A/N: Hi dutiful (and beautiful) readers! First and foremost, THANK YOU for leaving over 100 reviews for this fic. I am beside myself with joy right now. I want you to know that I read each and every one of them, even if I can't always respond.
Super long Author's Note at the end!
I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things I can't change now
He'd finally decided he was going to come for her. Elena knew who it was and she didn't need to open the door to confirm it. All the giddiness of the wine from earlier left her system almost immediately. It's funny how a rush of adrenaline can just wipe away two bottles of Pinot in an instant.
She gingerly made her way to the front door to double check that it was locked and slowly latched the deadbolt into place, hoping that he couldn't hear it secure.
There was no such luck.
"Elena, I can hear you. Open up. I just want to talk." Kai's voice was calm, eerily calm, but she'd been through this enough times to know what was boiling beneath the surface of that calmness.
"You can't be here. You're not supposed to be within 100 feet of me," she shakily answered from behind the safety of the front door.
"I'm not here to hurt you."
"I'm not opening the door." She stood her ground. Two things could happen if she opened that door and neither were good. He could manipulate her, smooth things over, and convince her to drop the charges. It would put her right back where she started and she'd fought tooth and nail just to make the little bit of progress she'd already made. Or he could become angry that she wasn't going to take him back and drop the charges, in which case he'd probably lash out at her and after the last time he'd laid hands on her, she didn't want to take the risk of getting hurt again.
All too quickly, she knew that Kai was leaning into the second option.
"If you do not open this door," he pounded onto the wood with his fist, his voice containing a tinge of rage. Then he paused and she could hear him take a deep breath to calm down. "I've had a lot of time to think. I don't know if you remember, but I was sitting in jail for a couple of days and I had time to think about us. Let's just talk." His tone had returned to normal again.
"Please don't make me call the police," she pleaded with him, pressing her forehead against the door. She was hoping he would just leave on his own. Things were already bad enough for him. He didn't need this charge on top of everything else.
"If you won't let me in, I'll just talk to you through the front door then."
Elena sighed as she sat down on the floor. She wanted to show him a little mercy, even after everything that had happened. "Talk."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you. You know I'd never intentionally hurt you." He sounded incredibly sincere and remorseful. "Seeing you get so upset over him, I saw red. I was so angry that you were choosing him over me and I lost it."
"He doesn't see me in that way, Kai," she justified to him.
"But you feel for him. You forget that I know you. Elena, I know you very well and I know when you're falling for someone because the way that you looked at him at that bar, well that was the way you used to look at me."
Right now, he sounded a lot like the guy she fell for three years ago. It was the guy she knew was still buried down beneath all of that bullshit and she regretted that things had to go so awry for that guy to emerge again. A couple of weeks ago, she would have thrown open that door and took him into her arms, savoring the moment with person she used to love before he disappeared again underneath the abusive exterior she'd come to more recently know.
She couldn't do that now though because she knew that person didn't really exist anymore. Even if she got glimpses of him, she'd never truly have him back and she couldn't spend her life waiting for five minutes of happiness here or 30 seconds less of manipulation there. It just wasn't healthy and she was saving herself finally. She knew what she needed to do.
"Thank you for your apology," she said to him, pressing her hand against the closed door.
"Can I come inside now?" he asked, a glimmer of hope in his voice.
"I don't think that's a good idea. Thank you for your apology, but I can't let you inside and I can't drop the charges." Elena could feel the tears pooling up on the corners of her eyes. This would have been so much easier if he was just behaving like the asshole she was expecting would be knocking at her door. Instead, his demeanor was a painful reminder of what they used to have.
"I think if you could just look at me, we could work this out."
"That's what I'm afraid of," she responded.
"I just need to talk to someone and you're the only person that I feel like can understand me right now. Please open the door, Elena. Please," he begged.
Elena buried her face into the palms of her hands, freely letting the painful tears fall. "I can't. I can't. Please stop asking. If you ever loved me, you'll stop asking me to let you inside."
"I'm terrified of being trapped inside of my own head. The things I think, the things that I do. I'm scared of myself."
"I think you need someone to talk to and I really wish I could be that person for you right now. I really, really do," she sniffled. "I just can't. I'm so sorry, Kai." Elena began to stand up as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm going to go upstairs now. Please go home. You can't stay out there."
