author's note: i understand...completey, if you hate me.

so, i'm officially the worst person in the history of people. and…i am sorry.

this chapter…it's good, i think. and you see Sadie and PJ when things were good and not James-y.

and smut.

and yes.

whilst writing this, i listened to:
Forever by Ben Harper
Walk Away by Ben Harper
Drive by The Cars
and Back to Her by Five Way Friday

disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.

the Hang Ups
chapter eleven
this time, okay

James hoped that his confidence wasn't misplaced. He knew, and genuinely, that Sadie would pick him. Part of him hated saying that, however, because Sadie shouldn't have to make this choice. And, as furious as James was that Sadie was lying to him, practically cheating on him, he was in love with her. And, unfortunately, that seemed to alter his better judgment. His focus, however, was better than ever. James assumed, and passed it off as some subconscious need to prove himself to Sadie. He knew, of course, that she'd never see him working his ass off in rehearsals, or killing it on vocals for Big Time Rush's new songs. She'd never see that side of James; the side that poured himself into his work, the dedicated side. But, James felt immensely better thinking that it had some sort of affect on her decision.

The guys were focused, too, of course. They were used to a hasty, hectic work schedule. It seemed, even with their break, that they never stopped. An album dropped, they barely waited for the singles to take off, and then BOOM tour. It was just the way Gustavo worked, and after so many years, the guys were used to it. They didn't even question the lack of Sadie. It was hard to maintain a relationship with their career. The only reason Camille was around was because she practically lived with Logan and Carlos.

Sadie was, and always would be, a different story. And, finally, after what was going on two years, Carlos, Logan and Kendall recognized that. James and Sadie's relationship would never be conventional, or normal, or even healthy. It was uniquely theirs. It was something they'd have to work on, for however long they lasted. Their communication was horrible, their trust issues were in the millions, and their sex drive was something to be noticed – which wasn't all that bad. The point was, there was no changing them. So, they stopped trying to convince James to give up hope, they stopped trying to tear them apart. Because, if Sadie and James were ready to stop, they'd do it.

And that's why James was so secure. He knew.

James said to take her time, so she did. In fact, Sadie took two weeks – which, looking back on it, seemed excessive. Because, when she reached her final conclusion, she felt like it was time wasted. Sadie didn't need to dwell on the memories she had with PJ, because she knew who'd she was picking all along. Had she been picking PJ, she would have thought of the good times with James, right? Right. Still, actually carrying out the choice was a task in itself, and she couldn't bring herself to Skype with PJ. It was petty, breaking up with someone like that, and she didn't want to. But, cheating was something worse.

With that, the fear of how dependent she actually was on James was threatening her picking. She didn't want to choose James just because she thought she "needed" him, or because she thought he "needed" her. In the grand scheme of things, she didn't know if it was actually true. And she wasn't going to base a relationship off of an addiction – and that's was James was, an addiction. It was scary. Because, what if everything failed? What if everything fell apart because Sadie picked James and not PJ? What if the same result happened because she picked PJ and not James? There was so much pressure.

And, by the time she opened her laptop and signed into Skype, she felt like maybe two weeks wasn't enough. He answered the call faster than she expected, faster than she wanted him to, and Sadie sort of froze. PJ looked more bronze than before, which made his teeth look whiter, making his smile brighter. It made her sad, thinking about when she'd first met him.

He was just this stupid California boy. The stereotypical surfer. He wasn't anything special – in fact, there were six other PJ look-alike's in that hallway, alone. But, he was cute and charming, and he talked to Sadie. And, when you added Allie to the mix, they were a trio to be reckoned with. They made a good team, too; PJ and Sadie. They were both exceedingly competitive and painfully aggressive. But, then again, so was James. They spent too many nights on the boardwalk, playing arcade games, laughing. Their first weeks were ideal. Patrick James was a Prince, honestly. He was every teenage girl fantasy; athletic, heart of gold, talented in what he did.

He made Sadie feel special, wanted, cared for. She may have lived on her own, had all these experiences, stories full of bad choices, but there was still a touch of naivety in her. PJ exposed that.

