The Message
Chapter 11
Dawson was in the midst of re-evaluating his life. This wasn't anything particularly new or exciting for him, at times he had done this on an almost daily basis, but this time he was doing it in a relative vacuum. There were no late night chats over movies, no wise blonde next door, he didn't even have his father anymore. This time, he was bouncing thoughts about his life off his frazzled mother and a 2 year old. Strangely, despite all this, he felt as if his future was clearer than ever.
Coming home to work on a movie of his own felt like such an inspired idea, like a return to a place in his life where the world had once made sense to him. So great was his feeling that maybe he could get back to the days when inspiration, two best friends and a video camera was all you needed to live the dream, that he had actually decided maybe it was time to get those best friends back.
Of course his first thought was of Joey.
He and Joey hadn't spoken since their Christmas summit, and he was actually a little nervous at the prospect of 'getting their friendship back on track', mostly because on that very same Christmas night he'd realized he still wanted more than just friendship.
He'd done a lot of thinking about their history after she left that night, and come to some surprising revelations, the biggest being that in a strange way this year had been almost like a repeat of junior year in terms of their friendship. It had started with sex being on the table, this time he thanked god that he'd been smart enough to actually have said sex instead of pushing her away. After all, as far as he was concerned it was about time he had the chance to stake his claim to Joey sexually. The only thing that could have made it better for him would have been if Pacey hadn't stolen her 'first time' back in high school.
Despite the fact that he acted this time, the result had been the same: one night of Dawson and Joey becoming possibly more, all falling apart because of some other woman in his life. Last time it had been Eve and her sexual prowess beckoning from the wings, this time is was Natasha and her sexual prowess beckoning from the cell phone. He hated that Joey yet again pulled away, especially because this time he had been willing to try with her and timing be damned. Even now he still didn't understand why Joey couldn't meet him halfway on the whole 'having a girlfriend when he had sex with her' thing, because frankly shouldn't she be just as happy to finally have their chance as he was, regardless of the circumstances? And beside he had forgiven her for the whole throwing her virginity away with Pacey thing, well mostly.
But no, they'd drifted and again it was like junior year of high school in that come spring they really didn't know each other anymore. At least this time he hadn't been stupid enough to ask Pacey to look out for her, because Dawson really wasn't sure he could handle a rekindling of that particular romance.
These thoughts swirling in his head, he had started to worry. Because if everything else resembled that horrid year in his life, what if Joey and Pacey followed the script as well and really did give it 'the old college try' this time? This had brought on the startling realization that he was so disconnected he probably wouldn't even have known if they did just this. He couldn't have that, couldn't let his chance with her slip away this time, so when he had found Pacey standing on his lawn all those weeks ago he took it as a sign to find a way back into the life of the boy he once called friend.
He had never really intended to invest any of his money, certainly not with Pacey, but a phone call from Jen only a week later had changed his mind. It was a passing comment, he had asked how Joey was doing (trying his best to make it seem as if he actually talked with her all the time and so he was just asking to be polite) and Jen said that Joey was working over the break at Pacey's office, and how they were all so proud of his success and wasn't it nice that he was helping Joey out? After this revelation Dawson had rushed off the phone, so that he could stare slack jawed at the wall of his bedroom for a while.
Joey was working for Pacey? Everyone was proud of Pacey? Pacey was good at something? These were the questions that ran amok in his mind over the next few days, and before he knew it he had headed in to see the man in question himself.
It seemed that Pacey was good at his job, and while Dawson still couldn't wrap his head around this idea it seemed an opportunity to kill a few birds with one stone. He figured that by investing the money he could do three things; first he would actually make more money which he desperately needed, second he could ride Pacey's wave of good fortune in the hopes of making Joey 'proud' of him too – because if the stock market was what it took to impress her, then he would jump in head first, and third he would give himself the perfect excuse to call and check in on Pacey often, thus giving him an easy way to check up on the Pacey and Joey situation, so that he could halt any sudden new developments on that front.
He was pretty sure it was working too, as he had talked to Pacey a few times already and no mention of Joey at all.
