A/N: I DID IT! FINALLY! This chapter got completely out of hand! I have no idea how I ended up with this monster, and I apologize in advance for the utmost absurdity of it all! I hope it will be worth the wait! Enjoy your read, lovelies!
Chapter 11
Saturday, December 24th, 2004 – Christmas Eve
Central London, Malfoy residence – 7 p.m.
Standing on the threshold of the walk-in wardrobe and leaning his shoulder against the doorframe, Draco watched Hermione scurry throughout the dressing room from one rack of hangers to the other, leaping on one foot as she slipped her other one into a high heel shoe, skidding to a halt before various drawers to pick pieces of jewelry to complete her outfit and casting panicked glances to the elegant gold watch glittering on her wrist every now and then.
"We still have plenty of time," said Draco reassuringly. "There is no need to rush."
Hermione, who was wearing a fir green satin dress with a boat neckline, see-through lace sleeves and a flare knee long sequined skirt, limped to the mirrored back wall of the room, looking like a fawn learning to walk as she struggled to adjust to the five inch heels of her black velvet shoes. Draco's gaze ranged over her appreciatively while she looked at herself in the mirror, adding a few more bobby pins into the heavy mass of her curls gathered at the back of her head and putting on a pair of emerald earrings. He himself was wearing an anthracite gray shirt with silver cuff links and a matching silver silk tie, a black velvet waistcoat embroidered with silver thread, tailored black trousers and a pair of highly polished black Italian leather shoes.
Taking his hands out of his pockets, Draco walked over to stand behind Hermione and placed his hands on her waist, pulling her against him as he leaned to trail kisses from her bare shoulder to the crook of her neck and up to her earlobe. He caught it briefly between his lips, before whispering in her ear;
"You look stunning…"
He sneaked a glance in the mirror and saw that Hermione's cheeks were suddenly tinged with pink even though she did everything to keep a thoroughly unfazed face.
"Huh, huh…" she hummed, freeing herself from his embrace and striding to a set of drawers to choose a strapless clutch.
Draco followed her and caged her in his arms again.
"I can think of nothing but pressing my lips against yours…" he drawled seductively, his lips hovering over her earlobe again, while his hands ghosted teasingly over her hips.
"I know what you are trying to do," huffed Hermione in an exasperated yet amused voice.
"Really?" asked Draco in falsely innocent wonderment. "You know that I'm trying to redeem myself with ungodly amounts of outrageous yet sincere flattery and highly pleasurable sex?"
Hermione made a sound halfway between a sarcastic snort and a giggle and spun around in his arms to face him.
"If I let you kiss me, will you let me get ready in peace?" she sighed, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Draco nodded, his eyes glittering mischievously. Hermione stood on the tip of her toes as she offered him her lips, but to her surprise, he suddenly dropped to his knees before her.
"What are you doing?" she gasped as he bunched up her skirt, his thumbs caressing the bare skin of her thighs above her black hold-ups.
"Oh, I didn't say which lips I had in mind…" smirked Draco, flashing her a wolfish look.
"Oh no! Wait… Draco! We are going to be l-late…" protested Hermione in a rather feeble voice, a blush coloring her cheeks and her eyes widening as she was suddenly pushed against the chest of drawers. "Draco, stop… We are going to be…" she broke off and bit her lip, slamming her hands on the dresser behind her to remain standing. "Oh… Oh, don't you dare to stop! Oh, oh, oh… Draco!"
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Drawing room – 7:30 p.m.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells…"
"Theo, would you please sit down!" called Ginny with annoyance, her eyes following Theo's bouncing form.
She, Harry, Ron, Luna and the latter's new significant other Rolf were all settled in the comfortable leather armchairs and loveseats in the middle of the vast room, gathered around an elegant ebony-wood coffee table on which stood a silver tray laden with chocolate muffins Luna and Rolf had brought with them. Instead of joining them, Theo, clad in a velvety green jumpsuit with tiny golden bells jingling at his wrists, ankles and around his belt, was hopping throughout the room like an oversized Christmas elf, straightening the Christmas decorations hung over the furniture and examining with interest the mountains of bundles wrapped in bright gift paper and colorful ribbons and piled around the giant Christmas tree in a corner of the room. Turning to Ginny, he flashed her a cocky grin and sang all the louder:
"Jingle bells, Zabini smells,
Daphne ran away!
Christmas cheer, I am queer,
Wanking all the way!"
"Theo, don't make me hex you!" growled Ginny threateningly, pulling her wand from the folds of her red evening gown.
The brunet only rolled his eyes and bounced over to snatch a muffin from the tray, the bells covering his body tinkling madly.
"Hey, why such dark faces?" he asked cheerfully. "Feels like a funeral!"
"It's the first time we're all spending Christmas together, so the least we could do is to behave ourselves," retorted Ginny.
"I don't know why Narcissa Malfoy invited us," said Ron somberly, "but I don't like it! We should probably check our food for poison…"
"I think she did it to please Hermione," shrugged Harry. "She must have told her that it was only going to be the five of us at the Burrow, and that Molly wasn't fancying such a small gathering…"
"I'm not sure you'll be much better off here," snorted Theo between two bites of muffin. "With Draco's parents and the Grangers not talking, the open vendetta between Lucius and your father," he nodded to Ginny, "Blaise planning to bring a… err… rather unconventional creature with him, which's going to give Cissa a stroke, and the Weasel so frustrated that we'll find him humping a Christmas tree by the end of the evening!"
"Hey!" protested Ron angrily. "Now you are just being a dick!"
"You are what you eat!" chanted Theo serenely, bouncing away. "Jingle bells…"
"Hermione and Draco are late…" muttered Ginny, casting a worried glance to the small watch on her wrist.
