The Big Hellsing
Chapter Eleven: Zohall's Boredom
Disclaimer: Has anybody noticed that NOT jokes have become popular again since Borat?
Fact of the matter was that Zohall Mercer was quite bored. Alucard got to go to the United States and Seras was all but officially Integra's body guard but he had nothing to do. He and Leon had gotten their share of action after being recruited, fighting with the so called artificial vampires and even taking up the fight with some true vampires.
But it seemed like that since Millennium had gone AWOL, the number of FREAK vampires just plummeted. It was clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that Millennium was the group that had been creating the FREAKs but what was much less clear was the fate of Millennium. What happened, "Did they just forget about their fucked up eternal war"?
Leon responded exasperatedly, "Kid, you asked me that same question ten times. And you asked me twenty other questions that I didn't know the answer too. Is there any good reason that you're trying to drive me crazy".
Zohall smirked, "I just want to give you a taste of how I feel every time you call me kid". Zohall looked down at his cards and then at Leon's, "I hate cards, anything more complex than go-fish has too many rules".
Leon dryly responded, "That's how cards are supposed to be Zohall. It's meant to be banal and boring".
Zohall pushed himself away from the table, "Thanks Leon but I've had enough, unless you want me to kick your ass at go-fish again".
"Zohall I swear you're cheating", Leon accused.
"I didn't cheat, I'm just lucky. I'm like that card playing Latino fruitcake that took on Alucard a while back. Only I'm not a fruitcake and I don't hang out with a butch lesbian half covered in tattoos".
"Go check out Walter", Leon suggested.
Zohall honestly didn't want to visit Walter. It wasn't that Walter was mean or anything, quite the opposite; he was nothing but respectful and friendly towards Zohall. It was just that since Zohall had come to know Walter there were certain things about the old man that just didn't seem right.
Young Mercer first became aware of Walter's dark side when the Hellsing retainer rescued Leon from becoming vampire chow. In the ensuing battle with the bloodsucker Walter displayed a sadistic side that Zohall hadn't believed the old man capable of. Walter toyed with the vampire and chased it across London where Zohall had not stuck around to see its fate.
But Walter's dark side wasn't the only reason that Zohall was wary of Walter. He had a downright bizarre sight too. Seras was ignorant of it but Walter had hard-on for the large breasted Nosferatu the size of Florida. Walter lecherously attempted to see the upside of Seras skirt and succeeded during the Valentine Brother's attack when she and the butler travelled to the site of the attack via the air vents.
And lechery wasn't Walter's only quirk. When he was being ordered by Sir Integra Walter was sharp and attentive. When Leon or Zohall asked him anything Walter acted sharp and attentive. More often than not the old man would completely disregard whatever Leon and Zohall had said to him, seemingly forgetting that they had spoken to him at all. Leon just chalked it up to old age.
Zohall just finished his reverie as he reached the men's washroom. There in one of the men's stalls Walter C. Dornez was furiously working a plunger in one of the toilets. Walter's sleeves were rolled up and his brow was dripping sweat. The scene hadn't changed since Zohall visited Walter three quarters of an hour ago.
The young survivor of Raccoon City attempted to sneak up on Walter. "Can I help you Mr. Mercer"?
Zohall winced, "I'm fine Walter, I just came to check up on you". He couldn't help but wonder, "He's pumping that plunger like it's his last day on the job. How did he hear me coming? Even I couldn't do that".
CRACK!
Zohall jumped back as the plunger that Walter was trying to unplug the toilet with broke in half. Walter flung aside the pieces of broken plunger and looked to the green eyed young man. "Actually Mr. Mercer there is something you can get me". And with no further ceremony Walter rammed one hand down the toilet up to the elbow.
"Uh, Walter, can I get you some gloves. Or another plunger"? This wasn't helping the case of Walter's sanity in any way.
Walter didn't stop rummaging through the toilet bowl as he stated, "No why would I need gloves"? Walter grunted as he pushed his hand further down the toilet, "I was going to ask if you could bring me some soup, I'm right famished".
Zohall paused at Walter's slightly outlandish request, "Um, okay, what kind of soup do you want".