She turned and began to take long steps up the staircase, never chancing a glance back to the front door. She didn't hear him yell. She didn't hear him scream. She just heard the deafening silence of what it felt like to be alone.
By the time Caroline and Bonnie came home on Sunday night, Elena had done enough sulking to last her a lifetime. She was sulking because things with Kai were finally over and done with. She was sulking because she'd essentially told Damon he was unfixable and she was afraid that she was right. She was sulking because for the first time in three years, she didn't have anyone she could count on to hold her at night when she was lonely.
"Get up, take a shower, and get dressed because we're going out for drinks and dancing," Caroline said as she burst into Elena's room. She flipped the light switch on. Elena had been sitting alone in the dark for hours.
"We have class tomorrow," Elena groaned, throwing the covers of her bed over her face.
Caroline snatched the blanket off of Elena and looked down at her. "Your early class is cancelled. Word travels fast so get up. You've done enough sulking over Damon and you need a night out with your friends."
"Can't we just stay in and binge on ice cream instead?" she beseeched. Elena didn't feel like getting dressed up to go to a club full of sweaty, drunk people. After all, wasn't clubbing what introduced Damon into her life in the first place? It was bad enough that she had to deal with the worst break-up of all time with Kai, but adding falling for Damon on top of everything made it all worse.
"No way. You need to see the outside of this house." Caroline tried her best to pull Elena out of bed.
"Finals are coming up soon. I need to finish research papers and study tomorrow morning. I can't be hungover," she protested.
"Bonnie!" Caroline beckoned. "Please tell Elena that she has to come out with us for at least two drinks."
Bonnie peered around the corner of Elena's doorway. "Two drinks, Elena. C'mon. You need this. You deserve this."
"Fine, two drinks and then I'm going home," she relented, climbing out of bed and trudging to the shower. The cleansing water washed over here and Elena realized it had been a couple days since she'd even bothered to shower. Yeah, she was that bad off.
Luckily, her best friends knew this was what she needed. Throughout their friendship, Bonnie and Caroline had become great at knowing what she needed to feel better. Sometimes it was Netflix marathons and junk food, sometimes it was sulking in her bed with the lights off, and sometimes she just needed to feel thrilled and beautiful and alive. Tonight was the latter.
As she waited for her hair to dry, she tried on dress after dress. None of them made her feel even remotely better about the state of her life right. She wrapped herself in a robe and made her way across the hall to Caroline's room. "I'm borrowing something slutty to wear," she said. "If you're making me do this, I might as well look damn good."
Elena plucked a tight red dress with a cutout back out of Caroline's closet and tried it on. The fabric stretched across her body in all of the right ways and it made her feel sexy. She turned from the full length mirror to get Caroline's approval.
Caroline was already smiling proudly. "Yep," she nodded. "I'll do your hair."
The three of them danced around the house, blasting 90s pop songs, and crowding in front of mirrors to do their makeup. It was the first time they'd had a girl's night out in weeks and truthfully, it was long overdue.
"Okay," Caroline stood in the opening of their front door with her hand planted on her hip. She looked at Bonnie and Elena, as she pointed at them. "Tonight is about us. That means no texting our boyfriends," she looked over to Bonnie. "And no moping about our ex-boyfriends or ex-flings or ex-substitute professors or ex-whatevers," she looked at Elena. Then she plastered a mega-watt smile on her face, her peach lipstick making it stand out even more. "Got it?"
"Just let send this one last picture to Jeremy," Bonnie said, snatching her phone from her clutch and typing out a quick text message. "He wanted to see me in this dress."
"I so do not want to know what he plans to do with that picture," Elena laughed and it was the first time she'd laughed in a really, really, long time. She needed this.
Caroline called a cab to come pick them up. Normally someone would volunteer to be the designated driver, but they all three agreed that it would be a much better time out if they were all equally inebriated. Once the cab stopped in front of the busy nightclub, they all climbed out and went to stand in line. Only in New York City would there be a line out the door for a club on a Sunday night.
"This is crazy. Have you seen us?" Caroline rolled her eyes, gesturing to Elena and Bonnie. "We are not waiting."
