Changed
They spent the day outside in beautiful, sunny weather. Walking along the water, feeding ducks in the park, and admiring some of the historical buildings from a time when their ancestors had come over in order to start a new and better life in this unknown country.
Most of the time though, she tried to not let Emily see her distress about last night. It was a hard thing to do.
Cal seemed okay on the outside, but that was probably not the truth underneath. After the initial awkwardness of meeting Emily again after their failed first reunion had slowly faded away, he fell back into a more comfortable routine. She saw him laughing and hugging his daughter, saw the relief and joy over being reunited with her, watched him listening to the stories she had to tell about her life. But at the same time, his heart was not fully in it.
She still wondered what kind of whirlwind emotions and thoughts were really swirling inside of him. He had let her see some parts of it; had let her discover the abyss with actions and words, but she had no doubt that there was much more that probably not even he fully understood.
It didn't matter that she was a psychologist. She was lost with his case just like everybody else would have been.
Still, it felt remotely good to see him in a better mood. But it couldn't last the whole time. When they all returned to the hotel for an early dinner, he looked drained and not too well. Emily went on talking and asking questions like nothing was wrong, but Gillian had noticed that something was going on and nervously squirmed in her seat.
When Emily took a bathroom break, she took her chance and faced him. "It's okay if you wanna go up and lie down. It was a long day and we still have tomorrow."
He nodded and she saw that some sweat had broken out on his forehead. "Will you two be alright?"
"Yes, of course. Don't worry about us."
He didn't seem the least bit convinced, but he must have felt exhausted enough to just keep on nodding and waiting for Emily to return. When she did, he got up and carefully patted off invisible crumbs from his clothes.
"I'm gonna call it an early night," he announced and looked at both of them.
"You don't want dessert?" Emily wanted to know and seemed taken by surprise.
"Gillian will eat my dessert."
"Oh, will she?"
He smiled and placed a simple kiss on her forehead. "She will probably take yours as well, whenever you don't watch it for a millisecond. You should be careful." He gave Emily a final hug and took his jacket from the chair. "Good night and I'll see you tomorrow."
They all said their goodbyes and the two woman watched him trot out of the hotel restaurant with visibly less vitality than earlier this day. Emily looked at Gillian somewhat concerned.
"Is he alright?"
What was she supposed to say? This young woman wasn't a child anymore. "He will be," she just replied and put a soothing hand on hers. "He's a fighter, remember? Always has been, always will be."
A little sigh left Emily's throat. Barely audible, but surely not without meaning. She held her breath for a moment, and even when she had gotten enough air to say what she wanted to say, she seemed to hold back. "He's not the same anymore," she tried. "He's like a broken version of himself."
She couldn't really deny this statement. It's certainly what it looked like and probably what he felt like, but the harsh reality of it put into words leaving his little girl's mouth was something new to handle and process. She moved her chair over a little closer to Emily and made her look at her. Big brown eyes needing some kind of reassurance.
"He's in a bad place right now. I don't think it makes sense to beat around the bush and lie about that. There's nothing pretty about it. But I do think that he will get better and that he needs every bit of help on the way from the people he trusts. From you and me and everybody else."
She heard her own words, loud and clear. It was something she needed to tell herself just as much as she needed to tell it to Emily. She needed this kind of rational reassurance as well. It used to be him to give it to her, but now they had to find a new dynamic until the broken things got mended enough for them to remotely work in their old ways again.
She could see a small tear in the corner of Emily's eye forming and threatening to fall, probably in order to release even more of them.
"Is it okay to feel weird about having him back here?"
"Yes, it's completely normal and okay. We all need time. I felt strange as well. Still do."
"Did you two fight over something?"
She was taken aback by this for a second and it must have shown on her face. "No. Everything's fine."
"Yeah? 'Cause you were kind of avoiding him all day. Not directly looking him in the eye and little things like that."
If it wasn't so serious she would have complimented Emily on her ever growing ability to rival her dad when it came to reading people and situations. But it was neither the time for this, nor for lies. After the fatal day four and a half years ago, Emily was the one person on this earth she always owed the truth to. It was a debt she could never honor entirely.
"We had a disagreement yesterday." She had to smile a little about her awkward choice of words. It helped to cease some instant concern on Emily's face as well.
"About him leaving back then and taking this case?"
She shook her head. "No, about him moving on actually. He told me that he wants to move up here, to Boston, and I was taken by surprise a little." It was strange talking this through with Emily. After all, his reason to move here was fuelled by being closer to her. For a moment she felt like betraying this noble und understandable reason.
"And you don't want him to leave again." It wasn't a question. Not even remotely. It was a statement and to Gillian's surprise it was Emily this time who took her hand and comforted her. "I understand."
