Chapter 11
"Hello Lionel." Finch cleared his throat and waited for a response. Lionel had been having a not so good day. He had received Glasses worried first call about John earlier in the day and had been sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop the rest of the day. So the cloud of waiting for Harold to locate John so he could go and try to talk him off of the ledge had lent a pall over Lionel's day and ruined his breakfast. A day that had started off very good mind you. When he had sent his boy off to school that morning, it did his heart good to hear what his son had said and see the smile on his face.
"I love you dad. See you Saturday"
His boy was doing well. Spending time with Taylor, with each other, was good for both the boys. They had suffered terrible traumas that night. Taylor's trauma was bad, losing his mom. Lee being held captive at gun point, knowing that your captor was just waiting for the order to kill you and then seeing him killed in front of you during your rescue, well Lionel knew his son was going to have scars too. But he felt Lee was doing good. He'd had no nightmares in the last month and the psychologist said that was a good thing. Knowing that his son was healing made him happy so he had stopped to get a coffee at the bakery around the corner from the cop shop. He liked that shop because they had the best bear claws around and a very good cup of joe. He couldn't imagine anything better for breakfast than a claw and a joe. That's partly why he stopped there often. Perhaps a little too often but hey, you only live once right.
The shop was extra special though because he had meet Rhonda there. He had seen her in line waiting to buy or pick up her coffee lots of times. He thought she was a looker but couldn't seem to get up the nerve to talk to her. Unfortunately for her but really great for him one day, after she had gotten her order and was sitting at a table, he was so busy watching her, his coffee had gotten luke-warm. As he started to pass by her to get a refill he didn't see the back pack on the floor belonging to a neighboring table until he had tripped over it and spilled his large, very good cup of joe with cream and sugar all over Rhonda's head and beautiful jewel blue blouse with the shawl collar. He ended up sprawled out over her table and almost tipped into her lap before he was able to stop his slide. From his precarious perch on the table Lionel looked up into her beautiful hazel eyes and watched them go from shocked, to angry to amused in literally a couple of blinks of those same eyes.
She laughed as she looked down at herself and then asked him if he was ok. How could he not ask her out. After detaching himself from the table Lionel apologized profusely and tried to clean her up with every napkin in the bakery. She continued to chuckle through it all. He offered to have her blouse and skirt dry cleaned, gave her his card and an asked for her number so he could pay her for her clothes. The sweet smile she dropped on him was his undoing. Even if she didn't want to take him up on his dry cleaning offer he knew he had to see her again. And apparently, she felt the same way. She gave him her number and the location of the cleaners she would be taking her clothes to. Her comment on the way out of the bakery floored him and made his day all at once.
"Oh and Lionel when you bring me my clothes, you owe me a cup of joe, black, sugar, no cream, extra-large. See you here Thursday morning. Bye Lionel."
With a smile on her face and coffee still dripping from her hair onto her blouse, he watched Rhonda walk out of the bakery and into his life. It's a pretty happy life these days, mostly, because she's in it. The pleasant thoughts of Lee and Rhonda are knocked from his mind as his burner phone rings. He knows its Glasses calling with Tall, Dark and….Grieving's whereabouts. He answers Finch with a noncommittal grunt and a brusque, "Where is he Finch?"
Finch sighs and tells him what he already suspected. He was at The park again. John seemed to end up there on most days of the week now. He knew that Carter used to go there when she was working something out on a case, or on something that she was having difficulty with seeing a picture from all the clues a case presented. Lionel had gone with her a couple of times but wasn't crazy about the bench she always sat on. There was a Jasmine bush growing nearby and it just wasn't a scent he liked all that much. It's not that he disliked it cause if he had he wouldn't have been able to ride with Carter, it was her scent after all. But it was her scent and so reminded him too much of what he, what they, had all lost every time he sat there. Reminds him of what a great detective, partner and finally friend she was to him, Finch, Shaw and John to all of them.
