Guys, I was absolutely blown away by the response to the last chapter. I can't tell you how much it means to me! Thank you thank you thank you all for your lovely reviews! Here is chapter eleven - hopefully it moves things forward a bit!
-o-o-
Jay has been worried about Erin for months - since even before she was abducted, actually. He's watched her carefully since they found her in that basement, knowing that she was recovering from something traumatic. He's been patient and loving and gentle with her, letting her set the pace and the limitations.
But now he's scared.
She's spiralling. She's doing a damn good job of hiding it, but he's seen it before, and he knows she's falling down a black hole. He can't tell if she's using drugs, or if she's drinking more than she lets him see, but her mood is so erratic these days that he's on edge all the time.
And he has no idea what to do about it.
He'd thought things were getting better after she'd come back to work, after that dinner at the Purple Pig, but now…
She's barely functioning. And worse, she's hiding everything from him - she sleeps on the couch so that he won't see her nightmares. She tells him she has food poisoning when he knows she's been crying in the bathroom.
He's losing her. And he doesn't know where it leads, or what will happen next, but he isn't sure how much longer he can handle the anxiety.
-o-o-
The lab traces the fingerprints on a beer bottle found at the scene of Erica Bogdanovich's murder to Brandon Hayward, a stockbroker at a high-powered firm, in the system for a ten-year-old assault and battery conviction. Ruzek matches his photo to the video they got from the Art Institute, of a man in a suit jogging away from the scene.
Voight sends Erin out with Burgess and Olinsky to pick up the suspect. Jay watches them go, a familiar flutter of fear in his stomach.
Every damn time she walks out of his sight.
His eyes stay on the staircase until long after she's disappeared.
When he finally turns back to his computer, Antonio is sitting on his desk.
He didn't even see him come over.
"What's up, man?" he asks, trying - and failing - to cover.
Antonio nods towards the breakroom. "Let's get some coffee," he says.
-o-o-
He shouldn't air their dirty laundry with their friends, he knows. Erin would never forgive him for telling Antonio what happened. But as soon as his mentor closes the door to the breakroom, and asks how he's doing, Jay can't help it - the whole sordid tale spills out of him.
"I shouldn't have let her do it," he says, his hands shaking as he brings the coffee mug to his mouth and takes a big gulp.
The coffee burns his throat going down, and he can't help but think that he deserves it.
"I should have stopped her," he says. "She begged me to let her do it though Tony, she begged me. She thought I didn't want her anymore, and I didn't want her to think..."
He feels like he needs to defend himself, even though what he did was indefensible. He should never have let her go down on him. Not the way she did, crying and shaking on the floor.
He just didn't know how to stop her. Not when she asked if he still wanted her, not when she pleaded with him not to leave.
"She thinks I'm gonna leave her," he says, and the thought makes him so angry and so sad that he wants to hit something. "I can't seem to get it through to her…"
Antonio looks at him sadly. "What happened after?" he asks. His voice holds no judgment, and that makes Jay feel worse.
"I don't know," Jay says, because he doesn't. He'd been there, but that doesn't mean he understood anything around him. She'd cried all night, and then shut down any of his attempts to talk about it. "She's acting like it didn't happen."
"Jay," Antonio says hesitantly. "I know you don't want to think about this, but I'm just - do you think maybe there's a chance she was raped?"
The word hits him, hard. Because he hasn't even let himself think it yet, hasn't let himself go there.
She would have told him. Right? She wouldn't have kept that from him?
"No," he says firmly, but he can hear the desperation in his voice. "No, she - she said that it just brought up bad memories. She wasn't - she couldn't have been…"
The signs are all there. He knows that.
But he can't let himself believe it.
-o-o-
He watches Erin step into the interrogation room confidently. She's calm, in control - practically strutting.
Jay leans against the window in the observation room, watching her. She looks like his partner now, and he relishes these fleeting glimpses.
DNA had ruled their suspect out as the rapist, but Erin's convinced he must have seen something. Jay's heart drops when Voight ordered her to take a crack at Hayward.
She seems fine. Strong, together, normal.
But something about this situation feels terribly, terribly wrong.
Ruzek closes the door behind them as Erin tosses a folder on the table. It lands in front of their startled suspect.
"What the hell, man?" Hayward grunts.
Erin pulls out a chair, straddles it, while Ruzek tucks himself into the corner. "So if you didn't kill Erica Bogdanovich, then why were you running from the park right after she was murdered?"
Hayward glares at her. "I told you. I was walking home from a bar, and then I realized how late it was, and that I had to get up early for work, so I sped it up."
Erin opens the folder, shows him the DNA results. "We know you didn't rape her," she says, and Jay waits for her to continue, but she seems to lose focus for a second.
He wishes he could see her face through the two-way mirror. Her back is ramrod straight.
"If you know I didn't rape her, then what am I doing here?" Hayward bites.
Erin stands up, very slowly. Jay's heart pounds. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Ruzek take a step closer to her.
