CHAPTER 11 – Irresistible need to start from scratch
New York, first days of September 2014
I had spent last month on waiting for results of private investigation. But as I had decided to be patient and strong, I had started to get ready to welcome Britt back. I couldn't be in such a mess. I had gone to the barber, cosmetician, to the spa – and when the outer side was ready, I started to deal with the interior. It was more difficult, but I was determined. It was making my hope stronger and somehow, when I was busy with all that preparations, it felt like it was only a matter of few days, weeks at last, to get her back, it was more sure thing then, not only something I was hoping for.
My interior – by that I meant something that I wanted to do with my life. Work, college, career. I was going through job offers, through possibilities I was getting from New York's colleges. But still I had no idea what to do with my life.
But I was sure that I had to do something with my life. It wasn't only because of Britt's missing, even before I had had no idea for my future, I had been doing different things, but hadn't found good matching idea for myself. I tried to think about moment when I had been happiest. At school I had loved to be a cheerleader, not only because of profits connected to it, I had enjoyed singing and dancing at Glee, but at short time in college I had not found it interesting to focus only on cheerleader practice. I wanted something more. But there in New York being a waitress, it had been just a temporary work, it had sucked. Competing with Rachel for lead singing had been also not so great, I really hadn't wanted to be a singer as a fulltime job, I had just wanted to make it bigger than her. I had always been a competitor. My whole life had been just about pretending, doing something to get respect – like being a Prom Queen, I had not wanted to be it for myself, but just to get admiration. Britt had taught me how to get rid of that, how to stop caring too much about other people's opinions, how to concentrate on my own needs and desires. She had been concentrated on me, she had always been helping me to figure myself out. "I need you so much baby, without you I'm lost".
After three months and few days I was finally ready to call Dani. I wasn't planning apologies or any kind of advances to getting closer, I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear about how she was doing, if she was ok.
- Hello. – I said quietly and hesitantly, totally not like me, cause I wasn't sure how she would react to my call.
- Hi San, what's up? How are you doing?
- I'm ok, maybe not really but … – Few seconds of silence made me forget why in the first place I had wanted to call her.
- But?
- It's completely not ok, if you ask me to be honest.
- I know about Brittany, so you don't have to pretend.
- You don't know nothing about her, is it clear? – I furiously screamed to the phone.
- So you call to yell at me, nice Santana, very nice.
- Noo … I'm sorry … – There was silence once again, but still I couldn't find out my reasons to call her. "Why Santana? To yell? To apologize? To …?"
- I see that now you are in phase of being angry and feeling sorry for that, I really understand and wish you to find her as soon as possible, but …
- But you said that we could come back to being friends.
- Yes, that's right. But I don't need a friend, who is such a bitch.
- I'm not …
- Yes you are. Accept it or change it. Going through your personal drama doesn't give you right to treat other people the way you do. Anyway I have to go back to work, see you.
- Like you wish, so bye Dani.
Yes, maybe after all I knew why I had called her in the first place. To hear the true, I was a bitch, I was acting like a bitch toward Kurt, Rachel, my parents, when they called me. I acted as I was the most wronged person in the world and everybody had to care of my feelings and tiptoe around me. I pushed Rachel and Kurt to take care of me, to make groceries, prepare meals, and still I was unsatisfied, showing my anger and frustration on every step. It was true, I had always had bitchy attitude, but now I was crossing the line.
I went to the kitchen. Kurt and Rachel were talking enthusiastically about some performance.
- What are you two so excited about? – Even if I didn't planned it, I heard for my own ears, that pretension was audible in my voice. Fuck, I was a bitch. I needed to change it, even if it wouldn't be so easy.
- From that semester we will have new classes, whole half of the year about preparing one drama, and in January we will perform it publicly. I can't wait … – Rachel was so annoyingly excited. It would be harder than I could have ever predicted. She was making me want to be bitchy more than ever.
- Wonderful, just amazing, maybe in audience I will be able to applaud you together with Brittany, but wait you don't care about her, am I wrong? – It was my standard influx of anger, which I wasn't able to stopped.
