The students have recently shown up for their classes. The halls are no longer empty. My room is back in working order, but I never sleep there. Severus explained that he didn't want anyone to know about our relationship, and though I wanted to scream it from all the towers, I told him that I would respect his wishes.
I never knew there was so much to this teaching thing. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but after explaining a simple transformation numerous times and still having students confused, it's bruising to one's pride. Severus has little time for our relationship, but I already knew this would be the case. He stays up late sometimes not coming to bed until well into the a.m., and then waking up early. He's meticulous in his grading and though I originally thought he showed much slack to his Slytherin students, I've noticed red lines on even their papers. We've not been intimate since that night, it's hard enough just to get him to bed before the sun comes up.
Most nights he patrols the halls and I accompany him as padfoot. He never says so, but he likes the company. He takes his job seriously, and I've found higher respect for him.
"Sirius, change into Padfoot now, and don't change back." He says suddenly. I hear a faint charm go off. "I would prefer you stay in the room, but I know that won't happen." I change as he asked me to. He opens the door and a timid first year walks in.
"Ms Walks, you understand that is it past your curfew." She nods scared.
"You said the first night that if we needed anything to ask you, and I didn't know who else I could ask." She suddenly blurts out. She looks near tears and her face is burning. Her bottom lip is quivering. He nods gently.
"I have been the Slytherin head of house for many years. There is nothing you can tell me that I haven't already dealt with." Her hand holds her arms as she looks down. "Would you like to sit down." She shakes her head rapidly. Neither sit down. "Is it about classes. Or are you merely homesick." She bites her lip hard. "Are you being bullied or abused in any way." She continues to shake her head. Suddenly he starts nodding to himself. "Ms. Walks. When I was a student here I had a really close female friend. During that time I cannot count the number of time I went with her to the medical wing for sanitary napkins. It became such a common thing that I started keeping them on hand just in case she needed one." The girl calms down slightly. "I have some if you needed them, or I can accompany you to the medical wing tonight if you would like."
She starts crying slightly.
"Thank you, I was really worried, cuz you're a boy and I didn't know how to talk about it." He lets her cry for a moment.
"If you go into that room and look under the sink you will find them. Take as many as you need if you are to embarrassed to go ask Poppy." She thanks him again and leaves the room. When she returns she looks much more comfortable.
"Thank you." He nods.
"And I'll see you in detention in one week for skipping class tomorrow morning. I'll see to it that you do not get behind." She smiles for a moment and laughs.
"Thank you sir." The moment she leaves the room to return to her dormitories I change back.
"Softy."
"Hardly. I gave her detention."
"And permission to skip classes in the morning."
"All of the head of houses do this type of thing. She was terrified and it's late. She would have been exhausted tomorrow and that's dangerous in a potions classroom."
"You do this a lot."
"I already told you. I'm the head of house. I've had students come to me because of nightmares, abusive situations both from parents and a boy or girlfriends. I had students come to me about joining the dark lord. Those were the most difficult. I had to be cautious not to give myself away while not condemning them either. Dealing when young girls coming of age in also incredibly common. Eleven and Twelve are a very common age for young girls to get their first period. Not all feel comfortable coming to me, but the ones that do, I will not scare off. It's completely natural."
"We teased you about having those female things with you."
"Pads. Yes. You did."
"I mean yea, I assumed they were for Lily, but I didn't know why you had them."
"She was forgetful and easily embarrassed about asking random girls for them. So I made it a point to always have at least a couple. It's not a big deal."
"Severus. The war is over. You don't have to pretend about anything anymore."
"It's not that simple."
"You shouldn't feel the need to hide anything. If you want to read a romance book you shouldn't have to hide it behind a potions book."
"Sirius. People have an image of myself that they perceive me to be. I'm sure you understand that. I have no need for everyone to know embarrassing things about me."
"Like that you love romantic comedies and musicals."
"Exactly. There is no point to anyone knowing."