"It's selfish." A sheepish look was on her face.
"No, it isn't." There was a twinkle in her eye that told Gillian that she knew. Of course she did. "What would he do here anyway?"
"I don't know," she admitted and looked at her lost and still slightly ashamed.
"You know, I would want him to be close, but I don't want him to be lonely here. He needs you." She believed in her words, but did this make it any more okay?
"I think he needs to figure that out for himself," Gillian concluded, as hard as it was. "Don't tell him that I mentioned it."
They ate their desserts mostly in silence, but not the uncomfortable sort. It was a quiet understanding between two woman who had lost the anchor of their lives and tried to deal with it the best they could. Only to have him unexpectedly thrown back into their newfound routines without the slightest idea of what to do with that situation.
It was the best thing that could have happened—because it was what they didn't even dare hoping for anymore—and then it was the hardest thing as well.
In the end Gillian kissed Emily's cheek and waited for the taxi to disappear into Boston's evening traffic until she lost sight of it. She shivered and hugged herself a little tighter, but the cold air made her head feel better. More aware and less clouded with doubt and shame.
But up in her hotel room she just wanted to disappear under the warm covers of her bed. Thoughts about last night were still running through her head and leaving a bitter taste. She felt the rain mingling with her tears again and the desperation of the moment took over once more. Maybe it really was for the better if they both moved on. Or maybe it wasn't.
It went on like this until a knock on the door maneuvered her out of the hurtful paths of past, present and an unknown future. Opening the door revealed him, still looking rather exhausted and wearing long pajama bottoms with a white shirt. No shoes, just barefoot. She noticed the scar there, but it couldn't surprise her.
"Sorry," he said. "Were you sleeping already?"
"No." The soft sounds of the television echoed in the background and she invited him in. They took a few steps together, but almost stopped at the exact same instant just a few milliseconds later. She turned around to face him and her head tilted slightly while she studied him.
In a way he looked better. Less confused maybe, but she could see that he was in pain and after being told of a gunshot wound and having seen the scar marking his neck and probably back, she wondered what else he was hiding.
He blinked a few times and uncomfortably shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Actually I came over to ask for another painkiller, but now I feel the need to tell you that sometimes you should just smack me over the head. When I'm being an idiot, you know."
Her eyes softened. "I can help you out with a painkiller. Not sure about the other thing."
He smiled and his body seemingly waited for her to reply in a way that was familiar. She gave it a few seconds of thought, but then ended up closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around him. He faintly smelled of the past and the stubble that was back on his cheeks made the illusion even more complete.
He kissed her cheek and whispered an apology. Nothing mattered, at least for some moments.
From his embrace she took the straight way to the bathroom and rummaged through her bag to find him some aspirin. He hadn't moved an inch when she reappeared. With gratitude he took the pill from her hand and swallowed it dry.
"Maybe you should see another doctor." Probably not the most popular thing she could have said.
"Maybe," he just agreed and she knew it was a no to that suggestion. "Did Em say anything?"
"She was worried about you, but she's okay. I gave her some money for a taxi."
He nodded. "Good, thanks." He still looked miserable though.
"I shouldn't have reacted like this last night. It wasn't my right to do so. I can understand you wanting to be closer to Emily." She left out the part where she admitted it was pure selfishness, but maybe he got it anyway.
"No, I'm glad you said what you said." The look in his eyes pleaded her to not let him off the hook so easily. "My head's all over the place. I wish I could make you understand. I don't know what to do or where to go, what's the right thing and what isn't."
She touched the outside of his left hand hanging beside his body without actually taking it. "It's okay. I'm not saying don't move here or don't move on with your life. I'm just saying give it some time and find some footing before making any lasting decisions."
"Yeah." He smiled with some relief.
"You want to stay here for a bit?"
"If it's okay."
"Sure." She gestured towards the king size bed. "Be my guest."
Funnily enough, he didn't need to be told twice and plopped down on the unused side of the bed almost immediately like it was already his, stretching out his legs and folding his arms under his head. He nodded towards the TV. "This show is still on? Why do they always cancel the good stuff and have the awful things run for 25 goddamn seasons?"
"I don't know," she just said and went over to the side of the bed she had already warmed. It felt safe under the covers and it felt even safer with him by her side now.
They stayed like this—side by side with some safe distance between them—watching TV for quite some time until she felt her eyelids growing heavy. She was woken by the sounds of the TV a little while later again and found him sleeping soundly as well. Somehow he had made it under the covers with at least half of his body.
She turned off the TV and went back to a dreamless sleep.
He was gone when she woke up the next morning. Of course he was.