Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Bella's POV
I sank onto my bed and let the sadness overtake me. I was sobbing. Harder then I ever had before. Harder then when Phil died, when Jacob cheated on me. Even harder then when I got raped. The pain and aloneness I felt now was a hundred times worse then any pain I had ever felt. It was complete and utter torture.
I was alone. Sure I had Renee, I had Charlie. But the Cullen's were my family. Sweet, caring and motherly Esme. Kind, considerate Carlisle. Huge, joking and fun loving Emmett. Feisty, cheery, friendly Alice. And Edward. Loving, sweet, passionate. I missed him the most.
And then the Hale's too. I didn't know the parents too well but Jasper and Rosalie. Beautiful and kind Rosalie. Mellow and soothing Jasper. I missed them. All of them. It was like I was missing a part of myself- like half of my heart had been ripped out.
I stood and made my way over to my window, to just look at the house that held the people I loved. I could see Alice in her room, directly across from me. It broke my heart. She was frowning; something that Alice hardly ever did. And it looked like she had been crying. She was staring out the window, not looking towards me, but looking out in the distance, deep in thought.
I continued to watch her until she finally left the room, out of my sight. I desperately wanted her to come back, so I could watch her again. I knew it was slightly creepy, watching her like this. But I wanted to see what I was missing, see the people I loved so much, even if it was only from a distance. I stood at the window and kept watching for a few minutes.
And then suddenly he ran across the street, headed straight for my doorstep. I jumped up without thinking and ran downstairs, not wanting Renee to answer the door. He hadn't knocked yet and I took a deep breath, carefully composing my face, before grabbing the doorknob and pulling it open.
He had one hand raised in a fist, like he was about to knock. His face was a mixture of surprise and pain. I just wanted to toss myself into his arms and kiss him all over. I don't even know how I held myself back.
"I thought I told you to stay away," I whispered, trying desperately to keep my voice even, to hide my emotions. I saw the pain flit through his eyes as I said this and I bit my lip, trying to hold back tears.
"I know but…" he paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, looking down at his feet. His next words came out in a rush. "I can understand if you don't love me anymore Bella. But I don't think that this should affect your friendship with Alice. I know she loves you and you guys are best friends." My already worn heart broke again at his words. He thought I didn't love him. He truly believed I didn't love him. How very far from the truth he was. I love you I wanted to yell, to kiss him fiercely. I love you. But I wouldn't cause Renee that pain, not again. Even if I was causing myself pain.
"No Edward," I choked, tears streaming down my face. He would get over me eventually, his pain would go away, I told myself. Renee will be happy and Edward will move on. Everyone will be happy. Except me. "I can't see any of you. Or the Hale's. I'm sorry." And I truly was sorry. So, so sorry to be causing him pain. An angel like him didn't deserve this pain and he deserved someone better then me.
"But why Bella?" he begged. His voice was desperate and pained and all I wanted to do was admit everything. Tell him that I was causing Renee too much pain. I opened my mouth, to say what, I don't know. But then Edward froze and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away from it, but tried to hold still, to please Renee. Her fingers burnt me like fire, bringing back memories I tried so desperately to avoid.
"We're about to have dinner, Edward," Renee said. I was shocked by how cold and harsh her voice was, how mean she was being. "If you'll excuse us." And she pulled me away, closing the door. I got one last glimpse of Edward's shocked eyes before the door was slammed shut. I quickly moved away from Renee's touch and she turned at me, hurt in her eyes.
"I thought you were going to stay away from him," she whispered, half angry half hurt. Why couldn't I do anything right? I wondered. I'm causing everyone pain. It's all my fault.
"I didn't know he was coming. He wanted to know why I couldn't see Alice," I explained, my voice hoarse from crying. Renee walked to the kitchen and I followed her, dropping into one of the kitchen chairs, trying to control the tears that flowed furiously down my face.
"I don't want any of them stopping by like that," Renee said, her voice hard.
"I know. I'm sorry." I seemed to be apologizing a lot lately. Renee just sighed before dropping some chicken onto my plate. I cut off a piece and ate it without tasting it. I wasn't hungry really. Suddenly, the phone rang, loud and shrill. Renee jumped up to answer it.
