Where to begin, well first of all the outpour of support from all of you has been very touching and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't made me feel both good and of course bad for disappointing all of you. Who'd believed a group of total strangers could tug at your emotions that way? I write because it's fun for me, it's a wonderful release and a way to pass the time constructively instead of destructively. I can handle negative reviews. You can tell me I suck after every chapter if you want and I wouldn't care, but the idea that I put something so horrible out there it actually hurt someone, triggered something or brought back painful memories they felt like I was trivializing was and is something I'd never want to do and because this is a public forum I felt like removing it was the responsible thing to do. However, since I live in a democracy and completely believe in and support that concept, the majority will rule here and I'll put the chapter back up as Chapter 11 and continue on.
I hope to those that felt sickened or appalled or God forbid personally affected that you will believe me when I say that I typically draw on personal experience when finding the emotional place I need to go to when putting the really heavy stuff out there. I don't just assume that people deal with things the way I'd like to believe they do, but draw from what I know which is the best that I can do. If you pay attention to the subtle hints you will see that while Kate has moved on, has found a way to enjoy life again and yes, even sex, that she is still carrying her burden and that she still does have things to overcome and trust me, being genuinely loved and accepted and allowed to be scarred emotionally without seeming ugly is the best way in my opinion to overcome the things that try to keep you down, better than therapy and better than mass amounts of prescription medication. So……here is the controversial chapter.
They lay on the bed, both without a shirt, wrapped up in a slow, heavy kiss. He'd led her into the bedroom where they'd taken their time undressing one another, getting the upper halves of their bodies stripped before falling onto the bed, needing to be close and to hold one another, intimacy a greater need than sex for the moment. He finally pulled away, but just enough to look into her eyes, his legs entangled with her legs, their stomachs and chests pressed together, his arms wrapped around her torso, holding her back and her arms draped over his shoulders, connecting behind his neck.
He peeled her away from him scooting away and positioning himself on his knees beside her. He encouraged her to roll over onto her stomach and let his fingers glide lightly over the warm soft skin of her back. He moved over her, straddling her hips, placing his hand gently over her upper back and feeling her tense up immediately. He gently massaged her back and she let out a deep breath, relaxing under his magic fingers.
His hand moved slowly down her back, to the waistband of the lounge pants she was wearing. He slipped his fingers just inside the elastic and let them slowly glide over the lowest portion of her back in opposite directions until his fingers were now positioned on her sides. He gripped the top of the pants and began pulling them down her hips. He looked up and noticed her eyes were closed tightly and her hands were gripping the pillows as if she were anticipating something painful. He let go of her pants and slid back up her body slowly, unsure of why she seemed almost scared, but sure that he needed to approach whatever was going on with her with sensitivity. He moved her hair away from her neck and placed his mouth on the exposed skin, feeling her flinch and feeling the muscles in her upper arms tighten as she gripped the pillows tighter. He kissed the exposed skin gently and moved his mouth to her ear, still straddling her from behind, reaching out and placing his hands over her hands.
"Relax, I only want to do things that will feel good to you, I promise." He whispered softly and calmly feeling her hands relax underneath his.
"I'm sor……" She started to apologize, but was cut off by him lightly placing his lips over hers and then pulling back.
"Shh….you're great. You're so sweet and soft and beautiful, I want to touch and taste all of you, that's all, just touch and taste." He said in a soft, sexy tone, feeling her start to loosen up.
He began kissing his way back down her neck, slowly moving his mouth over her shoulders and then down her spine in a tantalizing, slow manner, his tongue gently licking its way down the shallow valley in the center of her back, eliciting light moans from her as her entire body relaxed and began to turn to jelly below him. He took hold of her pants again and slowly pulled them down, kissing and lightly flicking his tongue over the flesh he was gradually exposing, taking his time, making sure he touched, kissed and tasted as much of her as could as he pulled the pants and her panties down past her hips, over her thighs, past her smooth, firm calves over her feet and off, tossing them to the floor before touching, massaging, kissing and tasting his way back up her legs.
