She spent the first week halfway between sorrow and a bottle of whiskey, although sometimes they tasted like the same thing.

When she wasn't drinking, she ran. She ran and ran all over New York City. She ran, knowing that the direction she wanted to go was down. She ran, hoping that with each smack her shoes made against the pavement a telegraph to him would be sent. Come up. Come above ground. But she knew he wouldn't.

She ran across the rooftops at night, the cool air wicked the sweat from her skin and she gasped it to soothe the aches and pains of life. She hoped to cross his path, but as the nights ticked by, she felt as if he avoided her on purpose.

…..

He did. He had never wanted them to grow apart, but inside, he prepared for the day they would walk past each other as indifferent strangers. He would watch from the shadows, stayed just out of sight as she sprinted by.

He muted his phone, so that when his brothers finally texted him about where he ran off to - she wouldn't recognize his ringtone out of the silence. But that didn't stop the staring he did at home, his eyes glued to her number in his phone and his thumb hovered over the 'call' button.

The picture he took for the photo contact was a rare smile he managed to catch when she wasn't looking. She had her dimples showing, and her eyes down like she was bashful. He loved that picture, and he saw it all the time when he wasn't looking at his phone, too. He wondered if she stared at his picture on her phone.

…

She did. One of the few pictures he let her take was back on his birthday. Beers by the toolbox, she took it selfie-style with him winking in the background and his hands around a motorcycle chain. He said it was the best birthday he'd ever had. And his birthday was coming again in a few months and she wasn't sure if she would get the chance to surprise him again. Or tell him happy birthday.

Hers passed through like any day: monotonous, busy, and the kind of radio static anxiety that kept Jude from any kind of joyfulness about being a quarter of a century old. She didn't expect any kind of olive branch. It had only been weeks since they cut it off, but when a single rose showed up on her windowsill that evening, Jude cried as she had not done since she got home that first night.

…

He'd heard her crying. He wanted more than anything in the world to go into that apartment, wrap his arms around her and make that sound stop. It seemed to twist a hot knife under his ribs, inching at his heart. He had heard her cry before, and his hands ached as he was forced to stand by and listen to it again.

He couldn't stay. He had to be back at the lair before they noticed he was gone. He ground his teeth, fought the stinging in his eyes, and ran back home. He shut himself in the sparring rooms, too angry to be alone in the room where they last kissed. And the room where they left each other cold. He couldn't bear another night of peeking through the dark at his dresser, and phantom sensations of her hands on him keeping him awake. There were rooms of his home he couldn't stay in anymore.

….

She would've offered up a lot of money to be able to sleep in her bedroom too. But every time she looked at her nightstand she was reminded that she kept the letter he wrote her in the top drawer, the one he wrote when he put her to bed after a drunken stupor. When he joked about the sparrow tattoos on her foot.

She must have read that letter a thousand times. She had smudged the initial he used to sign his name with how many times her thumb had rubbed over it. His handwriting was awful, but he was sweet. She sighed, and pulled her blonde hair behind her ear, which had grown out in curly waves to her chin.

….

"I don't think we should see each other anymore." He couldn't get those words out of his head. He held his pillow over his head, ripped the pillowcase several times trying to block it all out. But she couldn't get out of his head. She wouldn't do it. How typical of her, he mused, making his life difficult and interesting at the same time.

"Be with somebody else." Where on God's green earth was he going to find somebody else? Craigslist? He scoffed one night, mumbled to himself. "Mutant turtle seeking life partner. Star sign Aries. Likes swimming, sailing, long walks on the beach and quality time with the family." He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right...What did she even see in me anyway? Needs to get glasses."

…..

It wasn't like she was looking either. She went to bars to get a drink, not to look around for potential suitors. She drank reverently, avoided her ongoing search for trenchcoats. When she got home, she did her best not to look at the rose she was desperately trying to keep alive in a small glass vase of water. She scrubbed herself hard in the shower, put on whatever was clean and collapsed into her bed.

…

When he called her later that night, it was a complete and total accident.

He'd gotten home with plenty of time, nobody had even noticed he was gone. Everybody was still asleep. He slipped into his room, Mikey snoring through the walls next door. He kicked off his shoes, but when he took his phone out of his pocket, his big fingers accidentally pressed the call button next to her name.

"No, no, no…" He mumbled, and his thumb hovered over the 'end call' as she answered.

"Raph?" She must have just woken up, her voice had more of her accent when she was sleepy. "You there?"

He heard her sigh, and he finally put the phone to his ear. "...Yeah...I'm here."

There was a long silence over the line. Raphael could hear his heart hammering in his chest. He had to say something. The first thing he thought of was, "Happy Birthday, Jude."

"...Thanks." She had a smile in her voice, and one broke out on his face too. Like a reflex. "How're you doing, really?"