"D'you reckon she killed him?" said Ron hopefully, taking another muffin from the tray Luna was pushing toward him.
"Jingle bells, flying spells,
Hermione's gonna slay!
Draco cries, his prick dries,
I'm happy I am gay!" sang Theo merrily.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Lucius' study – 7:30 p.m.
Pressing against the back of his leather armchair as though he wanted to melt into it, Daniel Granger took a sip from his glass of Firewhiskey and gulped down as silently as he could. The gazes of the innumerable Malfoy family portraits on the walls were pinning him to the spot. In another leather armchair on his left, Arthur Weasley was staring into his own glass as if seriously considering drowning himself in it. Opposite them, Lucius Malfoy was looking intently into the fire that was crackling merrily in the marble fireplace on their right, firmly clutching a crystal decanter of liquor in one hand while twirling idly his glass in the other. The silence in the luxuriously furnished study was so heavy that one could almost hear the snow falling beyond the mullioned windows. Mr. Granger cleared his throat awkwardly.
"So… It's rather chilly outside, isn't it?" he said tentatively.
"Cold, very cold indeed," nodded Mr. Weasley, apparently still mesmerized by the bottom of his glass.
"Freezing cold," gritted out Lucius Malfoy.
Mr. Granger cast around desperately, but then decided it was better to focus on his hands to avoid the nasty looks of the portraits.
"The weather is rather unforgiving this year, isn't it?" he managed in a strangled voice.
"Terrible, terrible…" agreed Arthur on his left.
"Dreadful," said Lucius.
The heavy silence fell back over the room. The three men downed their drinks without looking at each other.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Kitchen – 7:30 p.m.
"The kids are in the living-room and the men in the study; they are all out of earshot!" said Narcissa Malfoy, entering the gigantic kitchen of the manor and carefully closing the double doors behind her.
She turned to the three women sitting around the huge, sparkling black marble kitchen island. Molly Weasley was twiddling distractedly with a butcher knife and a cutting board laden with peeled carrots, an apron covering the front of her flowery party dress. Settled on a bar stool across from her, one leg hooked over the other with poise, Gisela Zabini was sipping cherry liqueur from a crystal shot glass. At the farthest end of the kitchen island, Jane Granger was perched on the very edge of her bar stool, her gaze shifting timidly between the three witches. Behind her, half a dozen of house-elves were busying themselves over the sparkling stovetops and marble worktops against the far wall, pots and pans bubbling and whistling merrily and issuing clouds of steam, mouth-watering smells wafting throughout the kitchen. Narcissa, looking regal in her black silk evening gown, ran a severe gaze over the women, her hands clasped together in front of her.
"Alright ladies," she said sternly, "let's cross the T's and dot the I's. We are all civilized and well-educated people here; we don't want our children or our men to think that we can't behave ourselves! So to whoever passes through that door, we are spending some perfectly friendly time with each other while helping the house-elves with the dinner to please our dearest Hermione."
Molly put the butcher knife on the cutting board and pushed it to the center of the table, Gisela took another sip of liqueur and smacked her lips haughtily, Jane straightened a little on her bar stool, and Narcissa went to take seat at the nearest end of the kitchen island, gracefully perching on a bar stool. The four women exchanged meaningful looks, and slowly, their pursed lips curled into conniving smirks.
"Shall we begin, girls?" asked Narcissa, snapping her fingers and her eyes glittering.
Their faces glowing with anticipation, Gisela put down her glass of liqueur, Jane leaned forward, and Molly slammed her palm on the table.
"So, who has tried it?" whispered Narcissa with a wide grin.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Main living-room – 8:03 p.m.
Stepping out of the emerald green flames swirling in the hearth, Hermione dusted her skirt and made a few steps in the vast, empty living-room plunged in half-light.
"We are late…" she huffed anxiously, looping her arms through Draco's, who was standing by the fireplace.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. If you want my opinion, you came right on time…" he muttered under his breath, smirking devilishly as they made their way out of the room.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Lucius' study – 8:05 p.m.
"I haven't had a chance to thank you and Narcissa for inviting us over for Christmas," said Arthur as Lucius poured them all a new round of drinks.
The silence had been lingering for so long that Mr. Weasley seemed surprised to hear his own voice.
"With our son Bill and his wife spending the holidays in France, Percy working, Charlie in Siberia, and Fred and George wanting to celebrate with Katie's and Angelina's families, it would have been only me, Molly, Ginny, Harry and Ron at the Burrow… It's very nice of you."
"Not at all, not at all…" replied Lucius through gritted teeth. "The more, the merrier."
The three men disappeared behind their glasses, Arthur gazing at the ceiling, Lucius into the fire and Daniel at the carpet. Eventually, Lucius Malfoy seemed unable neither to force down any more Firewhiskey nor to bear the excruciating silence.
"After all, you are something like my daughter-in-law's adoptive family…" he grunted, casting a sideways glance to Mr. Weasley.
"Oh yes, we almost raised her!" nodded Arthur enthusiastically. "No offense…" he added quickly, looking sheepishly at Mr. Granger.
But the latter shook his head and chuckled:
"Are you kidding? All these holidays, all these school breaks you invited her over… I could never tell you just how grateful I and Jane are!"
Arthur looked pleased yet slightly puzzled, and Lucius quirked an eyebrow.
"I would never have pictured Hermione as a difficult child," he commented.
Mr. Granger took a sip of Firewhiskey and waved a hand.
"You wouldn't know!" he exclaimed. "She was terrible! All the lectures we had to go through, all the punishments… We had to implement a curfew, can you imagine?"
"Hermione? Really?" said Arthur, astonished.
"Draco was always depicting her as perfectly well-behaved…" frowned Lucius, leaning forward on his seat.