He didn't go to that park much before she died now he only went when he had to retrieve John. He had met her there a couple of times when she and John were there. He could never quite make up his mind if they were hanging out, working one of John's cases or working one of her cases. After a while it felt as if he was intruding on them, like he had become a third wheel. That bench had become John and Joss'. He avoided meeting them there if he could. Just before her death, things he had noticed about John and Joss' interactions had been making their relationship clearer. He finally figured out that John the 'bane of his existence' had a thing for his partner 'squeeky clean' Carter. But Lionel wasn't sure that John even realized that he had feelings for her. Lionel however, was very sure that Cater had feelings for John.
Straight laced, by the book, only black and white no shades of grey, your either guilty or not Carter. Carter, who was ready to die with John when he couldn't get out of the bomb vest his crazy CIA, ex-partner had strapped him in and only left when the name of her son Taylor was invoked. Lionel still had to drag her away from John and certain death even then. Carter who was hell bent on catching and locking up their very own personal vigilante before she knew it was John. Ended up helping the selfsame vigilante impersonate police officers, get out of Riker's and save lives, illegally, every week. Carter who used to live and breathe law and order gave her last breath to save lawless John. Someone like Carter did not break the law lightly yet for those she cared for she willing and quit adroitly did just that, broke the law.
She even broke the law for Lionel when she moved Stiles' body. Whether he had killed Stiles or not Carter had kept him out of jail and out of the clutches of HR. Dirty cop that he had been, she helped him change and she had his back. She would protect her family and friends any way she could.
And so would John.
Within HR John's threat to Elias and HR that he sent them through the commissioner- to keep their hands off Carter - was legendary before Carter took HR down. John became known jokingly by most in HR, and not so jokingly by those who had run afoul of him, as her guardian angel. Lionel had Carter's back but John took protecting her to another level. She eventually changed John just like she had changed him. Lionel could see it in the way John did some things from when he first shanghaied him to their cause to now. He knew she had something to do with how John no longer used more deadly force then he needed when working the numbers. They didn't catch very many bodies any longer from John's work with the numbers. He kneecapped them instead. He had knee capped so many bad guys that at the cop shop knee capping a perp became "Suffering from a case of LA" - lead arthritis. Then there were the little love notes he would send Carter in the form of gift wrapped perps. It was no wonder that those FBI suits came sniffing around. When it came to making collars Carter seemed to have her own personal Santa Clause. Carter often complained about John breaking into her house whenever he wanted to. But even with all the complaints, frustration and exasperation John caused her she never told him to stop either.
Lionel knew John followed Carter around even after everyone found out they were all working together. First John had tried to stay away from her and not get caught by her. But after about a year he couldn't seem to leave her alone if he'd tried. John was doing everything he could to stay physically close to her and make Carter's job easier and her life safer. It had seemed a bit stalkerish to Lionel until John threatened him about keeping her safe. He took John at his word when he told him if anything happened to Joss he was coming after Lionel next. Lionel was sure that he would probably not even get a card from John if he ended up in the hospital. But Carter better not break a nail on her Nike running shoe or John would be there to exact retribution on the poor sneaker. The elevated protectiveness of John for Carter, how he had become more "forgiving" in his treatment of perps, the gift wrapped perps and the constant observation of her and especially the softness he saw on Johns face when he looked at Carter finally rang a bell for Lionel. It had become evident to him about a month or so before her death that John had feelings for Carter as well.
They were so much alike and couldn't see how much they meant to each other until it was too late.
He looks at her desk and sees her smirk at him. Unbidden the words slip from his lips.
"Don't worry partner. I've got my eye on John and Taylor for you. We'll get them through this"
As her image gently dissipates before him, Lionel's eyes are shimmering with unshed tears. He wipes them quickly as he closes the phone, shrugs his shoulders and gathers his self to go find John. He squares his broad shoulders and prepares to take on a bit more of John's grief at Carter's loss. If John will allow him in he hopes that he can help John heal and hopes for his own healing as well. John has to make it through this otherwise Lionel will lose another friend. Not to bullets this time but to grief. Grief can be as deadly an assassin as any bullet fired from a gun. He only has one friend, well maybe two, and knows he does not want to lose another.