"If you don't mind I would prefer cream of mushroom". As Zohall started to turn away he overheard Walter, "Ah, found you at last you slippery rascal. And it would seem you have a partner". Zohall didn't immediately realize that Walter was talking to the human crap that was plugging up the John and making it overflow. If Walter's problems were the cause of old age, then he hoped that age would be kinder to him than it was to Walter.
Sir Integra's Office, Hellsing Manor, Same time
"Anthony its Integra, we need to talk, now".
On the end of the other line Tony Soprano paused for a moment, "Alright, lemme lock the door". There was a brief pause before the sounds of loud music starting up and strippers getting ready for a night's work softened considerably. Tony immediately made a crack at Integra, "So Ellen DeGeneres, what's a matter? Run out of pussy over there in England, cause we're overflowing here in Jersey".
Integra clenched her teeth for a moment, "Spare me your lewd lesbian jokes Tony, I'm only calling you because I've got serious business to discuss".
"Jesus Christ, you don't appreciate a little fucking levity"?
Integra leaned back into her chair, once more it was time for this familiar dance, "Oh please Tony, if you try and sound any more Italian than you do now then you'll sound like Mario".
"Fucking smartass you are".
"Can it Tony, you can make jokes about Bobby Baccala's weight later".
Irritated but unable to do anything about it Tony smoothed down what was left of his hair, "Alright, what's eating you"?
Integra used her most cold and masculine voice, "I was hoping that you could tell me what the problem was Anthony".
In his cheap swivel chair Tony grimaced at Integra's choice of words, "Since when did you join the fucking FBI"?
"I'm serious Tony, is there a problem that I need to know about". Integra popped a cigar into her mouth and lit it.
Tony was reaching one of those states of anger that he was famous for, "If you're trying to give me a reason to smash your fucking face in then don't stop"!
Integra nonchalantly exhaled cigar smoke, "Oh yes Tony, I'm terrified that you'll beat me. I'm hardly tougher than the drug addicted whores you solicit. I've no knowledge of hand to hand combat, swordsmanship or marksmanship".
"Alright fine, what the fuck is it you wanted to talk to me about? Just stop beating around the fucking bush".
Integra processed Tony's response in her mind. He was angry all right, no real surprise in that. However his anger seemed to stem from being wrongfully accused a first in his life to be sure. As far as Integra could tell Soprano was telling the truth. She and the Jersey mob boss never saw eye to eye, but he had always been reliable in his services to the Hellsing organization. Aside from his open lust towards her, his never ending jokes about her sexuality and his manipulation of her for his own ends, he'd always been honest. "Alright Tony, no more misdirection".
"There's been a problem in Sunnydale. Somebody attacked the resident watcher there".
Tony looked up in confusion from the box of donuts he'd been pilfering, "What, you mean that sick old fuck Rupert Giles"?
"The same Tony, he was ambushed not even a day ago. Several men met him at his home where they brutally beat him and stole over a dozen mystical artifacts from his home".
Tony wolfed down his fifth or sixth donut, "It's probably a couple of mulignans, I'll have a couple of guys track the goods down. Some real qualified professionals".
Integra took another draw of her tobacco, "Not that I don't appreciate your zeal, or detest your tendency to blame black people for everything that goes wrong. But you've got the wrong idea here".
Tony crammed a chocolate covered donut into his mouth, "I'm listening".
"From what Rupert Giles has told me so far it was your men who attacked and robbed him". Integra couldn't help but smirk as she heard Tony choke on something that he was eating. She expected him to stop coughing soon, but he didn't. Integra's amusement faded as the coughing continued, "Tony, are you alright"? She heard only choking noises on the line, "Tony, try to cough it out, don't stop coughing"!
Bada Bing strip bar, Jersey, Now
Anthony John Soprano Sr. was in a little bit of trouble. He was choking on a donut and his vision was starting to go black around the edges. He heard Integra's cries of concern over the phone but they didn't register. Tony turned in his chair as he heard somebody pound on the door. Tony heard the voice of Silvio Dante, longtime friend of his and consigliore, "T are you alright. T, answer me".
