Author's Note:
This chapter was really hard to write and did not come to me freely at all. Problems aside, I think it's okay, though. It's not my best work, though, I'll admit that.
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Chapter 11:
Harry wakes up the next morning surrounded by Slytherins. He looks around, confused for a second, before he remembers the previous day's events and groans. He still hasn't been able to fix things with Draco. Who he loves.
Shit. Get your shit together, Harry. It's not even a real relationship, you shouldn't care that you aren't on good terms. I love him, I have to care! I love him. This is so weird.
"Trouble in paradise, Potter?" a fourth year teases, causing the crowd of Slytherins to laugh.
"Fuck off," Harry shoots back, but suddenly the door he's leaning against opens and he's pulled inside the room by a seething Blaise Zabini.
"I thought I told you to leave last night, Potter," he says. "You shouldn't be here, but Draco seems to want to talk to you. Try anything and you're dead."
With that, Blaise exits the room and Harry and Draco are left alone. Harry's eyes find the blond boy. They study each other for a few minutes; Draco's hair is unkempt and it's obvious he didn't get much sleep last night and whatever sleep he did get was restless. Harry steps closer to Draco, but the blond flinches and puts a hand out to stop Harry with a pained look on his face.
"I'm sorry," Harry says heartbrokenly.
It takes Draco a long time to respond, but eventually he does. "I don't think I'll be able to trust you again. Not for some time at least. I know you didn't mean to hurt me and you weren't going to force me into anything, but right now I can't even look at you without getting scared. My brain just keeps replaying my father and what he did and matching it with yesterday and I don't know how to fix it. Yesterday shouldn't have even happened and I'm sorry it did. This isn't a real relationship, Potter. We've gotten carried away. From now on, I think it'd be best if we were only seen together when we need to be. We don't need to do anything behind closed doors, and we don't need to do anything other than kiss and hold hands in public. I'm sorry I got carried away with the scheme."
"Draco, please don't do this," Harry pleads. His heart feels like a fifteen-ton weight has just settled there, squeezing his heart until almost its breaking point. "We can get past this, Draco. We can get past this and then things can go back to normal."
"Exactly. We'll keep up the façade until my father's killer is found guilty and then everything can go back to the way they were. No harm, no foul, Potter. I think we need to break up for a few days, though. Just so I can get my bearings back."
Harry tries holding back his choked sob, but it comes out anyway. Draco whips his head up to make eye contact with Harry, who has tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Harry."
Harry can't control himself anymore. Tears flow freely from his eyes, despite his efforts to control himself in front of the boy he loves, but he can't. He quickly turns around out of embarrassment and runs out the door and through the Slytherin Common Room, ignoring the laughs and jeers of Draco's housemates. He runs through the dungeons and stops in an alcove to catch his breath. He knows he can't go back to Gryffindor where he'd be pestered with endless questions by Hermione or ridiculed by Ron or Ginny. He goes to the only place he can think of: the Room of Requirement.
Thankfully, the Room of Requirement hadn't been completely damaged in the war, and therefore, it is still fully-functional. Harry paces three times, repeating I need some place to think over and over until finally, an intricate door appears. Harry steps in, finding himself in a small room with a fire blazing in the corner near a couch and a small coffee table. Harry moves to lay down on the couch, his anguish finally taking over and he lets his sorrow out completely.
As Harry lays, he sobs, horrifying, gut-wrenching, snotty, loud sobs that shake his shoulders and make him gasp for breath. His thoughts are a jumble of stand-alone ideas that have no particular order or pattern to them.
What if this isn't temporary? God, Draco hates me. I almost raped him yesterday. Draco's scared of me; he can't even look at me. What am I going to do? Merlin, it's probably all over the school by now. Why does this feel like he actually broke up with me?
I'm so pathetic. It wasn't even a real relationship.
But it felt real. To me, it felt real. Probably because I actually love Draco.
Wait. I love Draco. I should be using that to my advantage. I should show the boy what he's missing.
Except he can't even look at me. Oh God, he thinks I was going to rape him. He thinks I'm like his father. His horrible father, who raped him since he was ten and abused him physically and emotionally and ruined whatever chance I had with his gorgeous, amazing, intelligent, wonderful son. His son who he defiled and used for his own personal release and twisted sense of love and security.
Draco thinks I would do that. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't know if he ever will again.
I'm so fucked. The person I love is afraid of me and I'm sitting here sobbing about it like a little whiny baby.
But I love him, and he doesn't love me back. And that fucking hurts.
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Harry doesn't leave the Room of Requirement until his stomach is growling almost constantly near dinnertime. He doesn't want to face the Great Hall, but he wants to see Draco. My Draco… No, not anymore, Harry. He was never yours. It was fake. It is fake. And this break-up is only temporary. Remember that. Harry walks into the Great Hall, not even caring that the whole student body knows that the Boy Who Lived was dumped by an ex-Death Eater or that his eyes are still red and everyone can tell he's been crying.
Harry just looks forward, despite the sniggers he hears coming from the Slytherins. He finally arrives at his usual place and sits down, slumping in his seat as he looks at the food offered. Lamb. What they had the night he and Draco started the façade. Harry feels tears well up in his eyes as he stares at the meat, but blinks them away when he feels Hermione's eyes on him.
He looks up at her, seeing pity in her eyes. "I heard about what happened, Harry. Everyone says Draco walked in on you having sex with Zabini. I don't know where the hell they got that idea, but we've been denying it every chance we get."
"Thanks. I want to explain things to you, Hermione. Can we meet in the Room of Requirement after dinner?"
