Thanks to antiaol and bmango.

As always, Stephanie Meyer owns. I play. And occasionally, apparently, I also write crackfic.

The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt #: 23
(www [dot] bit [dot] ly/bDkgKK)
Pen name: theladyingrey42
Pairing: Edward
Rating: M

Photos for prompts can be found here:
community[dot]livejournal[dot]com/thetwilight25/13912[dot]html

I was a pretty simple guy when it came down to it. I liked to smoke, drink, fuck and play.

Simple.

So you can imagine that I was pretty fucking pissed when my whole life suddenly got really, really complicated one day. One second, I felt like maybe I was coming down with a case of the sniffles, and the next I found myself waking up after what felt like the worst bender in the history of benders, staring into a pair of freaky yellow eyes and feeling like if I didn't eat a person for lunch, I was going to lose my fucking shit.

Yeah, like I said, complicated.

"Edward? Can you hear me, Edward?"

All it took was freaky-yellow-eyed dude tapping my shoulder for me to go into this slow-mo Matrix shit , pulling a double back flip away from him, a somersault and throwing in maybe just a little bit of jazz hands at the end to show off.

"Whoa." Yeah, I was in the Matrix, alright. Keanu Reeves vocabulary and all.

I stared back at freaky-yellow-eyed dude from about ten feet away. He had blond hair cut in a really lame 80s mini-mullet and skin so pale it kind of made me want to go buy him some Vitamin D supplements or something.

"I know this must be terribly disorienting," he said aloud. But what I heard was Oh my God he's hot. He's so hot. Even hotter than before I bit him. Bite-ably hot. Wicked hot. Like, seriously seriously oh my god he's hot.

I chuckled and ran a hand though my hair, turning to look at my reflection in the mirror, because yeah, I was pretty easy to look at, especially with my clear, green –

"What the fuck?" I swore.

My clear, green eyes … weren't. They weren't green. They were red. Freaky red.

And I looked like I might be in need of some fucking Vitamin D myself.

My head flipped around to look at Yellow Eyes again, who now looked seriously nervous, and even though he wasn't moving his mouth, in that same, floating voice from before, I heard Keep it together, Carlisle. Do not antagonize the newborn, extremely fuck-hot vampire you created. Repeat, do NOT –

"Vampire? VAMPIRE?"

Those yellow eyes widened.

"What? How?" he sniveled. In the background there was a silent chant of Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I decided to take a chance. "Look, Carlisle, is it?" He nodded and gaped. "OK, Carlisle. We have a couple options here. A – you tell me what the fuck is going on, or B – I kick the shit out of you. Got it?"

Honestly, I was kind of feeling like kicking the shit out of him regardless.

"How much do you remember?" Please don't remember me whacking off while you were changing.

"You did what while I was changing?"

Carlisle cowered even more if that was possible. "Nothing! Nothing." Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I struck up what I hoped was an imposing posture. "Start talking. Now."

"OK," he stammered, holding up his hands like I was about to attack. Which was definitely a distinct possibility. "My name is Carlisle Cullen. I am a … vampire, and I was also your doctor. You were dying of the flu." And you were hot. Really, really, really hot.

"The flu? Seriously? No one dies of the flu."

"It was a, um, very virulent strain." Like the strain in my pants. Oh my God you're hot.

"You're shitting me."

I'm shitting him. "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

Of course I am. I just needed to bite you. You were so hot. "Of course I'm not."

"Wait – what's this about biting?"

For being a pretty pale dude, he suddenly got even paler.

I heard the voice again, but his mouth still wasn't moving. Edward? Can you hear me?

"Yeah," I answered absently, before realizing that might have been a really stupid idea.

Those freaky yellow eyes lit up. How about now? Can you hear me now?

"Yes," I replied warily.

How about now?

"Am I in a fucking Verizon commercial? Because if your network shows up now I'm going to kick its ass, too."