Still choking on donut, Tony rose from his swivel chair unlocked the door. As Silvio was about to perform the Heimlich maneuver Tony coughed up the piece of donut by himself. Never in his whole life was Tony so glad to see Silvio's ugly face. "Thanks Sil", he rasped.
Silvio, with his ultra flashy clothing and too many rings grabbed his boss's shoulders, "You alright T? I been telling you, eat smaller pieces".
Tony pulled back, "I'm alright". Tony immediately grabbed the cordless phone which he had dropped. Tony coughed a few more times just to get a reaction out of Integra, who was still demanding to know if he was okay. "I'm alright Integra".
"Good", Integra toned down the level of emotion in her voice, "Now Tony, we need to meet in person. I'll be leaving for Sunnydale in a few days".
Tony nodded, "Alright, but we can't just meet like that. We got to meet someplace like a wedding or a funeral or a christening or some shit like that".
Integra shuddered, "Is there any reason you wish to submit me to the incredible agony of a mobster wedding Tony"?
"Yeah there is Integra. I've been doing the Feds a lot of favors with finding terrorists and shit like that and that's earned me some goodwill. But I'd rather not stretch that goodwill by meeting with you by anything other than accident".
"Would meeting with me be such a crime to your government Anthony"?
"The feds asked me who you were, so I told them that you were a narcotics dealer from Europe. I've been feeding them bullshit about you to take the heat off of me".
Integra glowered darkly, "That might explain why Alucard had been delivering dead American law men to my doorstep".
"See you soon carpet cleaner".
Integra then decided to draw blood, "You know Anthony, you're fat, you're a big fat bastard. I hope I can say that without hurting your feelings". Tony immediately shutting the phone down gave Integra a feeling of warm satisfaction.
Dreamscape
Zohall Mercer had gone to sleep a while back. How long ago he could not precisely remember. All that he now knew was that his mind was far too lucid to be dreaming. He knew that he was being taken. Exactly where he was being taken he did not know, only that somehow he created it but did not remember. The only other thing he knew about the place was that always there to meet him was a girl.
He had no better idea of who the girl was than he did of this place. Always she was there, a young woman with black hair and fair skin. Sometimes she wore a lavender bikini and other times she wore a man's suit. But without fail she always wore glasses and carried an umbrella with her.
Zohall landed on a gorgeous beach covered in white sand. As always the young girl was standing under her umbrella which bore the logo "Sampson's Drug store". Zohall moved towards the young girl who had claimed that she only wanted his love.
As he moved towards her he something was not well. Today, she was dressed in filthy rags which barely preserved her modesty. She was lying down but did not look at all relaxed. She seemed to be looking at the waves of the deep blue ocean. As Zohall got closer she spoke to him, "It was not my intention for you to see me this way".
Zohall took in the sight of her body, it was battered and bruised. "What's happened to you? Who did this"?
She stiffened a little bit, "It doesn't matter, when I am with you all is well".
Zohall grew deadly serious and demanded of the girl, "I want to know who did this to you". She didn't respond to his query, she shuddered a little bit. When she shuddered he heard a metallic noise. He lost himself in his anger for a moment and rudely moved the girl towards him. What he saw only made his blood boil more.
The lone curl that usually inhabited her forehead was filthy and tangled, just like the rest of her hair. Her lip was split and her cheek was bruised. And the metallic clinking; that was from the heavy iron manacles that rubbed away the flesh from her wrists. Zohall was so furious that his forest green eyes glowed, "Tell me who did this to you so I can kill them".
She looked down, as though ashamed by her appearance, "It doesn't matter, this was done by the one that owns my soul".
Zohall's tone was hard with righteous anger, "Nobody owns anybody else's soul, nobody".
"He owns my soul Zohall Mercer; I am only able to meet with you here when he is distracted".
Zohall couldn't even blink before a voice distorted by space and time cried out and echoed the null place that Zohall and the girl stood. "RIP VAN WINKLE! WHERE ARE YOU"!
Zohall looked her deeply in the eyes, "Is that your name, is Rip Van Winkle your name"?
