Chapter 11: Emily
~ Three weeks after B & E's Saturday ~
EDWARD…
The doorbell rang just as I stepped out of the shower. Jake was in the kitchen making coffee, so he could deal with whoever was at our door this early on a Saturday morning. I glanced at the casual side of my closet, which was pretty much bare, and chose a pair of jeans and a random shirt. Emily didn't care what I wore, so wardrobe choices were pretty simple. If only everything else in my life was that easy. I'd just begun the hunt for two socks that might have remotely matched when all hell broke loose in the kitchen.
"Holy shit! Come and look at this!"
I trotted into the kitchen and it looked like a bomb had gone off inside of a UPS store. White Styrofoam peanuts were scattered all over the table and tiled floor. Ripped cardboard pieces from the shipping carton were flung everywhere, and Jake was staring at the middle of the table, his hands on top of his head, grinning his ass off.
"Look at that! LOOK. AT. THAT!"
I looked at it. Shook my head. I wasn't sure what to say. "Who's it for? And who's it from?" was all I could come up with.
"It's mine! It's my birthday tomorrow, remember? It's my gift from Alice, and it's fucking amazing! It's perfect!"
I walked around the table to get a look at the front. Yep. It was exactly what I'd thought it was. I frowned at him, confused. "Okay, you go completely ballistic when she offers to buy you a car, but you're ecstatic when she buys you a dollhouse?"
He glared at me like I was the biggest idiot on the planet. "It's not a dollhouse. It's a scaled replica of Fallingwater."
I gave him a What-the-hell-is-Fallingwater? look.
"It's Frank Lloyd Wright's most famous house, and my favorite of his designs. He built it on top of a waterfall. And look!" He pointed at the bottom of the thing. "It even has a built-in fountain that looks just like the actual waterfall! I swear to God, I have to marry this girl. She's a keeper, a fucking keeper."
An envelope was lying among the scattered peanuts, with "My darling Tay Tay" written across the front. I picked it up and laughed. "Tay Tay?"
He snatched it from me, frowning. "It's her nickname for me. You know…Taylor…my middle name? Tay Tay?"
Oh, the teasing I could have employed using that little tidbit of information, but I decided to leave it for another day. I had a long day ahead of me and, unfortunately, didn't have time to indulge myself.
"You'll probably get some nice birthday sex out of this," I observed, smirking.
He sighed, his excitement over his gift, suddenly gone. "Nope. No birthday sex. We haven't slept together yet."
My mouth dropped open. They'd been a couple for over six weeks and hadn't had sex? I wasn't sure whether I should ask. Luckily, I didn't have to. Jake answered my unspoken question for me.
"I can't be with her while I'm hooking," he said quietly, his mouth set in a hard, stubborn line. "And that's something I've needed to talk to you about for awhile now. I just hadn't figured out how to bring it up." He hesitated, looking at the floor, and then finally raised his gaze to meet mine. "I need to drop down a pay grade."
I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Jake and I had an agreement: we shared expenses, we shared jobs. If he dropped down a pay grade, we'd have trouble paying the bills, and I'd have to work the sex jobs alone.
"Don't worry about the bills," he said, reading my mind. "I have that all figured out already. I can trade down and get a more sensible car. I'm going to drop the gym membership. I can run and do push-ups here, and I don't have to be such a clothes whore. I can cut way back on that. I'll be able to pay my share. You won't have to fork out any extra. I know you can't afford to do that."
I nodded, but tightening his belt wouldn't change the fact that I'd be working alone from now on. The thought that I'd have to actually pull the load of an entire evening all by myself made me sick to my stomach. I was barely able to tolerate the small part I played on these "dates" as it was, even with Jake doing most of the work.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking away. "But I never even considered how this job would affect my relationships." He shook his head. "All I saw was the money, and a way to get myself through school without debt. I never even thought about falling in love." He raked his fingers through his spiked hair. "I can't be with Alice until I'm clean. You know what I mean?"
His dark, pleading eyes found mine. I knew what he meant. I understood. How many women were there in the world who could actually love men like us? If Jake had found one, he needed to do whatever he had to do to keep her.
"I can't fuck some strange woman on Thursday night, and then be with Alice for the first time on Friday night. I need to be completely out of that shit first. Completely clean," he continued, taking my silence as a sign that I objected.
"I understand. You have to do what you have to do." Nobody knew that better than me.