"Hello?" she answered, her voice polite and kind. And then suddenly her eyes narrowed. "Oh. Hello Esme." Her tone was suddenly cold and harsh, the same tone she used when she talked to Edward. I jumped up to try and listen but she waved me away. I sat back at the table and listened intently. "Are you trying to raise my child for me Esme? Because I am perfectly capable!" she snapped. My eyes widened. Esme was Renee's best friend practically. And Renee was being a total jerk to her!
"Mom," I whispered, my voice incredulous. She held up a finger to shush me before continuing with her phone conversation.
"If what? If she got back together with Edward? Do you even care about Bella? Do you only want your son to be happy even if it's not what's best for my daughter?" she half shouted hysterically into the phone. "Sure. You don't just want Edward to be happy," Renee said, her voice sarcastic. Esme said something back and Renee just slammed the phone back onto the receiver, her face livid. She sank back into a kitchen chair, her shoulders slumped, and began stabbing at her chicken with a fork. I was too scared to say anything. After a few minutes of silence, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Mom?" I said, my voice hardly a whisper. She looked up at me, her eyes going soft.
"Sorry honey. I was just frustrated," she said simply, trying to drop the subject.
"Why were you mean to Esme?" I asked. "You're friends." She bit her lip and looked at me, her eyes worried.
"I don't…like how she is tying to tell me what to do. It's my life, I should run it," she said. I wanted to tell her that's how I felt. I wanted to run my life. I wanted to see my friends, my love.
"Oh," I said instead, dropping my eyes back to my food. I had eaten a few bites of chicken. I pushed the plate away, looking at the clock. It was already 6:30 and I had therapy till seven.
"I'd better go," I said quietly. I stood up, grabbing my cell phone off of the table. I didn't know how I was going to get through this without Edward.
"Okay sweetie," Renee said instantly. "Do you want a ride?"
"No, no," I said too quickly. Pain flashed in her eyes. "I'll drive myself. But thank you."
"No problem dear," she responded. I didn't know what had gotten into her with all of the sudden pet names but I didn't really like it.
"Bye," I said, quickly darting out of the house and to the car. Once I got into the car I turned on the radio, the music reminding me of Edward. As I drove, I wondered what he would do if he was here right now. Probably hold my hand and sing along to all the songs I'd never heard of. I'd never know.
All too soon I was at Rhonda's office. I sat in the waiting room, crossing my legs, biting my lip nervously. Rhonda came out and I saw her eyes zero in on the empty chair next to me.
"Come on in Bella," she said kindly. "Will Edward be joining us tonight?"
"No," I answered quietly. She nodded and led me into the office. She sat in her desk and I sat across from her, curling myself up into a ball as I sat on the couch.
"Where is Edward, Bella?" Rhonda asked seriously.
"At his house I'm assuming," I said, my tone sarcastic. I didn't care if I was being rude. I didn't want to talk about this.
"Why didn't he come with you?" she asked. I just shrugged. "Are you two still together?" I shrugged once again but she must have seen the pain in my eyes and figured it out. She placed her clipboard onto her desk, leaning over slightly to peer at me from behind her glasses. It made me uncomfortable to have her staring so intently.
"Bella," she said slowly. "Will you tell me what happened?" She sounded like a concerned friend but I didn't trust her.
"No," I answered firmly.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Because." She sighed.
"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" she pressed.
"Nope," I said instantly. "Can I go?"
"No, you have until eight," Rhonda said calmly. "What's wrong Bella? You were much more open last time?" I just shrugged again.
"If you brought someone here would it make you feel better?" she asked again. I shook my head. "Not even a friend? Your mother?" I snorted out loud when she said my mother.
"Why wouldn't you want to bring your mother?" she asked instantly and I regretted laughing. But I would never open up in front of Renee, I would just hurt her more. I shrugged again and she sighed.
"I'd like you to call your mother. What's her name?" Rhonda asked softly.
"Renee," I answered. "And I'm not calling her."
"I would just like to chat with her," Rhonda said. "You won't even have to be in the room with me." I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Fine." I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Renee's number.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Mom it's me," I said. "My therapist wants you to come up."
"Why?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Okay, I'll be there in ten minutes," she said eagerly. We quickly said our goodbyes and I hung up.
"She's coming," I told Rhonda.
"Last time you were here," Rhonda began in a voice that made it clear she had been thinking this during my conversation with Renee. "You told me how much you love Edward. I doubt that could change in a day."
"It didn't," I said, so quietly I was sure she couldn't hear me. But she did.
"So you do love him still?" she pressed. I nodded. "Then why aren't you two together?" I could hear the curiosity and confusion in her voice.
