Let Me Get Over You

I stared at the ceiling trying to find patterns in the darkness. I can't sleep at night anymore; I keep getting the same nightmare that I first got in the hospital. The nightmare where I'm on the ground, my hands are closed around my neck. Then when I remove my hands and stare at them all I see is blood.

Never ending amounts of blood.

It's everywhere. On my hands, on my dress, all over my face, on the ground in front of me. Then as the blood starts to overtake everything my attacker appears from inside of the redness. I try to run away, but I can't move anymore. So I look away, hoping that if I don't look he'll disappear. Then he grabs my face to make me look at him every time I try to look away. His face is bleeding, as he tells me over and over, "This is what you deserve."

I was released from the hospital about a week ago. Initially I was supposed to be there until my stitches were removed due to the panic attacks. I couldn't be trusted on my own until I couldn't cause anymore damage. But then when they made me switch rooms… Well… I just couldn't stay there anymore.

So now I spend all my time in my room at the Nara's. As I thought, Shikamaru wasn't going to try to stop my dad from breaking us up. He listened to his mom as she told him if he ever saw me, he had to turn around and walk away. I haven't seen him since that day, and it's absolutely killing me.

The hole that's been collecting in my chest ever since the accident just seems to get bigger and bigger every time I think about Shikamaru. It's like I can feel someone, something digging away at my insides.

I know that I should give up on him. Our parents won't let us see each other, and like he said before: he's a ninja. Issues like this are always going to come up. Someone's going to get hurt, someone is going to feel bad, and there will always be repercussions.

But I just can't do it. My mind tells me that I should give up on him, and that there is no way that we'll ever be together, let alone stay at friends. It's just… my heart doesn't want to give up hope. I keep thinking that maybe the next time he passes by my door he'll stop and come in. That he'll ignore what his mother told him, and he'll disregard my father's threats.

The worst part of this all is that I was falling apart even when I had Shikamaru's support. And now, it feels like I'm some sort of dying lamb that's been thrown into a pack of lions. There's absolutely no hope to recover.

I sighed and rolled to my side, and closed my eyes. I was so tired; all I wanted to do was sleep. But every time I got a glimpse of sleep the nightmare showed up.

I hate this. I hate everything so much. How did one moment end up completely changing everything?

The next morning, after everyone had already left the house, I got out of bed and yawned. I left my room and walked the five steps down to Shikamaru's room. I looked at the door, just like how I had done when I woke up for the first time since the accident.

I shook my head and opened the door, entering the empty room. I yawned again as I sat on Shikamaru's bed, looking around at his things. A shogi board on the floor with pieces lying on the floor beside it, the bookshelf that spanned most of the wall in front of his bed; all these things just screamed Shikamaru.

I know it's not a good idea to be sleeping in the room of the person that you want to get over and let go. But when it's the only way you can sleep, what other choice do you have? I know that this is basically like digging my own grave, but I can't help it.

I lie down in his bed and pull the covers over me. He didn't make his bed again, how lazy. I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath. This is the only way I can sleep without the fear of nightmares coming to me. Shikamaru's scent all around me as I lay in his bed; it calms me down so much.

Then not even a minute after I lied down, sleep overcame me.

The next day when everyone else left in the morning I got out of my bed and got ready to head to Shikamaru's room. But as I was about to exit my room there was a knock on the door. I sighed and grabbed some bandages that were on my desk, wrapping them around my neck as I made my way to the door. I learned to get used to the 'exposedness' of my neck, which seemed to be the only progress I was making.

When I opened the front door, I was slightly taken aback by who was there. Both Ino and Sakura stood at the door; the fact that they were both here to see me was a little… weird. "Morning." I told them casually.

"Yuri, we're here to steal you for the day." Ino told me as she and Sakura pushed their way into the house.

"Now go get dressed." Sakura then began to push me towards the stairs.

I sighed; this is their attempt to not feel so bad about what happened to me. I mean like, why else would Ino and Sakura be together like this? They didn't typically spend time together anymore… I guess if I go along with their plan maybe I can convince them that I'm okay and they will leave me alone after that.

Turns out that they wanted to take me shopping for clothes and things to go around my neck. I guess they thought that the reason I didn't go out all week was because I was embarrassed about my neck. The actual reason being I just didn't want to go out. All I wanted to do was crawl into Shikamaru's bed and be as close to him as I can right now.

Urgh… Hole in chest getting deeper.

After about three hours of shopping and five shopping bags later we decided to go eat. It was only around noon but I was having trouble staying awake. Once we found a restaurant, we ate outside with Ino and Sakura on the opposite side of the table.

