Primeval
Chapter Eleven

Hours passed without a sound, and Raven sat in her room, watching as the sun moved slowly from East to West. She was not bothered, she was not interrupted, and in the darkness and solitude of her room, Raven had a moment of lucidity. One solitary moment where her mind wasn't caught up in the torrential push of emotions, either from her, or Beast Boy, or the beast. And for that one moment she realized exactly what had been happening: she was succumbing to the emotions she so desperately fought. She clawed her way away from them, kicked and screamed until it felt like her entire world was going to come crashing down around her ears, but it didn't matter in the end. She was an empath, and her emotions would always be affected by others.

Including Beast Boy.

So, when he told her he loved her, her heart stopped beating, her mind buzzed, her skin flushed, and she felt every ounce of sincerity poured into those few simple words. But whose emotions were they? Hers? His? The beast's? At what point was she feeling things that belonged to her, and things that belonged to someone else? And at what point did her mouth start to form the words to say them back? Did she love him too, or was it just because of what she was? Because she was feeling something that wasn't hers?

"You're thinking too hard about it."

Raven jerked and looked over at her nightstand, where her mirror lay. She rolled her eyes and picked it up, looking into the reflection of Beast Boy. Her lips pursed and she glared down at his doppelganger that lived in her soul. "And what would you know, Desire, about thinking? You're impulsive and rash, and you've gotten me into more trouble than I want to bring up."

"Trouble? Is that what you think of it? I would consider it something a little more… satisfying. I must say, I didn't know you had the ability to be so… reckless. Against a wall in public? How utterly devilish." He flashed a predatory smile and looked into her eyes, remind Raven of the way the beast looked at her. "I'm quite proud of you, Raven… you've come a long way from the blushing virgin."

"Shut up." Raven yanked a pillow from behind her and shoved it over the mirror, desperately trying to drown him out. The last thing she needed was his nonsense, especially after she worked so hard to keep him under control. "You don't control me."

"I don't." His words were muffled by the pillow. "But I know you, and sometimes that's a bit more dangerous." He paused for a moment, as if waiting for Raven to remove the pillow, but she sat there and glared at the wall. "You're questioning the validity of your emotions, what was fed to you and what was not. You're wondering how much effect Beast Boy has on you, and how many of his emotions have gotten under your skin. You want to love him, but you're afraid of whether or not that is your feeling, or his."

Raven growled low in her throat and yanked the pillow off to stare into the mirror. "I can separate the two."

"Can you?" The image smirked and shook his head. "Do you really find it so easy now that both of your souls are intertwined? He is part of you and you are part of him, his emotions are yours. There is no longer a you and him, there is an us."

Raven rolled her eyes. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither does a demon and a beast, but here we are, being claimed by one." He laughed and his smirk grew into a grin. "And quite well, I might add. I didn't think Beast Boy had that kind of desire in him. I'm rather impressed with his prowess in bed."

Raven felt color leave her face and she turned away. "Please, don't remind me."

"You enjoyed it, Raven…" Desire suddenly sounded irritated and Raven looked back at him. "You enjoyed the ways he touched you and pleased you, denying that is only making me what I am: an image of what you want to enjoy, of what you desire. You are doing this to yourself."

"You're making me out to be the bad guy."

Desire scoffed and shook his head. "There is no bad guy in the game of love, Raven. Both parties win or lose, there is no in between."

"And what do you think I should do about this, then?" Raven glared down into her mirror, waiting for something ridiculous to come out of his mouth.

"Go away." Desire blinked at her and frowned, as if she had asked a very stupid question. "It's as simple as that. If you truly believe that his emotions are affecting yours, then go away. Somewhere where there are no people, where there are no emotions, where there is no push and pull against your soul. And if you still feel the things you do… then maybe these feelings are yours."

Raven was startled by the simplicity of his answer. It wasn't something ridiculous, it was logical, sound, and it made more sense than anything had this past week. Be alone, find your center, and find the truth. Easy. But how was she supposed to do it? "And that's it? Just pick up my duties and leave? For how long? And what will Robin and the others think?"

Desire shrugged. "The Boy Wonder has no room to argue against your time away, not after his ridiculous trek halfway across the world into the Himalayan mountainside to go be stronger, or find himself, or whatever nonsensical bullshit he wants to call it." He frowned and looked up into her eyes. "You wouldn't need long, Raven… just some time to cleanse your soul and find out what is true and what is something else. Leave now, if you want. What's the Boy Wonder going to do? Chase you? He knows too well that is a terrible idea, and he knows when to leave you alone."

Raven sighed and leaned back against her headboard, staring at her bookshelf. What had she gotten herself caught up in? And how in the world was she going to make it right again? "Can I reverse this?"

Desire started, as if confused and taken aback by her sudden question. "I don't know. That's a question for Intelligence. But, perhaps that's not the question you should really be asking. Maybe the question is: do you want to reverse it."

Raven felt color floor her face and she glared. "Why wouldn't I?"