With this precaution set in place, he started working on his 'win Joey Potter back' plan. Quickly deciding to go with an old standby, he started writing his movie. Though he knew he had done this exact thing before, he had learned something from the sophomore year fiasco. Joey would not like it if this movie was all about her. He also knew that making Pacey the bad guy in the story of their life might actually drive the two of them closer, so he avoided this avenue as well. In the end he decided that the best way to win back his soul mate was to write a movie about the time when she still believed she was a soul mate to him, a time when things like friendship were simpler. He started writing, and with the script progressing nicely he picked up a paintbrush as well, intent on bringing back the 'golden years' in full.
With each stroke of green over orange, he felt as if he was washing away all the times he hated to think about. After all, the orange room represented a summer of desperation when he had tried his damnedest to forget that Joey Potter existed, let alone that she was sailing the seven seas with his erstwhile best friend. The green represented a time when she had fallen asleep next to him every Saturday night, when she had kissed him back by his window, when she had hidden in his closet so that they could make out after his parents went to bed. He knew intellectually that the green paint was just that, paint, but he couldn't help but think of it as a little token of good luck as well. If all went to plan, then by the end of the summer this room would once again have witnessed a Joey and Dawson kiss.
Speaking of the plan, it was probably about time he gave Pacey another call as well, just to make sure there wasn't another showdown on his front lawn coming anytime soon.
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So this year's Paris might actually be Paris again. That was all Joey could think of when she first saw the travel book. To say she was overwhelmed would have been an overstatement. To say she was thrilled would have been a falsehood. To say she was confused would have been perfect, and also perfectly typical.
Eddie was looking at her expectantly, excitement in his eyes, and for a moment she saw in him a flash of the boy he must once have been. It only made her miss a different little boy who was always flashing in stormy blue eyes, a boy who once had been this year's Paris.
She felt the sting of tears, but forced them back. She wasn't allowed to cry over that little boy anymore, because she had chosen to cut him from her life. Instead she put on a happy face and flung her arms around the man she had chosen, if for no other reason than her heart was safe from him. Eddie seemed satisfied with her excited response, wanting immediately to begin planning.
By the time they got back to her dorm, overwhelmed was no longer an overstatement. It seemed that Eddie had been planning this for a while, and all ideas he was throwing at her were making her head spin.
"Eddie," she began, but he wasn't listening.
"And I know Paris is important to you, but I was thinking if we kept our time there limited to just a week we could also fit in…"
"Eddie,"
"…Madrid, because I've really always really wanted to go there and…"
"EDDIE!"
Finally he stopped, looking at her quizzically.
"What is it Joey?"
"Look Eddie, I know you're excited about all this but can we just slow down a minute? I mean, it seems like you have everything all planned out already, and I do need to spend some time in Capeside this summer to make some money and see my family and friends."
Now he looked stunned, and a little angry as well. She could feel the telltale beginnings of an argument. It was funny really, but ever since she had basically agreed to date him again, their relationship had fallen into typical Joey Potter patterns; i.e. no sex, more fighting.
"You want to cut our trip of a lifetime short to hang out with your friends in the one horse town you grew up in? You are kidding right?" He asked slowly, clearly letting her know what her answer should be.
"Yes Eddie, amazingly enough I would like to go home for a bit this summer. And it isn't just about seeing my friends, like I said I really need to make some money or I'll never be able to afford to come back to school next year."
Eddie continued to stare at her, and she could almost see the wheels turning in his mind.
"You want to stay to see him don't you?" It wasn't a question so much as a statement. Joey averted her eyes, not sure even in her own heart if this was true.
"That's it isn't it? I bet if he offered to take you to Paris you wouldn't be trying to decide how much of your precious summer you could spare." He was angry now, little flecks of spit flying from his mouth as he bit the words out at her.
The tears she had been holding back ever since he had given her the travel book spilled over as she answered him.
"It doesn't matter Eddie, because I never gave him the chance to ask! So I guess I can't really answer that question for you, and I know it's my own damn fault!"
Her words fell between them, the room was silent save for her quiet sobs, and Eddie took a moment to step back.