He didn't want any more secrets between them. No more walls, but he knew there had to be. "...I'm...not supposed to be talkin' to you."

"I know. I figured it was a prank or an accident that you called me."

He winced. "...Accident, but...I've wanted to call you. I've wanted to talk to you. It's just...we…" An image bubbled up, of her pulling him in and the way his body lit on fire when she kissed him. "We can't."

"...Shouldn't. Not can't." Jude corrected him, and his heart thrummed with something he hadn't felt since Christmas. "I regret it...Leaving."

"I get why you had to."

"Do you?" She asked. Her voice trembled like it did when she left. How she apologized.

He had thought about what she'd indirectly confessed to him. Took a lot of guts to do that, and in hindsight, he wished she hadn't been forced to tell him. Maybe she'd still be by his side. "Yeah...It didn't have anything to do with me, you just...needed to be away from it. Away from me."

"Not from you," Jude made a noise like a hiccup. "Could've done without that part."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have walked out," He said the words too fast, but he meant them. He hadn't meant for his voice to break. He bit his lip, "Y'know, typically, if you care about somebody like we do, you fight to stay. You saw a problem and you didn't even think about how I could help you, how we could work through it, no. The bravest person I knew ran away."

Another long silence, and a shaky inhale. She was doing her best not to cry, he could tell. He wished he was there to stop it, but he was rooted to the spot as she choked out, "...it

...it's hard to be brave about this. It happened at a time before I was strong enough to fight it off-"

"-Fuck you think I'm talking about? I'm not asking you to justify why it happened. Or why you left. I got that part. I'm asking you to justify staying gone, Jude."

"You weren't exactly busting down my door either, Raph."

Raphael glanced at his shoes and considered running to her for a moment. "Maybe I needed time to process. Maybe I...Maybe I needed to make sure I was okay."

"I'm glad you did," Jude whispered. "I'd go nuts if somethin' happened to you."

He exhaled a jagged breath, and his eyes stung hot. "...You too. I'd...If I lost you...shit. But I feel like I already have, honey." Raph pressed his palm into his forehead. "Maybe I didn't reach out because I wasn't sure if you wanted me to...And after so long being your best friend, that...really hurt and I wish I would've stopped you from runnin' away. I wish I would've followed you."

"Y-You haven't lost me," She stuttered, and he could hear the effort in her not to cry. "Not yet. Not ever. I'm just...I need…"

"Space? Time?" Anything she asked for, he'd give.

"Both?"

Raphael nodded and cleared his throat. "Sure. You got it."

"...Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I…." He moved to lay back on his bed, an arm thrown over his eyes. "I ain't gonna like it, but...it's you."

"I'm-I'm asking too much again-"

"-Jude, stop-"

"I can't keep asking you to do this!" Jude sighed harshly, and he heard the walls of composure eroding. "I've asked you to do so much, and I can't keep piling it on. From the minute we met, I've latched onto you-"

"-did you ever stop and think that maybe I like being needed? By anybody?" Raphael asked her, his brow furrowed. "You do so much. Not just for me. The guys in your gym have a job thanks to you, those people who work out there have someplace to go to let off steam, the money you donate to that shelter every other month. Not to mention helping us with the Foot...You do so much and don't ask for or get much in return. You're a complicated person, I get that...But you're a complicated person who shoves the shit aside when somebody needs you. And you pull through for them."

He ground his teeth in his mouth before he said, "So how about you shut up about me doing shit for you and actually let me do shit for you? Let me help you. Do me a favor, do me this one thing that I'm askin' of you, and pull through for me, and let me fucking help you. Let me in. You're perfectly keen to help someone when it's something they need. What about you, huh? When are you gonna own up to the fact that you need shit too? Why don't you pull through for me and let me be the friend I want to be?"

She hesitated or paused or to be honest, he didn't care. It was a full minute before he said, "Thought as much."

And he hit 'end.'

…..

She held the phone to her ear long after the line died. She heard her heart beating in her ears, and the choking sounds she made as tears slid down her face. She turned and threw the phone into the couch before she fell to her knees, her hands over her ears.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" She shouted into the walls of her childhood home, as if they would give her the answers. She slumped over to lay on her side on the dusty floor, her knees up to her chest.

…

Nights and days passed unnoticed by both of them. Business hours flew by. The ghost of the gym in Harlem rarely came down the stairs to the weight rooms, not until after dark. Her training never stopped, only intensified until she throbbed with heat and sweat. The ghost of the sewers walked miles worth of the drains and the underground, almost along the same routes she ran in the very beginning. He did not know where he was going, but he didn't stop until his feet begged him to stop.

Pain was the only solace either of them knew. His anger and her sorrow were soothed by pain, when they were forced to halt their thinking and react. She hurt for her father. And he hurt for her, and for himself.

