Disclaimer: I don't own OTH or any of its characters

DAY 3

I've had to spend the night at the infirmary because I was still feeling kinda dizzy, but this morning I've returned to my room. I share a room with a girl named Agnes. She must have been in the centre for quite a while, because her aspect is not as horrible as mine, although I wouldn't say she's totally recovered.

She seems to be nervous all the time, she speaks very fast and sometimes she forgets what she's saying and then just laughs. She has spent nearly an hour telling me how great it is to be here compared to the streets; I have the impression that she wanted to speak about her experiences, and probably about mine, but I didn't want to, so I've said I was supposed to meet someone and I've left.

Well, that was not a complete lie. I'm supposed to meet Erik, only he doesn't know it yet. I haven't seen him since he left the infirmary yesterday. He said he might come back, but he didn't, and I'm so worried that he's mad at me.

I want to apologise for being such an asshole, and thank him for being so kind and helpful. When I pass the room where I fainted yesterday, I see him playing cards with two guys in one of the tables, and I approach them, not very sure about how to start.

-Erik? May I have a word with you?-I asked, smiling shyly.

He doesn't smile back, but gives me a nod and gets up. He leads me to a corner where there's none else and looks at me inquisitively.

-Erik, I'm… I'm so sorry. I had no right to be so mean. It's just… when that woman said she had seen my file… I don't know; I just freaked out. I didn't even know her name, and she knew about my addictions, my baby… I didn't mean to be nasty, especially to you, who are always so kind. I know I should be very grateful. I am, honestly, but sometimes I… I don't show it, and I know that's so unfair for you and for the people who try to help me. I don't know if I can do it, really-I say, nearly without breathing.

Erik remains silent for a moment, and then he smiles, though not as warmly as usual.

-It's OK-he says-Actually, I'm quite used to people behaving like that when they are here, especially at the beginning. Of course, it doesn't mean that I like it. I've had to learn how to be patient, and when I think that I'm about to lose my temper, I just remember that one day, not that long ago, I also was nasty to people who wanted to help me. Peyton, you are about to start a very, very hard journey. When it's over, you will be exhausted physically and psychologically, and you will need people by your side, taking your hand when you are falling…-he stares at me and gives me the sweetest smile ever-I promise I won't let you down, but the hardest work is yours-he checks his watch-It's already lunchtime. Why don't you come with me and have something to eat?

-I don't feel hungry, actually…-I start, but then I remembered the episode with Nosey Rosey and I decide I better accept his offer.

The canteen is quite big, with white walls and squared tables for 8 people each. It smells like bleach a bit, but that doesn't disturb me, for it means it's a clean place. Well, it's not that there is a reason why it should be dirty or something, but I was imagining it as the kind of room where you could find food on the floor or vomit on the wall…

As we approach the food table, I start to feel really sick, but I don't want to complain, so I try not to put too much salad on my plate and I pick the smallest steak I can find.

Erik leads me to a table where five people are already sitting. We greet them before leaving our trays on the table and some of them smile at me. Their smiles are toothless and ugly, but somehow they make me feel welcome and I return the smile.

-You new?-asks a man. Looking at him, I would say he must be around fifty, but he has a younger man's voice.

-Yes, it's my third day.

-Welcome, then. I'm Bob, and this guy here is my mate, Rick. We've been here for five weeks-he explains, and when he speaks I can hear something like a whistle due to the air that escapes the gaps in his mouth. Rick just stares at me and smiles, but doesn't speak.

-I'm Peyton-I say. I don't know if I should add something else, trying to maintain a longer conversation or something, but before I can decide a topic to talk about, Bob turns to Rick and asks him if he thinks they will be allowed to watch the football game tonight. It's pretty obvious they have already lost their interest in me.

I look at back at Erik, and I realise that he's looking at them and there is an affectionate but sad smile on his lips. He starts to eat in silence, so I eat as well, though I feel I could puke with every bite. Some of the people in the table speak with us, but it's just small talk. They leave the moment they finish their food. When it's only Bob, Rick, Erik and I sitting on the table, Bob talks to us again.

-Good meal today, right? Think I could rest for a while now. I'll got to my room. Rick, let's go.

-Bob-says Erik-don't forget you two have to attend the meeting in half an hour.

-Yes, we'll be there, thanks-he says smiling, though I have the impression he's not really pleased with that.

When they leave, Erik sighs.

-Is everything OK?-I ask. I notice that I'm not feeling that sick anymore.

-Yes…Well, no…I don't know. These guys, Bob and Rick, they are not bad guys, but you see, they have been here for 5 weeks and I still have to remind them what they have to do, they just don't care. If I hadn't told them to go to the meeting, they would have gone to their room to sleep for hours. And the worst part is that they have already been here twice before. They recover, they get back home, two weeks clean and then they start again. This is their last chance. There are many people that would recover for good and we cannot accept them here because there are too many patients, and there are people like these two, who have the chance and just… It's so frustrating-he says, running a hand through his blonde hair.

I can't help but thinking of poor Rusty. Real or not, he has become a kind of a symbol to me. Something that reminds me how lucky I am, and that gives me the courage to face fuckin' withdrawal symptoms.

Suddenly, I feel stronger, and the path doesn't seem so long and so hard, because I really want to do it, and I'm ready, really ready to get better, and I feel it's going to be very easy and… and I can't focus on what I was thinking, because I feel a horrible pain in my abdomen and I suddenly understand that I need a toilet and I need it now.

I get up very fast, I mumble some apology and I run out of the canteen, leaving a bewildered Erik sitting at the table. I'm not really sure where the closest toilets are, but I hope I can find one soon or I will have to use a flowerpot or something. Oh, yes! I see one there… Oh my, I don't know if I can run fast enough…

I start unbuttoning my trousers while I'm still on the corridor… Oh…I enter and I close the door behind me. Aw, man, this must be the worst diarrhoea ever… So well, maybe it is not going to be that easy after all…