Lessons in Humility

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N:

Chapter 11 (Strong Feelings)

Trina was seated on her couch with the black cat, Nikita, curled on the seat beside her, she had a glass of water in her hand and was watching something on Netflix. Tori placed the pamphlet in front of her and watched her sister's eyes drift down to it. "What is this?" She asked. Tori smiled a bit and sat next to Nikita.

"It's a state run orphanage for children trying to be placed with permanent families. I thought maybe you and I could volunteer." Trina's expression shifted, her brow furrowing and lips sinking down a bit. Tori felt her heartbeat slow as she anticipated Trina's response and worried she might say no. "Something we could do together."

"No." Trina looked away and shut her eyes. "If you really wanted to volunteer somewhere, I might suggest a soup kitchen or an animal shelter."

"Why not? You don't like kids?"

Trina chuckled softly and shook her head. "I love kids, otherwise I would not be working where I am." She handed the pamphlet back to Tori with a heavy sigh. "Places like this depress me. I have enough on my plate with my job, and our parents."

"You have nothing else to do, you have nothing to live for besides your job…"

Trina seemed to contemplate for a minute before pausing what was on Netflix and getting up from the couch with a grunt. "And since when do you care about this sort of thing?"

"I don't know, I just…" She shrugged, unable to answer. It wasn't something she thought about in the past, so Trina and potentially her friends, would be right to assume she'd be too self-centered to volunteer at a place like this. At this same time, it was that one particular child that was drawing something from within her. "You know that kid in Robbie's class I mentioned?" Trina put her hands to her hips and raised an eyebrow, saying nothing and studying her with expectation. "Well, turns out she's at this center."

"Okay."

"And, I don't know what it is, but there's something about her."

"Well if you feel compelled to volunteer at a center like this, you should." Trina smiled warmly and let her hands drop by her sides. "It's a good cause nonetheless, and I would be in favor of you doing it. I think it'll help you and give you something to do during the day." Her heart skipped a beat and she gave a quick nod.

"I'll think about it. I really wanted to do it with you, I'm not sure about going it alone." She thought for a moment, looking out the apartment window and eventually giving off a final sigh. "Maybe one of the others will?"

"I don't know, they've all got a lot on their plate. Cat's the only one that does any real volunteer work, and even then she doesn't have a lot of time to do much." Trina stroked her chin, resting her elbow on her lower arm. "Andre's busy with his teaching job and music. Beck's busy trying to get that play set up. Jade's a mom and teacher. Robbie might, but he's never shown much of an interest in volunteer work anywhere."

"Think you'd ask them for me?"

"You can ask them yourself." She frowned and started to look away, unwilling to look her sister in the eye. Her stomach flipped at the thought of trying to ask them to do anything with her. Trina moved her hands behind her back and walked towards her with a soft sigh. "You need to not be afraid of them, Tori." She looked up slowly, raising her shoulders. "Do you want to reconnect with them or not?"

"I do, but-"

"Then make the effort. I know they seem like they're still upset with you, but they're not going to do anything unless you talk to them and you seem genuine about it. Me asking would only imply to them that you don't really want them there and I'm just trying to force a connection."

She understood what Trina was saying, but it hurt like hell. She was scared, especially because she didn't want to face the rejection. "Jade still seems pretty pissed off at me. Beck told me a little bit, but not much." She reached down to stroke Nikita, gently scratching the cat behind her ears. Nikita leaned her head forward and closed her eyes.

"Jade is…" Trina rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I shouldn't tell you this, so keep it to yourself. She and Beck got into a huge fight back when you guys first went to college."

"I remember, and Beck told me that part."

"Right. She ended up going to some party with a group of sorority girls and started talking to some dude there. She wanted to get back at Beck and was drinking, so she talked the guy into having some kind of revenge sex." Tori's jaw dropped and she raised her hand to her chest. "Now, if Jade wants to open up to you about that, she will."

"But it was consensual?"

"It was. It was a stupid mistake on her part, but she got pregnant as a result." Trina gestured, pointing at Tori. "Now don't you go asking about it." She nodded feverishly, understanding the gravity and seriousness of it. "If she wants to go into detail and open up about everything, she will. I'm only telling you this for your edification, so you realize why she seems so bitter towards you."