"But it makes you more human."
"Well. It's better if people think of me as the old bat of the dungeons."
"You don't really care for your animas form do you?"
"I hate heights. Of course that would mean I end up being something that flies. I don't dislike it. It comes in handy. Like when sneaking into Azkaban." I drop the cup and it shatters.
"That was you. I just thought there was something wrong with the thing. Even after I tried to eat it, it always came right up to me." He sighs. "Fuck. You brought me food, I would have starved. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"It wasn't something I thought you needed to know, but that's probably why I couldn't be mad at you about pretending to be a dog. I've heard you rant about things that I had no business knowing." I can't stop pacing.
"I tried to kill you the first time."
"You were hungry. That's the main reason I brought food, so that you wouldn't try to eat me again." He laughs slightly at the horridness of it.
"Why do I always try to hurt you? I didn't even know it was you and I tried to hurt you."
"Because you're an asshole that liked hurting things smaller than you." Speaking of smaller. It looks like he's gained a bit of weight. His ribs don't jut out dangerously anymore. He pulls at the high collar of his robes.
"Why do you still wear them?" His arms wrap around himself carefully.
"Just because you've seen them doesn't mean I like to see them. Even with the potion covering them up, I still know they are there. I don't want to see them. And it's not just for modesty's sake. The dungeons are my home, but they are also freezing during the warmest part of the year."
"Will you hide them from me. The scars."
"No." He sighs. "You'd just do that again."
"And what do you mean by that." I whisper in his ear. His cheeks glow slightly.
"Kiss them." He strangles out.
"We did a lot more than kiss." His shoulders are tense. His eyes tightly shut. His cheeks are dusted with a rosy shade. "You've been a softy for a long time, you've just gotten better about hiding it." He looks down slightly.
"What if I have?" My fingers grip his hair and I pull him to my lips. Lips comfortably move against mine, and when he pulls away his eyes are hazy. "I have some papers that I need to finish grading."
"Yeah you do." I grab his hand and move him to the bedroom.
"And I need to finish working out my lesson plan for the next week."
"I know." His hand tightens around mine.
"And I have other brewing that I need to do."
"You'll get it done." His hand doesn't pull away.
"And I should probably look over the halls to make sure no students are out past curfew."
"I'm sure several are roaming the halls."
"Sirius. I'm tired."
"Well it is late. Come to bed." I kiss his cheek while pulling him beside me. Since term has started the lines in his face have become more prominent. His eyes- though still focused- tired. His hair has returned to looking greasy, but I've come to understand working for eight hours in a closed off dungeon with potion fumes will do that.
"I have too much to do for sleep." I pull him on top of me.
"Getting more than four hours of sleep is more important than anything." He fights back a yawn in protest, but I watch his eyes slide closed.
"This isn't a big deal. During the second war it was much worse. I didn't have time to sleep, and when I did, I would have such horrible nightmares that I would refuse sleep. I relied on potions to keep me awake. I would go months with only a couple hours of sleep. Just using the potions. I was terrified of falling asleep."
"Why didn't you use a dreamless sleep draught?"
"Because I have the tendency to become addicted to them.. When I was a student here I took it every night. I needed it. Otherwise I would wake up my roommates with screaming. Until I moved into this room that is. Lily and I were very close. If I asked her to she would stay in my room with me. It helped me sleep."
"I know you miss her." He's not resisting when I wrap my arm around his narrow frame.
"I think we were so close because I didn't have to express my feelings to her. And I never was very good at explaining why I do things. She understood. She knew the things that I wanted to say sometimes before I knew. She was my sister. I love her." His voice doesn't betray any sadness, but I know it's there.
"You have a lot of people that care about you." He yawns slightly.
"I guess I do." He states. "Frankly it's about time."
"So be honest. Do you actually like kids? You act like you hate them, but you take being a head of house very seriously."
"They need someone looking out for them. I don't dislike them, but teenagers are cruel creatures. That never changes."