"You ran," she says, her voice low and dangerous. "You didn't kill her...but you saw it."
"Great. So arrest me for happening to be in the park while some girl got killed."
Erin nods. She almost seems to be in a trance. "You saw her," she says. "You were there."
"So?" Hayward spits, but he looks nervous now. "Wrong place at the wrong time. That's why I was running! I was freaked!"
"No," Erin says, shaking her head. "You weren't afraid...you didn't call the police."
She's so still and tense. Jay is frozen, watching her.
"You watched," Erin says slowly. "You didn't do it. You stood there and watched while she was raped. While she was beaten to death."
Shit. Shit.
"Watching's not a crime," Hayward smirks.
It happens so fast. One second she's standing, statue-still. The next she's flying at Hayward. His chair topples onto the floor, and Erin's fists are hammering at his face.
"Whoa, whoa, Lindsay!" he hears Ruzek yell, but he's already out the door of the observation room.
-o-o-
By the time he gets into interrogation, Voight and Antonio right behind him, Ruzek is trying - and failing - to pull Erin off Hayward. She's still whaling on the suspect, paying no attention to Ruzek.
And she's screaming. Unintelligible, agonized hysteria. It reminds him of the panic attack she had in the hospital, and it's terrifying.
He shoves Ruzek out of the way and wraps his arms tightly around her, trapping her body against his chest. She fights him, desperately kicking and shouting and struggling. She pries at his arms, but he doesn't let go, forcefully pulling her away from their suspect.
He's not sure she knows what's going on. That's he's the one restraining her.
He feels awful. But he can't let go.
"Shh, shh," he murmurs. "I got you. It's okay." Even though nothing is okay.
Antonio pulls Hayward out of Erin's reach, and she screams, kicking her legs and flailing her arms.
"Get him out of here!" Jay shouts.
Antonio and Ruzek wrestle Hayward out and Voight kicks the door shut. "Let go of me!" Erin shrieks, and he does, immediately.
She stumbles away from him, eyes wild.
"Erin," he says gently.
"He just stood there!" she yells, voice hoarse. "He just stood there and watched while she was raped!"
He takes a step toward her, and she backs away, raising her hands. "I'm fine," she says through gritted teeth.
The silence as Erin's walls visibly go up is thick and pregnant. Jay feels unexpected, hopeless tears prick at his eyes.
He doesn't understand why she insists on going through everything alone.
Not for the first time, he worries that maybe it's him. That he's not enough for her.
"It's late," Voight finally says with a sigh. "Go home, both of you."
"Hank," Erin protests.
"Now," Voight says firmly. "Before I suspend you."
Erin gapes at him, incredulously. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Erin," Voight says, like a parent talking to a recalcitrant teen.
She bangs the door open, storms out.
-o-o-
He finds her in the parking lot, on the phone. Just a few minutes ago, she was screaming, but now her voice is gentle and calm.
"Of course it's not a problem," she's saying. "No, Sammi, it's fine, I promise. It's not too late - we're just leaving work now, actually. I know. No, no, of course not. Yeah. Okay, we'll see you in a few minutes."
She unlocks the car door. "Maddie had a nightmare," she says. "She won't go back to sleep until she talks to me."
"Erin," Jay sighs, unable to contain his exasperation. He yanks open the passenger side door.
He loves how much she loves that kid. How willing she is to help her and sacrifice for her. But for once - for once - he needs her to put herself - and maybe him - first.
He's at his wit's end, and he needs to go home. Now. And talk.
"I can drop you off at home if you want," she says, like she didn't just punch a suspect in the face, like she wasn't just kicking and screaming in his arms.
He doesn't know what to do here. If he loses his temper and yells at her - like he's inches from doing - she'll just panic that he's going to leave her, like she did the night of the blow job debacle.
But patiently pleading with her to talk to him seems to be accomplishing nothing.
In the end, he errs on the side of not picking a fight with her. Not now.
"I'll come," he says, slumping down into his seat.
-o-o-
Erin heads directly into Maddie's room, leaving Jay in the kitchen with Sammi and Tim.
"Is everything okay?" Sammi asks hesitantly, as Jay sinks into a chair, rubbing his temples.
He's so freaking tired.
"Yeah," Jay says, forcing a smile. "Sorry, it's just been a long day."
"I'm really sorry," Sammi says. "I shouldn't have called. It's just that Erin always manages to calm her down, and she was really upset tonight, and I just…"
She trails off. Her husband puts his arm around her, kisses her temple. She leans against him.
Jay feels suddenly, irrationally jealous.
"No," he manages. "No, it's fine. Erin...she wanted to be here for Maddie."
"You sure you're all right?" Tim asks.
Jay can't imagine how terrible he must look right now, for them to be asking so insistently. He searches for a lie, a cover, anything. But there's nothing. "I'm just really worried about her," he sighs. "Erin, I mean. She's having a rough time, and I don't - know what to do for her."