"It's fine, Care. The line is actually moving pretty quickly," Bonnie reassured her.
"Wait here. I'll be right back for you guys," Caroline said as she stepped out from behind the ropes. She walked up to the large tattooed guy at the front door and started talking to him. Elena couldn't hear the conversation, but she was pretty sure she got the gist of it just based off of body language.
Her beautiful, blonde, best friend was trying to flirt her way into the nightclub and the bouncer was totally falling for it. A couple seconds later, Caroline motioned to Bonnie and Elena with her hand, urging them to meet her up front at the door.
"She's going to get us kicked out," Bonnie murmured to Elena as they step outside of the line and walked to the front.
"I think we've got this," Elena smiled back. Caroline was kind of a pro at these kinds of things.
"Bobby, these are my friends Elena and Bonnie," Caroline introduced them to the man. "You don't suppose we could all get in there together?" She pouted her lips at him.
Her lips weren't what his eyes were looking at though. They were obviously directed at her chest and he reached into his pocket for a bronze colored coin. "Give this to them when you get to the ropes inside and they'll set you up with a spot."
"Oh, thank you!" Caroline clapped her hands, jumping up and down. "You've made our night. We won't forget this. I know I certainly won't." She winked at him, took the coin from him, and made her way inside. Elena and Bonnie were trailing behind her, Bonnie with a shocked look on her face, and Elena with a satisfied grin.
Once they were inside, Caroline turned around and smiled at the two of them. "Say hello to our ticket to the VIP area!" she exclaimed, holding up the coin.
They'd been to this club a couple of times before, but never even been close to the VIP area before. It was usually only filled with the spoiled adult children of rich CEOs or young celebrities.
"No one is allowed to tell Enzo about the bouncer thing. He hates when I use my looks for personal gain," Caroline laughed. "He hates it particularly when I use it on him, but he probably wouldn't like it if he knew I used it on other people too."
"You are incorrigible," Bonnie bantered, shaking her head as they started to make their way upstairs.
"Well incorrigible or not, she got us in VIP! That means we're very important tonight!" Elena smirked.
"We are very important every night!" Bonnie replied.
Once they came to the roped off area with comfortable couches and tables, another bouncer stopped them. "Sorry ladies, this area is reserved. There's other places to sit downstairs though."
Caroline held up the coin she'd been given. "I was told to give you this."
"Then that area over there is for you three," the bouncer took the coin and pointed to a large white couch that wrapped around a table. There was a chilled bottle of champagne sitting in an ice bucket in the center. "The champagne is on the house, if you need to order more drinks just flag down Jessica and she'll bring them to you."
Once they were seated on the couch around the table with three glasses of bubbly champagne poured, an awestruck Elena turned to Caroline. "What exactly did you offer to do for this guy in order for us to get in here?"
"I told him that he had nice tattoos," Caroline shrugged, taking a sip from her glass.
"And that compliment got us in here?" Bonnie asked.
"I may have also told him that Elena was having the worst month of her life and proceeded to overshare the details. He felt bad for you."
"You used my disastrous love life to your advantage?" Elena yelled at Caroline.
Caroline smiled a devilish smile. "It got us in here, didn't it?"
Elena nodded her head. "I suppose it did." She chugged the rest of her champagne. "If we're VIPs tonight, I am having way more than two drinks."
This hangover was the hangover that all other hangovers had nightmares about. Every time she opened her eyes and let in a little bit of light, Elena's head started throbbing. Worse than that, she couldn't remember how they'd gotten home last night. Luckily, she woke up in her bed so they had actually gotten home safely. She had a momentary panic attack as she rolled over and saw a sleeping figure lying next to her. Oh no, not this again. The one random club hookup had been trouble enough, thank you very much.
The figure threw the covers off of their head and Bonnie emerged, eyeliner smudged and hair a mess. "Can you stop shaking the bed?" she quietly grumbled, her voice hoarse.
"Can you stop yelling?" Elena answered back, covering her ears with her hands. Somehow, sound was worse for her head than light.
"Where's Caroline?" Bonnie asked Elena, her own eyes still firmly closed.
Elena shrugged as she massaged her temples. "Don't ask me. I don't remember anything after drink seven."