"So you wouldn't want any kids in the future."
"No. Neither biologically mine nor adopted ones. I would hate to fuck up some child just because I'm incapable of caring for one correctly. And eventually she would find out that I was once a death eater. I'd be to ashamed to face her after that."
"She?" He stiffens slightly.
"I will admit to considering adoption. With the war many children are left without parents, and If I were to adopt I would want a daughter."
"I bet you'd be a good mother."
"Go fuck yourself. Even if I am a bottom, I'm still a man." His words have no bite to them. "And I'm to busy to properly care for a child."
"It wouldn't be so difficult. You could rely on her father." He stiffens.
"I don't know what you are implying."
"I'm only saying that I would like children and that I have no intentions of ending our relationship." His fingers curl into my sleep robes. "Severus, I will not push anything on you. If you don't want children of our own then we wouldn't. But I know both of us would be good parents, and like you said, a lot of children are without parents."
"Are you considering something long term with me." The words are a whisper. I don't understand at first.
"Severus, you know that I want to be with you."
"Yes, but now you are speaking of longer, maybe even the rest of our lives. I didn't realize you meant this."
"Are you against me loving you for the rest of my life." I can only see his ears change color.
"No. I'm not against it." The answer is neutral, but I can hear the slight edge of happiness in his voice. My lips ghost against his head. I want to touch him. We've yet to make love. And we haven't been intimate since the night I kissed all of his scars; I've been itching to feel him again, but his light snores pull me back to reality. Let him sleep.
For all of his angry looks and threatening demeanor, he's a cuddlier. I've never been one to let a woman lay on top of me all night, I'm still not. Him laying on top of me so innocently only entices my arousal. But when I let him lay on top of me, he rarely has nightmares-however most nights I wake to him performing spells to clean sheets. He's always embarrassed about the nocturnal emissions.
In his sleep he is always expressive. Just his soft panting is enough to make me hard, but when his fist clutches my robes in need It's all I can do not to violate him in his sleep. I desire him. When his lithe body softly presses into me I groan audibly. Unconsciously he grinds against my leg. I will not touch him while he is unconscious. I know it would make him hesitant to share a bed with me. I shake him gently loathing waking him. When he groggily opens his eyes my heart clinches.
"Severus, you became aroused in your sleep." This wakes him up slightly. He apologizes repeatedly while trying to excuse himself. I don't let him go. "You looked delicious grinding against me. It really turned me on." I hold his hand gently in my own and pull it down to my erection. He's still hesitant to do anything intimate with me surpassing kissing and laying with me at night. "Severus, when you are unconscious, you know exactly what you want. You're so needy and hungry to be pleasured. Wouldn't you like that while you are awake." I'm shocked when he timidly nods. I dream of the day I take him the first time. "If you want me to make you feel good you only have to say so." His cheek is warm against my lips and even this only arouses me.
His night shirt has ridden up and all I can see is the curve of his back. He doesn't notice. My fingers tips trace the small of his back. They follow the path leading to his shoulders, and though his eyes are large and calculating, he doesn't stop me. He lets me remove his shirt. I smile when he makes no attempts to hide his scarred chest. He lets me look openly.
"Sirius, I would like.." He pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts. His lip trapped between his teeth. While he gathers his thoughts my thumb travels over his creamy chest and teases a pale pink nub. Dark orbs grow hazy. Any man could recognize that need. My forehead rests on his shoulder for a moment. Restraining myself is exhausting. Severus hasn't regained his speech.
"What would you like Severus." His eyes are tightly shut and his hands grasp the front of my robes. They shake timidly.
"I would like to touch you. You have seen me without clothes many times." I kiss right below his ear.
"Maybe so, but you've used polyjuice potion to see all of me. That was really naughty. And you did it without my permission." He's quiet for a moment.
"I knew I would have never been able to get your permission. I know that makes what I did ever more of an invasion and I apologize." I press my lips against the pulse point on his neck.