He exhaled, looking enormously relieved. "Thanks. I appreciate the understanding. I know I'm deserting you, but I don't know what else to do. I want Alice in my life, and I can't keep doing this and have her, too."
I nodded, busying myself with picking peanuts off of the table and putting them in a neat pile.
"You're spending the day with Emily?"
"Of course." I spent every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday with her. He knew that.
I saw him swallow down whatever it was he was about to say. He objected to my relationship with Emily. She was a bone of contention between us and had been for a very long time. I knew how he felt, and he knew how I felt. I was relieved that he'd decided to keep his mouth shut for once. I didn't need an argument with him to start my day. It was going to be hard enough without that.
"Tell her I said 'hey'."
I nodded. "I will."
I leaned against the doorjamb and watched Emily. Some of my most cherished memories came from watching her when she was unaware of my presence. It was pouring the rain outside and her gaze was focused intently on the windows and the rivulets of water streaking down the glass. She loved the rain, always had.
"Does the sun ever shine in this place?" I asked, sounding like a spoiled, whiny child who was stuck indoors with nothing to do.
She turned her deep brown eyes in my direction and smiled. "When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. When you die, the world cries, and you rejoice. A beautiful soul has died somewhere today. The rain is just the world crying for their loss."
"That's beautiful, Em." I folded her into my arms and held her tight. This woman that I had fallen so blindly in love with was my sun, she shone so brightly in my life that the rain couldn't chase away my happiness for very long. We held each other and silently stared out the window and watched the world mourn.
I crossed the room and sat down beside of her.
"Emily."
Her gaze slowly made its way from the window to my face. The corners of her mouth twitched, and I smiled in return. She was more alert than usual. It was going to be a good day.
"You look so beautiful today." I ran my fingers lightly through her hair, and brushed them down her high, sculpted cheekbone. "You and Rosemary must have had yourselves a spa day," I commented, smiling. Her hair was silken, straight and shining. Her skin glowed, the usual ashen pallor hidden beneath skillfully applied, but subtle, makeup. I leaned in to deliver a soft kiss to her forehead and the smell of her favorite shampoo washed over me.
"Mmmm, why do I have a sudden craving for Strawberry Shortcake?" My nose was nestled deep in her thick hair and I was drowning in the smell.
She giggled and wriggled away from me. "That's my shampoo, silly. I love strawberries, everything about them: the taste, the texture, the smell. They're my favorite."
I scooted closer and buried my nose in her hair again. "Mmmm, then I think strawberries are my new favorite, too."
"I'll get the whipped cream." Her deliciously seductive laughter sent a thrill through my body.
"Eh…"
Moderately severe brain injury has a language all its own that only those intimately acquainted with it can understand. It had taken Emily years of therapy to get where she was today, and dogged patience on my part to learn her small vocabulary, but we were finally at a point where we could communicate quite well with each other.
"Eh…" She repeated my name and tried to raise her arm. Her movements were jerky and uncoordinated, much like an infant who had yet to learn to use his limbs. The part of her brain that controlled muscle movement and speech had been severely damaged in the accident.
Regardless, I understood her unspoken request. I knew what she wanted: to touch me. I guided her hand to my face and uncurled her fingers, placing them against my cheek. Her mouth twitched at the corners, the only smile she'd ever been able to manage. I watched her eyes soften, brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles.
"Painted fingernails? You and Rosemary definitely had some girl time, didn't you? I'll bet if I pull off those socks, your toenails are painted, too."
Her eyes glistened and danced; I knew she was laughing inside, but unable to express it verbally. A great deal of her communication was through her beautiful, deep brown eyes, which were still as mesmerizing to me as they'd been when I'd first looked into them four years ago.
"I've thought about you all week," I said softly, continuing to hold her hand in mine. "And about that hiking trip we took to Forks way back when. Remember?"
She made her sound for 'yes', which in no way resembled the actual word.
"I really can't believe you talked me into that," I said, chuckling. "A city boy like me traipsing through the woods for five miles in brand new hiking boots? It's a wonder it turned out as good as it did."
"How many more miles is it to where ever it is that we're going?" I groused.
"We're not going anywhere in particular, Edward. We're just walking, communing with nature, enjoying the scenery," she said over her shoulder as I trudged along behind her. My feet hurt and I was dog tired. She was seriously kicking my ass in the physical fitness department.