"Well-behaved?" scoffed Daniel. "That's a cute euphemism! She was a monster! A miniature tyrant, I tell you!" he snarled, slamming his fist on the coffee table between them and downing his glass.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Kitchen – 8:10 p.m.
"Mother?"
"Mom?"
The giggles running throughout the kitchen stopped at once as the double doors burst open. Molly grabbed the cutting board and pulled it toward her, starting to chop the carrots with a suddenly blank face. Gisela poured herself some more cherry liqueur and brought it to her lips with a supremely bored look. Jane, very red in the face, emitted a small squeak and her stool clattered loudly against the marble floor as she stopped swinging on its rear legs and sat primly upright. Narcissa hurriedly tossed something over the kitchen island; it landed on the floor on the other side with a thud and rolled out of view. Standing on the threshold of the kitchen, Draco and Hermione watched in puzzlement as all the women turned to them with welcoming yet somewhat frozen smiles.
"Good evening, my dears!" greeted them Narcissa after a moment silence, sliding gracefully off her seat and walking over to give her son and Hermione a one-armed hug. "You are early…"
"Actually, we are a bit late," said Draco, raising an eyebrow.
"Are you?" hummed Narcissa distractedly, resuming her seat at the kitchen island.
"Is everything alright?" asked Hermione, her eyes travelling anxiously between Narcissa, her mother, Molly and Mrs. Zabini.
Mrs. Granger nodded vigorously.
"Everything is perfect!" she exclaimed quickly.
"Grand," confirmed Molly.
"Fabulous," agreed Gisela.
"What were you talking about?" asked Draco, frowning suspiciously. "We heard… err… strange noises."
"Stuffing," answered Mrs. Weasley with a perfectly straight face.
Draco and Hermione exchanged looks.
"Stuffing?" repeated Hermione.
"Yes, stuffing," said Narcissa. "Stuffing things… Err…" She cast a hesitant glance at Molly.
"Stuffing the turkey," said Molly offhandedly.
"With carrots," nodded Hermione's mother.
"And zucchinis," chimed in Gisela.
Hermione's gaze ran around the table, paused on the open bottle of cherry liqueur, and she gave Draco a small shrug, grinning slightly. She started to round the kitchen island to hug Mrs. Weasley and her mother, but Molly took a step sideways, barring her way, and Jane leaped off her bar stool, scurrying over with a slightly panicked smile.
"Hermione, Draco, dears, why don't you go upstairs? The others are waiting for you!" exclaimed Mrs. Granger with barely hidden nervousness.
"We just wanted to say hello…" started Hermione, but Molly was already ushering her and Draco out of the kitchen.
Before they could even properly realize what had happened, the double doors slammed shut behind them.
"They hit the bottle a bit, didn't they?" whispered Hermione, gaping at the closed doors as an uproar of giggles sounded inside the kitchen.
Draco stared at the doors in equal disbelief.
"Could have been worse, I guess…" he muttered at last. "Have you seen that knife in Molly's hand? Come on; let's try to find the others…"
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Lucius' study – 8:21 p.m.
"… you just picture this; me and Jane creeping out of the garage, completely stoned, you mind… Midnight, the whole house pitch-black… You would think the little gremlin would be asleep? Wrong! That nine-year old control freak was sitting on the stairs, waiting for us! Says it's two hours past curfew, lectured us for ages! And Jane was having this laughing fit; I thought she was going to vomit on the carpet!"
With a shiver of dread, Mr. Granger downed his third glass while Arthur and Lucius roared with laughter.
"First thing we did when she left for Hogwarts was to roll ourselves the biggest joint of our life to smoke in peace on our frigging couch in our frigging house!" cried Daniel. "This school was a blessing, I tell you!"
"Speaking about school…" choked out Lucius once he had managed to catch his breath. "I'd've sent Draco to the North Pole, if only Narcissa had let me! I'd been writing letters to Durmstrang's Headmaster for years to make sure they had a place for him! Believe me, you had it easy with her on the clingy side!"
Arthur and Daniel leaned forward eagerly as Lucius emptied the decanter into their glasses and walked to a glass-fronted cabinet behind his mahogany desk to take another one.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Kitchen – 8:21 p.m.
"The biggest problem is of course to find a stash for it… I could never pass it off as a real unicorn horn!" sighed Narcissa despairingly.
The four women considered thoughtfully the Holly Jolly Witch's Ride 2000, which was now proudly enthroned in the middle of the immaculate kitchen island, pointing to the crystal chandelier overhead.
"Well, I don't hide it at all," said Molly.
Narcissa, Gisela and Jane gaped at her in awe.
"Lucius would have a fit, if he found it!" breathed Narcissa.
Molly smirked.
"Oh, Arthur even encourages me to expand my collection! See, a few years ago, he asked Harry what's the function of a rubber duck, and the dear boy – bless him! – told him it was just a toy Muggles put in their bath…"
Jane clapped her hands, being the first one to understand, and she and Molly exchanged mischievous looks.
"But I know very well what these toys are for!" finished Molly. "Brrzzzzzt…" she buzzed with a meaningful look.
"Oooooh!" chorused Narcissa and Gisela, finally understanding.
"I have nine of them now," said Molly with satisfaction. "Arthur is over the moon; he thinks I'm supporting his mania for Muggle things."
"That's so clever…" sighed Gisela with an envious look. "I've never tried Muggle toys!"
"They seem so much more advanced than we are on that matter…" nodded Narcissa regretfully.
BAM! The three witches jumped as Mrs. Granger suddenly slammed onto the table an innocent-looking suitcase that had been standing at her feet.
"Looks like it's your lucky day!" she chanted, snapping the suitcase open.