As if on cue, at exactly that moment, a whole crew of more freaky yellow-eyed people … vampires … things barged in.

"Stop thinking, Carlisle! He can read your mind!" What appeared to be a twelve year old girl was lunging for Carlisle, but he batted her off.

"Yeah, Alice, I basically just figured that out," he huffed, looking like someone had just stolen his puppy. Annoying fucking pixie.

For once, at least, I could agree with his thoughts.

"Wait, I can read minds?" I asked.

Ugh, why do the pretty ones always have to be so dumb?

My eyes jerked up and over to a fierce-looking blond. And then I smirked. She scowled. I could tell this was going to be an awesome relationship already.

Over the course of the next hour or so, I got filled in on all kinds of details about how, yes, we were all vampires, and no it wasn't as cool as it looked in the movies. I also got introduced to a whole bunch of people, none of whom I expected to ever see again, because this party was lame. Really lame.

When they had more or less talked themselves out (even though in their heads they were still prattling on), I finally sat down.

And summarily broke the chair.

"Fuck, I need a drink."

"Oh yes, you must be incredibly thirsty. How thoughtless of us," Carlisle fretted. "We can go right through the woods here. There are plenty of deer, and maybe even some decent-sized predators if we're lucky." Please let me get lucky. Pretty pretty pretty please let me get lucky.

I looked up at him in disgust, both for his obvious inability to read the situation and for the increasingly annoying series of images of me sucking his less-than-impressive, ridiculously white cock.

"No," I seethed. "A fucking drink. Whiskey? Vodka? Hell, paint thinner would probably work at this point."

"Um…"

Shit. They didn't drink, did they?

"We only drink blood." Mmmmm blood.

"Shit." Feeling like I was about to lose it, I started ruffling through my pockets, looking for my Marlboros and my lighter. When I finally found them, I grabbed them out, only to have everybody step back about a foot.

"Um, Edward?" the little pixie asked.

"Yeah?" I opened the pack and pulled a cigarette to my lips.

The blond, Rosalie, was in front of me before I knew it, batting the cigarette away from my mouth. Fucking idiot, she thought.

"Didn't you read the fine print, you fucking idiot?"

"Fine print? Um, Chuckles here didn't exactly give me a consent form or anything before he decided I was too 'bite-able' to resist," I sneered, making a jerking-off motion with my hand in Carlisle's direction.

"Hey!" An image of him biting my shoulder while burying himself in my ass wafted across my mind and I tried not to puke.

"No," Rosalie insisted. And then she made a grab for my junk.

"What the fuck is up with all you vampires trying to get in my pants?" I screamed, jumping up and back. Although, honestly, I really didn't mind the idea of her getting her hands a little closer to my cock. But I really didn't want to encourage Carlisle. Pretending to be asexual seemed like it might be the way to go.

She slapped me, grabbed my collar, and forcibly sat me back down in the chair, while verbally and mentally calling me an idiot again. She managed to wrestle the top of my pants down just a bit, revealing an inch of hip.

And a tattoo.

"What the fuck?"

"Fine print," she grumbled. "Right there. Read."

...

This vampire contains 100% venom and venom-based crystalline solids.
Wash vampire in warm sudsy water and air dry. Do not place in dryer.

WARNING: Vampire is not a toy and should not be left unattended with small children or pets.
Or anyone, really. Unless you want them to get eaten.

WARNING: If vampire saliva or ejaculate is ingested, please call poison control center immediately.

WARNING: Vampires are highly flammable. Do not use near or around an open flame.

...

"The Volturi," Alice whispered knowingly. Too bad he's not a Versace.

"Volturi?"

Rosalie waved her hand like it was no big deal. "Bunch of thousand year old OCD bureaucrats in a tower. They think they govern over 'vampire-kind' but they basically just like putting warning signs on things."