She spoke quickly, for she knew that her time was short, "No, that is not my name, my real name is-
"RIIIIIIIIIP"!! The thunderous distorted voice rang out, cutting her off. Suddenly as though lifted by an invisible hand she began to be pulled away in the direction of the ocean. Zohall cried out and tried to hold onto her, but failed to even slow down the invisible force that stole her from him.
They neared the edge of the ocean now, Zohall's grip on Rip's hands slipping, "Whatever happens", he cried out, "I will rescue you, I swear to God"!
Suddenly she vanished as if she'd never been. Zohall mercer was left standing alone on a sandy beach when he woke up.
Unknown location, unknown time
Rip Van Winkle was pulled by the invisible force through time, space and reality. A science fiction buff would have compared her journey to the Millennium Falcon jumping into hyperspace. Suddenly she could see again, she once more saw the stronghold where her owner kept his stolen souls.
There filling up her entire field of vision surrounded by mist and woods and darkness and shadow was a haunted castle as tall as a mountain. The towers of the castle stood up like the broken teeth of a predatory animal. The bastions and defenses of the castle were manned by the damned. She was moving faster and faster towards the castle, she screamed as she was about to hit one of the indestructible stone walls.
Rip Van Winkle opened her eyes as she heard the sound of dripping water. She took in the familiar sight of one of the castle's dungeons. The very sight of these dingy depressing dungeons all but made her cry. The rags that covered her body had lost some of their integrity in transit so she was practically nude.
Choking back her tears, Rip Van Winkle tried to sing from her favorite opera.
Mein Sohn
My Son
Nur Mut
Be Brave
Wer Gott vertraut, baut gut
Who trusts in God, bears well
Jest auf
Now Go
In Bergen und Rluften
Through mountains and valleys
Tobt morgen der freudige Kreig!
Towards tomorrow's beautiful war
Already the young woman could feel her spirits pick up. No longer did she notice the damp cold nor care one wit about the bleak walls. All that mattered, the song, sent a fire coursing through her heart that was greater than the pain from her manacles.
Das wild in fluren und triften
The wild animals on the fields and tracks
Der aar in wolken und luften
The eagle in the clouds and sky
She could envision herself now with the eagle, soaring amongst the clouds and sky, leaving behind the subterranean caverns of the castle. She could imagine herself off to beautiful war. She was about to sing the next verse when somebody sung it for her, somebody that she hated and feared with every fiber of her being.
Ist unser, und unser der seig! Unser der seig! Unser der seig!
It's ours, our victory! Our victory! Our victory!
From everywhere and nowhere, the voice of Alucard reverberated like the growl of a hungry alligator. "That stupid opera is all you ever sing; it must have your favorite songs. Stupid piece of German romanticism". Rips' feelings stung at this attack on her favorite opera. Alucard pressed on, "Your voice must be raw from all that singing, why don't you let me sing one of my favorite songs".
Rip shuddered; she knew where Alucard's musical tastes ran. Before she knew it she heard Alucard's voice half whispering and half chanting.
Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the . . .
Rip looked around, perhaps trying to see if Alucard had physically materialized in the room. Unfortunately for her Alucard screamed the next part of the song right into her ear.
"FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR"!! Rip screamed and tried to get away from her tormentor. Alucard then leapt in front of her, dressed like a fur clad Wallachian conqueror returned from a hard day's battle. He shook his head in time with a tune that only he could hear.
Beaten, why for (why for)
Can't take much more
Here we go here we go now
One, nothing wrong with me
Two, nothing wrong with me
Three, nothing wrong with me
Four, nothing wrong with me
As he sung the lyrics, "Nothing wrong with me", he inched closer and closer to Rip. His long claw like hands reached for her but never actually touched her.
One, something's got to give
Two, something's got to give
Three, something's got to give
As Alucard sang his favorite song the little illumination from the room's tiny window vanished. The only light coming now came from Alucard's pearly white teeth and burning red eyes. The next part of the song he half growled and half sang.
Let the bodies hit the floor!
Let the bodies hit the floor!
Let the bodies hit the floor!
Let the bodies hit the flooooooor!!