Desire shrugged. "Again, not my area of expertise. I deal in primal emotions, not soul searching for answers. Now, if you wanted to know my opinion of Beast Boy's-"

"No." Raven covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to block out the rush of heat that pressed against her. Of all the things he had to bring up… "I do not want to hear your opinion on that particular subject, Desire, so you can shut up right now."

His laugh echoed through the stillness of the room. "I'm just saying… he's gifted."

"I know." Raven picked up the mirror and turned it face down on her nightstand, hoping that she had effectively ended the conversation. Minutes ticked past, and there was no peep from Desire, proving that he had ended the conversation and retreated into the recesses of Raven's soul. She sighed and glanced out at the window, watching a few barges move through the still waters of the bay.

"Cleanse my soul?" Raven sighed and moved to her closet, pulling a few things from its darkest corners. It was a rash and stupid thing to do, but that was usually Desire's M.O., still… the idea had some merit. Raven was pushed and pulled in every direction possible, turning her emotions into a storm she didn't understand. If she left, if she found solitude, then maybe she would find herself. Maybe she would even find the truth behind the storm of emotions she was feeling. "Maybe…"

Raven changed out of her uniform into jeans and a raggedy sweatshirt that was a size too big. Looking into her closet, she threw a few provisions into a backpack. Guilt ate at her as Raven stared at her backpack in her hand and then at the door handle. Was she really going to do this? Was she really going to trust someone as impulsive as Desire? Yes. She was going to take one stupid leap of faith and try to cleanse her soul. She opened her door and took those first few steps down the hall, making her way to the kitchen.

It wasn't as if she was going to be gone forever. A few days at the most, just a few moments of silence, just enough to figure this out, just enough to really see if it was her own emotions she was feeling. And then she would come back… and then what? Raven sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, holding her head in her hands. What if the emotions weren't her own, what if they were someone else's? She would come back knowing that what she was feeling wasn't hers, and then what would happen to Beast Boy? She would crush him.

But the more frightening question was what if those feelings were her own?

Raven felt her eyes close and she took a long, deep breath. This was such a mess.

"You're up late."

Raven jerked and whipped around to stare into a pair of deep green eyes. Beast Boy. Words caught in her throat and she forced herself to turn back around, rummaging in the cupboards for a few morsels of food, things she could take with her. Why did this suddenly hurt so much? "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were still up."

"I couldn't sleep… I've been thinking about you all day, wondering when we would get the chance to talk about what happened." He leaned against the other counter and watched her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Raven positioned her body just right so that he couldn't see the backpack at her feet. She knew what would happen once he saw it. He would know she was leaving, and he would fight her every step of the way.

"I know that what I said upset you, and I know that in the context of our… relationship… it was probably downright rude, but I couldn't keep it from you anymore. I was hurt and angry and frustrated, and I thought that maybe if you knew how I felt, then maybe you would love me too." He held up his hand as Raven opened her mouth to respond, effectively silencing her. "I know that was a stupid thing to think, but I… I just… I needed to tell you."

"I… I know…" Raven leaned against the counter and stared at the floor. "I know that you were just trying to tell me, but I'm not angry at what you said, I'm scared. I've never been loved before, at least not the way you love me, and I don't know how to respond. I don't even know if these emotions are mine."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm an empath, Gar…" She sighed and motioned to herself. "My energy draws off other people's emotions, and sometimes it can feel like those emotions are mine too. In the end, I have no idea if anything I'm experiencing is really mine."

Realization flooded his face. "I never really saw it from that perspective."

Raven gave a half-hearted shrug. "I never expected you to. It's my burden to bear, and I don't imagine a whole lot of people really understand what it means." She took a long, deep breath and looked into his eyes, seeing his understanding there. He didn't fully comprehend what was going on, but he wanted to trust her, and that was something. "I want you to know that I want these emotions to be mine. I want to look at you and know that what I'm feeling right now isn't because of you or the beast. I want it to be because of me."

He looked right into her eyes, letting the silence fall around them. "Do you love me?"

His bluntness caught her off guard and she stumbled over her words trying to find the right response. How did he always manage to do that to her? "Right now… I don't know. It feels like I should, but I can't tell if that's me. I can't tell anything anymore." She gave a bitter bark of laughter and shook her head. "I guess you're right, I can never face my problems head-on. I always run away from them."

"I didn't mean that…" He let his words fall off and looked at his feet. "I get so… frustrated with you, Raven. It's like all you want to do is make my life and my own emotions difficult. You want me, you don't want me. You comfort me, and then you drive me insane. You mate with me and then regret it… you make love to me, and run away when I tell you how I feel… I just don't know what to think any more and I don't know how to handle it, so I lash out. I get angry, and I say things I don't really mean."

Raven was glad the darkness hid her blush. "I do the same. You drive me nuts… but I guess I can't really imagine my life without you. I just… I want to make sure that all of this is mine. That I'm feeling what I want to feel, and not what you or the beast wants me to feel. I want to make sure that it's all me."