Their second month, they had sex. It was slow, and passionate, but Sadie felt sick afterwards and she didn't know why. It was romantic, and normal that they waited this long. She didn't like that, she guessed, but she knew she did, at least partially, love the attention. There were upsides and downsides to being in a relationship with PJ Tomley, she discovered five, six, seven weeks in. Though, Sadie assumed - and hoped - that it was the same in all relationships. He had a temper, and he told Sadie that going into it. PJ never laid a hand on her, he didn't have a death wish, but he was more passive aggressive than Sadie. Sometimes, and only sometimes did it scare her. She didn't feel safe around PJ when he was drunk, or when he was mad, or when his team lost because he was tough enough to freak the fuck out and kill people.

Or, at least she thought he was. And, of course, that's when it finally occured to Sadie that maybe - just maybe - she shouldn't be having these thoughts about her boyfriend. That, maybe, if she didn't feel right in a situation she should change it. That, maybe she was finding all these things wrong with Patrick James Tomley because she wanted to. And, not for the first time, did it occur to Sadie Grant that she wasn't in love with PJ. She was crazy, totally, completely in love with James Phillip Diamond.

She met his pixel distorted eyes and laughed, "PJ, we need to talk."

Needless to say, the conversation went as smooth as all breakups do. But, unlike most, Sadie felt a sense of, what, joy. She closed her lap top and smiled, then cried, and smiled through her crying - which, she was sure wasn't the best look. And she was thankful for the two weeks, and happy that she didn't have to lie anymore - to anyone. Sadie picked up the red blackberry from the corner of her desk. It felt like she hadn't used it since James left - and, really, she hadn't. Other than texting Camille to prove she was still alive and to Allie, proving the same, Sadie barely looked at the thing. But her thumbs could not stop, deciding whether to call James or text James or both was a battle in itself. In the end, though, and going back to the beginning, calling didn't seem right - mostl because it seemed mature.

So she texted James. I've been thinking.

James' phone buzzed next to his head. He was laying on Carlos and Logan's floor, watching Kendall and Carlos play Black Ops while Logan and Camille were arguing in the kitchen. It startled him. Everyone who should or would be texting him was in the same apartment as him - no more than ten feet away. He picked up the iPhone and looked at it. Her name was just there, in front of him, and he felt like he'd found the lost city of Atlantis or the Marauders because it had been two weeks since he'd seen that name - and that made it feel magical, rare. Of course, he'd given it plenty of thought, but he figured it'd be another year, again, until Sadie Grant finally contacted him. And, who knew, by that time she could've been married. He was nervous to read it, even more so to text back. So he called.

Her voice was like a siren call, "You're calling me."

"We don't call each other." He laughed. He was already out in the hallway of the aparment building, hand in his hair and smiling. He didn't even know if he should be smiling - she could be ditching him to be with that fucker PJ. But, something cheesy and cliched in the air made him feel like the smile was an appropriate reaction to her text. His key was in the door, turning, unlocked, and he was inside. "It's your turn to talk, Sades."

"I've been thinking." She said, fidgeting with something James would never know.

He nodded, he knew she couldn't seen it, but he nodded. Because that's what people do, they nod when they agree or when they feel it's right. "So you say."

Sadie laughed, James was unintentionally charming - perpetually. He heard the sound of a door. "I...I think I want to be with you."

James closed the fridge, a cold gatorade in his hand. He held the phone in place between his shoulder and his ear, "You think...or you know?" He said, "Because, I need know, Sadie, not think."

There was a suspicious knock at the door, and Sadie said three words that made things more clear. James put the gatorade on the counter, unopened, before walking towards the heavy, white-painted door. Her voice was clear through, not only his phone, but the door, when she said, "Open up, James."

And he did. Then, he hung up his phone, and really smiled. A big, genuine smile. He felt an overwhelming amount of happiness seeing Sadie standing there in front of him, "You're here."

"I know." Sadie laughed, her head tilting to the side, "How dramatic, right? All we need is a thunderstorm."

James nodded. He didn't move, Sadie didn't move, they just looked at each other. And the grocery store and the Palm Woods and that damned Apartment 3H flashed through their minds. But, James just nodded, "Yeah."

Sadie bit her lip. She bit her lip and smirked, and it was enough. But, just for extra measure, she said - and barely above a whisper, "Are you going to kiss me now?"