"I'm right here!" Caroline loudly bellowed, raising her hand but remaining safely tucked underneath a blanket on the floor next to Elena's bed.
"Shhhhh!" Bonnie and Elena both shushed to her at the same time.
A knock came from Elena's bedroom door and the three girls all threw their pillows over their heads.
"Too loud," Elena complained.
"Too early," Caroline whined.
"You lot are so pitiful. No one wanted to eat anything or drink water last night. You all insisted that you had to sleep in the same room because of some stupid girl's night code. It was all I could do to pry you out of that club while you were still conscious," Enzo's voice lectured as he pushed Elena's bedroom door open.
"How are you the responsible one here?" Bonnie took her pillow off of her head and tried to open her eyes to look at him.
Enzo gestured to Elena. "Because after this one here decided to drunk dial Damon at three in the bloody morning, he called and woke me up and asked me to come get you. Let me tell you that bouncer out front was very sad to learn you," he pointed to Caroline "had a boyfriend."
Caroline sat up and pouted her bottom lip. "Aw, Enzo. Don't be mad."
"I'm not mad. I'm just saying it isn't polite to use your beautiful face against people," he lectured. "Now get up and get some showers and do whatever it is you do on Mondays. I have to get to work and run a company since the CEO ran off to Canada for an indeterminate amount of time." He walked over and pecked a kiss on Caroline's forehead.
"He didn't say when he'd be back?" Elena asked Enzo as he was heading out the door.
Enzo shook his head. "He just said he needed to get out of New York for a while and that he'd be back once he'd cleared his head. He's got a cabin up there that he runs off to every now and then."
"Oh," was all Elena could muster out.
It was difficult to move much after that. Elena laid still in her bed as Bonnie and Caroline pried themselves up and got ready for their days. Once she was left alone and knowing she should be heading to the library to study before classes started, she trudged her way downstairs to the kitchen so that she could chug as much water as her body would possibly let her. It was the only thing that ever helped her hangovers.
As she sat at the kitchen table and sipped on her glass of water, she willed her head to stop pounding long enough for her to remember any what happened late last night. The last memory she had was taking shots with Bonnie and Caroline in the VIP area. After that, it was a blank screen until she'd woken up this morning. She didn't remember calling Damon, she didn't remember Enzo coming to get them, and she didn't remember getting home.
"I need to lay off the tequila for a little while," she mumbled to herself before propping her elbows up on the table and holding her aching head in her hands.
She thought about calling Damon to apologize for calling him last night, but she didn't even know what she'd said to him so it wasn't like it would be a sincere apology anyway. Besides, she'd already said her peace and wished him goodbye. She wasn't even supposed to call him last night, but drunk Elena didn't know that.
Instead, Elena resigned to finally taking a shower and washing off last night's grime. Not bothering to make herself look decent, she threw on an NYU hoodie and gray sweatpants then headed to campus.
Safely tucked away into a familiar study room in the library, she cracked open her finance book and started the reading that Professor Saltzman had assigned them. Finance always came easy to her. It was logical. It had rules. It made sense. She could easily get lost in the regulation of it all. It was easily controllable, easily calculated. Rather than having to take any kind of leaps on faith when it came to finance, you could just do a cost-benefit analysis.
Love was nothing like that. Being with Damon was nothing like that.
The fact of the matter was that she'd leapt and he wasn't there to catch her.
A/N: Well, Kai finally showed up (for those of you that were waiting for that other shoe to drop). I hope I surprised you with how their interaction went. It surprised Elena too. I'm trying to reiterate what Damon himself keeps reminding Elena. She can't base her life decisions off of whether she thinks people are good or bad (because everyone has a little of both - yes even Kai), but she has to think about what is good or bad FOR HER. It would be so easy to dehumanize Kai's character, but from my experience in bad relationships that is not always the case. Many times the abuser is damaged and scared and confused and they need to get help too, but that does not mean that it is a victim's responsibility to help them.
A couple people were sad that we didn't get a DE dance last chapter and I'm totally with you on that. If only they would just get it together already! I promise you there's a heck of a dance coming before the story ends and it will be worth the wait. (I'm swooning just thinking about it.)