They were survivors. This was surviving. Being apart was the pain, and they endured as best they could. What they were wholly unprepared for was the pain stopping, when they crossed paths. Until then, it was a stalemate, and he broke it first.

…...

NIGHT OF DAY 240

He was at her window when he saw them through the clear panes. Jude stood with her back to the windows he peeked through, and someone was with her. A guy, probably one of her trainers, with plenty of five o'clock shadow and standing far too close than Raphael was comfortable with. He stood behind her, and put his hands on the counter on either side of her.

Raphael felt his heart strangle itself in his chest. He knew that pose. He knew the back of her neck, he'd tasted the skin there. She turned in the other man's arms, and looked up at him with wide hazel eyes. He wanted to run and never return, Raphael swore he did, but he couldn't look away. He had to know what she did.

The guy's eyes went to her lips, and he leaned in, but Jude turned her face. His mouth touched her cheek, and she moved out of his embrace.

"I'm sorry," The guy said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sure you are, Raphael thought with gritted teeth. Hot jealousy boiled in his stomach as the man tried to touch her shoulder, but she shrugged him off again.

"I can't," She said, her hair in her eyes and frowning.

Raphael let a breath leave him; why was she pushing him away? The guy looked at her for a long time, and said it with disappointment, "There's someone else."

"Yes," Jude raised her eyes to the ceiling, and sighed. "No...Maybe. It's complicated."

He squinted at her through the window. It wouldn't be complicated if she would let him in. He'd be the one in there with her, instead of hiding out on her fire escape like a creep. He'd be the one with his arms around her, not some pretty boy wearing Under Armour.

"How so?" The guy asked, blue eyes hopeful. Raphael had an overpowering urge to forcefeed him a brick.

"There's someone I was…" Jude ran a hand through her hair. Her nose wrinkled as she searched for words in the wood floors. "It was something that only sort of was...We weren't...together, but he's...he's…."

"You loved him…"

Raphael felt like he was going to throw up and shout with glee all at once. His gut churned as he watched her react. The line of her lip pricked up in one corner, and she hugged her arms around herself in that lonely way that made her seem smaller.

"He's my best friend," She said, although it wasn't an answer. She turned to face him. "...Point is...I can't do this. I appreciate you coming up to check on me, Ben, but…"

Raphael squinted at the guy. So his name was Ben. He didn't know Ben, but just looking at him made his knuckles itch.

Jude finished her sentence, "...I'm fine. I just need time, and…"

"Get your friend to forgive you or whatever's going on?" Ben offered, smiling at her.

She chuckled without humor, and Raphael felt a wash of shame go over him as she said, "...I doubt it. He's...pretty upset with me." He caught a glimpse of her face, of her eyes as she shrugged. "...I don't think he's gonna forgive me."

Ben shook his head, and put his hand on her shoulder. This time she didn't shove it off. "I don't have all the details, but...I hope it works out for you, boss. You deserve it."

Jude froze as Ben leaned in, and she didn't move an inch as his lips met her cheek. Raphael couldn't stay there anymore, his skin felt hot. He leapt from her fire escape and bolted as fast as he could for home.

…..

Jude wasn't going to risk going to the lair herself. She knew Leonardo had the ears of a bat, and Donatello had the entirety of the lair covered in security measures. But after her conversation with Ben, and his attempt to kiss her, her resolve came to see the man she really needed to talk to.

She texted him. Central Park, the Christmas evergreen. Ten minutes.

She was up in the branches, high enough to get a view of the park thirty feet up and down the lane. She'd see him. And she hoped to God he'd show.

…

This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea. Raphael kept thinking that over and over, even as he shrugged on his trenchcoat and got to walking. It may be some poor judgment to show up, but she texted him first. She reached out. Like hell if he wasn't going to show up.

He saw her before she saw him. He wasn't going to just walk into the park, and he leapt into a tree from a nearby building. He peeked through the leaves as he noiselessly moved from tree to tree, and caught a glimpse of her blonde hair. She was lounging in the branches, her hands behind her head. If he moved just so when he got closer…

A minute later he was poised in the branch above her. She had just closed her eyes, fatigue taking over. He whistled from above her, and she gave a start, almost falling off the branch with surprise.

"Mornin'," He said, and jumped down from his branch to the ground, six feet beneath her. He glanced up at her, taking off his hat and hanging it on a knot in the tree. "...Are you going to come down?"

"No," She said, still clutching the bark with raw fingernails. "You scared me."

Raphael smirked. He reached up to rattle her branch and Jude lost her balance, slipping off. He let go of the tree, and caught her swiftly in his arms. She glared at him as he set her on her feet and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"You called this meeting," He said, his arms folded."What do you want?"

"To talk…" Jude blew a lock of hair out of her eyes. "You said if I was ready to talk and let you be the friend you wanted to be...to tell you. Well, I'm here…"

Raphael tried not to wince as he remembered their phone call, and how her face seemed to sadden talking about it. Being so close to her, he saw her freckles bunch as she wrinkled her nose. He stepped to her, and looked away, "...I should've never talked to you like that."

