Dean woke up, face down on Sam's couch with a screaming headache and a full bladder. He chanced opening one eye to get his bearings and was greeted with the oppressing sun beaming a stream of morning right across his face. He groaned and cursed and swore that he would never drink that much again even though he knew it was a lie. On the coffee table in front of him was a tall glass of water and a few Ibuprofen. Oh, bless Jess!
He rolled off the couch and headed to the bathroom to relieve himself. While he was in there, he spotted his reflection in the mirror and in that moment last night came rushing back to him. Oh, fuck! Had he seriously come out to his brother? Suddenly the dull headache that was fogging his thoughts was replaced by a searing wave of pain as the adrenaline compounded his hangover.
Stumbling back into the living room, he sat back down on the couch and downed the pills and water in several long gulps then leaned back on the couch, resting his arm across his eyes. He could feel the familiar anxiety rising up inside of him, flooding his veins with tension delivered to every cell of his body. He could hear his heart beat fast and loud enough that he couldn't believe it wasn't waking up Jess and Sam. It was pounding in his ears.
Flashes of mangled bodies, gunshots, and the smell of blood and gunpowder were starting to overwhelm his senses. His breathing became more shallow and he leaned forward with his face in his hands trying to get enough air into his constricted chest.
Then he felt a hand, solid and soft, in the center of his back. "Dean, are you OK?" Jess' soft whisper came from above him as she settled down next to him on the couch, not leaving any space between their bodies. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and held him steady.
Dean was suddenly back in the present, safe in his brother's home. There was no war happening all around him and he could breathe again. He practiced his breathing technique and brought his body back to normal, eventually leaning back into the soft couch with Jess. She took her arm off his shoulder and held his hand instead, resting it over his knee. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he tilted his to rest in her soft blonde curls. He thought of how lucky his brother was to have someone like Jess. He wished that there could someday be a person in his life like this. He really wished that that person could be Cas.
"Thanks, Jess. This PTSD crap sometimes comes out of nowhere."
"Of course. You know I am always here for you, right?"
Dean squirmed. This was getting a little uncomfortable. "So what next? Should we braid each other's hair and paint our nails? Isn't that what you and Sammy do at your slumber parties?"
"Ugh, Dean, you are impossible." Jess groaned and laughed and squeezed his hand. "Come on, let's get some breakfast into you then I'll take you to pick up your car."
The two of them ate scrambled eggs and toast and a generous amount of coffee while discussing wedding plans and Sam's latest case and the Dean's bizarre new customer. Then they headed out to The Roadhouse. As they pulled in Jess asked Dean, "How do you feel about being an uncle?"
"What? Jess, are you?"
"No, not yet, but I think we are going to try soon after the wedding. If I plan it right, I can have the baby in the spring and have all summer off with it before I have to go back to teaching in the fall."
"Oh my God, Jess, that's great! I will definitely be that awesome uncle that buys the kids loud toys, lets them play in the dirt and ruin their clothes, and someone will have to teach them good music."
Jess smiled at Dean and she was perfect. She was smart and beautiful and she loved his brother and was going to be an awesome mother. "That's exactly the kind of uncle I want you to be. He's scared, you know, of what kind of father he'll be."
"Shit, he's probably afraid of being like our dad. I'll talk to him."
"I think he'd appreciate that. They say you become like the people who raised-"
"Jess, no, Sam won't be like that. He is better than that."
"You didn't let me finish, Dean. They say you become like the people who raised you. That's why I know that Sam will be a wonderful father. It wasn't John who made Sam into the man he is today. It was you, Dean. You raised him, in every way that matters, and I would be proud if he was the kind of father to our children that you were to him."
Dean didn't know what to say. He felt a lump in his throat that threatened to take his manhood if he tried to make a sound. Instead he leaned over and hugged his soon-to-be-sister-in-law.
"I love you, Dean."