Lionel moves quickly to close what he is doing so he can go find John at the park. The concern in Finches voice has him worried. He's praying that John hasn't gone off the rails again and is trying to burn down the town. John's rampage the day he went after Quinn and rained fire down on everyone while looking for Simmons, almost cost him his life. They were only able to rein John in then because he had lost so much blood his body had quit and could no longer function. Lionel thought back on how John had refused leaving with him to get a meal the first few times when he had started visiting John on the bench. Sometimes John looked small and weak like he couldn't end a fly if he tried. But Lionel knew better and wasn't about to try to see if that assessment was correct.
Lionel would never put a hand on John without his permission, even when he looked like a stiff wind would blow him over. He knew looks with John were very deceiving. After Finch conscripted him to be there for John he would sit with him in the park, the subway or on a bus and wait on John's move. When Bear started accompanying John he would play fetch with the dog. To pass the time until he could get John to go get a meal or with a certainty John told him to get lost, Lionel would play with Bear too. Some days John would inquire about how Lionel was doing, how his own injuries were healing, and about his son Lee. Still on most they just sat in companionable silence and let the scent from the Jasmine bush behind the bench wash over them and bring to each their own privet memories of Carter.
Though they didn't happen often, the worst days were when he couldn't seem to reach John but he sat with him and watched John's body shake with subdued sobs, a bowed head and tears stream down his face. Those days were hard on Lionel too because his own grief would come knocking and overflow the restraints he tried to impose on it. On those days Bear wouldn't leave John's side unless he commanded him to. Still Bear was frequently back to lean against John's legs, lick his face or lay across his feet. Even Bear seemed effected by Carter's loss.
Lionel noticed that John would only ask after Taylor on those worst days. He would listen to Lionel's reports with down cast eyes and implore Lionel to keep an eye on him, to let him know if he needed anything, any help, any… John hadn't seen Taylor since before Carter's death. When he asks about Taylor, Lionel would give him a blow by blow of what he knew about how the kid was doing. Lately that didn't seem to be so well according to what Lee had told him recently about Taylor. Finch had told him about what had gone down on that street corner the night Carter died. Lionel had wanted to asked John why he hadn't seen the boy yet but every time it crossed his mind he'd pull up short remembering John's reaction the last time he tried to speak with him about Carter. He didn't want to chance John's reaction him knowing he had not kept his last promise to Carter.
Three days ago that changed. Lionel had caught a horrible case of child abuse that had turned into the murder of the mentally and developmentally disable child. After answering the call he had talked to the unconcerned parent who had told him, "It wasn't worth the trouble to feed it. The little piece of crap couldn't even learn not to shit its pants." It took four unis to restrain Lionel from taking the guy's head off. One of the other detectives on the scene suggested that he take a break and cool down before he got in trouble. Finch called him then and he was only too happy to leave the scene and went to find John in the park on their usual bench. It was what he needed for, a while. Something to try to dull the image of the little discarded lump in the garbage bag the CSI had pulled out of the dumpster.
He did find John, on the bench and took the opposite end. It looked like it was going to be a silent session today. But the harder he tried to get the image of that baby out of his mind the more he thought about how blessed he was that he still had Lee. Thinking about Lee turned his mind to Taylor and with that thought he was back at wondering why John hadn't seen him yet. He felt that John was throwing Taylor away. Those feelings turned his mind back to the poor discarded baby and that made him mad. Mad enough that before he could stop himself the question was out of his mouth.
"Why haven't you seen Taylor John? Its ain't like you're busy. You can't find time for him, for the most important person in the world to her? Or is he just not worth your time?"
The anger and disappointment in Lionel's voice draws John's eyes to his face. It mirrors his voice. John digs the heels of his hands into his eyes hard. Lionel watches his throat work as John tries to find his voice to answer him. The man is still in agony, not physically but in every other way that matters and he regrets speaking so harshly to John.
"I can't. I..… I look at him, I see her Lionel. I failed him, my promise to her…. I "
John exhales a shuddering breath and with it a small groan. He swiftly stands and looks down at Lionel. Lionel sees the look in John's eyes and knows he's lost him for the rest of the day, maybe even the next two. He's ready to run and there's nothing Lionel can do to stop his escape. John's body is angling towards the park entrance as he whistles for Bear who bounds over and stops by his side. He gruffly speaks to Lionel as he smoothly heads to the exit, Bear at heel.