- Oh Santana, please stop it, do you want to torment yourself. – I heard concern in Rachel's voice.
- By the way, do you want to torment us too? – Kurt put in his two cents.
- I was hoping just for a little support, but … as always I'm alone with everything. – It was a bullshit, I knew that, I knew that they were supporting me, taking care of me, but I just had to dump some part of blame on someone else. And every day I was getting more and more frustrated. – Why the hell that detective is not informing us about anything? – I changed subject immediately.
- He texted me today in the morning, full report will be ready tomorrow.
- And Rachel why didn't you tell me earlier? – Now my anger was just exploding.
- Because, I didn't want you to go more insane while waiting for 24 hours focused only on that report.
- You are such a caring bitch … Thanks. – I screamed and ran out of apartment.
Only two things were present on my mind – there where two possible option: "Option one – tomorrow I will be reunited with my love. I will be able to make everything clear, I will forgive her for running away and she will forgive me for making that whole mess with Dani, and we will make up, make peace, make love, make us both happy. So tomorrow will be the first day of our new wonderful life. But unfortunately there is also option number two – tomorrow I will be pushed to get rid of the remnants of hope. There would be no more chances to find her, if that one failed." Rachel was right, I would go insane waiting for tomorrow, for that fucking report.
I had to focus on something else, anything, but I was not able to. In my mind there was a mixture of hope, hopelessness, pressure to find something to build my life around, just in case that option two would happen. I went for a walk, haunted by need to figure something out. I had to, I felt so strong pressure. I walked by, passed few avenues, not being able to see anything around me. I stopped at the corner of the streets, because of traffic lights. I was waiting for green one to show up. I so badly needed any hope, any sign. That red light was so annoying, I turned around and my eyes were caught by big green banner over the entrance – it said "ProHope". "Hope … hope, pro hope … could it be some sign? Don't be stupid, there is no such a thing like signs."But anyway I looked closer, there was information on entrance door.
"We are looking for people who want to do something positive with their life. Marketing can be not only about selling but also persuading to change, giving everybody hope for the future."
I missed green light, there was red again, so I came closer. It was some company called "ProHope", I hadn't seen it there before. Short and not very specific name, but I came in without thinking why and what for.
- Good morning, how can I help you? – Man behind desk greeted me with big smile on his face.
- I read that information about work, could you tell me something more.
- We are looking for people with energy and motivation to change a world. To create …
He was telling some bullshit and wasting my time (as if I had anything to do at all), but anyway I interrupted him, using one of my most bitchy tone of voice.
- It's like some empty slogan, don't you think?
- No, not here.
- Really?
- Not, it's not an empty word, we are a part of process that may help rescue our planet and our lives.
- Some ecological bullshit, I guess. – I was rude, but I couldn't stop myself.
- Not exactly. – He smiled, what a man, he was so nice, when I was insulting his job and him as a worker of that company, he continued with stoic calm. – We are working for companies which offer ecologic and healthy food, natural living arrangements, renewable energy sources etc. It really can change a world for people who decide to use it, for their environment.
- Sublime idea. And that work, what do you do exactly? Is there some call center here?
- It's a first step, making appointments for presentation, calling people with offers. But if you were good enough, you would get your clients and take care only of their needs, look for special offers, individual products, you could even invent some authorized projects. What you get from job here, it is up to you.
- I see. – I said with disbelief.
- Do you want to fill in personal questionnaire?
- I don't think so.
At that moment I noticed that there in the room was not only him but also other person, that was a girl, I realized that, when she spoke up.
- You should try, I have been here for two years now, and already gain ten regular customers, which allowed me to purchase that smoking cabriolet, which is parked in front of the entrance.
- I don't like cars without roof, it's not good for my hair. So I go without it.
- She has a sharp riposte, could be a good seller. – She said that in direction of that man, but came closer to me and put business card in my hand.
- Think of it, it's really hope for better future. – That man from behind the desk added.