"I deserved it," Jude said, and when he shook his head, she held up a hand. "Don't. I did. And every word you said was right. I was acting like a brat…I treated you like a stranger." She covered her eyes. "And that was so damn wrong, and I'm sorry, Raph, I'm so-"

Raphael wouldn't hear another word. He took the hand over her eyes and tugged her to him. His arms wrapped around her and his face buried in her hair, his heart singing in his chest. Jude melted into him, her cheek against his chest.

"Stop talkin'." Was all he said. His mind was still on the conversation he'd overheard, and he told her. "Ain't much I wouldn't forgive you for. Saying we shouldn't see each other, being the adult, and understanding what you need...That isn't big. We're still friends..." He inhaled the spicy smell of her hair, and tightened around her. "Just friends."

"Much as we don't wanna be," Jude whispered. "I'm not gonna be the cause of a rift in your family...It's not going to happen."

"If you ask me, he's just jealous...Leo's never had anybody like I have you."

"How's his face?" He felt her smile against him.

He snorted, and warmth soothed the icy shard in his gut that had formed when she left. "He only just got the sling off, and he's rehab'ing his shoulder."

"Sucks to be him," She let go of him first, but he kept close as his arms fell.

The emptiness of his hands nagged at Raphael's nerves. His eyes met hers, and a smile ghosted at his lips. Jude broke the stare first, shaking her head and laughing silently.

"What?" He asked, his face split in the grin that finally came. "What're you laughing about? Is there somethin' on my face?"

Her gaze moved to his lips, and then away again. "...I'm having a hard time with the 'just friends' part of this arrangement."

"Believe me," His fingers slipped into hers, and she felt the heat on his hands. "I don't like it either, but…"

Jude frowned as she retrieved her hand and put it in her pocket. "It's the way it is."

A rumbling growl erupted from Raphael, and he turned, looked like he might punch the trunk of the tree, but let his knuckles rest against it. "This is unfair as hell...You told me what you were keeping from me, why does Leo have to push his nose into everything?"

"Because I'm going to help you and your brothers bring down the Foot," Jude said, her voice clear and cold. "And if I'm doing that, Leonardo has to have us focused. We can't bring down the Foot if we're constantly worried about each other...and if we're more than friends, that makes it easier for them to target us individually. They cut you, I bleed."

Raphael bit his lip. "We're the best fighters in this city, we're not easy targets-"

"-You're bulletproof with a shell, Raph. I'm not."

"My point exactly. If we're together, then we're safe."

"He says after a long-ass time of not seeing each other."

"Okay, okay, good point."

Jude weaved her fingers together and paced in a circle with her hands on the nape of her neck. He watched her with nervous intensity. After a moment, she said, "We can't keep going round and round with the periods where we don't talk. We need to stop that shit. We're in each other's lives, no use trying to change that."

"Right," He agreed. "But...worst case scenario, they get one of us...what's our backup plan? What do we say - in case we're in trouble?"

"Something we never say otherwise," Her hands fell by her sides. "Something only we'd know."

Raphael thought back over the entire course of their relationship, and the way her hair caught the light from the Central Park lamps brought him the memory of their first meeting. She'd asked him for a lighter. "...Say you're going for a smoke."

"That'd work…" She met his eye, and the harder lines of her face, the hollows of her cheeks, softened as she said, "You helped me quit. That Nicorette box, remember?"

He nodded, smiling. Silence lighter than the humid air between them fell, and he mumbled something about walking her home after a minute. He grabbed his hat from the knot of the tree, prepared to bow his head and look grim as a way to shield himself.

But how could he frown with her tiny hand woven into his?

They walked out of Central Park, and braved the late night streetlights all the way home, hand-in-hand. In truth, he didn't want her out of his sight. Not in this dark.

They were rounding the block onto Jude's street close to two in the morning, and a lump formed in his throat, like he'd swallowed candle wax. He didn't want to let her go yet. When they got to her doorstep, she moved to release his hand, but he held her tighter.

She watched with confusion as he lifted her hand in his, and kissed her knuckles. To her own surprise, blood rushed to her cheeks and she heard him chuckle at her reaction. "Cute...G'night, short-stack."

She squinted at him as he turned to leave, his hands in his trenchcoat. She called after him, "...Hey, Raph?"

He half-turned, and threw his hands in the air. "Jeez, Jude. What d'you want? I'm a busy dude."

Jude jogged down her steps to him, closed the distance. She clutched two handfuls of his coat collar and yanked him down to her. She kissed him hard, his hat hiding their face from the light. He staggered, before his arms curled around her and scooped her up. He shuffled with her against his chest, pushing the door open with his hip.

She kicked it shut behind them.