"Merlin's sack!" cried Narcissa, seizing a napkin to fan herself frantically as she stared at the contents of the suitcase.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Drawing room – 8:21 p.m.
"… If I could speak the language of Nargles, they would be amazed, and I would be their queen…" Luna sighed dreamily, lying on her back in an armchair with her legs propped up against its back and her head hanging in the void from the edge of the seat.
"These are so delicious!" said Ron in a muffled voice, licking his fingers as he stuffed his mouth with the last bits of the last muffin. "I could have a gustatory orgasm eating them…"
"I would be kind to my Nargle subjects. At first…" continued Luna, her big round eyes lost in space.
"Hey, Ron…" called Harry, slightly breathless as he chuckled without any apparent reason, slouched across his own armchair. "Hey… Ron, buddy… Hey, Ron! If you had to choose between food and sex for the rest of your life, what would you give up?"
"One day, I hold a great ball for the Minister of Magic, but the Nargles, they hate me and don't come. I am embarrassed, so I burn all the mistletoe in the world and make them watch!" said Luna fiercely, pumping her fist in the air.
"I dunno… Food. No, sex," mumbled Ron, his features screwed in concentration. "Food… Sex… Food… I want girls covered in muffin dough!"
"What's in this muffins anyway?" asked Ginny, licking her lips and her voice unusually slow. "They have a weird minty aftertaste…"
Rolf, who was sprawled across the carpet at the foot of Luna's armchair, stirred and brushed his long dreadlocks off his face.
"Am not sure… Grandma Tina and Grandpa Newt made them… Said there was a secret ingredient…" he shrugged.
Ginny licked her lips again, frowning as though she tried to remember something.
"Theo..." she called. "Where is Theo? Guys… I think we are high… Lu', your boyfriend drugged us… Hahaha! Theo! Did he pass out?"
There was suddenly a loud noise somewhere around the foot of the giant Christmas tree in the far corner of the room, and Theo emerged from the depths of a large hill of gifts like a mole breaking through the ground.
"Bingle… jells… Somebody called?" he mumbled with a haggard look.
Harry, Ron, and Ginny burst into uncontrollable giggles…
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Lucius' study – 8:26 p.m.
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen, listen… Listen to me…"
Lucius Malfoy leaned forward on his seat, waggling his finger theatrically and slurring his words. Daniel Granger and Arthur Weasley perched on the edge of their armchairs, hanging on his every word, although their gazes were now slightly out of focus.
"I've been walking with a cane since I was thirty!" Lucius hiccupped and cleared his throat. "Pardon… So, why d'you think, huh? Why d'you think I need a fucking cane to walk?"
Arthur and Daniel looked at him interrogatively.
"I'll tell you why!" snarled Lucius, shaking his head. "For years... For years, this little bitch would wrap himself around my left leg and wouldn't let go! Sometimes, I would walk around for hours with him clinging onto me and bawling about that new broomstick or whatever he wanted! My leg has never been the same after that… It's still more muscled than the other! If I wasn't walking with a cane, I would be limping! Bouncing sideways! That blond Grindylow made me a cripple!"
"Oh man…" muttered Daniel and Arthur sympathetically.
Lucius heaved a heart-wrenching sigh and took a big gulp of Firewhiskey.
"The only positive thing since I knocked Cissy up and that little shit-machine barged into our lives was when she was still pregnant… She had this period, you know, when she would climb all over me like she wanted to shag me into oblivion! Good old days… Then, that stinky, screaming bundle arrived, and I could as well forget about the primary purpose of the marital bed! It became a desert… A barren wasteland… A forsaken place of desolation…"
Arthur and Daniel bowed their heads as he downed his glass. For a moment, the three men sat in mournful silence.
"Arthur," said suddenly Lucius, reaching to grasp Mr. Weasley's shoulder, "you know, I've always mocked you and your family… But I have to tell you this; I've always envied you! Really!" He looked Mr. Weasley sternly in the eye as the latter started to shake his head incredulously, "I tell you… All I can think about is the incredible amount of fuckery you had to get there! Dan, am I right or not?"
"Totally! So, so right!" Mr. Granger nodded in agreement, patting Arthur's shoulder.
"You don't know what you are talking about…" replied Mr. Weasley somberly. "Listen…"
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Kitchen – 8:26 p.m.
"… vibrating mode, massaging mode…"
"Oooh!"
"… slow, medium speed, fast…"
"Oooooh!"
"… heating function, with or without balls…"
"OOOOOOOH!"
"… latex or natural skin feeling…"
"OOOOOOOOH!"
"… pink, blue, skin color, black, gold…"
"OOOOOOOOOOH!"
"… four inches, six inches, eight inches…"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
"… springy, relatively pliant, unbending flexibility! Now, dare tell me that Muggles know nothing of wand-making!" Mrs. Granger finished her presentation triumphantly to thunderous applause.
Breathless, Narcissa had slumped onto the surface of the kitchen island and was hammering it with her fists ecstatically.
"MERLIN'S GLANS RUBBED RAW!"
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Lucius' study – 8:30 p.m.
"You have no idea of what it's been!" exclaimed Arthur, clutching tufts of his thinning hair.
He now sat on the carpeted floor, Lucius and Daniel on either side of him and patting his back bracingly. The second decanter of Firewhiskey was standing on the floor between them and was now half-empty.
"Molly has this strange resistance to Contraceptive potions and spells… We've tried them all, I tell you! At some point and five kids later, I just gave up, and whenever we would allow ourselves to get feisty, I would add a new room to the house, just in case… Only after Ginny was born did Perkins think it useful to tell me about these things Muggles use – condoms! So clever… Where did my life go?"
Mr. Weasley covered his eyes with his hand and a sob erupted from his chest.