I left without even saying goodbye. They were strange or maybe I was strange. But could it matter anyway?
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was just waiting. Finally next day, about 4.30 PM my cell rang out – it was notification of new mail. And there was awaited report. Few thoughts ran around: "If I should read it alone? Or should I wait for Rachel and Kurt? Read it on screen or print? What if …. – no, no, no there is no option – she is alive and alright and in five minutes I will call her. Don't be a coward Santana, read it!"
RAPORT FROM PRIVATE INVESTIGATION
AUTHOR:Matthew Watts
RECIPIENT:Santana Lopez
THE PERSON SOUGHT:Brittany Susan Pierce
RESULTS:
Last seen: Brittany Pierce was last seen on May, 25th at Lima Bus Station. According to station monitoring system she entered station about 8 PM and left 8.15 PM. Cashier at the station (note the name – confidential) recalled that day and conversation with B. Pierce, she recognized her from a photo provided by the client. Cashier said that B. Pierce was trying to buy ticket to New York, but there was no connections within 6 hours (next planned about 2 AM), so she left. On material from monitoring outside the station she couldn't be noticed. After interview with people living and working around station, it is confirmed that she was there that night about 8 PM, but nobody was able to say in which direction she went after leaving station.
Last activity on computer: thanks to mother of B. Pierce, her personal computer could be searched. Last activity was on May, 25th, from Internet browser history: she was looking for connection to New York. Log in and out of her mail box.
Last phone activity(due to billing list and data from phone operator): last phone call – May, 25th 11.15 PM – 2 minutes phone call to number, which belongs to Rachel Berry, before and after (within 4 hours) 5 unanswered phone calls to number, which belonged to client; last text message – May, 25th 11.38 PM, recipient – Mrs. Pierce (mother; contest of text message could be taken as goodbye and announcement of need to disappear). Number inactivated since May, 26th 1.58 AM.
Research in Lima, New York, Massachusetts – without any result, nobody from her family, friend, co-students has been in contact with her since May, 25th .
Research on available records:
- List of missing people – without result, within US
- List of hospitalized people – without result, within US
- List of people arrested – without result, within US
- List of deceased persons – without result, within US
CONCLUSIONS: Brittany Pierce can't be found, but there is no evidence that any kind of crime or accident might be involved, because she personally indicated that she would go away and would contact family members when she would be ready. No grounds to report to the police.
CHARGE: 1600 $
Great 1600 $ for such a bullshit, there was nothing I hadn't known myself before, that fucking private detective didn't give me anything, just took away remnants of hope with his "conclusions".
After few days of crying, I didn't have any more tears. I had to stop. Brittany had made her decision, I had to accept that, she had moved on, somewhere out there, without me. Obviously she didn't need me, so I had to learn to live on my own. Even if she had thought, that I had chosen Dani, it had been so cruel that she had not been able to inform me about her decision face to face, or at least via text message, that she had just disappeared. There was nothing to ponder. No matter how much I loved her, she disappointed me, I had to start a new life without her and desperately needed to learn how not to miss her. I made my last goodbye to her, I ran through memories which in my head merged with melodies … it was like snapshots with musical background … our whole love story …
So darling have a heart
Don't let one mistake keep us apart
… Turn this house into a home
… Oh, please be there
Still in love with me
/ We were at Glee, my head was on Britt's shoulder, while Kurt was singing that song. I knew, as well as she knew, that we wanted to have "home" together, closure was in every touch we shared, even in such innocent one, like laying down my head on her shoulder. But I was too afraid to admit it, it was long before I was ready, and long after I had started to feel something, but then I was still focused on protecting myself from feelings …
Touch a touch a touch me
Oh! Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me oh,
I wanna be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night!
/ She had always been able to make me laugh, encouraged me to pranks. I had to admit that we were always great at having fun together. Running down that hall, dancing with her, making fun – it was easy and felt good. She was amazing, and I knew that if I had her I wouldn't need anybody else to feel happiness. I was so afraid of it, that without her I wouldn't be able to feel anything positive again …
Since I've come on home
Well, my body's been a mess
… Why don't you come on over
Valerie?