And then, it was like he couldn't control his mouth, his body, hishands. It was like that wave of emotion was determined to destroy Sadie's clothes, James' clothes, the furniture. He nearly slammed the door, pulling Sadie by the belt loops of her worn out jeans into his living room. She sort of waddled, which she was sure wasn't attractive, but James wasn't leaning down so she had to match his height by standing on her tip toes. This tango they were doing continued down the hallway, where James slammed Sadie against the wall - earning a loud moan, that he couldn't make out as pain or pleasure. He grunted, she moaned. She grabbed at his hair, he grabbed at her ass. Everything was like a competition; who could make the other's toes curl more, head spin, eyes roll back. James liked to think he was winning. James was damn lucky her shirt was low cut, Sadie thought. His mouth kissed down her neck, nipping and biting, sucking like it was a life source, and to her chest. One hand left the back pockets of her jeans and slid up the loose-fitting tank top. James' fingers moved the cup of Sadie's bra out of the way, enough to pinch at her nipple and make her squirm.

He was definitely winning. Sadie's head fell back, her eyes closed, her lip secured between her teeth and she said, "Fuck, James."

Then, in a husky whisper, James said back, "You like that?"

And Sadie nodded, because she did. She liked it a lot. Too much, she'd realized, and they'd no doubt discuss it later. Now, however, James' wandering mouth was making an appearance over her nipple, and she was losing control fast – which, happened to be something Sadie didn't like. She grunted, pushing him back. James' reaction was a cocky smirk and a lick of his lips. Sadie retorted by panting and laughing a low, sexy laugh, "James, is that a python in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?"

James shook his head, looked down at the prominent bulge, and smirked, "Don't flatter yourself."

"Well, I do declare." Sadie's southern belle was far better than her British accent. "Mister Diamond that is an erection in your trousers, is it not?"

Then James stepped forward to silence her with his mouth, but Sadie stopped him. She wiggled a finger in his face, shaking her head, and then took off down the rest of the length of the hallway. It was an odd moment for things to seem like they were going back to normal – but the cat and mouse chase was always what they did, and James couldn't stop that Cheshire grin from sneaking onto his face. The same one Sadie Grant always gave him, among other things. He met her in the bedroom, where she was standing, breathing heavy, there in the moonlight.

Again, he went to kiss her, but she stopped him, "Wait."

"What?" He was getting frustrated; sexually, and beyond.

Sadie looked up at him, he'd never seen her eyes like that. They looked happy and hopeful, and then her lips formed three perfect words, "I love you."

And he said, "I love you, too." His tone was serious, but anyone could see the doubt in Sadie's eyes, "Sadie, I love you. So much that, sometimes, it scares me." He tried not to laugh, but saying the truth, having it out there in the open like that, was amusing. "Just trust me."

"I trust you."

And, again, James laughed, taking his hands and holding Sadie's face. "Now, can I fuck your brains out."

"So fucking romantic." Sadie smirked, "But, I believe it is your brains that I will fuck out."

"Challenge accepted."

He didn't remeber moving, and neither did Sadie for that matter, but their bodies were pressed up together and neither one of them thought to complain. James hands were squeezing Sadie's toned thighs, and she was all but too willing to spread her legs for him. So, James lifted her - because lifting Sadie was easier than shuffling over to his bed. He nearly tossed her onto the mattress, smirking down at her and immediately covering Sadie's body with his own. James kissed, again, her lips, her neck and wasted no time pulling that damned tank top off. Sadie was back to breathing heavy, though her breath hardly evened out. Behind them, while the room was fading to black, one thing was evident - the bedroom door was wide open. The best part was that James and Sadie didn't care. His hands were lifting her torso and unclasping her bra, Sadie was lifting his shirt over his head. Everything was moving so fast - then again, with Sadie and James, things hardly moved slowly. The buttons on James' jeans and Sadie's shorts proved to be a challenge, but soon they joined the other clothes on the floor.