"If you keep this up, you're going to have to carry me out of here on your back," I grumbled.
Her laughter rang throughout the quiet woods, causing a group of birds to take flight through the trees above our heads.
"Oh, look!" She pointed and took off at a trot, heading for a break in the dense undergrowth.
"Do you remember the meadow?"
"Fuh…ul.."
"You remember the flowers?"
She answered with her 'yes' sound.
"I'd never seen so many flowers in one place, except maybe in the park, but those were planted. These were wild and so colorful: purples, pinks, whites, and so much green."
"Look at this!" She danced around in the center of the meadow, spinning and twirling her arms in complete abandon. She looked so free and happy.
It was beautiful, but the best part about the meadow was that it was dry. Since I'd been in Forks it seemed like I'd been nothing but wet, but the sun had evaporated the rain from the grass to the point that we could actually sit down without soaking our clothes. I sank to the flowered-covered ground in exhaustion, sprawling out with my legs and arms flung where ever they landed. I looked up at the crystal clear blue sky and sighed in contentment as the sun's rays beamed down and warmed my exposed skin.
Suddenly, a shirt landed on my face. I yelped, ripped it off and looked up to see Emily standing over me, topless and smiling seductively.
"Uh, Emily, what the-"
I never got to finish my sentence.
"Yeah, it was your idea, remember, to strip off all of our clothes," I admonished her playfully. Her eyes danced with mischief. "And you should have told me about the mosquitoes, too."
Apparently, mosquitoes didn't like the taste of beautiful Quileute women, but they loved chowing down on pale white Caucasian males. I'd scratched for days.
"Now this is what I call communing with nature," I said with a sigh of contentment.
We lay in each other's arms and stared up at the blue sky, our bodies tired, but relaxed, from our lovemaking. I wanted to lay naked in the grass with her forever, feel her smooth skin beneath my fingers forever, look into those amazing brown eyes forever.
"Emily, I want to ask you something."
She rolled over and propped herself up on my chest, her hair fanning out all over me and tickling my skin. She silently waited for my question with curiosity in her eyes. It was a serious question I had to ask, but first things first…
"Could you look and see what the hell is crawling around on my leg?"
She laughed, twisted her body around and brushed something off of my knee.
"What was it?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know," she said, snickering. "Now, ask me your question my darling Edward. You have me so curious now."
I'd rehearsed it a million times, and never did I imagine I'd be saying the words while lying naked in the middle of a meadow in Forks, Washington, with grass poking me in the ass, and tiny creatures of unknown origin crawling around on my skin. My life with Emily was anything but predictable.
"I want you to go to New York with me in the fall, as my wife."
I leaned down and kissed her cheek, lingering and breathing in the scent of her hair. She tried to turn her face towards me, but was having difficulty. I gently tugged at her chin until her eyes were even with mine. They were soft with the memories.
"You made me the happiest man on earth when you said you'd marry me," I whispered, delivering a tender kiss to her nose.
Her eyes followed me as I pulled back away from her face. She watched me intently.
"I want you know that I love you just as much now as I did that day when I asked you to marry me. The accident didn't change my feelings for you. You're still my Emily, the beautiful, exotic woman I fell head-over-heels in love with four years ago. Nothing's changed for me. Nothing. I love you so much."
"Uhh…v…"
I smiled at hearing her sound for 'love'. She'd never been able to clearly articulate the complete sentence, 'I love you', not even close. But this was her sound for expressing her love for me, and I lived to hear it. She never failed to say it to me, if she was feeling well enough to communicate that particular day. Some days I counted myself lucky if she managed my name. Days like today were incredibly special.
"You know what I think? I think we should finally tie the knot. I promised to marry you four years ago, and I think it's high time I kept my promise."
Her eyes suddenly pooled with tears, and in seconds they broke loose, dripping down her face like the rain coursing down the window panes.
"Oh no, don't cry," I whispered hastily, brushing the tears from her face with my thumb. "Please don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want to keep my promise to you. I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?"
I busied myself by wiping her tears from her cheeks as I anxiously awaited her answer. I had no idea how she felt about marrying me now. Four years ago, she'd been ecstatic. We'd started making wedding plans as soon as we'd got back from our hiking trip. But now, after the accident, so many of her inner feelings were locked inside of her forever because of her inability to verbalize them.
"Will you marry me?" I asked again.
She made her sound for 'yes'. Her mouth twitched, and the tears erupted anew.