"I was never upset. I'll admit when I first heard you and Remus talking about it I was stunned, but not ever angry. You were so cute when no one was watching." I softly bite his right nipple and he shakily exhales. "And you are cute now as well." I grasp his twitching erection and instinctively he thrusts into my hand. "I can't wait till everyone knows that you're mine."
"No. Don't want anyone to know." I suck on his ear lobe.
"Why not." I whisper out. He chokes on his moan. "You never answer me. Why don't you want anyone to know about us." I release my erection and he wastes no time stroking me. "Tell me." His eyes are fearful as he's torn between his need and insecurities. I'm asking him to drop another shield. While we dance around our sexual desires I'm asking him to expose parts of himself that he's let time scab over. I reach between us to release his own needy member when he pulls slightly back. Instinctively he's recoiled from my touch.
I take his hand from his hips where he's defensively holding his boxers in place. I kiss his palm then hold it to my chest. His eyes shift watching my every movement.
"Do you feel how my heart is pounding. I love you. I will love you for the remainder of my life. That means that I don't want to hide you or our relationship from others. I want to be able to hold you in my arms whenever I desire without worrying over who is around." His face is flushed. "It also means that I want to pleasure you and be pleasured. Please don't hide yourself from me. I want all of you." His flat hand is pressed securely against my chest. "And I'm nervous too. I've never been with a male before and I'm not confidant that I can please you fully, but I'm going to try and I'll learn what turns you on and how you like to be touched."
"I'm not… I've never." My hand cups his face and I brush our lips. "I do not enjoy pain and in my experience, the one in the female role is always in pain." I kiss his cheek.
"You aren't hurting when you play with yourself. When you use those toys." I feel the heat radiating off of his cheeks. "I would be gentle with your body. But I am not asking for sex tonight, we have the rest of our lives. Tonight all I want is to know why you are against anyone knowing that we are together." His eyes lock on his hands being securely held.
"I still have some grading to do. I'm to busy tonight for any of this." He leaves me without another thought.
Laying back in bed, I wonder over what else I could do. How can I put him at ease. How can I get him to confide in me. I shift into padfoot and walk into the sitting room. He's sitting on the loveseat, and although there are papers in his lap he makes no moves to grade. I lay on my back in front of him exposing my belly to show that I want it rubbed. He shows no hesitancies in doing just that. His hands would be enough to make me fall in love with him, but that vulnerable side does me in. Those eyes that go from being steel to gooey.
"No one would believe that we are together. They would assume that I put you under a love potion. And if they did believe that you genuinely pursued me numerous people would state the obvious that I am not good enough for you. I just want to have something without being judged about it." I nuzzle against his hand. "And I know you would be gentle, I'm just not use to being treated like a girl. Even those times that I was…" He pauses. "you know. They didn't do it because they thought of me as a girl. It was only to break me. I don't know how to think about being taken willingly. To submit to someone willingly." His nails scratch my tender belly. "When I was a student I learned that if I busied myself. If I didn't give myself a moments rest then I wouldn't have time to realize how unhappy I am. How inadequate." I shift back and pull him down to the floor on top of me.
With the close proximity I can feel his erection. He makes no movements to pull away; he makes no movements to shift closer. His dark eyes lock with mine. I can see everything in those dark needy eyes.
"Severus, the people close to us already know we are together. They are the opinions of the people who matter. All of them deeply care about both of us, and all of them have threatened to hurt me if I ever hurt you. Because none of them worry that you wouldn't be loving in this relationship. They only worry that I won't be. And I will." I stretch my arms out to lay firmly on his back. "Severus, if you don't want to be the submissive one in the bedroom you don't have to. I know that you are a man. I will never see you as something less than that, and if you would prefer being the dominate one you can. I've already told you I'm fine in whatever role you want me to be in."
"You love me." It's a statement. Like a fact he tastes on his lips. I smile up at him.