"So how are you doing Yuri?" Sakura asked me as we waited for our food.

Well, I'm tired as hell because of the nightmares I get every night. My boyfriend and I broke up last week because my neck was slashed and my father holds him personally responsible. So even though we live in the same house I can't see him, and have to be constantly reminded of this when I leave my room since his room is 5 steps away from mine.

"I'm doing ok." I lied as the hole got even deeper.

Ino and Sakura looked at each other for a second before Ino spoke up, "I still have your birthday present sitting at the shop. We should pick it up before we all go home."

Then the food came and I was grateful for the interruption in conversation. As I was eating I was concentrating so much on staying awake that Sakura's and Ino chatter just flew past my head. I pushed around my rice on my plate, mixing it in with everything else.

Why couldn't they have just let me sleep?

"… So I told the woman that … and then she …" Ino was telling some sort of story; I only paid attention to some parts.

"No way!" Sakura shrieked. I jumped at slightly at that. It made me realize that before I had jumped I was already dozing off.

I tried to keep my eyes open, but they were just so heavy… I moved my plate over and lowered my head onto the table.

Then the nightmare came. This time I was standing, holding onto the throwing knife. Then my attacker came from behind and held the blade to my neck, slicing it in one quick swipe. Blood immediately started to pour everywhere; it was like a waterfall at the rate it was going. Then slowly red started to consume everything…

I screamed and immediately stood up holding onto my neck. "Yuri! Calm down!" Ino and Sakura had come over to my side of the table, holding onto my arms, trying to get my hands off my neck.

My eyes were shut tight and I didn't want to let go. I was sure that everyone around us was looking at me as I was having yet another panic attack. "Yuri!" They shouted again as I slowly released my grip, the nightmare getting less vivid in my memory.

I opened my eyes and saw the girls' worried faces; they didn't seem at all embarrassed at my little outburst. I sighed and wiped my face, "Can I go home now?" I whispered to them, my voice was sore from the scream.

They nodded and picked up their stuff, leaving their food half eaten. So much for stealing me for the day.

I sighed as I entered my room and placed the shopping bags on the floor beside my desk. I still had a few hours until anyone was supposed to come home. I can get some sleep in the meantime.

Before leaving my room I removed the bandages that were around my neck and cleaned the blood that had come out from when I squeezed it too hard. My neck was bruised purple, green and yellow, with some of the bruises in the shape of my fingers.

I entered Shikamaru's room and I became aware of the whole in my chest again. I grabbed the alarm clock beside his wallet and set it to ring in three hours. Three hours of sleep isn't much, but its three hours of peace.

I got into Shikamaru's bed and I took in a deep breath, letting his wonderful smell overtake my senses. Soon I will be able to have a dreamless sleep free of nightmares. As I slowly began to lose consciousness, I slowly took in another deep breath. The hole in my chest ached when I did, but the reward I got from it seemed to outweigh the pain. I can never ever get enough of his scent.

I know this is bad. It's a spiraling cycle that will only result in me becoming broken beyond repair. This isn't healthy. I should be trying to get away from Shikamaru, not clinging to something that I can never have. Why couldn't my Dad wait a few weeks before breaking Shikamaru and I up? He had to have known how much Shikamaru means to me, and that doing this to me would do me absolutely no good.

I turned around in Shikamaru's bed to face the wall, but as I did I noticed some extra weight at the bottom of the bed. My heart started pounding and my breathing stopped. Someone had come home early and was now sitting at the bottom of the bed. I took in an unsteady breath as I sat up and turned to face whoever it was.

The second I saw who was there my breathing went from unsteady to rapid. Very rapid. Sitting at the bottom of the bed was the one person that I had been banned from seeing. The hole in my chest started to grow larger and larger. If sleeping in his room was putting back my recovery by some specific measure of time, seeing him has put back my recovery at least a 1000 times more than that.

Before he could say anything, I got myself out of his bed and quickly mumbled, "Sorry." And then ran to my room.

"Wait." I heard Shikamaru as he followed after me.

I was panicking. Hell, panicking doesn't even describe it half of it. What was I supposed to do? All I wanted was to just sleep; now I don't even think sleep is possible. When I got into my room I immediately looked for a place to hide. The first empty space I saw was under my bed, so I hurriedly crawled under it. I got as close to the wall my bed was on, and as far as possible from reach on the side I crawled in.