"He doesn't need to see me and I can't see him."
"Yet. You mean you can't see him yet, right John?
Some of his anger returns and Lionel increases his volume as he calls to John's rapidly retreating back.
"Cause from what Lee tells me he sure as hell needs to see you. Sooner, than later."
John makes an abrupt halt and rounds on Lionel with a fierceness in his eye's that had all but been extinguished in the last few months. Lionel had stood to follow John but now was being pushed back towards the Jasmine bush as John rolls up on him with an onslaught of questions and a fire in his eyes.
"You said that he was doing ok, Lionel. That he was coping, Lionel. Where you lying to me, Lionel? Have you gone back to being that lying piece of crap you were when I dragged you out from under that rock of HR.
Yeah he had been a dirty cop but he wasn't now. Lionel would never intentionally let Taylor suffer if he had known how bad it was. He didn't lie to his team. John's last remark had hurt but he was no longer that person. With that thought he stopped his backward movement and stepped forward into John's space. Lionel knew getting in his face when John was his usual self was foolhardy, now it might be downright lethal. But he was mad, at John for not doing what she asked, at Finch for not getting her number in time, at his self for letting Carter pull one over on him that night. He was going to strap some steel to his spine and let John have it for not checking on Taylor and trying to help him through this. Lionel steps forward and into John's personal space.
"You ain't got no right to look at me or talk to me like that. I've been there for him. Where were you?"
John takes a step back and Lionel blows out a big sigh and continues. John looks at him with a tell me the truth and everything that's happening with Taylor or else head tilt to the right and Lionel continues.
"Look. I thought he was doing ok. When I talk to him he says he's as ok as can be expected, a little quiet but ok. Paul said he was getting better. Even Lee said he thought he was doing ok. Up until recently."
John continues to look at him intensely and tilts his head in the other direction, an indication to Lionel that he should continue.
"Lee said up until about two, three weeks ago he thought Taylor was doing pretty good, considering. He said Taylor didn't want to talk much about his mom though. Lee figured he wouldn't press him on that and just give him some time, ya know. He got worried about him because he said Taylor started saying some rough things about his mom. Lee would talk to him and try to reason with him. But Taylor seemed to be doubting that Carter loved him. He feels that she didn't care about leaving him alone if she died. You know like being a hero was more important than he was and she wasn't being careful, being safe at work. Lee is afraid that he's starting to hate Carter for dying."
John takes another step backwards and frowns at the ground. He sounds incredulous when he speaks.
"No. Lionel he can't feel that way about his mother. How could he doubt that he was the most important person in her world."
"Well it looks like that's where he's headed. So, what are you gonna do about it?"
The angry look John shoots at Lionel turns into one of uncertainty and pain. He does a smooth about face and with hunched shoulders and Lionel's question quietly following him John makes a hasty escape from the park and from Lionel's accusing eyes.
Three days. Three days for John to brood, become more depressed or go of the rails. None of those are good choices for John Lionel admits. Finch sounded like he is expecting Mr. Tall, Dark and Deranged to put in an appearance again. Lionel had hoped that since he had survived talking to John about seeing Taylor, today when he went to meet John they could now have a talk about it. But with Finch's call this morning it didn't look like that would happen. John was such a complicated person and he still wasn't sure if he had him figured out. He knew Carter did but she wasn't here any longer to temper what Lionel called, John's moods. Every day he wished he could hear voice again put John in his place or at least curb him a little bit.
Lionel put the file in his hand in his desk drawer, locked it and leaves the precinct to meet John in the park. He has no idea who he would meet when he caught up with John. He'll count himself lucky if its Tall, Dark and Stormy he must deal with. He smirks as he wonders how Carter did it, how she could mostly manage John. Right now he would gladly let her run off to help John. And if she was here that's just what she would do, run to help John. Those two.., he smirks as he shakes his head. Boy, does he miss Carter. How's he supposed to handle a deranged John alone?
A/N: I know you have been waiting for John and Taylor to meet. My muse has finally returned and I'm doing whatever he says. ;-) It is the next chapter though. Thanks again for hanging in here with me and for your reading and reviews.