"Arthur… Arthur, old pal," called Lucius, dabbing the corners of his own eyes and his voice breaking, "We were young…"
"So young!" wailed Arthur.
"Too young!" echoed Daniel.
The three men fell in each others' arms, their heads together and tears rolling down their cheeks.
"But I love them, you know… Each one of these little demons… Even Percy!" spluttered Mr. Weasley. And Gred and Forge… Err… Fred and George… How could I live without them, huh?"
"I know, I know…" sobbed Mr. Granger. "And she's the best daughter I could ever wish for – Hermione! She was an angel… When she would fall asleep and shut her mouth so we would stop having the impression of living in Discovery Channel…"
"Same here, same here…" hiccupped Lucius Malfoy. "I was being unfair to Draco… With a few drops of Sleeping Draught in his baby bottle, he actually looked human… Bottoms up, gentlemen!"
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, First-floor corridor – 8:30 p.m.
"Do you hear this?" asked Hermione as she and Draco reached the stairs landing of the first floor and stepped into the wide corridor on their right.
They both paused, listening; from halfway down the corridor where they saw a well of light streaming through the gaping doorway of the drawing room, they could hear loud cheers and roaring accompanied by rhythmic pounding noises that sounded like feet stomping on the floor and fists being slammed on a table. Hermione and Draco exchanged bemused looks and hurried down the hallway. They stopped dead in their tracks on the threshold of the drawing room, nearly knocked off their feet by the scene that opened before them.
Harry, Ron, Ginny, Rolf, and Luna were all sitting on the edge of their armchairs around the coffee table in the middle of the room, positively howling with laughter and tears rolling down their cheeks as they drummed their fists on the coffee table. Said table was nearly crumbling under the weight of a very scruffy-looking, human-sized Christmas elf, who was no other than Theo, perched on top of it and leaping from one foot to the other as he executed a wild dance.
"WHO LET THE ELVES OUT?" he shouted.
"WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?" barked the five others, pounding enthusiastically.
"WHO LET THE ELVES OUT?"
"WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?"
Thunderstruck and speechless, Draco and Hermione gawked at the scene. Meanwhile, Theo decided to switch to a new song and started to flail his arms like a conductor before an orchestra, bellowing:
"I SAW RONNIE KISSING SANTA CLAUS
UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE LAST NIGHT!
THEY DIDN'T SEE ME CREEP
ON THEM TO HAVE A PEEP!
I SAW AS SANTA DUCKED
'CAUSE RONNIE TRULY SUCKED!
AND NOW THEY ARE BOTH FUCKED!"
"You are a dick, Nott!" yelled Ron without however stopping laughing hysterically.
"THEN, I SAW RONNIE TICKLE SANTA CLAUS
UNDERNEATH HIS BEARD SO SNOWY WHITE;
OH, WHAT A LAUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN,
IF LAV-LAV HAD ONLY SEEN
RONNIE KISSING SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT!"
"What's happening?" breathed Hermione feebly, looking at Draco with eyes full of horror.
"We were going to ask the same question!" said a familiar voice behind them.
Hermione and Draco jumped and whirled around; Blaise was striding down the hallway in their direction, his hands stuck in the pockets of his dinner suit. He was followed by the most peculiar young woman Hermione has ever seen; a tall blonde with a long mane of curly hair, undeniably pretty, though her angelic face was garishly-painted. She was wearing a fuchsia nylon pinafore dress that hugged her generous curves, black and yellow striped tights and bright red high heel shoes. The general impression was one of an exotic bird escaped from the aviary of a zoo. Hermione's mouth fell open, and Draco closed his eyes for a second as to brace himself.
"Draco, mate, glad you're still alive! Hermione, sweetheart… Please, let me introduce you to Cherry!" exclaimed Blaise, beaming.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Dining room – 9:43 p.m.
The light in the vast dining room of the mansion was dazzling. Besides the two enormous crystal chandeliers hanging above the long dining table, the four floor-to-ceiling Christmas trees standing in each corner of the room could have been enough to light it all. Shining live fairies were fluttering between the branches, making the enchanted snow covering the needles sparkle and the everlasting icicles glitter like diamonds. The large diamond stars at the top of each tree seemed to radiate their own glow, and the garlands crisscrossing under the high vaulted ceiling sparkled silver as they undulated slightly in a nonexistent breeze, reflecting in the polished dark wood floor.
In the middle of all this bluish white and cold silver glow, the huge marble fireplace on the right side of the room cast a bright, warm light upon the golden plates and the crystal flutes on the dining table. Apart from the crackling of the fire in the hearth and the quiet clanking of knives and forks, the silence in the room was almost eerie as the seventeen diners seated around the table tucked in the Christmas turkey.
At one end of the long table, Lucius, Arthur, and Daniel sat side by side, their heads bowed over their plates as they focused on their meal with looks of deep concentration. Their struggle to cut their meat was almost painful to watch, their forks and knives clattering against their plates because of their shaking hands. Their cheeks were rosy, and all three of them were biting their lips as though desperately trying to stifle the laughter that threatened to overcome them. Every now and then, giggles broke through Lucius' pursed lips and he tried to disguise them into strange hiccoughs, the three men then sneaking sheepish glances at their wives who sat across from them.
But Narcissa, Molly, and Jane seemed to have more interesting things in mind than their inebriated husbands. They and Blaise's mother were exchanging furtive looks, and each time their lips curled into small conniving smirks before they dived back into their plates, their shoulders shaking with silent giggles.