"We'll get you a beautiful new dress, and Rosemary will fix your hair." I wiped her tears away and then fingered the silky brunette strands as I continued. "I doubt Old Quil will be able to make the trip here, but I'll find a preacher to marry us. It'll be legal, I promise."
Her mouth worked, as she laboriously tried to form the beginnings of a sound. I waited patiently as she struggled with the word.
"Buh..d."
It had taken me several months of trial and error, and a lot of frustration on both our parts, to interpret that particular sound. Finally, and with much relief, I'd accidentally stumbled upon her meaning. That sound was her word for 'bed'. She wanted me to lie down beside her.
I pried off my shoes and eased beneath the sheet. Very carefully, so as not to put a kink in her catheter, I turned her on her side, nestling her close, her head lying against my chest and my arm snaked around her shoulder. I guided her hand to my stomach; she always liked to hold onto my shirt, for some reason. I pried open her fingers and then helped her to close them around the fabric. She relaxed against me and we began to talk.
As I did every time I visited her, I filled her in on the details of my life, as much as I was able to without revealing my association with Leather and Lace. I was determined she'd never know how I earned the money that paid for her care.
Later, I read to her until it was time for her dinner. Then we talked some more, until she finally fell asleep in my arms.
I met up with Rosemary, my favorite of Emily's private nurses, as I was leaving.
"She's asleep. We had a very nice visit today."
Rosemary smiled in acknowledgement and proceeded to fill me in on what I'd missed since Wednesday. Emily had had a very good week since I'd last seen her. No seizures for once or any other problems outside of the usual for a patient who was bedridden.
"I wanted to ask a favor of you."
I explained about my decision to finally marry Emily, and that I hoped we could do it next Sunday. I asked Rosemary if she'd buy Emily a dress in emerald green, her favorite color. I started for my wallet when she stopped me.
"Don't you dare insult me by trying to give me money," she huffed, and then her voice softened. "I'll buy my precious baby a wedding dress, the loveliest one I can find, and some nice flowers for her room, too. But are you sure her mother wouldn't want to be the one to pick out her dress?"
I shook my head. Emily's parents no longer approved of me, even though I paid for her care and the round-the-clock private nurses. They didn't object to that, they objected to where the money came from. Involving my own parents was out of the question, too. They vehemently disapproved of my current lifestyle and had disowned me as their son.
"It's just going to be us two, probably Jake, and you, of course. No family on either side."
Rosemary clucked and shook her head in disapproval. "I don't understand people. There is no better man than you. When I think of what you've done to make sure Emily is cared for…" She shook her head again and raised her chin. "I would be proud to call you my son or my son-in-law. Any other man would have selfishly walked away from a situation like this, but not you."
I grimaced at her compliment. She had no idea how undeserving I was of her praise. It was, after all, my fault that Emily was here.
"Thank you," I said, reluctant to accept her compliment, but knowing it was the expected thing to say. "I'll call you later in the week and we'll discuss the details."
"Don't you worry about a thing. My precious baby girl is going to have a beautiful wedding."
Jake was at his usual perch at the kitchen table with all his school paraphernalia spread out around him. He looked none too happy.
"How's Emily?" he asked, despite the fact that he looked ready to explode on someone.
"We had a very good visit. She's was exceptionally verbal today."
He nodded. "That's good."
I decided to ignore him. He'd eventually tell me what was bothering him without me having to pester it out of him. I didn't have long to wait. In the time it took for me to change into some sweats and a t-shirt he'd decided to share.
"I talked to Alice this afternoon. You know, to thank her for my gift? She was very upset."
I waited for him to elaborate, but evidently he wasn't going to until I asked. I sighed. "Upset why?"
"Apparently, Bella has been an emotional wreck for the past three weeks: crying for no reason, refusing to talk to anyone, just hibernating in her apartment in full-out depressed mode. Alice finally got it out of her today what was wrong."
He glared at me across the room. Shit. I did not want to deal with this tonight.
"Why didn't you mention that you'd spent a Saturday afternoon with her?" he asked, his accusatory glare doing nothing but pissing me off.
"I wasn't aware that it was any of your business!" I snapped.