"Because I wasn't there?"

"Yeah. I know you didn't say it like the way she got in her mind when she first went to you about everything, she feels like you essentially told her to fuck off because getting discovered was more important to you." Tori threw her hands to her chest and raised her eyebrows, curling them in the center. "That was when they were first fighting. After the pregnancy, she tried calling you multiple times and you never answered."

"Yeah, I had just gotten discovered so I was always doing something."

"But you could have answered her calls, you could have talked to her, been there as a friend." Trina crossed her arms and let her shoulders fall. "Instead, I was there. I talked her into not giving up her baby, even going so far out of getting her to really think about whether or not she wanted an abortion just because the baby was a product of a one night stand. She tells me every day she's glad she didn't, because having that baby helped her and Beck to become closer."

"Oh."

"But that could have been, should have been you. Not me."

"Who knows, maybe you were just better equipped to handle it than I was? Maybe knew more than I did?" Trina smirked at her, but said nothing. "Beck seemed to imply you knew what she was going through, which seems odd to me." Trina waved it off and started moving for the kitchen.

"I don't know much about that, Tori, but I will admit in college I knew a few girls that had abortions. Some regretted it while others didn't, mixed reactions of course; but for the ones that regretted it, a lot of them said they regretted it because they started to reach a place where they wanted to raise a child and would have loved having that baby."

"Abortion is a difficult topic."

"It is, always has been and always will be." Trina grabbed a coke out of the refrigerator and extended it. "Want a root beer?" Tori smiled politely and shook her head.

"Thanks, but I'm not thirsty."

"All right." Trina closed the door and opened the can with a sigh. "I'd rather not approach the controversial subjects, but I will say I've always agreed with the whole 'let us be in control of our own bodies' thing, even though it just sounds like an excuse." Tori heard a growl come from deep within her sister, it was startling. Trina's face constricted, her eyes sharpened and the skin around her lips appeared to tighten. "If you want to have an abortion, have it, I don't care, just don't go shoving your opinion down my throat. Same is said of those old fogies that give religious people a bad rap and start to criticize someone for having an abortion, or even having a baby out of wedlock. It's not your place to judge, so get the fuck off my case."

"Okay…"

"But even that being said," Trina sipped on the soda and walked past the couch. Tori noticed Trina's arms tightening a bit. "If I had to do one or the other, I would much rather give a baby up for adoption than to get an abortion."

"Why?"

"Why?" Trina softened, her expression growing warmer and mouth turning to a tiny smile. "Because I prefer giving the baby a chance to have a life of some sort, a chance to see the light of day, the shimmering stars at night. I want that child to grow up and touch the dew on the grass in the morning, dip her toes into a crystal clear lake and hear the birds singing…to enjoy the world as I enjoyed it when I grew…to grow older, to have an impact of some sort in the world, to have a chance to do something." Trina looked to the window, a new gleam in her eye. "Maybe she'll be a teacher one day, a doctor, a repair tech…the sky's the limit, but I want her to have a chance to impact the world and impact another life. That's all I would ever want. Abortion scares me."

"It does?"

"It scares me because I would hate to take away that chance. I would hate to be the person that decides that my little girl won't be born and won't grow up to experience all these things and more. I like having the choice, but my choice would never be abortion unless there were extenuating circumstances."

Trina cleared her throat and started for the front door. "That was a lot of…something. I'm going to go check on mom and dad, you coming with?" Tori blinked twice and looked down at the pamphlet, shaking her head gently after a minute.

"No, I, I need to do some thinking."

Trina frowned at her. "Alright, but you do need to reach out to them, they're starting to think you don't want to."

"I know, I know." Trina turned the doorknob and Tori took a quick breath. "Hey Trina, can I ask you something?" The girl paused and looked over with a note of caution. "You said you would prefer adoption over abortion; but why adoption over keeping the child?"

"I never said I would prefer giving up my child over keeping it."

"But if you had a child, why would you give it up?"