"I know." Dean kissed her forehead and got out of the car. This was starting to turn into a good day. He was going to meet up with Cas today and take the roadster out for its first drive.
Maybe it was still the high from the conversation with Jess, but Dean was feeling pretty good. He made a quick stop at home to get cleaned up and in the shower ran over a thousand scenarios in his head of what he could say to Cas. The problem was there never seemed to be a right thing to say. How do you tell your best friend (and a guy at that), who is with someone else, that you think you have feelings for him and not have him run for the hills?
Dean's confession scenarios became more and more outlandish in his mind and pretty soon found their way to emulating a bad porno. Yeah, he was pretty sure that showing up at Cas's door with a pizza in hand wearing nothing but a smile would get him arrested before it got him ravished against a wall, but a guy could dream couldn't he? And that just sent blood straight to Dean's traitorous dick. What the hell, might as well make the best of his crazy situation. With Cas' blue eyes and perfect long hands in his mind, Dean imagined what it would be like to look into those eyes while those hands explored his body and those incredible hips rocked against his so obscenely. Dean worked himself with furious strokes and called Cas' name as he reached his climax.
With a thousand thoughts swimming through his head, he headed to the shop and found Cas waiting for him on the stoop. The morning was cool and he was hunched over his cup of coffee, warming his hands with it, the steam rising around his face bathing him in an otherworldly glow. Dean's heart skipped a beat. Cas was beautiful sitting there with those damn blue eyes looking up at him, so bright and clear in the morning sunlight.
"Morning' Cas. You're here early."
"I couldn't sleep and there is something I wanted to talk to you about." As Cas said this, his eyes shifted down nervously and Dean could see that there was something heavy weighing on his friend.
Shit, thought Dean. He knew this was too good to last. Now that they were done with the car, maybe Cas didn't want to spend time together any more. Maybe Cas was just pretending to like him all this time to get his help. Damn, he felt like such a sucker!
"Sure, whatever. Want to get her started up and we can talk on the road?" He had said it harsher than he meant but he couldn't help it. This sucked and he was pissed. He knew there was no reason a guy like Cas would want to spend time with someone like him. Cas was awesome. He was smart and sexy, talented and well read. What would he want with an ex-grunt with a GED? Typical officer thinking he is better than us grunts, he thought. Dean walked in the door and was grateful that Victor was already there. He wouldn't have to wait around for anyone to show up before he could head out. He really wanted to get this over with.
Seated in the passenger seat, Castiel steeled himself for the conversation that he needed to have. He didn't know how Dean would react to his sexuality but he didn't want to keep this part of him secret from Dean any more. They headed west with Dean driving. He had requested to drive the car first so that he could feel how the engine was working. Driving, he could connect with the car and feel for pops, skips or grinds. Castiel was happy to oblige, feeling jittery and exposed enough without worrying about the road.
After about 30 minutes of Dean talking about the car, making mental notes of how each system was functioning, testing the breaks, the alignment, and the transmission, he felt pretty proud of a job well done. There was very little that needed tweaked on this car. When he couldn't think of anything else to say about the car, he glanced over at Cas and saw that he was wringing his hands and staring out the window like he was a prisoner in this car.
"Cas, talk to me. What's going on with you today?"
Cas looked at Dean with one of his patented squints and head tilts, which Dean found kind of adorable, and knock it off, Winchester! You can't be pining for a guy who is about to tell you to take a hike.
"Now that we are done with the car, I thought that I might drive it down to Texas to visit Balthazar's grave. You have helped me face that part of my life and I feel like I need to do this one final thing for closure. I wasn't able to attend his funeral and I would like to say a final goodbye. I feel like it would help me move on with my life."
Wow, that wasn't what Dean was expecting. He immediately felt stupid for thinking that Cas was going to ditch him. Of course he wouldn't just dump a friend. And Dean didn't want Cas to have to face this on his own so he made a decision.