He considered himself a pretty easy going, straightforward kind of guy. He had always spoken his mind, seen the world in mostly black and white, and never agonized over long about missed chances. To him, you either did or you didn't, and once the choice was over you moved on because that was the way of the world.
Somehow over the last year Joey Potter had managed to turn him all around. She had him coming back for more when he thought their chance was over. She had him trying for a goal he had long given up on. In some ways her influence had been wonderful on his life, but nothing was ever one sided.
The other side of the coin she had handed him, the coin that represented analyzing, angsting, and many many shades of gray, was that there came a point where nothing was ever really over. And Eddie wasn't quite sure if he could deal with that.
She was standing before him, tears streaming down her face, and he hardly knew who or what the tears were for anymore. She was so complicated, she had so many regrets and wishes and fears, that it was hard to keep up. He was pretty sure the bulk of those tears were for that Pacey guy. But along with those, he thought there were also a few tears for her own inability to move forward, a few tears for her own missed opportunities, a few tears for her fears and dreams. He would consider himself lucky if even a few of them were for him.
So here it was, a moment of choice in Eddie's world, and he realized he was a black and white person, and could never do anything more than visit the shades of gray. So for him it came down to this, she could come with him or she could stay, and he would live either way. This was not to say he didn't care, because he did, very much. She may have been a complicated person and she may live her life by rules he could never even understand, but she was also funny and smart and driven. Despite much evidence to the contrary at times, Joey was a girl worth loving, but until she decided that for herself no one else was going to be able to help her. But that sure as hell didn't stop anyone from trying. She was a once-in-a-lifetime girl as far as he was concerned, imperfections and all.
He moved forward and hugged her, letting her cry her tears, other loves and other losses soaking into his shirt front. He had made his black and white decision, he was going to Europe. He would offer her comfort, he would talk to her about places to visit and things to see, but if she waffled any more after this moment was over he was going to go alone.
Slowly she pulled back, a small sheepish smile on her face at having been so emotional. "Look, Eddie, just let me look at the book for a minute and then we can plan again okay?"
He nodded, and hoped that maybe she would really be ready to move on. Little did he know that soon she would be starting another conversation with him that began with 'If we do actually do this," and ended with "You should probably find somewhere else to sleep tonight." After all, Joey Potter was a lot of things, but someone who sees the world in black and white was not one of them. She was her past. Eddie wanted her to forget it, she wanted to relive it, and what she needed to do was embrace it and grow. Because of all these things, the story of Eddie and Joey had been doomed from the start. But in life you can't skip to the end of a story to see how it will turn out, so for the moment Eddie still hoped.
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"Please Joey? You have to come with me, it'll be so boring if I have to pick out summer classes all by myself."
Audrey was perched on the edge of her bed, fuzzy pink pillow clutched across her middle and a pouty look on her face. Joey was desperately trying to ignore her. Ever since she had told Eddie to find another place to sleep she had been feeling a bit lost. She still couldn't figure out exactly why it was that she didn't want to go on the trip with him, but it just felt all wrong. And after the fight they had just had, she doubted she would even see him again anyway, he did after all have a penchant for skipping town when the going got rough.
Still she was sad, because if nothing else his leaving would leave her life completely without boundaries or plans. Did she go back to Capeside for the summer and avoid Dawson's advances while watching Pacey move on with his life? Did she stay in Boston and spend all her summer earnings on a crappy apartment in the city? Did she tag along with Jack and Jen to New York for the summer? Because really she could do anything, and she just didn't know what it was she wanted.
"Jo-ey," Audrey whined again.
"Au-drey," she whined back, "I thought you weren't going to sign up for summer classes until the last possible moment anyway, so why are you going now when you have like 5 whole more hours?" she said sarcastically, causing Audrey to stick out her tongue. "Besides I have a meeting with Hetson soon to go over my final grade."
"I'm not signing up yet, I just want to scope out the woman manning the desk to see if I can convince her to let me into that Pop Culture class that is already filled up. If I go early, and she looks totally bitchy, I can come up with a game plan in the next several hours," Audrey explained, a look on her face that said, quite clearly, 'Duh.'
Joey rolled her eyes. "Fine. If you are just doing a drive by I'll walk over with you. But I really do only have about an hour, so no stopping for coffee or anything else distracting okay? The last thing I need is to start and end my year by being late for a meeting with Hetson."