The diners around the second half of the table were doing an even poorer job of hiding their condition. While Theo had the decency to bury his face in the crook of his arm, he couldn't push the discretion as to stifle the muffled and irrepressible wails of laughter that erupted from his chest. Rolf, Ron and Harry were stuffing their mouths as though they had been starving for days. Ginny stared fixedly at what was left of her peas and turkey as she tried to eat as slowly as possible, her eyes glassy and very red in the face. Luna was the only one who didn't look high as a kite, but it was only due to her trademark dreamy expression and bulging eyes, which made it impossible to tell the difference from her usual self.
Finally, Blaise and Cherry sat facing each other, and while the young woman observed the scene with sharp interest, the Italian watched apprehensively the person on his left out of the corner of his eye.
At the very end of the table and across from Draco (who was eyeing her with equal wariness), Hermione sat primly upright, her elbows on the table and her fingertips joined together, stone-faced yet her eyes were blazing dangerously. Her gaze was traveling up and down the long table, her eyes narrowing to slits and her lips tightening more and more as she took in one by one the faces of her friends, parents, and parents-in-law. If looks could flay, all of them would have been skinned alive, but they seemed completely oblivious to the danger.
Lucius was the first one to become aware of the lingering silence. After another quick glance at Narcissa, who was too busy chuckling quietly with Molly and Jane, he peered around the table and his eyes rested upon the voluptuous Cherry.
"So," said the Malfoy patriarch, clearing his throat and leaning forward so he could make himself heard from Blaise. "This is a fine young lady you've chosen, Blaise. I like her very much. She has… err… an intelligent look…"
Narcissa's, Molly's and Jane's heads shot up at once.
"Lucius!" snapped Narcissa, swelling with indignation.
"What is it, Cissy-mine?" mumbled Lucius, whirling to her at once.
The women glared at their husbands. Daniel and Arthur stopped pretending to eat and eyed their wives warily, their forks halfway to their mouths. The three men seemed to deflate and shrink, pinned to their spots by their wives' furious gazes.
"Do you think we haven't noticed you all staring at this… this harlot throughout the evening!" hissed Narcissa scornfully, half-rising from her high-backed chair, her hands braced on the table on either side of her plate as she leaned towards her husband threateningly.
Lucius recoiled, the feet of his chair scraping against the floor. Cherry raised her eyebrows, looking offended, and Blaise opened his mouth to protest. But before any of them could say anything, a loud bang sounded in the dining-room; Hermione had leaped to her feet, overthrowing her chair.
"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" she snarled, slamming her fist on the table.
Everybody jumped, dropping their forks. Her father, Lucius, and Arthur turned away from their wives to stare fearfully in the direction of this new danger. Narcissa fell back onto her seat. Mrs. Granger emitted a small squeal and tried to make herself as small as possible. Theo ducked under the table, his dilated pupils peering over its edge. Ron gawked at her, his mouth full of mashed potato hanging open. Blaise nudged Rolf who was sitting on his right, and he, Rolf and Harry scooted sideways on their seats to put some distance between them and Hermione.
"Hermione, princess…" started Draco soothingly, setting his fork and knife down on the table.
"Don't you see?" she shouted, turning to him and gesturing wildly at the others. "Don't you see what's going on? Just look at them! These have three sheets to the wind!" ("We are glorious!" protested Lucius feebly; Hermione silenced him with one look.) "These are completely spaced-out!" she continued vehemently ("Can't argue with that…" admitted Theo from under the table). "… And your best friend brought a hooker to a family Christmas dinner! You know what, Draco, don't you worry about ruining our marriage! Our friends and family are doing it for you just fine!"
Hermione slumped back onto her chair, breathing heavily and glowering at them all. At the other end of the table, her father and Lucius stared at her with wide eyes, before suddenly bursting into uncontrollable giggles.
"She's so tiny!" choked Lucius as Mr. Granger collapsed sideways into his arms, crying with laughter. "It's so funny when she is mad!"
Hermione gaped at them in outrage.
"Mom!" she exclaimed incredulously, turning to Jane Granger, who started and failed to look completely innocent. "How could you let Dad drink himself into this state? And you, Narcissa, what were you doing while they were all caning it?"
"I… Err…" started Narcissa, looking slightly worried. "We were busy…"
"Busy?" repeated Hermione.
"Excuse me," interrupted a voice.
Everybody turned to Cherry, who had straightened on her chair.
"I would just like to clarify something," she said angrily. "I don't know what Blaise told you…" she gave him a sharp look and he coughed uneasily, "… but I am not a hooker! I'm a sex therapist! I work at St Mungo's. We met there two weeks ago after he was brought to the emergency ward because of a Firewhiskey poisoning."
"Oh..." breathed Hermione and Narcissa in unison, while the men averted their gazes, looking rightfully ashamed.
Cherry took her flute of champagne and sipped it with a dignified expression.
"Well…" started Hermione, frowning and a little flustered, but she was interrupted again.
"Excuse Minnie, Masters!" chirped a tiny, high-pitched voice from the threshold of the dining room. "Minnie is sorry; Minnie has something for Mistress Cissa…"
A small, female house-elf with a snout-like nose, round muddy-brown eyes and wearing a cloth napkin like a toga came scuttling into view. She was bouncing with every step and bending over immediately before taking the next, so it was impossible to see what she was pressing against her chest. Everybody watched the creature scurry to Narcissa and bend low at her feet, saying:
"Mistress Cissa forgot something in the kitchen… Minnie is bringing it back to Mistress Cissa…"
The elf straightened. Mrs. Granger squeaked and clasped her hands over her mouth. Molly and Gisela winced, horrorstruck. Lucius' flute of champagne slipped out of his hand and smashed on the floor. Cherry gasped in awe. Blaise's brows rose high on his forehead in evident delight. Theo emerged from under the table to have a better look. Hermione's eyes widened as she gaped, thunderstruck, not even reacting when Draco choked and sputtered, spraying her with champagne across the table. Everybody around the table froze, their gazes converging to the Holly Jolly Witch's Ride 2000 the elf was handing reverently to Narcissa, whose cheeks were now a deep shade of magenta.