"I can't see Edward or my friends anymore," I informed her.
"How come?" she asked, her voice surprised.
"I just can't," I answered firmly, in a voice that dropped the subject. But apparently Rhonda didn't hear it.
"Why?" she hedged.
"Because," I snapped.
"You love him," she stated. I nodded, agreeing. "But you can't see him." I nodded again. "Did he break up with you?"
"No," I said, my voice saturated with pain.
"Did you break up with him?" she asked, her voice incredulous. She clearly wasn't understanding. I nodded. "Why?"
"Because I can't see him anymore!" I yelled. She looked taken aback slightly but she quickly regained composure.
"This doesn't sound like your decision," she noted.
"It wasn't," I whispered. And then her intercom buzzed.
"Mrs. Dwyer, here to see you," a scratchy voice said.
"That's my mom," I informed her, since she looked confused.
"You have different last names?" she asked.
"I kept my fathers name. she got remarried," I replied. She nodded.
"Tell her to come in," she said into the intercom. The door opened and I saw my mother walk nervously into the room.
"Hello, Mrs. Dwyer," Rhonda said.
"Renee," she corrected.
"Renee. I'm Rhonda Baker. You can call me Rhonda," she introduced. They shook hands.
"It's nice to meet you," Renee said sincerely. Rhonda nodded.
"Bella," she said casually to me. "Would you go into the waiting room for a moment? I'd like to talk to your mother."
"Sure," I said eagerly, anything to leave this room. I half ran from the room and dropped into the nearest chair, right by the door. I could hear Renee and Rhonda talking in the other room and I eavesdropped, even though I knew it was wrong.
"I'm worried about Bella," I heard Rhonda say. "What happened with her and Edward?" I could just imagine my mother stiffening at this, probably trying to figure out what to say. I briefly wondered if she would tell the truth.
"Bella was unhealthily obsessed with the Cullen and Hale families," Renee said, her voice cold and formal. "We both agreed that she should separate herself from them so she could heal properly." I snorted at this and the secretary looked at me oddly. But I couldn't help it. "We" didn't agree to this. Renee did. And it wasn't going to help me heal; it was going to make me worse. Even I knew that.
"I don't think that's the best idea," Rhonda said stiffly. "I could clearly see the…intensity of her love with Edward and his for her. She was much more open with him around and I felt that with his encouragement, she would actually open up to him or myself, heal quicker." I wanted Renee to change her mind so desperately it was like a physical aching.
"I don't agree," Renee snapped. "She was only opening to him. It was unhealthy. She couldn't be away from him for more then a few hours, if that. She was distancing herself from her family."
"But once she opened up to him," Rhonda said, her voice slightly desperate. She wanted Renee to understand this as much as I did. "Then she would feel more comfortable opening up to others. She would have eventually been able to spend more time away from him, but I doubt she would want to. They were clearly in love. She would have opened up to him eventually. Without him, she might never open up." It was true. I would never tell anyone what truly happened. I might have told Edward, but now I couldn't. And if I couldn't tell Edward then I wouldn't tell anyone.
"No! Bella and I have grown much closer and she will open up to me," Renee said. I rolled my eyes at this. I wasn't going to open up to anyone anytime soon, especially not Renee.
"I doubt that. She is very closed up right now, she doesn't want to talk to anyone. But she would have talked to Edward. I know it," Rhonda was saying.
"Well I'm not allowing her to see him. It's not happening," Renee said, cutting her off. "I'm sorry." I heard Rhonda heave a sigh.
"Okay. I can see our views are different on this. You may go. Tell Bella I'll see her next week," she said. I could hear her distaste for my mothers decisions in her voice.
"Goodbye," Renee said, spitting out the word. She came storming out of the office. "Come on Bella," she said to me. I stood and followed her, waving goodbye to Rhonda.
Any hope that I had allowed myself to feel went spilling out of me. Renee wasn't going to change her mind, that much was clear. She wouldn't listen to Esme, her best friend. She wouldn't listen to me, her own daughter. And she wouldn't listen to Rhonda, the professional.
I climbed into my car and Renee left in hers. I just cried into my hands, letting the broken hope crush me.
When was this going to end?
A/N: Okay so now you see more of Renee's thoughts, some of her reasoning. I know she may seem like a total bitch, but she is doing what she thinks is best for Bella. REVIEW!!