All week I've wanted him to come into my room so badly, and now that he was in here all I wanted was for him to go away. My face burned from embarrassment. I was just caught sleeping in his bed!

Then it was silent… Maybe Shikamaru decided to leave? But then I heard some shuffling and I felt his eyes on my back, "Yuri, could you please come out from under there?" My heart skipped a beat when I heard him say my name.

Now the hole in my chest was aching more and more. Why did he have to follow me? I waited for my heart to slow down a bit before responding, "No, I can't." My throat was still sort of sore from screaming at the restaurant earlier.

Please, let him leave me alone. If he doesn't intend on being with me he should turn back now while he has the chance. Otherwise I might as well just give up let the pain and sorrow take over completely.

I shut my eyes tightly as I felt his hand grab my arm. He pulled me out from underneath my bed out into the open. As soon as he let go of me, I immediately tried to go back under the bed. It was more of a reflex than anything. I just needed to get away; away before I let myself has some real hope again.

The hope I had now was empty. It was empty because even though I hoped he would come, I knew he wouldn't. Now that he was actually here I can't let myself feel real hope and have him go away again. I just can't.

Shikamaru reached under the bed and grabbed my arm again; pulling me out effortlessly. This time though, he placed the arm that grabbed me between the bed and I, and his other arm beside my head. He was on top of me, trapping me in my place. I tried to go back under the bed, but after about a minute I realized that wasn't going to let me go.

I made sure to avoid his gaze at all costs. I looked to the empty spot under the bed where I wanted to go so badly. If I look at him, then that hope would start, and the hole would just get bigger and bigger.

"Are you having nightmares?" Shikamaru asked me.

How could he figure that out so quickly? Does he really know me that well? That I'm sleeping in his bed to avoid having nightmares?

I nodded and shut my eyes. I'm having a conversation with him. This isn't good. This isn't good at all.

Tears came out of my eyes as I felt the edges of the hole burning. My stomach was fluttering and my face was beginning to flush. Even though I'm in tremendous pain, my nervousness still found a way to take over.

I felt his hand lightly stroke my face, wiping away the tears that just fell. My stomach fluttered even more at his touch. His hand then lowered to touch my jaw and I just… reacted. I lifted my hands and for the second time today I enclosed them around my neck. I winced a little when I squeezed so tightly.

I didn't expect what he did next though. He placed his hand over mine and slowly tried to get me to let go. Every time I clasped my hands around my neck like this, everyone has either backed away or stayed where they were. No one dared to get closer to me in this state, but now… he's…

Then I did something bad; I opened my eyes. He was looking at me with such sincerity. He didn't look at me with pity like the nurses in the hospital did. He didn't give me that worried look like Ino and Sakura had earlier today. He was looking at me like he wanted to console me.

My hands started to relax and I let go of my neck; the hole in my chest becoming a little smaller. I'm beginning to hope. I can't hope. Why am I hoping? If he wasn't going to stay he would have left by now right? Then that means that he's decided to ignore what his mom and my father said.

Ha. The thought of that sounds completely ridiculous. Why he would go against anything his mother said in the first place is ridiculous. Forget about what my father said.

He took one of my hands into his and placed it back at the side of my head. The hole in my chest began to become less noticeable as the butterflies in my stomach took over. Shikamaru and I haven't been this close since we did that.

Shikamaru looked at my eyes for a second, as if gauging my reaction. "Yuri… I…" He started to lean down closer to me, my stomach fluttered like crazy and my eyes widened.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't let him do this. I can't let him do that. If he does then I have no chance. I won't be able to stay away from him anymore. Even if he begs me to stay away, the only way he could get rid of me is if he killed me.

I loosened my hand out from under his and pulled myself out from under him. I kept moving back, trying to get as far away from him as I could. I couldn't let him do that. "Shikamaru… please, don't." I begged him, looking away from him again.

I know I'll give in the second I look into his eyes.

Shikamaru followed me as I backed up into the wall, and placed his hands on either side of me, trapping me in again. Now I had no way to escape.

Why is he doing this? Can't he see that I'm so broken? Right now he's so close to me that all I have to do is reach out and I would be hugging him…

"Why?" The Nara whispered, his face getting a little closer to mine as he grabbed my chin with his hand.

I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. I began to cry again as he moved my face so that I would be looking at him. When I saw his face, his eyes, I felt myself wanting to sob. I'm hoping now, I'm really hoping.

He could have left me all alone when he saw me sleeping in his bed. He could have left when I ran to my room. He could have left when he saw I was hiding under the bed. And he could have left when I pulled myself out from under him.