Beast Boy stared at her for a long moment, as if trying to decipher her words. "It almost sounds like you're planning on leaving."

Raven swallowed a growing lump in her throat and turned away from him, pretending to be more interested in the cupboard than their conversation. Beast Boy continued to stare at her until the air turned thick around them, to the point it felt as if it was choking her.

His words were barely over a whisper. "Are you?"

Raven stilled, but she didn't respond. She didn't want him to think that this was his fault. It wasn't. It was her choice. It was her way of trying to figure out if everything she was feeling was real and hers.

There was a long stretch of silence, and she could feel his stare boring into her back, eyes dropping down to see the backpack at her feet. His emotions pushed and pulled at her as everything clicked into place for him, working her own guilt into something deeper and more painful. He cleared his throat and took a cautious step toward her. "Where are you going?" He dropped his voice low and approached her carefully, trying to treat her as if she were a frightened animal, like one wrong move would have made Raven scamper off. "Are you running away? From me?"

"No… of course not." She sighed and turned around to face him, trying to keep herself detached from the emotions on his face. He looked almost wounded by her sudden need to leave, not that she could blame him. He had just poured his soul out for her, and she ran away and was still running away, because she didn't know how to respond to or understand what happened. Raven closed her eyes, hoping to block out the press of his pain. "I'm just leaving… for a while."

"That sounds a lot like running away." Beast Boy looked confused and then he turned away, his emotions turning frail and confused. "Look, if it's about this morning…"

"It's not." Raven frowned and rubbed her forehead, trying to keep her emotions at bay and sort them from his own. Everything felt like it had just reached the peak and it was spiraling out of control, threatening her and her sanity. She looked into his eyes, trying to keep her face blank. "It's not… I just… I need to know if what I'm feeling is mine, or if it's yours, or if it's the beast's… I don't know, there's just so much going on right now and I can't process it. I just need to be a lone for a little bit, not forever."

Beast Boy glanced back at her, his eyes filled with emotion. "I never meant for those words to hurt you like they did. I just… I didn't know how to tell you how I felt."

"This morning… your words…" Raven felt the heat creep into her face and she stared up at him, trying to hold her ground. "They didn't hurt, Gar… I told you already, they frightened me… I'm confused. I want to reciprocate, but I can't tell if I'm giving you my own feelings or not. If I'm being influenced by you or by the beast… I want to know. I want to know that this is me."

"I…" He looked away, his face falling into an expression of defeat. Any words of protest he might have had, died on his tongue. "I want it to be you too. If I'm influencing you with my own feelings, I want to know too. If you don't love me the way I love you, then I have to know. I can't go on worrying that what we have and what we build together is only because of me."

Raven felt her heart leap into her throat. For the first time in a week, they weren't fighting, they weren't arguing, that weren't at each other's throats because they didn't understand. It was the first time they had come to an agreement, the first time their choices hadn't been adrenaline fueled decisions. And something about it felt good. It felt almost right.

He managed to take a few steps forward, still careful not to scare her. "So… you're going away?"

She nodded and continued putting things in her backpack, trying to drone out the frantic beating of her heart. "For a little while."

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere with no people." Raven looked over at him and felt pain well up into her chest. He was hurt by her decision, but he knew there was nothing he could do to change her mind. And in that pain, there was the spiny feeling of guilt. She reached out at touched his arm, taking a step forward. "This isn't your fault, Gar. I promise, I just… I need to figure something out."

"I know…" His hands weaved into her hair and he leaned his forehead against hers, looking into her eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper and he leaned a little closer to her. "I know."

Beast Boy closed the space between them, desperately kissing her as if the world was going to end tomorrow. His lips moved carefully over hers, trying to show in one kiss what he had grown to feel over their years together. It was beautiful, and Raven felt her face flush and her throat tighten as his hands slid over her body, touching her and exploring her the same way he had last night, gentle and sincere, as if she was nothing less that precious.

"I don't want you to go." He whispered against her lips. "But I understand why."

"Thank you." Raven hitched her backpack on her shoulders and pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her head, hiding her shocked expression from him. "Tell the others I'm okay and I'll be back soon."

"Mm…" He reached out and cupped her cheek, then let his hand drop to his side. "Come home if you need anything."

"I will…" Raven slid out from between him and the counter and headed for the darkness in the hallway. Something stopped her at the door way and she turned around, looking at him. They stood there and stared at each other for a long moment before Raven finally spoke. "Don't blame yourself for this, Gar… it was something I had to do regardless. I… want to love you too." She didn't let him respond and slid into the night.

)O(

So… I know this isn't really up to par with my usual chapters, but I wanted to put it out as a peace-offering. I haven't forgotten about this story, and I am actively working on it. I promise that the next chapter will be up soon, and the story will be wrapping up in the next two to three chapters. An end has to be in sight.

Also, if anyone is interested, I am actually working on a rewrite to this story. Something very similar, but very different, with a real, cohesive plot. We'll see where that goes.

Anyway! Please let me know what you think! I love to hear your thoughts!