/ It was a perfection, Brittany made choreography and was dancing like a professional. She was an amazing dancer, best I had ever seen. And at the beginning of the song, when she touched my hair and then butt – oww … all that shivers weren't part of choreography, it wasn't planned but gave me power to sang that song the best way I could.
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
(Cause I've) built my life around you
/ "Still I have to accept that I love you. I love you and I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please." And she said something that drove me furious at that moment, but then I understood, that she gave me time to be ready "Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie."
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
… And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before
/ I would never forget the way she was looking at me, her face was lightening up, her eyes were fulfilling with joy and she was so beautiful at that moment, when she had finally realized that she would not have to hide her feelings anymore, that I really loved her, that I was ready.
See, you better not play me
Don't come here baby
… You'll do anything for me
Who run the world? Girls! Girls! Girls!
/ I was so proud of her, she was powerful, smart, she could do anything, if she only were able to concentrate on herself a little more, not at me for the whole time. And dancing, I could watch her dancing for hours …
She is a stranger
You and I have history
Or don't you remember?
… You've got your head in the clouds
She made a fool out of you
… I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
/ Singing that verse about being married, was the first time in my whole life when I had realized that I had been dreaming about marrying Brittany. She was the one for me, I was sure that when the right moment would come we could profess endless love to each other. But now when I was recreating that song it got totally different meaning, maybe more similar to original lyrics – she was somewhere out there, and probably somebody else was giving her happiness that I should have given to her before, maybe even she forgot about our history, completely. It was so painful, clarified thought that somebody else might love her more than I could, making her dreams came true.
First time ever I saw your face
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
… And the first time ever I saw your face
/ That look on her face and her smile when for the first time I saw her face, no matter how hard I would try I was sure that I would not be able to erase that picture from my brain. That was the moment in my life which initiated the change, it wasn't a fast process, but that moment was a beginning of it. She was the reason for my change, the reason why I had begun process of learning how to be happy.
You don't know how many times
I've wished that I had told you
… Cherish the thought Of always having you
Here by my side Oh, baby I...
/ Since there was no wedding day in our scenario, I had to choose that day as the happiest in our history. Valentine's Day, there were gifts, the playlist she prepared for me, serenading, she was so lovely in that funky dress, dancing in Breadstix, tones of kisses, declarations of love and night of endless love-making. Like a wedding day and night …
Don't know why
I'm surviving every lonely day
… If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
/ I saw her face, she was the only one person in the room, who noticed that I was singing not only about her, but also about need to do something spectacular with my life. She had always known me so well, she had been able to read through me. And now that song was too full of different meanings – the emphasis was on "if I can't have you", cause I was not able to have her anymore, and I didn't want nobody else, and that situation was completely tearing me apart.
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it
I can see it now
/ I saw her tears, she was crying because of me, because she felt left behind. Seeing her hurt, hurt by me was the worst view in my life. Indeed she was the best thing that had ever been mine. I couldn't doubt it. But I had to accept that there was no way to going back to what we once had had.
Making that decision and going down the memory lane cost me some more tears. The morning after I woke up on wet pillow, but with strength to implement my resolution.
I ran out of bed in a hurry and without taking time for shower or even brushing teeth, I went to hall looking for something that was at that moment only one thing I could focus on. I found it in pocket of my blouse.
ProHope – Company which brings hope for the future
Cell phone: ….
I chose the number immediately. That job, any job was the only one solution for me at that moment, I had to be occupied with something, I needed any hope for new future for myself.
Lyrics used in this chapter
Dionne Warwick "A house is not a Home"
Cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show "Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch Me"
The Zutons "Valerie"
Fleetwood Mac "Landslide"
Fleetwood Mac "Songbird"
Beyoncé "Run the World (Girls)"
Adele "Rumour Has It/Someone Like You"
Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
Madonna/The Association "Cherish/Cherish"
Bee Gees "If I Can't Have You"
Taylor Swift "Mine"