James just sat there, on his heels, hands running up and down Sadie's body. It was like she wasn't even real, like she was a fantasy - the perfect fantasy. She was breathing so heavy, and he could watch her bare chest, rising and falling. Sadie's eyes wandered over James' body, following every last curve of his abdomen. She wanted to reach out and touch his chest, his arms, his face. But that was at the risk of ruining this moment - and, weighing her options, she decided against it. James was ready, and Sadie was waiting, but they just kept looking at each other. It was like it was their first time, and they were exploring, and confused. It felt natural and pure and almost, horrifyingly innocent. Sadie smiled the smallest smile and sat up on her elbows. One hand reached out to touch James' arm, that second hand kept pushing Sadie closer to James. He watched her fingers run along his arm for a moment, then removed them, kissing the tips. Sadie breathed out a long breath, her eyes closed, and James put her hand to his cheek. And, again, they kissed.

He pushed Sadie back down, as gently as he could, his lips not even thinking of leaving hers. When Sadie felt James rub against her, she moaned into his mouth. James' hips were barely brushing hers, one arm was holding him up and the other was sliding down Sadie's hip, across her stomach and down to that oh-so-sensitive spot. It was only then that Sadie's eyes opened, that Sadie's mouth left James, and only to whisper his name, "James James James James." every time a finger made it's way inside. His lips had to occupy themselves, and sought out her breasts. He kissed, he sucked, and James rolled his tongue around making Sadie squirm. She, however, had enough. Sadie grabbed James' hand and closed her eyes, shaking her head. Her hair, which had been in some messy bun, was now fallen down, barely held together. It looked perfect, if only to James, and he didn't want to tease her anymore. So, in a rare moment, James took things slow and positioned himself just right to enter Sadie.

With every inch, Sadie moaned a whispered, low moan. It could have sent James over the edge, just the sound of her pleasure, but he knew how to hold off. Especially for Sadie. At first, and much to Sadie's enjoyment, his thrust were slow. She clawed at his back and burried her face in James neck - kissing softly at the skin. James' face was in her hair, and the mixture of Sadie's shampoo - something with a Lilac extract - and her sweating off her perfume was intoxicating. His thrusting started to pick up, to the soundtrack of James' grunts, Sadie's moaning and the erotic slapping of skin. And then, Sadie made that noise, a specific sort of animalistic moan that Sadie always made before she was done and James was quick to catch up. He wanted them to finish together, and he had no reason or logic behind it. So, the patterns of his hips meeting hers became more frantic and Sadie kept moaning and clawing and screaming until James kissed her and gave one final, vital thrust. Both of them were mumbling incoherent words against their lips.

James said, "Fuck."

Sadie whispred, "Jesus."

James grunted out something like, "Oh, Christ, Sadie."

And Sadie kissed him, hard, moaning, "I love you, James."

James thanked his lucky stars and kissed his rabbit for the fact that Kendall didn't walk in last night. It was only after Sadie had fallen asleep that James scrambled over to the bedroom door and closed it - still naked, still in Heaven. The sun was just now barely creeping through the blinds. But, James didn't need the light to know Sadie was still there. His Sadie was laying next to him. His Sadie was sleeping, soundly, nuzzled up underneath his arm, her breath even. His Sadie was his - completely, entirely, with every fiber of her being, after all this time. She stirred, settling more into his chest, and making James smile. In her sleep, Sadie mumbled, but James heard three very distinct words, moaned out through tired lips, "Right there, James."

He felt a wave of deserved arrogance wash over him, with a cocksure grin. The clock on his bedside table read eight-fifty-two in the morning, unforunately. And, as much as he'd love to stay in this place, with this girl, he had a meeting with the boys and Gustavo at ten o'clock. Sharp. So, he shook her. And, when that didn't work, he kissed her temple, smoothed her hair and whispered against her ear, "Sades, get up."

She moved, barely, but nothing more happene. So, James smiled a Satan-laced smile, and wiggled himself underneath the covers. He was positioned over Sadie's legs, perfectly, and used one hand to nudge them open. Down on his elbows, James settled in a familiar place. He started kissing his way around her lower body - from her left knee up her thigh, to her hip and across, then down the right side. But, it was only when James' lips came into contact with hers that Sadie opened her eyes and her mouth, gasping, "Oh, God."

To which James cleverly replied, "You're more than welcome to just call me James."

Sadie smacked his head under the blackets and shushed him, "Less talking, more of what you were doing."