"Cas, you shouldn't do that alone. I could go with you."
"That isn't necessary. It is a full day's drive. You have spent too much time on me already. It is much more than I could have ever asked for."
"No, I want to, seriously. I'm invested at this point. Shit, you act like it was a bad thing. I had a great time working with you on the car and you aren't asking too much. I am offering." Dean let the offer hang in the silence that followed. "So, you've never been to his grave?"
"No. I was… asked not to attend the funeral." Cas was looking very uncomfortable. His eyes were focused on his hands white knuckled together on his lap until he shifted his view once again out the passenger window.
"What the hell, Cas? Why?"
"Balthazar wasn't my friend. He and I were a couple."
Dean's brain froze up on the spot. Did he hear right? Cas was with a dude? And they were in the Army? There were a thousand questions suddenly swimming around in his mind and his heart was suddenly beating faster, chasing adrenaline through his body.
Cas took a long breath and continued, "We were stationed together and my unit received deployment orders but his didn't. He was an MP and, well, they are pretty interchangeable, so he was able to transfer posts with someone in my battalion so that he could go with me. I begged him not to but in the end, we both ended up in the sandbox. It was on that deployment that he was killed. His family blamed me. They believed that his death was punishment for what they considered sinful behavior and it was my fault that he was even in the desert. And they were right. He would still be alive today if he hadn't followed me over there."
Cas' voice hitched and trailed off. Dean could see that he was holding back tears.
"Cas, you can't blame yourself. And if his family blamed you, then they are total dicks!"
Cas looked at Dean for a long breath and closed his eyes while the corner of his mouth twitched into the slightest hint of a smile. "He used to say the same thing about them. It's really so unfair. He barely kept in touch with them and he wanted me to have his flag, but his brother insisted that I stay away from the funeral. I don't think he wanted anyone to know that Balthazar was gay. Raphael was truly a bully in every sense of the word. He all but disowned Balthazar when he came out and he made every possible attempt to get rid of me. We lived in constant fear that he would destroy our careers, but I guess he was happy with Balthazar being away from home so he didn't expose us. In the end, it wasn't Raphael who exposed us. I did it myself. That's why I left the Army. It wasn't voluntarily, Dean, I was forced out because they found out about us."
Dean immediately felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for his little brother, who had been so unbelievably cool about his confession last night. How could someone's own brother want to destroy them just for who they loved? Then he suddenly remembered his own father's reaction to finding him with Michael. Fuck! Why was the world so full of cruelty and intolerance?
"Maybe it would be better if you took Pamela? Would they freak out if you showed up with another dude?"
"Dean, I have no intention of seeing any of them while I am there. And if I did, I am certainly not about to pretend I am someone I'm not at this point. Plus, I believe Pamela has a date this weekend that I wouldn't want to get in the way of."
Dean's brain just went on overload for the third time in one day. So Pamela wasn't with Cas and Cas was into guys? Seriously, this was all just too good to be Dean's life. There had to be a hammer somewhere that was about to fall.
"Wait, I thought you and Pamela were together."
Cas turned to look at Dean like he had just grown another head. "No, we are friends and business partners. To be honest with you, we have been intimate a few times but, no, we were never a couple. It was more, I don't know, comfort? Regardless, it's been well over a year since we have been together and I have no intentions of changing that relationship status"
"But, I saw you kiss her."
Cas thought about this for a minute. "Oh, that must have been the anniversary of Balthazar's death. Yes, I had considered it that day. I was lonely and empty but I realized a long time ago that she was a poor substitute for real love and that what I really needed was to move on. I spent that night alone."
A little red burn of jealousy tried to work its way into Dean, who was trying furiously to stomp it down. After all, he couldn't fault Cas for who he had been with in the past. He wasn't exactly a blushing virgin himself, having had way too many one night stands. Dean made a decision that he wasn't going to screw this up. He would make a move, but not too soon. How tacky would it be to jump they guy's bones who had just confessed everything about his ex to you and was letting you help him say goodbye to said ex. He would have to be patient and supportive and cool about this, which was going to be really fucking hard with Cas sitting beside him looking so damn sexy.