His travels stopped at the bend where her legs met her butt, that highly sensitive crease that welcomed the tip of his tongue, squirming beneath him, her legs opening up just enough to allow him to glide his finger lightly down the center, feeling her heat and desire and in one quick motion turning her over onto her back. He sat up on his knees and unfastened his jeans to relieve the pressure and then crawled between her legs, placing light kisses on the inside of her thighs as he slowly moved toward her center, her scent intoxicating to him, making his mind swim with desire and his mouth eager to taste her.
As he grew closer she could feel his hot breath where she wanted him, where she craved, where for the first time in very long time she wanted or craved any man to be and she raised her hips slightly, encouraging him to get on with it, to penetrate her with the hardness he'd just set free, the hardness she'd had twice now and found herself fantasizing about when he wasn't around and physically craving when he was.
Without raising his head, he placed his large hand on her lower abdomen and gently pushed her hips back down onto the bed and then moved his tongue through her wet crease, making her moan loudly and open wider for him. He felt her hand moving over his short hair, looking for something to grip as he continued to slowly work his tongue and his lips over her now dripping wet pussy. He reached up, took hold of her hand and pulled his mouth away from what it was hungry for long enough to suck two of her fingers into his mouth and drench them with his saliva before placing the wet fingers over her clit and dropping his mouth back down and pushing his tongue into her.
He moved his tongue slowly in and out, fucking her slowly with it, feeling her writhe and begin to pant, her hands gripping the sheets on either side of her and her toes digging into the mattress. She tasted as sweet as he knew she would and his cock was so hard he had to push his pants and his underwear down and away from it, while focusing all of his attention on her sweet, wet center that was dripping and swelling and trying to clench around his mouth. He slid his tongue up through her slippery crease, her juices smearing onto his chin as he sucked her clit in his mouth and pushed two fingers inside of her, the simultaneous act making her cry out and dig her toes deeper into the mattress.
She tossed her head from side to side, what he was doing to her bringing her release to the edge and numbing her mind, her only focus on coming, the slow methodical movement his fingers fucking her coinciding with the warm, sensuous sucking of her clit into his mouth was building to an explosive orgasm she wasn't sure she'd survive, but was okay with it if it was the last thing she felt before departing this earth. The tidal wave of warmth and excitement was on its way and as it reached the edge and spilled over a very loud "Oh My God" was all she could manage before the sounds coming from her became a mixture of squeals and pants, her thighs clamping onto his head to still the movement, everything so sensitive she could no longer stand for him to touch her.
He waited for her to ride the orgasm out, pleased that he'd managed to make her come so hard and for so long, not because it stroked his ego, but because he sensed she deserved and needed to have a man make her feel good, make her the object of his warmth and affection and make her feel like she was special and she was quickly becoming very special to him. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted any woman as much as he wanted her and not just in an animalistic, hungry sexual way, but in an intimate, caring, need to be sweet and let you know I worship your body and respect your beautiful mind way.
When she settled he slithered slowly up her body, his jeans still covering half of his butt and all of his legs. He hovered over her, looking into her eyes with trust and passion and even need and then wrapped his body around hers, closing his mouth over hers and kissing her with a longing that was all for her. She felt his kiss tingling through her entire body as his hardness lay against her stomach, the wetness from his tip leaving a light trail over her hot skin.
He pulled out of the kiss and lifted himself a little, looking into her eyes as he brushed his fingers gently down the side of her face and then down her jaw-line.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I'm great. Make love to me Jack and don't stop until you absolutely have to." She whispered in a lusty tone that made him groan.
He pushed his pants and underwear down to his knees while positioning his tip at her entrance. He pushed into her, her hot slippery walls swallowing him instantly and wholly nearly making him come right then, being in so deep, yet so snugly blinding him for a second. He could feel her pushing his pants down his legs with her feet and when she got them to his ankles he kicked them off one foot at a time, being careful not to disturb what he considered a perfect connection.
He stayed buried deep inside her, pushed up slightly and devouring her breasts, his wet mouth alternating from one nipple to the other. Her entire body was on fire and he was adding fuel to the flames, continuing to suck her nipples while moving slowly within her, just enough to apply the necessary pressure to make her come again, clenching around his hard, pulsating cock and pulling him down to her, panting in his ear while he continued to move, making the orgasm last as long as possible.
