Chapter 11:

Sighing, Clarke dropped her bag carelessly onto the ground as she slumped against a tree. Only a few hours had passed since she had left Camp Jaha, but a few hours was all she needed to remember how absolutely horrible this whole exodus thing could be. Her stomach growled at her. She groaned in response.

If I go back now…

No. No, there's no going back now.

Not after running away for the second time. The only thing that made her feel more ashamed than that was the thought of coming home again.

Clarke scoffed at herself. She had been so stupid to think that she could just go 'home' and act like 'normal old Clarke Griffin' again. 'Normal old Clarke Griffin' didn't exist, not anymore.

During her first exodus, she had run into some apparently nomadic Grounders who were traders. They had recognized her, had told her that her name was being spread throughout the 12 clans and even the Ice Nation. They had called her 'Wanheda'.

The Commander of Death.

The name had forcefully imprinted itself into her soul as soon as they spoke it. She hurriedly finished trading and ran as far away from the traders as she could. Although she had vomited repeatedly, Clarke still could not get the taste of death out of her mouth. Screaming into the dirt, she tried to block the word from her mind, but to no avail. After a few hours, Clarke gave up. She accepted the fact that that title would always follow her like a ghost, sneaking into her dreams and infiltrating her thoughts.

Clarke fully avoided Grounders after that. They left her alone, much to her surprise. She wondered if that was because they were afraid of her, or because Lexa had commanded them to leave her be.

Lexa…Clarke thought absentmindedly. During the first few weeks of her exile, Clarke had planned on walking straight into Lexa's village, into her tent, and plunging a knife into her heart, and twisting.

Because that was what it had felt like when she betrayed her.

Ultimately, she didn't, of course, mostly because she didn't know if she would actually be able to do it. The cold, rational part of her told her that Lexa had made the wisest choice she could have made, one to save all of her people. The rest of her argued that it didn't matter what the wisest choice was. They had formed an alliance. A friendship. Maybe even the beginning of a relationship. And in one second, Lexa had shattered it all. Clarke had spent far too much time thinking about the 'what-if's' that would apply if Lexa had not betrayed her.

If she hadn't, Finn's death would not have been for nothing. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have had to murder every single person in Mount Weather. If she hadn't, maybe she wouldn't be out here, alone in the middle of the forest, again.

Harsh edges of bark poked into Clarke's head uncomfortably. She sighed once more, thinking about the reasons why she was seeking refuge in the forest this time.

That morning, Clarke had told Octavia to sleep a little longer in order to give the hangover a chance of wearing off. Watching Octavia sleep, Clarke had furrowed her brow. Although she had seemed friendly at the party the night before, Clarke couldn't help but feel a lingering resentment behind Octavia's smiles and hugs. Biting her lip, Clarke told herself she would talk to the youngest Blake about it, right after she talked to the oldest Blake.

She wanted to tell Bellamy how much last night had meant to her. Bellamy had stayed with her, talked to her, and Clarke hadn't realized how much she had needed that, especially from him, until that morning.

As she had walked to his tent, she felt a smile growing across her face as she remembered him carrying her back to the medbay. Stuck between the worlds of consciousness and sleep, she remembered feeling safe in his arms. She remembered thinking, We are going to get through this. And when we do, we'll be better than ever.

Her smile was smacked harshly off of her face as soon as she walked into his tent, however. Dark brown, messy curls spilled into Bellamy's sleeping face. Pressed tightly next to him was a slender frame, one that belonged to Echo. Her hand rested on his chest, and her head was tucked under Bellamy's chin.

Clarke had just stood there, blinking. A familiar tightness grew in her chest and she found herself feeling incredibly betrayed, nauseous, angry, and hurt. She knew Bellamy was with Echo, so why, why was she having such a strong, shocked reaction to seeing her in his bed?

A thought crept into her mind before she could stop it.

Does he love her?

As soon as it had crossed her mind, she turned around and walked out of his tent. Tears had stung her eyes and she hated herself for feeling whatever the hell it was she was feeling. Suddenly, it was all too much for her.

Her mom, Jasper, Monty, Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, and everyone and everything else was just too much for her. She found herself thinking it would have been better if she had never returned. Then, she found herself thinking it would be better if she left again. Better for her, better for them, better for everyone.