"Dean, our friendship is what has helped me realize it is time to move on. Thank you… for everything."
Dean didn't know what to say. He was so afraid to say something stupid or inappropriate so he opted for a simple, "No problem, Cas." After that, a silence fell in the car and Dean turned to his oldest traveling companions to help calm his nerves, leaning down to pop in a cassette tape. Music began to fill the car with the perfect sounds of Metallica.
Trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters.
Dean didn't know where he was going. This was supposed to be a test drive and they were already two hours in. Cas seemed pretty exhausted from this morning's conversation and he had drifted off and was now sleeping peacefully in the seat beside Dean, his head resting on the window. Dean should turn around, head back to the shop but he didn't want this to end. He felt like if he just kept driving he could stop time, suspend it until he could clear his head and keep this man beside him forever.
Eventually, Cas woke up to Dean singing quietly beside him and the sun high in the sky. He recognized the song as Dean sang, Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better, remember to let her into your heart, then you can start, to make it better. It was beautiful. The spring breeze was flowing around the car with the smell of fresh cut grass filling his senses. The sun was out and the sky was spotted with delicate wispy clouds. They were traveling across the Kansas plains and the grasses were already thigh high and swaying like a green and golden ocean. And the sound of Dean's voice was saturating him with its tranquility.
At first, he made no move to let Dean know he was awake. He was too content. Maybe this was still a dream because it almost didn't seem real. Slowly, he sat up and turned towards his companion. Dean turned to him and flashed a grin that took his breath away. "Morning, sleepy head." His smile extended through his eyes, that were a stunning shade of green as they reflected the bright spring hues around them. Castiel was mesmerized with the way that smile caused the little crow's feet around his eyes to wrinkle up.
"You hungry? It's almost lunch time and since we have traveled half way across the state, I've got a treat for you." Dean had thought about it as they kept heading west. He remembered one time as kids when they were traveling through they had passed a place called Monumental Rocks. They weren't far from there now so he figured lunch, a little sightseeing and then they could head back. Victor had texted him while Cas was asleep. Everything was fine at the shop so he told him to hold down the fort because he was taking the rest of the day off. He was behind the wheel of a beautiful sports car, miles of open blacktop in front of him, great tunes on the radio and best of all, this man with the sexiest just-woke-up hair was sitting beside him blinking the sleep from his eyes and looking so damn handsome.
"M'kay. How long was I out for?"
"A while, don't worry about it. I decided to make a day of it. Vic's taking care of the shop so I am free the rest of the day." When Cas smiled back at him, Dean was pretty sure this is what heaven must be like.
They stopped at a little greasy spoon and ordered fried chicken, jo jos, potato salad, and of course, pie to go. While they were waiting for the food, they rolled back the soft top on the Austin-Healey and stood back to admire their handiwork. She really did come together perfectly. Dean decided that simplicity was the best decision for this car. He kept the original paint color, a creamy off-white, which was a beautiful contrast to the red leather seats. He hoped silently that he would get to spend many more days driving her around with the top down and Cas beside him.
Food in hand and stomachs growling with the smell of fried chicken wafting from the back seat, they headed out. Soon, the flat Kansas horizon started to look a little different. In the far distance, they could see rocks, huge rocks, 70 foot high limestone monoliths, jutting out of the flatlands like they have absolutely no business being there. It looked like someone dropped a piece of the Arizona desert in the middle of the Kansas grasslands.
Cas' jaw dropped and Dean couldn't help the grin that wouldn't leave his face when he looked over at his friend. "Pretty awesome, huh? My dad brought us through here once. I remember thinking that it was really special because it's something so different in this vast sea of sameness that is the Kansas plains. I don't know, that always kind of stuck with me. Made it feel OK to always be the different kids in school, the ones that didn't have a permanent home."