He kissed her again, this one wet and sloppy, his own excitement starting to be come urgent as his movement within her became more intense, applying deeper, longer and harder thrusts as his own release was nearing and making him hungrier. He pushed up onto his arms, both of them flexed, the biceps bulging and the veins in his arms so prominent she could feel them underneath her palms as she moved her hands slowly up and down his forearms, pulling her knees back more and smiling as he sank deeper into her and groaned with pleasure her actions encouraging him to go for it, to thrust with as much power and speed as he could muster.
His mind was gone, his pleasure peaking and sending him into a frenzied state of relief seeking and he began pounding into her hard and fast, driving her hips deep into the mattress, making her come again, continuing to thrust himself deep within her while she verbalized what she was feeling in a less than lady-like fashion he liked very much. She held tightly to his shoulders, sensing he was close, the box springs were screeching and the headboard was banging against the wall as he moved furiously in and out of her, finally slowing down, watching her, his mouth unable to form words and his eyes begging her to come for him again. She could feel the next orgasm building and nodded at him. He moved in and out with deep, deliberate strokes and when he felt her clenching around him again he pushed in one last time and let go, his body covered with sweat and jerking against her as he filled her womb with his seed.
He dropped his weight onto his folded arms and let his face fall into the pillow beside her head and stayed inside of her, breathing hard and still too sensitive to move. She wrapped her arms around his neck and encouraged him to look at her, drawing him into a kiss when he did and then finally allowing their mouths to separate.
He finally moved off of her and collapsed on the bed beside her, exhausted, but in a very good way. She curled up next to him, laying her head on his chest, him putting his arm around her before pulling the sheet up to their waists. They lay quietly, allowing their bodies to recover, growing sleepy and coming close to dozing off when the mattresses suddenly dropped to the floor scaring them at first and then making them both break out into hysterical laughter.
"You broke the bed Jack, that's got to be one of those things guys brag about for the rest of their life." Kate suggested still giggling over it.
"I'm sorry. If I can't fix the frame I'll buy you a new one." Jack apologized.
"Don't be sorry, god that was incredible. To hell with the bed frame, let's just put the mattresses on the floor if that's what I have to look forward to every time we make love." Kate said.
"Mmm, so are you trying to tell me you're looking forward to hooking up with me again?" He teased.
"Well, you did promise to be my date this weekend." She reminded him.
"I have to wait until this weekend?" He asked, pretending to pout.
"Jack, that's like two days, I think you'll survive." Kate laughed.
"Can I ask you something Kate and you promise to give me an honest answer?" Jack asked.
"I guess after being so demanding about knowing your secrets I can't really deny that request." She answered.
"Exactly how long has it been since your last physical relationship?" Jack asked.
"I was that bad huh?" Kate sighed.
"No Kate. I could come up with so many adjectives to describe you, but bad doesn't even come to mind." Jack answered.
"It's been six years Jack." Kate finally answered.
"Seriously?" He replied in a surprised tone.
"Yes, I guess you could say after that long you probably had yourself a virgin huh?" Kate suggested.
"So Maddie's father was your last relationship?" Jack asked.
"Other than the odd date here and there, Maddie's father has been my only relationship, ever." She admitted.
He wasn't quite sure how to process the information. He could tell that someone had hurt her, possibly even raped her, but should he ask if the father of her child was the person that had done it.
"Kate, I'm not going to push you for information about something that is probably extremely painful and personal, but if you ever want to talk about whoever hurt you and what whoever hurt you did to you I'll always be ready to listen." Jack offered.
"I don't know what you mean Jack." Kate lied.
"Kate, don't do that. You can do just about anything you want and get away with it, but don't ever lie to me. I won't ever be in another deceptive relationship." Jack said.
"What makes you think I'm lying to you?" Kate asked.
"I can tell that you've been hurt or sexually abused or even raped at some point Kate and I'm sorry that someone did that to you. You don't have to talk about it, but please believe that I will never hurt you or treat you or your body with disrespect." Jack told her.
"Is it considered rape when it's your husband?" Kate asked.
"Yeah, I think it is. Do you want to talk about it?" Jack asked.
"It's crazy Jack, but for the first time in six years I actually do want to talk about it. There's something about you that screams "Trust me!" and I do, I just don't want to muck up the first good thing I've ever known." Kate sighed.