"But we really are quite flammable," Carlisle added meekly. In the time we'd been ogling my hip, he'd progressed from a fantasy of giving it to me up the ass to me taking him up against a wall while he sucked on a sparkly pink dildo. He'd also managed to find and wrap himself in a fire blanket.

And it was in that moment that I knew that I was fucked.

But not by Carlisle. That dude was totally not getting anywhere near my ass.

oOo~OOO~oOo

"Hey." The soft voice beside me scared the shit out of me.

Which was pretty hard to do, what with vampires not actually, you know, shitting.

Trying to figure out why the hell I hadn't heard the person coming, I glanced to the side, only to feel my freaky sort-of-red, sort-of-yellow eyes get big.

Because the girl standing next to me was smokin'. As in attractive. And also as in, she was holding up a cigarette.

"You got a light?" she asked, dipping her head slightly and batting her eyelashes at me. I stared, wondering if she had a stye or pink-eye or one of those nasty eye-zit things that humans got. Because she didn't stop at simple eyelash-batting. She just kept blinking. And then blinking. And then blinking some more.

She finally stopped blinking just long enough to simultaneously undo a button on her shirt and bite her lip. Which gave me all kinds of ideas about biting her lip, too. And maybe her tits.

At that point, I took advantage of the opportunity to smirk at her with my patented lady-killer grin. Mind you, in the couple of months since I'd become undead, it had resulted in my actually killing more ladies than it had in my nailing them. But still, it seemed worth a try. Leaning back against the wall, I pulled a little vampire stunt and flicked out my lighter so fast that she couldn't have possibly seen me doing it.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to impress her even nearly as much as it seemed to freak her the fuck out.

The fact that I had also managed to whip out an oven mitt before actually flicking the lighter might have had something to do with that as well.

She swallowed and gave me a nervous look, but then shrugged and blinked some more and leaned in. At which point I realized three things.

1) That she was the most delicious-smelling thing I had ever smelled in my entire life (or lack thereof).

2) That she was probably borderline mentally retarded because she still hadn't had a single thought in the entire time that she'd been standing there.

and

3) That I could totally see down her shirt.

"Um, thanks," she said, pulling back. I rubbed the oven mitt across my face quickly to wipe up the venom I'd managed to drool all over my chin from the combined effects of both smelling and staring at her, before lighting my own cigarette, gripping it carefully with my covered hand and leaning back against the wall again. Without showing her my teeth, I smiled at her, trying to look cool (well, as cool as anyone can look, smoking while wearing an oven mitt) and acting like it was perfectly normal to be a nicotine-addicted, occasionally-vegetarian vampire, chatting up a potential snack.

"So what's your name?" I said casually while taking a drag.

"Um, Bella." She glanced up at me and wrapped her lips around the cigarette.

I almost ate her right then and there.

And I couldn't even decide if I meant that in a psychopathic killer way or in a horny motherfucker way.

"I'm Edward," I said, before frowning at the cigarette I had managed to crush in my blood/pussy lusting enthusiasm.

"Cool." She finished her cigarette in silence and then kicked off the wall, making me frown.

Right up until she turned around and said, "So... wanna fuck?"

oOo~OOO~oOo

"Yeah, right there, Edward. Oh God. So fucking - " I had my whole forehead pressed to her neck, trying not to breathe or accidentally bite her or anything, and I was basically fingering the shit out of her. After what felt like about five years of diddling around down there, she finally clenched around my fingers and rolled her eyes back in her head. I rolled my eyes, too. But only because her O-face was so weird.

And because she kept blinking at me.

That shit was freaky.

"Fuck me, Edward. Please. God, I want it so fucking bad."

She didn't have to tell me twice. About a millisecond later, I was buried balls-deep in her, thrusting for all I was worth and making a dumb-ass looking O-face myself for all I knew. I didn't really care, considering I was probably going to eat her as soon as I was done fucking her. And totally in that psychopathic killer way.

Over and over again, I pounded into her, until even I was picturing a little line of judges sitting on the sidelines, holding up perfect 10s. This whole vampire stamina thing was awesome.