"Wha- What... C-Cissy… What…?" choked Lucius, apparently having momentarily lost his ability of speech.
"Lucius, breathe!" exclaimed Narcissa, pulling herself together quickly and taking the toy with a regal poise.
"Oh no, no, no… You've got to be kidding me…" whispered Draco at the other end of the table, burying his face in his hands.
Hermione reached over and wrapped her fingers around his right wrist bracingly. Everyone else was watching with bated breath.
"What is this?" croaked Lucius, clutching his heart.
"What do you think?" replied Narcissa, cutting gracefully her turkey with a thoroughly bored look, the Holly Jolly lying across her lap under the table.
"B-But… why?" moaned Lucius.
His wife gave him a sharp look.
"Well, a woman has needs, darling," she answered curtly through pursed lips.
"No, no, no!" breathed Draco in a strangled voice, slumping forward and resting his forehead against the table.
Hermione stroked the back of his head distractedly, her eyes not leaving Lucius' shocked, paling face.
"B-But, sugarplum, I-I'm here for these, and I-I think I'm doing a good job!" stuttered Lucius.
"Do you?" said Narcissa, unfazed.
"Kill me… Kill me now!" breathed Draco, clinging onto Hermione's hand.
"Well, of course! I would know if you were left unsatisfied!" exclaimed Lucius forcefully. "I would know if you were faking it!"
"Where is my bloody wand?" muttered Draco, rummaging in his pockets frantically.
"Huh huh," hummed Narcissa, chewing carefully her roast potatoes.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Lucius indignantly.
"Nothing," shrugged Narcissa calmly. "It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women have done it at some point, so you do the math."
Her words were met with a murmur of agreement from Molly, Jane, Gisela, Cherry, and Theo. The men frowned, but Lucius drew himself up.
"I would know," he snorted disdainfully.
Narcissa set her knife and fork down, dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin and looked up at him blankly.
"Hmm," she sniffed.
His expression smug, Lucius had started eating again.
"Hmm…" hummed Narcissa, letting herself go against the back of her chair. "Hmmmm…"
About to put his fork into his mouth, Lucius paused in mid-gesture and frowned at her.
"Everything alright, dear?"
"Mmmh… Mmmmmmh…" hummed Narcissa louder, her eyes fluttering closed and running a hand through her hair.
Lucius put his fork down, eyeing her warily. Hermione quickly pulled Draco's knife and fork out of his reach before he could realize what was happening. Nobody else moved.
"Mmmmh… Oh…" breathed Narcissa, pressing her fingertips lasciviously against her lips and arching a little. "Oh yes…"
Lucius stared at her in utter bewilderment. At the other end of the table, Draco's jaw fell open in a silent scream of horror as he sat frozen in his chair.
"Mmmmh… Oh, oh! Yes, like this… Yes…" moaned Narcissa, throwing her head back and arching even more, all the while messing her blond hair with her hands. "Oh, yes! Mmmmh! Just like this, yes!" she cried, obviously in mounting bliss, and slammed her right hand on the table, making her plate rattle. "Yes! Yes! Oh… Oooooh! Yes!" The words were leaving her mouth in a rapid, incoherent stream; she was panting. "Yes! Harder! OH DEAR MERLIN! YES!" she shouted, now pounding the table with her fists, her hair a mess, her cheeks flushed. "LUCIUS! OH LUCIUS, THAT'S SO GOOD! OOOOH…" she screamed, mewling and moaning. "OH MERLIN! NOW! OOOOOOOH YES!"
And with that final scream of pure pleasure, she suddenly stilled and sat primly upright, taking back her fork and knife.
"Pass the salt, please?" she said collectedly, looking up at her utterly appalled husband with a perfectly straight face.
Everyone around the table stirred, the men gulping thickly and staring fixedly at their plates. Molly and Jane high-fived, while a little smirk graced Narcissa's lips. Hermione turned worriedly to Draco; he was looking past her with empty eyes as though his soul had left his body.
"Hermione," he said in a hollow voice, "if you love me, would you please stab me in the ear right now? And make sure to drive the knife up to my brain."
Hermione reached over to squeeze his hands in hers, biting her lips hard. Slowly, robotically, Lucius turned to look at Cherry from the other end of the table.
"I would like to make an appointment. As soon as possible, please," he said quietly.
Wiltshire, Malfoy Manor, Drawing room – Christmas, 00:43 a.m.
Snow was quietly falling on the other side of the diamond-paned windows, ghostly white snowflakes fluttering slowly down onto the stone sill in the night outside. The drawing room was full of flickering shadows, the high flames crackling in the fireplace being the only source of light. A peaceful silence reigned in the room. Every now and then, a deep sigh came to disturb it as everybody, full of Christmas pudding and drowsy, digested their dinner, staring into the flames from their respective armchairs, loveseats, or cushions strewn across the carpeted floor. The high hills of gifts around the Christmas tree were no longer, replaced by a sea of torn and crumpled wrapping paper and entangled ribbons. The presents were piled in heaps next to their new owners, most of whom still had a glassy look in their eyes; some from unreasonable amounts of liquor, others from Rolf and Luna's special muffins, most from the copious meal they had all ingested.
Sitting cross-legged on a velvety throw pillow right before the hearth so the heat washed over her in waves, Hermione looked over her shoulder to where Draco was sitting in an armchair across the room. He was twiddling absently with the hem of the unavoidable dark green Christmas jumper Mrs. Weasley had knitted for him and which was now the fourth in his collection. His shoulders were slightly hunched and the hair on the left side of his head stuck out at angles as he had been running his hand repeatedly through it. The small crease Hermione knew so well was back between his eyebrows. Sensing her gaze on him, Draco looked up and gave a weary and somewhat sad kind of smile.