"Yay bunny, you're the bestest." Audrey was suddenly a flurry of motion, bouncing from the bed to pull on her very favorite hideously furry boots and grab her purse. Joey rolled her eyes once more for good measure, and then grabbed her own bag and followed Audrey out the door.
It turned out the woman manning the desk was actually a young, reasonably attractive, man, and so the whole process was taking much longer than Joey had anticipated. Audrey insisted on the chance to talk the guy up (for the Pop culture class, or barring that at least a date) and had refused to let Joey leave until it was all played out, saying 'If I get rejected on two fronts it will be your duty to comfort and console me.'
It had already been fifteen minutes, and it looked like the two were just getting started. Bored, Joey began leafing through the pamphlets on the wall, pulling ones out at random until one in particular caught her eye. It was a brightly color brochure with a picture of the Eiffel Tower emblazoned on the cover, with the words 'Study Abroad' printed in bright blue lettering underneath. Intrigued she began to flip through it, and was startled when a voice interrupted her perusal.
"It's too late to sign up for the program for next year, but if you have more than a year left with us it is certainly worth looking into."
Looking up Joey found that the voice belonged to the woman who usually ran the office, who was now glaring suspiciously at the interaction between Audrey and the man who was currently holding down the fort. Partly to help her friend, and partly out of curiosity, Joey drew the woman's attention back quickly.
"So there isn't a way to go next year? I do have two years left, but was really hoping to stay in the states my senior year, you know look at internships and such."
The woman looked thoughtful, and then raised a finger as if she had just remembered something.
"Well, you can't sign up for the study abroad program, but you could always get transfer credits."
"Transfer credits?" Joey asked confusedly.
"Yes. Worthington prides itself on its relations with foreign universities. If you attend one of the universities in France that we are associated with, you could have most of the credits transferred back to use toward your degree here. In fact, if you choose carefully and take an additional class or two on you could even still graduate on time."
Now Joey was really intrigued. It wasn't like she would ever actually go to Paris, no that was most likely a long dead dream, but she had never heard of transferring credits from foreign universities and it was an interesting concept.
"So how would you go about doing that?"
"Well, if you wanted to start this coming fall for example, you would send in a late application to the university of your choice, with a letter of intent explaining that you want a year of foreign study experience to apply toward your degree here. Then a month or so before classes began you would talk with your Worthington advisor who could help you choose a course load that would be transferable once you returned to the states. It is actually much simpler than it sounds, believe it or not."
The woman smiled kindly at her after relaying the information, and waved off Joey's thank you as she turned toward her desk where Joey saw that Audrey and the man were now actually engaged in a heated lip-locking session. Joey quickly shoved the pamphlet into her pocket and grabbed Audrey's arm, tugging her from the room.
"Call me!" Audrey shouted back over her shoulder to the stunned looking young man who was desperately trying not to make contact with the woman glaring down at him.
"You know, I would ask what on earth you were thinking, but this is actually more like the Audrey of old that I have missed so much, so instead I'm just going to say Welcome Back," Joey said, smiling at her roommate as she continued to pull her down the hallway.
"Thanks bunny, but we can celebrate later. Don't you have an appointment to get to?"
"Shoot!" Joey exclaimed, looking down at her watch, "I've got to run Audrey but I'll see you back at the dorms in a bit okay?"
Audrey nodded, already distracted by a member of the rowing team who had just walked past them, and Joey broke into a sprint toward Professor Hetson's office.
Halfway down the hallway she turned to call back one more time.
"Oh and Audrey? I wouldn't count on getting that Pop Culture class if I were you!"
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"I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life."
As Joey read these words she suddenly felt excitement coursing through her veins, as well as realization. Because in a flash of clarity, she understood why it didn't feel right to go to Paris with Eddie.
Paris was a trip that should be all about her. It wasn't about a romantic vacation or running away together. It wasn't about running away at all. It was about going somewhere where she could define herself, and thus save herself from the mistakes she seemed to keep making. It was about choosing herself for once, and learning to be okay alone. She could feel the corner of the brochure poking her leg through the material of her pocket, and this was probably the closest thing to a sign she was ever going to get. She could hear the woman's voice from the registrar's office, and knew now what she needed to do.