Finally, I couldn't take it any more. Living in a house full of horny vampires who liked to get it on basically every second of every day had given me more than a little bit of pent up sexual energy, and it had gotten to the point where even Carlisle's sick-fuck fantasies couldn't keep me from getting (admittedly petrified) wood at the drop of a dime.

I came.

Hard.

Dismounting, I laid down to the side and basked for a minute, idly wondering again if this Bella chick really was retarded, what with her freaky silent brain thing. After a little bit of panting, she turned into me and ran a tentative hand down my chest, and I looked over at her with a pretty cocky look.

Because I was totally cocky.

About my cock.

"So, are you, um, done?" she asked, and I boggled. I mean it was pretty fucking obvious right? I'd made my O-face and everything.

"Um, yeah."

"Oh." It was silent. And awkward.

"Well, um …" It wasn't like I expected a medal or anything, but I was at least thinking she could say something. 'Edward, you are a sex machine who has rocked my world' would have sufficed.

"It's OK," she said. "I mean, it happens to all guys sometimes, right?"

Whaaa?

"Happens?" I glanced over at the clock then. And slapped my head.

Thirty seconds. We'd fucked for thirty seconds.

I groaned.

Because while I had, in fact, pounded her three thousand, nine hundred twenty-two times, I had pounded her three thousand, nine hundred twenty-two times at vampire speed.

So, like I said.

Thirty seconds.

"Fuck, listen," I said, but then I stopped. I mean, was I really going to explain that shit to her?

Frustrated and yet also feeling really sexually satisfied, I reached for my jacket and pulled out my Marlboros and my oven mitt again. I was just lighting up when she blinked and I saw her whole face brighten.

"OMG, is that a tattoo?" she said, diving for my hip. And accidentally kneeing me in the junk.

And making me drop my lighter.

Onto my junk.

My incredibly, incredibly flammable junk.

"Fuck," I hissed as my whole lower half threatened to burst into an instant conflagration. I batted Bella out of the way, trying to use her quilt as a fire blanket while she was still busy sitting there blinking at my flaming (but not in a gay way) dick.

Just as the flames started to lick at my chest, I heard a jumble of voices outside the door and watched in slack-jawed amazement as a whole clown car worth of short-bus special vampires beat down the door. They were all led by Alice, who was holding out her hand and screaming.

"No! Stop, Edward! If you light that cigarette you're going to - "

She stopped on a dime and started sniffing at the air, presumably perturbed by the scents of melting polyester and increasingly evaporating vampire. For a fraction of a second, her eyes searched the room until they finally zoomed in on what was left of my dick. Her jaw dropped. Then she shrugged.

"Oh, well then. Never mind." At least he thought to take off his clothes before accidentally setting himself on fire.

Fucking idiot. Rosalie sauntered into the room behind her, looking similarly nonplussed.

Both the girls sighed and were turning as if to go when they were practically bowled over by a hysterical, dry-sobbing Carlisle, whose thoughts were now fixated on an image of himself, pulling my naked, charred but still-sexually-functional body out of the conflagration. His mullet looked even more fucked than usual as he ran into the room, took one look at me and fell to his knees. I snickered at the knowledge that, at least in that respect, this was straight out of one of his stupid fantasies (except in his fantasies my dick had been smoking hot in a much less literal way), and raised my hands to cover my ears as he went all Darth Vader from those craptastic Star Wars prequels, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Fortunately, at that point, both my hands and ears were more ash than anything else, so I didn't have to listen for long.

And it was only then, as I let my increasingly cinder-like eyes dart between the retarded, blinking girl who thought I was a shitty lay, the most useless psychic in the entire universe and the sick, gay fucker who turned me into a vampire in the first place, that I decided going up in flames, naked and wearing an oven mitt wasn't the worst fate in the universe.

Because seriously. Spending an eternity with those assholes would have been way, way worse.