They parked and took their lunches with them to find a spot in the shade of one of the rocks. They sat on the ground and ate their lunch and made plans to drive to Corpus Christi the following week so that Cas could say goodbye properly. It would be a full day's drive, so they decided to leave early in the morning on Wednesday and make a long weekend out of it. When they were finally full and relaxed, leaning back against a huge rock, Cas reached out and put his hand on Dean's shoulder, "Thank you, Dean, for everything. This place is beautiful and it makes me feel like I am close to one of God's special creations."
"I don't know if there's a God, Cas, but if he is out there, this is definitely one of the best things he made." Dean wasn't referring to the rocks, but Cas didn't have to know that yet. Dean was certain that if there was a God that created everything, Cas was one of his masterpieces. "Wait a minute, Cas, you said you are gay, isn't that, like a problem for you if you are a Christian too?"
"The two are definitely not mutually exclusive. There is, sadly, a very vocal population of people who exploit Christianity to validate their hate, but in my experience, they have been in the minority. Most Christians I have met are accepting of me and really just want to follow in Christ's footsteps. I have even been to a church with a gay pastor. I will never let my faith be dictated to me by those that would manipulate it to spew hatred."
Dean smiled at this. He liked that Cas had a way of saying fuck you to the world in the most polite way he had ever heard.
Dean had his phone pulled out and was dialing Sam's number before Cas' car was even out of the Singer and Son's parking lot. "Sam, you're not going to believe this."
"Hey, Dean, what's going on?"
"Cas isn't dating Pamela. He's single!"
"That's great, Dean."
"And he's into guys."
"Wow, also great!"
"And next week I am going to Texas with him to visit his dead ex's grave."
"That's…. not so great. Not exactly your typical first date."
"Very funny there, Seinfeld! It's not a date. He wants closure so he can move on."
"And you get to be the supportive shoulder for him to cry on? God, Dean, you've got it bad." Sam laughed to himself at how excited his big brother sounded.
"You're such a girl. Why do I even talk to you?"
"Cause you love me and no one else will put up with your shit," quipped Sam. "But seriously, Dean, I'm really happy for you. Cas is great. Take your time and remember you are there for him."
"Yeah, I don't plan on screwing this one up. Thanks, Sam. By the way, I will be gone through the weekend so no Roadhouse Friday night."
"Have fun and let me know how it goes, and Dean?"
"Yeah, Sammy?"
"Be careful."
"Got it."
Dean hung up and got in the Impala to head home. He had a lot to do. He still had to go over the Thunderbird and write up a quote before Monday morning and make all the necessary arrangements so that the shop could run without him for a few days next week. This was it. This was his chance to be there for Cas. He wasn't going to push even though it took every ounce of willpower he had not to close the distance between them this afternoon and find out if Cas tasted as good as he smelled.
When Cas was eating that pie earlier it was downright pornographic. There was something about his perfect mouth that wrapped around every forkful of the dessert, and when he took his first bite of the cherry pie, his eyes fluttered shut as he moaned in pleasure. Dean watched him rapt, loving the way Cas' tongue darted out and licked a stray spot of cherry filling off the corner of his mouth. Dean had wanted to lay him out right there in the sun and lick the taste of cherry pie from those lips. OK, they were definitely stopping for pie on the way down to Corpus Christi.
Maybe, he thought, he could even have some fun with this, tease Cas a little, turn on the charm and see if he could gauge his effect on Cas. He was good at noticing when he was succeeding with a lady. The blushes, the looking away when you catcher her eye, the biting of the lower lips all little signs that he was well tuned to pick up on a lady. He wondered if Cas would be the same or are guys different? He was really looking forward to how fun this was going to be.
Baby you can drive my car
Yes, I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you
~Drive my Car – The Beatles