The last word he sung he trailed off into a bestial roar. And Alucard cackled, the sight of Rip Van Winkle struggling with her chains like a cornered rat was just too much for him. Tears flowed freely from her eyes and Alucard fed off of them. Putting his hands on his hips Alucard gloated, "That is my favorite song. It's called "Bodies". It's done by a band called Drowning Pool". He cocked his head, "A fitting name, no"?
Rip Van Winkle could not look Alucard in the eye. She begged of him while at the same time trying not to let him see so much of her body, "Please, just leave me alone".
Alucard laughed, his heavy iron shod boots thumped on the stone floor, "And I would too Rip dearest but you break so easily. If you could simply ignore me I would let you but, but no, things won't change". He then inquired, "Who were you visiting when you stole away from my fortress of souls"?
Rip suddenly became defiant, "I would never-
"FAH! What do I care, I don't wish to know where you've been because it doesn't matter". He waved his hand and suddenly her remaining clothes vanished.
Rip shrieked like a terrified schoolgirl about to meet a horrible fate, "Please don't rape me"!
Alucard acted hurt, "Me rape you, I'm offended that you think I'm capable of such brutality". He sniffed and apparently started to cry.
Rip was confused; of all the things he expected of Alucard she never anticipated this. "Are you, alright"? She hardly dared to ask.
Suddenly Alucard stopped crying, "Just for that insult I think I will rape you". He pounced on Rip and she screamed out louder than before. Alucard stepped back from Rip in hysterics, "AHAHAH! I had you fooled for a moment, go say it. I fooled you".
Suddenly Rip's manacles vanished and she stood truly naked before Alucard. Weakened by despair and Alucard's taunts, she fell just as Alucard picked her up. Before she knew it he thrust a plastic tub into her hands. "What's this"?
Alucard told her up strait, "What do you think, it's lube".
Rip looked up quite confused, "Lube"?
Alucard said back, "Lube".
Rip said, "Lube"?
"Lube".
"Lube"?
"Lube"
"Lube"?
"FUCKING SEXUAL LUBRICANT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW"?
"What will I do with it"? Rip sounded so confused and helpless, it turned Alucard on.
"Well, from what I know you could use it as lubrication to allow my member access to your entrance".
Tears welled up in her eyes again, "But, you said you wouldn't rape me"!
"I'm not raping you, for the last time. I'm going to have consensual sex with you, you'll like it". Alucard looked at Rip Van Winkle not like a cruel conqueror but like a child awaiting a slurpee after a hard sports practice.
"I'm sorry, but no". Rip was almost hesitant to say it; Alucard looked so childlike in those last thirty seconds.
Alucard hung his head, "Oh, well, that's fine. I'll just go home and . . . do things". He made to exit the dungeon, "The dungeon door is open, there are clothes outside the room as well as complimentary donuts and coffee. Knock yourself out kiddo". And he was gone.
Real World, Hellsing Manor
"Here's the soup you asked for Walter", Zohall walked into the men's room with the steamy bowl of cream of mushroom.
Walter got up from the toilet; he hadn't even noticed that Zohall had been asleep for two hours. "Thank you Mr. Mercer, your efforts are greatly appreciated". Walter turned again to the toilet that he had unplugged by hand, "I have only one more ordeal to take car of". And with that, Walter hit the flush lever on the toilet.
As the water started to lower Walter's monocle fell off and landed in the toilet. Not willing to part with his monocle the former Angel of Death lunged for the monocle and rammed his arm down the toilet once more. Toilet water started to rise as Walter's arm plugged up the toilet anew. Walter crowed triumphantly, "Ha, you're not getting away that easily my friend".
Water spilled all over the floor and Walter tried to pull himself up. Walter grunted and huffed. Zohall asked, "What's wrong"?
"Well Mr. Mercer, I do believe that in the process of catching my monocle that I poorly clipped to my shirt, I thrust my arm into the toilet with such force that I'm now stuck". Walter tried to free himself once more, no luck though. "Mr. Mercer, be a sport and fetch Mr. Kennedy would you"?
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Well what do you think? Am I over the top enough? After this I'll probably start working on Hellsing Trek again. If you have any suggestions, requests or criticisms then send them to me right away and I'll do my best. Till next time folks, I love you.