It had taken her only about twenty minutes to pack extra supplies, write a quick goodbye note to Raven, and lie to the guards about going on an assignment from Kane. She walked out the gate, and for the second time, she hadn't looked back.

Now she was here, back in the forest. She sighed yet again, feeling mentally and physically exhausted. Closing her eyes, she felt herself drifting into sleep.

I'll just sleep for a few minutes, she told herself. Then I'll head towards the Dropship.

When she woke, the sun was still high in the sky, warming her cheeks with a lazy heat often found during the last few days of fall. Squinting, she looked around, remembering where she was.

Clarke didn't know exactly how long she had been asleep for. All she did know was that she was hallucinating again.

Across from her, leaning against a tree, sat Bellamy. Or rather, a hallucination of Bellamy. He studied her with a tired expression on his face, apparently waiting for her to speak first. Clarke blinked harshly in an attempt to make the illusion disappear.

"Weird." Clarke muttered to herself. "Usually my hallucinations are of dead people."

Realizing what she said, fear gripped her heart, and she quickly asked, "Are—are you dead?" When the hallucination didn't reply, she glanced at her hands, asking, "Am I dead?"

At that, Hallucination Bellamy dropped his gaze. He was twirling a stick between his dirt covered fingers. "I don't know." He sighed, his rough voice ringing loudly in her ears, disturbingly clear.

Clarke rubbed her eyes, hoping he would be gone when she opened them again. She was losing it again, the line between reality and illusion was blurring together messily as it often did.

Opening her eyes, she saw that he had not disappeared. She bit her lip. If this was another one of her hallucinations, she would just talk to it, usually that made them go away.

"Sometimes I feel dead." She confessed.

"Me too." Hallucination Bellamy replied quietly.

Dropping her eyes to her lap, she said, "I left. Again." She twisted her fingers together. "I bet you hate me."

"No, I don't." He thought for a moment. "But sometimes I feel like I do."

Curious to see what her illusion would say, she prompted, "Sometimes?"

He snapped the stick in half, and the sound echoed loudly through the forest. Bluntly, he said, "Yeah, sometimes. Because sometimes you do stupid things like leave Camp and go into the forest all by yourself."

Chuckling softly, Clarke thought about how Bellamy would totally say something like that to her. This hallucination was pretty accurate.

He threw the broken pieces of the twig to the ground. "And sometimes you don't say goodbye."

Clarke made an 'o' shape with her mouth. "About that—"

"Don't even say that you did, because this—" from his pocket he pulled out the note she had written Raven, throwing it over to her, "—this isn't saying goodbye, Clarke."

Mouth hanging open, Clarke stared at the note that had landed by her feet. Swallowing at the sight of it, she thought, Maybe this isn't a hallucination after all.

Heart jumping in her chest, she ignored the note and slowly stood up. Walking tentatively towards Bellamy, she kneeled beside him. With extreme caution and obvious hesitation, Clarke moved her hand towards his cheek. If he was a hallucination, he would disappear once she touched him.

Before her fingers could reach his freckled, tanned skin, his hand shot up, grabbing her wrist in a very real, non-hallucinatory way.

In a voice that was less than a whisper and that was more than surprised, she gasped, "Bellamy?"

At the sound of his name, he turned to look at her. His brown eyes were swirling with so many emotions Clarke felt dizzy just looking at them. They were filled with relief, frustration, and so, so much confliction.

Clearing her throat, she said evenly, "I told you not to come after me."

Tracing light circles onto her wrist, Bellamy's thumb came to rest on her pulse, as if to convince himself that she was just as real and alive as he was, that she, too, was not a hallucination.

"No." He shook his head. "No, you told Raven to tell me not to come after you."

Clarke looked away. She wanted to hug him, to bury her face into his shoulder and cry because she was so, so happy to see him. But, she was also irritated to see him here. Likely, he was here to bring her back to Camp, which was something that Clarke wasn't going to do, no matter what he said.

Yanking out of his grasp, she got up and walked over to her pack. Picking it up, she slung it over her shoulders. Growing increasingly annoyed at the thought of him being here to try and convince her to go back to Camp, her irritation was clearly pronounced in the question she directed at him.