Sammi smiles sympathetically. "If there's anything we can do to help," she says. She reaches over the table to squeeze Jay's hand. "I mean, anything at all. You guys have done so much for us and for Maddie, and we always wish there was some way we could repay you."
Jay swallows the lump in his throat. "You taking such good care of Maddie is more than enough," he says. "I know it makes Erin feel a lot better to see her looking so happy."
Tim grins. "It makes us happy to see Maddie happy," he says. "We feel like we're the lucky ones here."
"We're actually talking about trying to make it permanent," Sammi says hesitantly.
Jay sits up a little straighter. "Wow. Okay. You wanna adopt her?"
"We do," Tim says, and the two look at each other and smile. "Now that her mother's parental rights have been terminated, it seems like it shouldn't be too difficult. Lainie's thrilled, and - it just feels right to us."
The emotions swirling in Jay's gut now are overwhelming. He's thrilled and he's relieved and he's sad and he's envious, and he's not quite sure what to do with them.
So he manages to smile at this wonderful couple, manages to say, "I think that's the best news I've heard in a long time."
-o-o-
Sammi suggests he bring some chocolate chip cookies to Erin and Maddie, so he wraps a few in a napkin and heads back to Maddie's bedroom.
He's spent a lot of time at the Reiners in the last few months, but he rarely comes back here - usually, they play games in the living room, or they take the girls outside to play tag in the backyard. The hallway is lined with family photos - Maddie already appears in quite a few.
He leans against the wall outside the room, listening to the girls talk. He knows he shouldn't be eavesdropping like this, but - sometimes he feels like the only time he gets a glimpse of the old Erin is when she's with Maddie.
"Maddie, it might help to talk about it," Erin says.
He thinks of the irony of those words. Wishes she would listen to them herself.
"Did you dream about the bad man?" Erin presses gently, her voice so full of compassion and sympathy and love that it makes Jay ache.
He just wants her back. He'd do anything, anything at all to get her back.
He can hear Maddie crying, can hear her choking and sniffling and trying to get words out.
"Shhh, sweetie, you're okay," Erin murmurs. "Everything's okay now. He can't hurt you anymore."
"Are you going to have a baby?" Maddie blurts out, her words garbled and tear-filled.
The question is so out of left field and confusing that for a second, Jay thinks maybe he misunderstood her.
"No, sweetheart, I'm not," Erin says soothingly. "I promise you, I'm not."
A baby?
For a second, Jay thinks that Maddie is worried about a baby replacing her in Erin's affections. Until she keeps talking.
"But my mom," the little girl chokes. "She got - she got raped too, and that's - she had me cause a bad man raped her."
Jay feels like he can't breathe. She got raped too.
He can't hear what Erin says. His heart is pounding and his arms are tingling and he's certain his legs are going to collapse. The cookies slip out of his hand and onto the floor.
"But the bad man raped you!" Maddie wails, and Jay has to hold onto the wall, has to force himself to take a deep breath and try to listen.
She'll deny it, he thinks. Maddie's five-years-old, she couldn't have known what was happening. Carver must have beaten Erin - when she got the concussion - that must have been - she's just confused, it was all so scary...
And Maddie can't really know what rape is, she can't, she just-
"I know," Erin says, and her voice is low and steady and soothing, and Jay doesn't understand. He doesn't understand anything. "He did, but Maddie, I promise you, I'm not gonna have a baby, okay? I promise."
He did.
Deep down, Jay has known this for months. Maybe since the day it happened. He knew even while Erin was missing that she was likely being assaulted. He'd known in the hospital, and he'd known when she came home.
He'd known when Antonio broached the subject this afternoon, even though he'd denied it so easily.
But hearing her say the words out loud, hearing it confirmed, is an agony like Jay has never experienced before.
-o-o-
He's sitting on the floor of the Reiners' hallway, unable to move, when she finally comes out.
She turns off the lights in Maddie's bedroom and carefully backs out, nearly tripping over him as she does.
"Jay!" she gasps, her voice a whisper. "What - what are you doing here?"
She laughs uncomfortably, reaching down to help him up, and then catches sight of his face.
He tries to pull it together. Tries to smile at her, tries to continue her game of pretend, of hiding. She's not ready for him to know, and so he needs to bury this, just like she does.
But he can't. He doesn't have as much practice as she does, and he can't keep this hidden. It just hurts too much.
And look where all the lies have gotten them anyway.
He watches the slow realization dawn on her. She takes a shaky step back, bumping into the doorframe.
"You heard," she chokes, her voice low and desperate.
He nods.
She whimpers, covering her mouth with her hands. She looks terrified, and for a few seconds, he thinks she might actually try to run away.
Instead, she turns to look at him, eyes wide and scared.
He needs to be strong. Needs to not fall apart right now. For her.
"Can we - go home?" he asks, voice shaking. "Talk?"
She looks around, as if searching for an exit. Finally, she nods.
-o-o-