"I'm flattered Kate, especially knowing you've seen up close and personal just how big of a fuck up I am, and you can trust me. Whatever you want to share won't muck up anything, I promise. We're at the very least friends and at the very most…..well, I guess we'll find out as time goes on. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to the journey." Jack said sweetly and tightened his hold on her.
"I met Michael in my first year of college. I was 19 and he was 25. He was an intern and I was one of the lucky ones involved in a pretty bad car accident. I had a cut on my arm and a bloody nose. He bandaged me up, offered some comfort and one thing led to another and we started dating. After dating for nearly a year we finally slept together." Kate explained.
"A year?" Jack asked in a somewhat shocked tone apparently unaware that people still did that sort of thing.
"I know, but it just wasn't there." Kate said.
"What wasn't there?" Jack asked.
"Whatever it was that drew us together so quickly, that feeling, that desire, that thing that makes you light-headed and eager to touch and be touched." Kate explained making him chuckle lightly, not because she was funny, but because she was right. He was attracted to her even in the beginning when she was being mouthy and shooting visual daggers at him.
"So I finally sleep with him and it wasn't toe-curling fabulous like it was the first time I slept with you. It was kind of creepy and the sex was bad, but it was good enough to get me pregnant and feeling trapped into marrying a man I didn't love. He didn't want much to do with me while I was pregnant and wouldn't touch me in a sexual way so I really had no idea just how creepy things were going to be in the bedroom." Kate said and took a deep breath.
She was quiet for a long time and then finally spoke again.
"Are you sure you want to hear this Jack?" Kate asked.
"I'm not afraid to hear it Kate and it's not going to change how I look at you or feel about you and hopefully it can't be worse than the awful things I've been imagining." Jack said.
"After Maddie was born he got mean and demanding, not even allowing me to heal from the childbirth before he violated me for the first time as my husband. She was a difficult delivery that resulted in a lot of vaginal stitching. I can't even begin to describe what it was like to have my hands tied to the bedposts and be forced up onto my hands and knees and fucked like an animal just one week after giving birth. I finally passed out from the pain." She told him, her voice void of any kind emotion.
"Jesus." Jack mumbled unable to come up with anything more.
"It was always that way nearly every day after that. He's a sadist and can only enjoy sex if he's inflicting pain, although he did actually allow me to heal after the first time because he found all the blood and my losing consciousness to be a total turn off." She continued with her story.
Jack didn't comment, anger, resentment and disgust consuming all of his thoughts and none of those feelings for her, but for the bastard that had done it to her.
"He liked to make me jerk him off or perform fellatio and then criticize and call me names for being so bad at it, followed up with being punished for being so bad at it, hands and feet tied to the bed, biting my nipples or clamping things onto them and inserting things into me that didn't fit, pushing things to the limit and being a doctor he always knew what the limit was before he caused any kind of damage that would require medical attention. He loved to force himself into me dry, that was his favorite thing and then to just keep pounding, rubbing me raw and then he'd pull out and ejaculate all over my face. Do you know what the worst part was?" Kate asked.
"What?" He replied.
"A couple of times he actually brought me to orgasm, so what does that say about me?" Kate said.
"Come on Kate, you're educated enough about the human anatomy to know that isn't always derived from pleasure." Jack reasoned.
"Maybe, but that didn't make it any less disturbing to deal with when it happened. Michael liked tying me to the bed on my stomach naked and spanking me with a paddle until he made me cry. He liked it better if he could make me cry. Then he'd force himself into me anally. No preparation, no lube, he'd just dive in and I usually wouldn't be able to sit comfortably for days afterward. The last straw, the thing that finally made me leave even if it meant losing Maddie was when he brought three of his friends home with him and as soon as the baby was asleep they gang raped me on the pool table for hours, vaginally, anally and orally. They inserted pool cues inside me, they shoved their entire fist inside me, they poured beer inside of me, shoved ice cubes in me, shoved their dicks in my mouth and fucked me over and over." She admitted and clung tightly to him.
The memory of that night affecting her deeply, making her tremble, her voice cracking as she finally became emotional, which Jack was glad to see, her lack of emotion over all of it starting to concern him. He held her as tight as he could, pulling her closer until most of her body was on top of his. He kissed her forehead and continued to hold her.
