Trigger Warning - Self Harm/Depression/Abusive Relationships
"Who is that woman?"
"Um…well she was—she was my first relationship."
The word relationship almost makes me wince. Santana stays quiet, I swallow and struggle to work the words out.
"I came to New York and I met her after a couple of months of really struggling, I was alone and poor. I was working two jobs for rent and food and I had no friends. It was such a low point in my life, when I had spare time I would just lie in bed and think about how I wanted to die." Her eyes lift instantly and look up at me, scared.
"I don't think I could have ever done it, but I didn't want to be living that way for much longer. I had given up when I met her. Becca saved me I guess, it was like a complete dream, this movie ending but it wasn't what I thought it would be you know?" She nods slightly, her dark brown eyes looking at me.
"She wasn't who I thought she was but by the time I found that out we were living together and I was in too deep. It took a long time for me to leave her. But that's when I started cutting. I would fuck up in some way and she would hit me or whatever. I would cut myself because I thought I deserved punishment-" I exhale slowly.
"-I thought I needed punishing because I fucked up and also because I always let her hurt me. I was getting lower and lower but I stayed because I was scared, I stayed because I thought in her own sick and twisted way that she loved me like I loved her but I had no idea what the fuck love was. You don't do that shit to someone you love and it took her cheating for me to realise she was not a good person. Something in me woke up and I walked away. I stopped cutting and told myself I wouldn't be that weak again."
Santana is looking up at me; the look in her eyes is something I haven't seen before. It's not pity, it's not fear or disgust. Its love and care and everything I've been missing for so long, tears run down her tanned cheeks slowly and she chokes out the words "I'm so sorry, I didn't know that would have triggered you, I didn't know…I should have told you about Brittany, please can you forgive me Dani? I will never ever hurt you like she did."
My eyes sting and hot tears drip down my face. "It wasn't your fault, you have no need to apologise Santana."
She pushes the box aside and pulls me into her arms, my head buries into her shoulder as I can't hold back from crying now. Eventually her voice shatters the timeless embrace, the tears now dried on my face but her arms still tightly around me. "Why have you kept this stuff?"
"It's all I have left of my life, as much as I would like to forget what else do I have?"
"You have me." She reaches out and pulls the box back, taking the photos delicately from my hands and picking up a blade from the box with an obvious unfamiliarity with it. Taking one of the photos from the later years, a summer that I spent wearing sweaters. She slowly slices the blade through the centre of the photo.
"Try it." It sounds like a command but she's actually asking me. I pick up another photo, I hate this one with a vengeance. I look so happy and the mask I had to wear is evident now, it makes me sick. The blade feels normal in my hand but I'm wary of this. Digging the sharp edge through the thick paper is like a relief. It actually feels good. It's like cutting away baggage, I know this will never rid me of memories but not holding on to these feels amazing now. Destroying the bad memories is something I haven't been able to do before but I really like it.
Santana sits with me while I slice through every bad memory; she indulges me in letting me cut every few strands connecting me to my past. It feels like a fresh start, I'm ready for this and I never thought I'd have this chance again.