"Numerous reasons. Finances not being stable enough, not having the means to raise a baby, raising it without the father, not being in the right mental state…If I have a baby and I know mentally I can't take care of it, I'm not going to be a good mother at the time, then yes I want to put her up for adoption and let her have a set of parents that can take care of her."

"And now? If you had a baby now, would you keep it?"

"Yeah. I mean, there's no guy in the picture, but mentally speaking and financially, yes. I would decide to try and raise her."

"I see."

"Last chance to come with me to see mom and dad."

"Rain check. I don't think I can focus on them right now." Trina sighed and quietly left the room. Tori looked at the pamphlet once more, her heart sinking into her stomach as she thought about Rachel. "That poor girl, stuck in that place. All the things Trina said she would want if she ever had a kid…the kids here don't get to experience that, or at least, that little girl might not have."

Tears filled her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. Her chest expanded slowly and she moved her trembling fingers to the pamphlet. "Maybe I should volunteer, maybe I should connect with little Rachel. I-I don't want to do it alone, but…the others won't want to do it with me."

It was a strange feeling for her, wanting to be a part of this, because it had been so long since she really cared for something so strongly. She knew the others would only laugh at her, claim she wasn't sincere. The only one that seemed to believe her, even remotely, was Trina.

She pulled her knees to her chest and looked at the front door where her sister had just left. "Why does it scare her so much? What's wrong with a place like this in her eyes?"

Standing from the couch, she made her way into the restroom and started to wash her hands and face. Her eyes drifted to the mirror as the water ran down her cheeks and dampened her hair, and once more she found herself lost at what was gazing back at her.

It was a little version of herself in ragged clothes with a dirt covered face and tears in her eyes, she looked lost and confused, all alone in a world with no one she could trust and no one to take care of her. Scared, neglected, alone and so close to giving up.

Her heart broke to see it, to feel she had nothing left to live for and no reason to continue the fight.

"You're only this way because you let yourself be," said a voice in her head. The vision in the mirror seemed to change, to that which she was only a year ago. Bedazzled, dressed in fancy clothes and looking down on her with a superior, snarky expression. "You let yourself be used like a tissue, fucked over from behind and stretched to your limit."

"No," she whispered.

"Now you're worthless, talking to yourself in a mirror. You should be dead, what else is left for you? You're not worthy of the fame we once had, the glory. Nothing but a little attention whore, so needy."

"No."

"Want to feel like you have any kind of value or mean a damn thing to anyone? Thought you were going to feel that as a celebrity? Hah! You were nothing before the fame, nothing with the fame, and now you literally are nothing."

She trembled as tears ran down her cheeks, her chest began to ache and her lungs felt like they'd been set afire. "I'm not nothing. I can't be nothing."

"You deserve nothing." She looked back, seeing a vision of her teenage self in the mirror. She looked innocent, but there was a sharpness in her eyes. "You lied to everybody, treated your sister like she was shit. Made her feel worthless, made her feel like she had nothing. Made her feel like no one loved her, now you're going through the same hell. Justice served." Tori covered her face with her hands, crying as the thoughts in her head seemed to echo. "You let Jason die. You may as well have killed him yourself. You ruined your sister's life, you no good piece of shit. There's pills in the medicine cabinet…perhaps you should take a few."

"No. I won't, I can't." Tori splashed her face with more water and looked back at the mirror, no longer seeing a different view. She knew how she felt, she knew how that little girl felt too. "I'm going to volunteer. I might not mean anything to anyone, but if I can help that little girl in any way-I'm going to try."

Before too long, she got an urgent and startling call from Trina, truly jarring her from her thoughts in the moment. "Mom's in the hospital, get over here now."

So much going on here, what are your thoughts? Trina seemed really passionate about what she was talking about, I guess we know why Tori feels a connection to Rachel as well, she's going through a lot of the same emotions and feelings that the child is. Tori might be right that the others won't be able to volunteer with her, but maybe she's worrying too much about their reasons why and choosing to be the reason why as opposed to understanding what Trina was explaining. What are your thoughts on everything? How do you feel about Tori's emotions, how do you feel about what Trina said and how she gave her rant? Maybe there's something more to it?