"I thought I was going to die Jack. It hurt so much and they wouldn't stop and the only reason they did was because one of them shoved the cue ball inside me and couldn't get it out. It took Michael nearly 20 minutes to get it out of me. I left him that night. It was two o'clock in the morning and I left with the clothes on my back. I had to." Kate explained finally letting her tears go.
They lay together, him holding her and her feeling like a tremendous weight had been lifted, having never told another person about that night until just now.
"Kate, you've got to be the strongest, bravest, classiest, most together person I've ever met. I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm so impressed with the woman lying in my arms right now." Jack said.
"It's been six years Jack, I've come to grips with it for the the most part. I know I got a little jumpy and maybe even scared when you were just trying to make me feel good earlier and hopefully that will go away in time because I'm not afraid of you Jack, I swear. I guess we've both got some baggage thugh huh?" She said.
"Yeah, but you carry your baggage by finishing your education and being fully independent and devoting your life to those who are less fortunate. I need to take some lessons from you." He said and laughed a sick laugh as he considered how pathetic he must seem to her.
"Yeah well before you beat yourself up for turning to alcohol when your baggage got too heavy please consider that it was alcohol that landed me in that emergency room the night I met Michael and it is the reason Michael and his friends aren't in jail for raping me and the reason he has my daughter." Kate admitted.
"I don't understand Kate." Jack said.
"I've told you one of my darkest secrets Jack, but if we're going to go forward with this relationship you deserve to know my darkest secret and maybe you'll still want to stick around and maybe you won't, but either way, at least I can say I didn't lie to you." Kate told him.
"Okay." Jack said.
"The night of the accident, my friends and I were driving around being stupid, thinking we were cool. I was drunk, but chose to drive anyway. A man, a homeless man stepped out in front of the car and I hit him. We got out of the car to check on him, see if he was okay, but he wasn't, he was dead and I started freaking out. The two guys that were with me and my girlfriend that night said we should just leave, drive away. I didn't want to, but I was scared and let them convince me to jump into the passenger seat while Stevie drove. He flipped the car three miles down the road, killing all three of my friends instantly. I had my seatbelt on. I was young, stupid, scared and sad and when this cute, charming doctor started asking me questions I spilled my guts and he kept my secret, but as you can see the price was steep. He brutalized me sexually for a year and he's got my baby. He lets me see her so I won't get completely frustrated with the situation and decide to tell what he did and take my chances with the courts over the hit and run. I'm pretty sure devoting my life to the clinic is my way of trying to make up for killing that poor homeless man." Kate told him, sobbing now, her grief over having killed someone greater than the trauma of being gang-raped on a pool table.
"Shh, it's okay, it was an accident, it's not like you went out looking to run down a homeless man. Is your daughter safe Kate?" Jack asked.
"Michael adores Maddie and would never hurt her, he just liked hurting me. Maybe because he knew he could. I'm sure that's why he still does, just because he knows he can and gets some sick pleasure from it. He was probably jerking off when he called to tell me I couldn't have Maddie as planned." Kate said.
"Well, this has been an evening of brutal honesty hasn't it? My shit, your shit, piles of shit. Talking about the shit in your life is exhausting as hell so when we have our fun date this weekend there will be no heavy issues discussed. Deal?" Jack said, his way of letting her know he wasn't about to bolt over her disclosure.
"Oh please, you're exhausted because this was also an evening of the greatest sex two people ever shared and I've got a broken bed to prove it." She teased.
He moved her to the side and then rolled her onto her back, kissing her deeply and then offering a mischievous grin.
"Want to see if we can break it some more?" He asked.
"But I thought you were exhausted." She replied with an edge of playfulness.
He pressed his body into hers, allowing her to feel his quickly hardening length and she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss, slipping her tongue into his mouth and kissing him with as much passion as she could muster, wanting to express how much she cared for him and all the shit he was going though and how deeply his patience, kindness and lack of desire to judge affected her. She broke the kiss and slid her hand down between them, wrapping it around his cock and smiling at him.
"I guess you're not as exhausted as I thought, but I get be in the driver's seat this time." She said confidently as she rolled him onto his back and straddled him.
"You're really hot when you're bossy." He said, grinning with approval and anticipation.
"Yeah, well you're really irresistible when you're submissive." She said and fell forward, kissing him again.