He snatched his pencil out from behind his ear and threw it down on the table. He shot up from his seat and slammed his palms down on the table. "Don't give me that it's-none-of-my-business bullshit! Bella spilled her guts and told Alice everything. You guys spent nearly the whole day together: making love, she cooked for you, laughing, talking, getting to know each other even more, then BAM! You just up and leave without any explanation, and she hasn't heard one peep out of you since! You make the girl think that there's something between you and then you just walk out on her?! That's fucked up, Edward, and you know it!"
"I left because of Emily!" I yelled back. "I spend every single Saturday with Emily and always have. You know that! Then, one Saturday, I decide I have a right to be selfish, that my wants and my needs were more important than hers, and look what happened! She was upset I wasn't there, and she started seizing! That's why I left Bella's like I did!"
Fuming, I turned my back on him and stared sightlessly at the wall, forcing myself to calm down. "I didn't intend for it to happen, all right? How the hell was I supposed to know I'd run into her at a car dealership, the same one I use. But, don't worry. It's never going to happen again." I turned around to face him. "I'm marrying Emily next Sunday and you're invited."
I'd expected him to explode all over again at my announcement, but it had quite the opposite effect. A look of profound sadness overtook his face, like I'd just told him I was dying of cancer.
"Edward." He shook his head and sighed. "Why would you do that?"
I couldn't believe he could be so dense. "Because I love her? Because she's my fiancé, and I made a promise to her four years ago that I've never kept?"
"She can't be a wife to you," he said softly. "She can't provide a home for you, or emotionally support you when you need it. She can't have your children. She can't even love you the way a man needs it. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm just laying it out like it is. You have to let go of the life you had planned with her. It's not going to happen. Bella can give you the life you want. You need to walk away from this, and give her a chance to make you happy."
I felt the heat of my temper searing up my neck and into my face. It took a few moments for me to calm myself enough to respond. Screaming at him wouldn't accomplish anything. "Think about what you're saying," I said, and even though my temper had cooled, my voice still trembled. "Really think about it. You're asking me to walk away from her, to just turn my back on her and go merrily on my way and be with Bella." I shook my head, astonished that he could even suggest such a thing, that he would even think I could do something so heartless. "If she were in a coma or had zero brain activity, maybe I could do it, maybe. But she knows me. She talks to me. She told me today that she loves me, Jake. And you're telling me I should just walk away? What would that do to her? What would it do to me? Do you actually think I could, in good conscience, be with someone else knowing that the woman I love is lying in a bed somewhere incapacitated and wondering what the hell happened to me, and why I never come to visit her anymore?!"
Jake grimaced and looked away. He knew he was wrong on this one. He'd visited Emily many times over the past two years and had talked with her himself. She adored him and he always managed to make her smile with his silliness.
He cursed softly and then sighed. "You're right," he admitted. "Okay, then why don't you just sit down with Bella and tell her the truth. Tell her about the accident and let her be part of the decision."
The ironic laughter burst out of me before I could stop it. "Don't you think I've considered telling Bella everything? I have, but it won't work. Oh, I can see Bella being very understanding and sympathetic, because she's that kind of a person. What I can't see is her sharing me with Emily. I'm going to spend every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday with her, no matter what. Do you honestly think Bella would be fine with that? What woman in her right mind is going to be in a relationship with a man who is in love with someone else? And you know she'd eventually want me to quit Leather and Lace, which I will never do because of Emily. I am not going to allow her care to fall into the hands of the state. She'll end up in some awful nursing home somewhere, and I will not let that happen!"
There was no need for Jake to respond. I could see how he felt from the expression on his face. Not even considering the fact that Bella would probably be understanding of my situation with Emily, Jake knew I spoke the truth when it came to Leather and Lace, or else he would have never have suggested he drop down a pay grade himself. No woman wanted a prostitute for a boyfriend or a husband, and a prostitute was what I was, and what I intended to stay for as long as Emily needed me.
"You're looking for a simple solution to something that just doesn't have one," I said sadly. "I do love Bella, but I love Emily too, and my first commitment was to her. That's not going to change for anyone."
Jake expelled a deep, frustrated sigh and dropped back into his seat. "You need to do something about Bella, then. According to Alice, she's an emotional mess. You've got to fix it somehow."
Jake was right. I should have never allowed myself to feel anything for Bella. It was my fault she was hurting. Everything was my fault.
"Give me her phone number."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have no personal experience with traumatic brain injury, just what I read in my research, and talking with an RN friend of mine who specialized in this kind of care for children. Any medical mistakes are solely my responsibility.