But he didn't. He's here, with me, so horribly close. He's defying his mother and my father by being here with me as I break down into so many pieces.

My breathing started to become shaky, "Because…" I felt a rush of blood to my face now, "If you do then it'll be impossible to get over you."

All week all I wanted to do was get over him. I tried to tell myself I could sleep just fine and that I didn't need to go to his room. That I should throw out everything that reminds me of him, and get rid of the stupid necklace that he gave me on my birthday.

That stupid necklace that was the most beautiful and wonderful present I've ever received.

Shikamaru's breath stopped for a moment after I said that. "Do you want to get over me?" The hand that he still had on my chin seemed to tremble a little, but then again I might be the one who's shaking.

I shook my head and told him the truth, "No… That's the last thing in the world that I want."

More tears came out as the sobs threatened to push forward at any second. I tried to get over him, I really did. But Shikamaru's just too deep in my heart to let him go.

He paused for a second; he seemed surprised by my answer. Then out of nowhere there was this sudden tension between us and I knew that was coming. My heart was pounding like crazy as Shikamaru kept still, his face a few inches from mine.

"Good." He whispered as he got even closer to me.

I tried to pull back but he wouldn't let me. And then… we kissed.

The hole in my chest seemed to be overwhelmed by the butterflies that took over my entire body. I can't really even describe the rush of emotions that came when we were kissing. I felt so… happy. Even if he decided to go away after, being together like this now was definitely worth it.

I moved my arms to be around his neck and pulled him closer. If he was going to go away then I wanted to get as much of him as I could right now; while the hole in my chest was losing the battle.

Shikamaru placed his arms around my waist and pulled me even closer. I tried to take in deep breaths, but they ended up being quick and shallow. All I could concentrate on was his touch, his smell, his… lips.

Eventually Shikamaru pulled away and I felt the hole in my chest trying to push its way through the butterflies and take over again. I sighed, I knew this was coming. I wiped the tears off my face and took in a painful breath. Shikamaru would probably go away now.

"It's not fair." The hole in my chest was returning, "You affect me so much, and yet I don't affect you at all." I whispered trying to concentrate on anything besides the hole getting deeper.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and then grabbed my hand and held it up to his heart.

I immediately went into a state of shock. I could feel each individual heart beat; it was like his heart was trying to come out of his chest. His heart was beating just like mine.

I did have an effect on him. But then this means that he does care, and that being away from me affected him. Maybe not as much as it affected me, after all, we were separated right after I almost died. But it did bother him we weren't allowed to be together.

Then all of a sudden the hole was just eradicated and was replaced by… love. I love him. I love Nara Shikamaru.

I started to laugh at the thought, "Your heart is beating as hard as mine." I commented.

I love him. I really love him. I couldn't help myself and I kissed him again, moving my arms around my neck so I can pull myself closer to him again. I had to enjoy this moment; the moment where I realized the reason why the hole hurt so much. It was because I loved him, and when we were separated it was like I was stabbed in the heart instead of having my neck slashed.

I love him. Ha ha. Who would have thought?

The sobs that had been trying to push forward before we kissed eventually won. Shikamaru was a little thrown off since in the middle of a kiss I just sort of… started sobbing. As he consoled me, I held onto him so tightly I felt him wince a few times.

"Er… Why are you crying?" Shikamaru asked me awkwardly.

I buried my head into his chest, I didn't want to look at him as I responded, "Because… I know as soon as I let go you're going to leave me again."

I was fine with him being here now. The hole seemed to be completely gone after I realized that I loved him. But I knew that as soon as he left me again the hole would come back even worse than before.

Shikamaru sighed and his arms relaxed slightly. "Is that it?"

I blinked and lifted my head, "Yeah… That's it." I responded, completely confused.

He wiped the tears off my face and then held my face in his hands, "Then you have nothing to worry about."

"But my dad—"

"Meh."

"And your mom?"

"Urgh."

"You're going to stay? With me?" My voice cracked as a fresh tear came out and ran down on of his hands.

He nodded as he let of my face and grabbed onto my hands.

He's not going away. The hole isn't ever going to come back. The only thing I need to worry about now is the scar that's going to be left on my neck when it heals. Oh and how Shikamaru and I will see each other since it's sort of forbidden. Which if you think about it, the fact that he's opposing his mother must mean he really wants to be with me.

I couldn't help but grin at that thought.

Then I heard a loud growling sound and we both looked down to his stomach, "Didn't you eat lunch?" I asked him.

He shook his head, "I forgot my wallet."