James sat up, pulling the covers with him - exposing himself and Sadie in the process. They were back to where they'd been the previous night. Just staring at each other's body - but with the help of the daylight. She was so beautiful in the morning light, laying there in front of him with her hair messed and a goofy smile on her face. She was completely nude, completely organic Sadie. It was something to see. And, whn she giggled and covered her face like a bashful school girl, James smiled. His hands wrapped around her wrists and pulled, lips immediately on hers, "Good morning."

"Good morning." James was other wordly to Sadie. Even with his sex hair/bed head combination, he was without flaws. He smile down at her with this look in his eyes, one she recognized as love and it twisted her stomach in knots. She wanted to be happy and ignore the pending conversation; the one questioning her commitment. But, that look in his dazzling green eyes made her sick, because she was nervous for the future, nervous for herself, and nervous for James, "We should talk."

Sadie saw James glance at the clock, which now read nine-oh-one. "Yeah, now?"

"Yeah." She laughed and hoped that she didn't sound too eager to avoid it, "Why, do you need to be somewhere?" Her tone sounded more offended than anything, but, she saved it with, "'Cause that's cool."

James chuckled, kissed her again, and told her, "I've got a meeting at ten, we're good for another forty-five minutes." He pushed himself up, draped the comforter over Sadie and crossed the room - his perfectly sculpted ass a distracting sight. "Provided that you don't mind me getting dressed while we talk."

Sadie shook her head, "Normally, I'd have a problem with you wearing clothes." When he tugged up his white boxer briefs, hiding her final distraction, Sadie added, "But, I guess it's fine."

"Good." James sifted through drawers, "Now, talk."

She looked at him, her chin resting on her blanket-covered knees, and took in a deep breath, "Whatexactlyarewedoing?" It came out rushed and like one solid word.

And, though James knew what she was talking about, he pulled on a v-neck and pulled out a smartass answer, "Talkig." Then, he picked up his old lucky comb, making his hair presentable, and corrected his sarcasm, "Honestly, I'd like you call you my girlfriend, again."

Sadie nodded. It wasn't that she didn't want that, too. It wasn't that she didn't want to rush - the opposite, in fact. There was only one thing holding her back, and there was no other way to say it, except, "I'm scared."

James had busied himself, pulling on his skinny jeans in record time. It was only nine fifteen, now, and Sadie wasn't really prepared for a thirty minute conversation. James, apparently wasn't either, "That's it?" James smirked, "You're scared."

He stepped out of the room and reappeared mid-Sadie sentence with a toothbrush in his mouth, "Yes, I mean, of course. I fucked things up with you once." James left and spit, then returned and sprayed himself in a Ke$ha-type shower, "And, then I fucked things up with PJ." He sat at the end of the bed, "Who is to say I'm not going to do it again?"

James shrugged, "Me."

"That's not good enough." Sadie smirked, "You're the farthest thing from a reliable source, Diamond."

"I'm not doing this." James fell back onto the mattress, "It's a yes or no answer. I mean," And then he got a kooky, goofy, crazy smile on his face, "Don't forget, I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Sadie laughed, hard and loud, "Thank you for that insight, Julia Roberts. But, for once, I'm being serious."

"Me, too." James sat up, "I mean, everything would be so much easier if I could just walk away and not care. I wish I knew how to quit you, Sadie Grant."

"Brokeback Diamond." Sadie sat up, herself, so she was looking James in the eye, "Alright, let's play this game. But, listen to me, Mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't forget it." She bit her lip and raised her eyebrow, "That line would have been so much better if I was dating Kendall."

"So we're dating?" James smiled, "Because, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

"Shut up, Diamond." Sadie smiled. And she wasn't nervous anymore, she wasn't scared, she was normal and happy and fine. So, he kissed him, "You had me at, 'Hello'."

James grinned, kissed her and stood. He smoothed her hair, again and glanced at the clock, "I really should go. But, stay as long as you want. I'll be back in two hours, the latest."

Sadie nodded, "As you wish."

"And take a shower." James was already half out of his bedroom when he shouted that back a Sadie. She shook her head and laughed, "You smell like you got your world rocked last night."

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EVERYONE: i am so fucking sorry. i love you, please love me. you like?

the movie quotes used in this were from The Notebook, Jerry McGuire, On Golden Pond, The Princess Bride, Brokeback Mountain and Notting Hill. i love you crazy bitches, for reals and for keeps.