smirked as she started muttering about how unbelievable it was that she lost to him. He had one-upped her again, thus making her cutely upset. But the best part of it all was that she spoke in Japanese instead of German.

~~~

The place was as wonderful as it had been when Heero had last gone there. The manmade lake still shone beautifully in the night, and the rare fresh air swept over the surroundings, cultivating the slowly unfurling greenery around the place. The night left a hazy cerulean glow on the scene. It was the nearest thing the colony had to real life-filled nature. This was the serenity that belonged in the outskirts of Tirrill.

Heero paused as he trailed down the familiar rocky path, remembering the last time he'd gone there. It had been after he blew-up on Hilde because she lectured him on his unreasonable anger about the Preventers' announcement. He recalled their circumstances then. Had it only been a month and half ago? It seemed much longer than that.

"Heero-chan, hurry up!" Hilde's voice called out impatiently to him, and he scowled. The girl had found out another way to irritate him back. He should have known that there was a Japanese channel on their cable. So he took his sweet time following her, just to goad her as well.

When he finally arrived, Hilde wasn't upset, as he had expected. Rather, she was calm, silently watching the lake as she sat on the sandy bank. Heero quietly took his place beside her.

"So, what do you think?" she asked at last. It was already night, and they both agreed that they needed to get out of the house, so Hilde decided to bring him here.

Heero shrugged, "I've been here before."

Hilde looked at him disbelievingly, yet his silence convinced her that it was the truth. At this her face fell. "Oh."

He gave her a short glance, "That doesn't make the place any less spectacular."

Hilde nodded and smiled, releasing a relieved sigh. They both sat in companionable silence and kept still, allowing themselves to be steadied by the nocturnal milieu. And it felt good and very refreshing, Heero noted. Her warmth beside him easily comforted him. He closed his eyes against the breeze.

"Heero?"

"Hn."

There was a sentimental note in her voice. "Do you know why Tirrill is such a great place?"

Heero opened his eyes and faced her. "Because it is near the outer rim of the colony? Most of the colony's spaceports are located just on the other side of the town. Transportation and communication are easily available."

Hilde chuckled, elbowing him slightly. "That's a true and blue answer from your ever concise logic, Heero Yuy. But that's not it. You're near, though."

He raised his brow at her, "Then I give up. You're probably using your twisted logic again. That, I will never understand."

Hilde huffed at his answer and promptly lay back in the sand. As Heero awaited her answer, he was surprised when she suddenly pulled him down and caused him to fall ungraciously beside her. As he glared at her, she winked at him and said in a breathless voice,

"Look up."

And as she gestured to the heavens, Heero turned his eyes and saw the majestic bejewelled heavens. The stars shone brightly before them, lighting up the sky. He almost gasped at the image. To see the sky was a luxury very few colonists could afford. Most of them had to deal with the vast metal expanse of the colony's structure as a roof. Tirrill, being a town that belonged in the outer rim of the place, had its rare view of space and a share of genuine sunlight.

But to people like him, the beauty of space didn't matter all that much. Space had been simply a battleground. It was only now that he saw it for the scene it created.

"I see."

"Here," Hilde began in a voice filled with pride. "I can see my stars."

Heero started at the word. "Your stars?"

There was a faint tinge of embarrassment in her voice. "Uh, back then when I was a child, the only beautiful thing I could watch was the sky. In a way, it had been a source of comfort. Whenever I had drastic problems, or had seen or done something horrible, I would always climb up to the roof to see the stars."

Heero's eyes drifted to her as she spoke. "But why?"

"So that I could dream."

There was a delicate strain in her voice as she choked out those words. And at that, Heero returned his attention back to the stars, staring thoughtfully at them. Hilde needed her dreams to have hope; he finally understood that now. He, on the other hand, had discarded the possibility of dreaming a long time ago. Failed dreams brought so much hurt and disappointment.

Yet now, as he lay beside her watching the galaxies, he began to ponder if he was capable of having such again, if he could still have dreams and aspirations. Hope…

"Don't you ever dream, Heero?" Hilde's voice filtered to his ears. "Even in the slightest?"

"I'm not sure I should," he answered steadily, honestly.

But she made him want to. By goodness she did.

"You could try, you know. I'm sure you wouldn't be disappointed." There was a wistful quality in her voice.

Heero took a deep breath and asked slowly, "How do you know for sure?"

He sounded so damn vulnerable, but he couldn't stop himself, not now that she started the topic. Hilde's hand suddenly sought his, and Heero found himself clutching it.

"God wouldn't let you down. He wouldn't want to intentionally hurt people like you. I know so."

Silence.

"You make me sound so… normal, Hilde. As if I had never been a Gundam pilot, or a killer," he whispered hoarsely. A sense of déjà vu filled him when a certain burning behind his eyes began. It was too difficult, and the situation was too fragile. He had never been this open about himself before. He closed his eyes.

Hilde seemed to be surprised because she paused. When she finally spoke, he felt his same emotions in her voice, though it was filled with warmth and affection. "That's strange. Because Heero, you make me sound so special."

Heero opened his eyes at her words. And the stars greeted him, Hilde's enchanting, mysterious and hauntingly beautiful stars.

Slowly, Heero lifted himself on his shoulder and gazed at her, watching as the stars reflected their lights in her eyes, infusing her sapphire eyes with the glow of space. A small smile lit on her face as she pondered on the intimate trail of their conversation. He was captivated.

Heero then whispered in words that only she would hear, "You make me want to dream when I had promised myself never to do so again."

Hilde looked at him, her eyes softening as she did so. "That's even stranger Heero… You make me feel as if I no longer need to dream cause I could have already found it."

Meaningful silence.

And finally, his heart spoke for him. "You make me feel as if I don't deserve to die after all that I have done," Heero whispered, hovering gently over her as he did so. His eyes reflected intense emotions that he had kept so sharply hidden before. "As if I can still be human. You make me hope…"

Hilde nodded, completing his words. As if she knew… as if she knew. Telling glints appeared underneath her eyes as she looked at him. "That's the strangest thing…" Her hand raised to his cheek as she struggled to speak, and Heero nuzzled it tenderly as he awaited her words. "You make me feel as if I… as if I actually deserve to live. That I have to live. You… give me hope."

Anticipating silence.

She needed him as much as he needed her. He filled her just as much as she filled him. The truth was revealed in the stillness of the night, and the knowledge enveloped them both. There was no more hesitation, no more fear. There was only unspeakable joy, only silent fulfilment.

Hilde released a shuddering breath as she gazed into his eyes, and Heero placed his hand on her cheek, thumbing away the tears that threatened to fall. Her other hand covered his, as she whispered his name in the darkness.

And finally, he leaned over her and touched his lips to hers. Her tears continued to fall, this time for a different reason as she wrapped her arms around him to draw him nearer.

Beautiful silence.

And above them, the stars watched.

End – Chapter Nine.