"Why are you here, Bellamy?"

"Why do you think?" He replied, equally as annoyed.

Clarke rolled her eyes. She hated how similar they were to each other.

"I think you're here to try and convince me to go back." She picked up the note, folding it before shoving it into her pack. "I'm not going back." She stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I can see that." Bellamy muttered.

Clarke glared at him.

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes at her. Bellamy tilted his head. "Look, we don't have to go back." He left the 'yet' unspoken. "But if we're going to make it the Dropship before nightfall, we better start walking. We can argue about this later."

She glanced at the ground, thinking for a few moments before replying.

"Okay."

Cocking an eyebrow at her quiet and pacified response, Bellamy asked, "What, that's it?" He paused. "You're not going to make me leave?"

She shook her head. "No. Why would I? You never made me stay."

Narrowing his eyes at her suspiciously, he said, "Right…" He cleared his throat. "Uh, let's get going then."

Clarke had thought that the silence of the forest was deafening when she was all by herself. Nope, she thought, the silence is definitely louder now than it had been before. She swore she could feel Bellamy's emotions radiating off of him, and she was sure he was fighting the urge to tell her exactly how he felt about her leaving Camp Jaha again. It was uncharacteristic of him to be so hesitant to say what was on his mind, and that worried her…a lot.

"Watch your step." Bellamy warned as they began walking down a declining ridge.

Keeping her eyes trained on the rocks in front of her, she said, "I thought you were a hallucination."

He glanced at her. "I know."

She bit her lip. "You said that sometimes you felt dead."

The silence grew louder, and Clarke thought that Bellamy might not answer.

"So did you."

"Yeah." She whispered tightly.

The two of them walked towards the river in silence after that. Hours passed, and Clarke must have glanced over at him a hundred times, waiting for him to say something, anything. But he just stayed silent, meeting her gaze every once in a while. Sometimes he would clear his throat, and Clarke's pulse quickened as she mentally prepared herself for the argument she was expecting…but he would just keep walking, not saying a word besides the occasional comment on the terrain.

After a few agonizingly quiet and strained hours went by, Clarke wished for the thousandth time that Bellamy would just get it over with already. The more time passed, the more anxious Clarke felt. Right now, both of them were reaching deep down into their souls and waking up painful memories and bitter feelings that had long lay dormant, getting them ready for the inevitable argument they would soon play large parts in, that much she knew. What she didn't know, however, was how this argument would begin, or how it would end.

The more she thought about it, the more she didn't want to know.

A/N- Two chapters will be uploaded today since it took me so long to do the last one. Also, I wrote and rewrote and wrote and rewrote these two chapters, so please tell me what you think. I had like a few different drafts where they had like a really fluffy reunion and others where they had a huge argument but in the end, all of them felt too OOC and extreme, so this is the one that felt the most right for the story I want to tell. Also I felt like Lexa needed to be mentioned. If you find mistakes, let me know! If you're confused about why they didn't have a heated argument right away, let me know! Don't worry, a heated argument is definitely on the horizon for these two.

PLEASE REVIEW! it helps motivate me to finish chapters sooner. Also, thanks to the reviewer who mentioned the Octavia/Clarke thing. I tried to add a little mention of it at the beginning of this chapter, so we will see a better, more thought-out reconciliation between the two. See, reviews are awesome! Tell me what you want to see/don't want to see/ like/ don't like/ etc. To the reviewer who thought Echo would be a larger part of this story: Yeah, the prompt kinda makes it seem like she's a bigger part, but I hate reading those fics where Bellamy stays with Echo even though he clearly loves Clarke and they just frustrate me to no end so I'm attempting to answer the prompt in a way that's a little differently than that. Hope you still like it! Also, when I wrote that part about Echo needing to tell Bellamy something, the thought of pregnancy didn't even cross my mind haha so it was funny to see you a lot of you guys thought that. Sorry for the scare lol.

Again, please review! Next update coming up shortly.

(Also, if someone knows how to transfer fics from here to AO3 without it being a total pain in the butt, let me know. I really want to upload this onto there but it's too difficult lol.)