Joey Potter was finally going to Paris, and she was going to do it all on her own. It was time to grow up.
"I kind of have someplace I need to be right now," she heard herself telling Hetson, already feeling impatient to get back to the dorms and start planning. If she hurried, she might even be able to get accepted to one of the French universities before the end of July, leaving plenty of time to figure out which classes would be transferable before the fall.
Moments later she was rushing out the door of the English department building, smiling to herself at the look on Hetson's face as she told him he was going to be her advisor. Just wait until he found out he was going to have to advise her from abroad!
As she entered the dorm building, she realized that in a way she had come full circle. She had given up school in Paris for Dawson when she was 15, had started on the path of putting him first and using other people as an excuse to not face her own fears. Now, 5 years later, she was finally going to face the unknown, take her trip, and start the process of defining herself as a woman so that she could truly give her heart to another, because no matter what she would be strong enough to survive on her own. Though for a moment she was tempted to dwell on the ocean eyed boy she wanted to get ready to give her heart to, she pushed it away. Right now she couldn't go down that path, she needed to fight her demons alone, and then think about what came after.
She burst into her dorm room full of excitement, but played it cool for the moment. After a brief conversation about Audrey registering, she casually slipped in, "And can you hand me that book? I have to start reading for my trip." Audrey squealed, but had to run and so Joey didn't even get the chance to tell her it was going to be a solo trip. Maybe though, it was better that way. Maybe she really needed to do most of it, even the getting excited, on her own.
She was getting ready to start researching hostels and universities when she saw the letter on the phone. Reading it, she felt tears falling down her cheeks, and this one time she actually cried for Eddie. She cried for what they might have had if she wasn't so connected to her past. She cried for the hurt she had caused him, and the hurt he had caused her. She cried because this time it really was goodbye, and goodbyes are hard. Finally her tears dried and for the first time in her whole life, Joey Potter put the past behind her. She didn't lock Eddie's memory in a gilded box in her heart, she didn't place him on a pedestal for future comparisons, and she didn't make a secret wish to one day explore 'what if'. Instead, she simply honored his memory for all that he had meant in her life, and then let him go, really and truly.
Contemplative, she sat at her desk and thought about all the other boxes that needed to be unlocked and pedestals that needed to be destroyed. Feeling the beginnings of a strength she didn't know she possessed, she finally felt confidant that it would not be an impossible task.
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Pacey stood solemnly before the big white house that held so many ghosts for him. He wasn't sure how his news was going to be taken, but he was pretty sure that some new ghosts were going to be added soon.
All he could feel was the dull ache in the back of his head from worry, the empty hole where his heart once had been, and the burning nausea in his stomach for what he was going to have to say.
Once again, or maybe finally, he had proved everyone right, he thought bitterly. Pacey Witter, town screw-up. Can't keep the girl (any girl apparently as even rebound chicks came with fiancés these days), can't keep a job, can't keep a friend. Shit, pretty soon he wasn't going to be able to keep a roof over his head.
He was beyond laughter, or he might have let out at least a weary chuckle at the fact that he was once again about to be the person that ruined Dawson Leery's perfect life. Instead he just felt yet again the weight of an unfair universe, one where two boys could grow up together and yet have such different lives. Where the fair haired child got love and attention, got the right to dream and believe that those dreams would become reality, who got to live in a world of soul mates and destiny, and all roads leading back to a home.
For a few brief months on a sailboat with a dark haired tomboy, and another too brief interlude this past year, Pacey had felt like he might have a place in that world. He had forgotten that he was not the fair haired boy, that in fact he had received little love in his life, that he didn't dare to dream, and that soul mates seemed to trump true love but never set him free. He had forgotten all this, and felt like he had a home. But yet again, reality had crashed in on his forgetful heart, and as always it hurt more to lose something you once had than to never have had it at all.
Pacey stood on the well manicured lawn, in a picturesque town, on a beautiful night but all around him was a dark, dark world, and yet again he had lost his way.