"Sure, Harry."
The pair return to their food and a few minutes later, Harry gets up to go wait in the Room of Requirement, heading towards the door. He reaches to open them when they push out towards him themselves. Two people are walking in; Harry looks up to see Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy. Harry and Draco awkwardly make eye contact for a second before Draco averts his eyes and Blaise coldly shoves Harry. "Watch where you're going, Potter."
Harry stumbles, but doesn't fall, quickly regaining his balance and walking out of the Great Hall, just in time for the tears to start.
When Hermione gets to the Room of Requirement, Harry's been there for a half hour. He cries for a little while, drowning in the sorrow and guilt over Draco before pulling himself together and forcing himself to stop crying.
"Care to explain, Harry? I thought things were going so well," Hermione says, concern etching itself into her voice.
"It is—was. Well, I was giving him a—you know, a blow job," Harry says awkwardly, ignoring Hermione's smirk, "yesterday, and I wanted to make it even better for him. So, I was going to finger his… arse… and he… got scared. I don't want to go into details because this is very personal for Draco, but his father did very bad things to him and it kind of triggered some memories."
"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry. So, is the whole façade over?"
"No. The break-up is temporary. But I was really starting to think of Draco as a friend, and I think I may have ruined that."
Harry groans and puts his head in his hands despairingly. "Don't worry, Harry. Everything will work out in the end."
"I hope so."
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When Harry returns to the dorms, Neville moves to speak with him, sitting on his bed.
"You okay, mate?" Neville asks and Harry nods.
Neville turns to return to his own bed, but Harry suddenly remembers something, saying, "Hey, Nev. What was it you wanted to talk about when I was in the hospital wing?"
"Oh, it's nothing, Harry. It can wait until morning. I don't want to keep you from sleeping."
"I wouldn't get any sleep anyway, Neville. Come on, talk to me," Harry says reassuringly.
"Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but you're the only person that wouldn't laugh at me for telling you this stuff," Neville says, a blush appearing on his cheeks.
"You know I won't judge you no matter what, Neville."
"Yeah, um, Harry, this may seem a little weird to ask, but how did you know you were gay?"
Harry splutters, not expecting that question. He looks at Neville confusedly before answering, "I'm not really sure, Nev. It's just one of those things you really need to feel. Some people take a lot of time to unravel it and others take what seems like no time at all. For me, I had a lot of time to think. Thinking really helps with it; there are so many factors to think about when figuring this kind of stuff out."
"I think I might be bi," Neville says, flushing hotly before continuing, "I mean, I like girls. I think they're cool and some of them have really nice bodies, but… well, when I walked in on you and Draco in the bathroom, I, uh… I sorta got hard."
Harry's eyes widen and he chokes on his own spit. "Shit, Neville! Wow, what a way to find out. Are you sure you aren't just gay?"
"No, I'm pretty sure I'm bi," Neville says. He trails off and the Gryffindors sit in a companionable silence, neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. Eventually, Neville looks at Harry contemplatively.
Harry, realizing he's being studied, turns to Neville and smiles what he hopes is a reassuring, hopeful smile. "Neville? Is there are reason you're looking at me like that?"
"Oh, Harry I thought maybe—you know, since you have so much experience—maybe you could help me, um… be sure?" Neville asks awkwardly, looking away from Harry's surprised gaze.
Harry doesn't know how to respond, so he sits there speechless. "How?"
"How what?"
"How am I going to help you know for sure?" Harry asks.
"Well, maybe we could… kiss?"
Neville looks down after saying this, embarrassed to be having this conversation, sure he's going to be turned down. Of course, Harry surprises Neville, saying, "Sure. I could use a little stress relief."
"Oh! Okay…"
Neville takes a few deeps breaths before moving closer to Harry on the bed. Harry moves closer to Neville and soon the pair is just a few inches from each other. Harry looks Neville in the eye, asking, "You sure?" before getting a nod from the boy and continuing. Harry slowly leans closer to Neville and vice versa. Neville seems nervous and for a second, Harry thinks he's actually going to back out, but before he can, the raven's lips press down onto the brunette's.
Their lips move slowly together, and Harry brings his hand up to caress Neville's cheek, moving it to the back of Neville's neck, deepening the kiss. Harry's about to pull away when Neville moans quietly. Suddenly, Harry's encouraged to do more when Neville is quickly responding with enthusiasm. The boy entangles his hands in Harry's hair and Harry's tongue explores his mouth.
Neville moans again and Harry thinks about how good it feels to be kissing Draco again when he remembers that it's not Draco. He's kissing Neville.
Harry quickly pulls away, alarmed, causing Neville to whine but Harry ignores it. "I'm sorry, Neville. I'm so sorry. I can't do this, not right now. It's too soon after…"
"After Draco?" Harry flinches at Neville's use of the Slytherin's name but nods nonetheless, tears springing once again to his eyes. Neville, seeing the emotion in Harry's eyes, wraps his strong arms around Harry, cradling him, comforting him when his boyfriend won't.
"It's okay, Harry," Neville whispers, slowly rubbing Harry's back as Harry sobs into his shoulder. "He'll come back for you. He'll come back."
Harry sobs for about twenty more minutes before thanking Neville, slipping under his covers and falling asleep.
Neville watches the boy fondly as he gets ready for bed, remembering the kiss they shared.
Yeah, he thinks, I'm definitely at least bi.
HPDMHPDMHPDM
Shorter chapter, I know, which sucks. The next chapter will heat up (I hope).
Please review!