Hermione averted her gaze and bit her lip, peering out of the corner of her eye at the others; nobody was paying attention. Theo had dozed off, curled up like a cat on the carpet next to her. Ron was sulking in a corner, glowering at all the couples – Ginny and Harry, Luna and Rolf, and Blaise and Cherry – who were snuggled against each other. Mr. Weasley and her father were engrossed in inaudible conversation, and to her surprise, so were Mrs. Weasley, her mother and Mrs. Zabini. Narcissa was sitting on Lucius' lap in a loveseat. Stretching her legs, Hermione discretely got to her feet.
Purposefully avoiding looking at Draco, she walked throughout the room, picking up from the floor the colorful little bows that had once been decorating the presents. When she had gathered a handful of them, she raised her head and slowly made her way to Draco, stepping soundlessly on the carpet, her high heel shoes discarded by the fireplace. He watched her draw nearer with curiosity; the shadow of a mysterious smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth. Hermione stopped a few steps away and tilted her head as though lost in thought.
"I haven't given you your present yet," she said softly, looking the young man in the eye.
"Oh," said Draco hesitantly, "Oh, well, you really didn't have to buy me anything, after…"
His voice trailed off, and he looked down at his hands, his face darkening.
"I know," replied Hermione simply, "But I didn't buy it. And it's not exactly like I had the choice either."
He looked up, frowning slightly. Hermione was acutely aware that all the conversations had died in the room behind her and everybody was now discretely listening to them. In lieu of an answer, she took one of the little bows and pressed it against her stomach, sticking it with what was left of the glue to the fabric of her dress. Draco's gaze shifted between her face and the little golden bow blankly. Hermione sighed and stuck another one next to the first, giving Draco a pointed look, while her smile became more mischievous. Draco's eyes widened suddenly.
"Oh!" he said.
His gaze flickered to their friends and families – they all looked equally puzzled – before coming back to her.
"Right now?" he whispered. "You want us to… err… go to another room?"
When Hermione understood what he was talking about, she had to refrain from rolling her eyes. Smirking, she stuck the four remaining bows to her dress, forming a small circle on her belly, and stood waiting with her hands clasped together in her back. But Draco now seemed utterly confused. His eyes kept travelling between her face, the little sparkling bows and the others, who were not so quiet anymore; Narcissa, Hermione's mother and Molly had gotten to their feet, their hands clasped over their mouths, Ginny emitted a delighted squeal, Blaise's mother and Cherry were exchanging knowing looks, and even Luna seemed to have snapped out of her torpor. Only the men were still in complete bewilderment.
"Well, at this point, we can only hope for it to have her brains!" said Theo, who had woken up and was now shaking his head with an expression akin to pity.
He winked at Hermione, and she chuckled.
And when she turned back to Draco, she found that it had finally dawned on him. Staring at her, he rose clumsily to his feet and took a step forward before stopping. He gestured tentatively at her stomach.
"You… You are…" he breathed. "Are you?" His voice was suddenly quivering.
Hermione blinked back a tear.
"Yes," she nodded, "I am pregn-… Oomph!"
All breath was knocked out of her lungs as Draco's lips crashed on top of hers and he pulled her in a fierce embrace, lifting her off the floor. Still holding her up in the air, he pulled away from her lips and looked up at her; a storm of emotions was raging across his face, and he had a wild, disbelieving, overjoyed look in his quicksilver eyes.
"You are pregnant…" he repeated in a strangled voice.
"That's what I've been wanting to tell you that night," said Hermione quietly, smiling, her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her forehead resting against his.
Draco's expression turned into a horrified look.
"And I... I..." he choked.
"… You kicked your pregnant wife out!" snickered Blaise.
Releasing Hermione, Draco stumbled sideways and ran a hand through his hair.
"Blaise!" snapped Hermione, glowering at the Italian. "What did I tell you yesterday?"
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am," he mumbled sheepishly.
Hermione turned back to Draco and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him against her firmly. Standing on the tip of her toes, she nuzzled the tip of her nose against his.
"He is right," he whispered. "Even if you do manage to forgive me someday…"
"You are an idiot," cut him off Hermione, grinning.
"… I don't know how I could ever make it up to you," he finished.
"How about telling me if you are happy?" said Hermione in a low voice.
"Happy?"
Draco leaned in, pressing his lips against hers. She could feel his heart thundering inside his chest.
"Of course I'm happy!" he chuckled shakily.
Hermione smiled.
"Merry Christmas then…" she whispered.
"Don't you worry, son," said Lucius' voice behind them as he walked over, closely followed by everyone else. "Even if she does forgive you, you will be hearing about this as long as I'm alive!"
Fin.
A/N: It's done! So? How was it? I really hope you had fun reading it! Leave a last little review to share your thoughts! Thank you for being the lovely, supportive readers you are!
This is not a promise, but I might write a one-shot sequel at some point… So if someday you get a notification in your mailbox, it would mean that I posted the sequel as chapter 12.
References:
"Rachel: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food?
Joey: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.
Rachel: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread!" – Friends, S10E10, The one where Chandler gets caught.
"Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed, and I would be their king. I would be kind to my rabbit subjects. At first. One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits, they hate me and don't come. I am embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch." – The Big Bang Theory, S3E8, The Adhesive Duck Deficiency.
Narcissa's fake orgasm: The famous restaurant scene in When Harry met Sally, 1989
The songs "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" by the Jackson 5 and "Who let the dogs out" by Baha Men.