"I don't know why it took me so long to realize it. I was so cruel to you." I watch his fingers clinch my robes. His finger tips are slightly off colored from decades of working with potions. Permanently stained. Those long digits are so graceful. I want to taste them. I want to bring them to my lips. To taste where he's been. I'm sure they will taste bitter. "But only you could always hold my attention. Everyone knew the rumors about me. About my numerous conquests. Most of them were older girls. Girls that held no modesty when it came to sex. It was casual and fun. None of them expected me to give them my heart, and none of them wanted it." I enjoy that tint of jealousy in those expressive eyes. "I didn't care to learn half of their names, and usually after both of our lust was sated we parted ways and didn't care to find each other again. Since the first time I met you I could never forget your name." He's shifting awkwardly, and I know he isn't accustomed to being talked to in this way.
"Sirius.." I press my fingers to his mouth.
"Please let me finish. I need to say this." He nods. "The first time on the train when you were talking to Lily about wanting to be put in Slytherin. I wanted to tell you how evil that house is. I was furious that you would want to go to that house, and I never understood why."
"Your parents shoved Slytherin pureblood propaganda down your windpipe at every chance." I smile at his words.
"Yes, but why is it that it only bothered me to hear you say that. When Lily said she wanted to be in the same house as you, I wasn't angry at her. When other children I grew up with wanted to be put in Slytherin like their family, I wasn't angry at them. Only you." My fingers find a lock of his hair and I hold it tightly. "When McGonagall called Severus Snape up to be sorted, I held my breath. Then he said Slytherin. You didn't seem happy even though it was the house you wanted."
"I knew that a friendship with Lily would be hard if we were in different houses let alone rival ones."
"When they called my name just a few after yours I was relieved. I sat down and it felt like forever before the hat was placed on my head. I knew I would be put in Slytherin. Every one of my family members were. Both of my parents. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. I knew that is where I would be going. And I was angry about it, but I was also relieved. I wanted to be in the same house as you. I didn't know why. When the hat didn't say Slytherin I was confused."
"Why did you want to be in the same house as me? You hated me."
"I don't think I did. I felt very strongly for you. I felt that you were mine and in my youth not being able to understand why I was pulled to you, I took it as hatred. Severus, I have not felt deeply for anyone that I have been with, and I'm worried that I may prove to be a bit possessive. When I found out that you were touched and it wasn't by me I was angry. A part of me wanted to take out that anger at you because that is what I have always done. Another part wanted to hunt down every shit-bag that defiled your perfect body. A part of me still wants to do that."
His body is tense and his eyes calculating.
"Severus, I want to touch you. I want to run my hands over your body. I want to worship every inch until you can think of no one's touches but my own. I want to make you cum so much that your body feels like liquid. I want to litter your skin with so many hickies that they out number your scars. That way every time you undress you aren't filled with sadness, and instead you are reminded of how much I love you." His erection twitches against my torso, but his eyes are locked with mine. "Severus, I want to call out your name during sex until it's the only word I know. I want to make love to you so tenderly that you could never doubt my love. I want to rut until we both feel too dirty to look each other in the eyes. Severus I want you to touch me. I want you to run your hands over my body. I want you to worship every inch until I can think of no one's touches but yours. I want you to make me cum so much that my body feels like liquid. I want you to call out my name until it's the only word you know. Severus, I want you to love me. There will be time for arguments. There will be time for insecurities. We can settle everything. I just want you." The last of his resolve breaks and his lips crash into mine.
His mouth devours mine and I'm reminded of how passionate he is. His fingers pull on my hair; it would be painful if it didn't turn me on so much. He's shifting where his leg is in-between mine and mine in-between his. Neither of us care to breathe. Letting him taste every crevice of my mouth is more important than oxygen. His tongue is like sugar and when I suck on that sweet appendage his dick twitches against my thigh. A low growl like moan follows. It takes me forever to realize that sound is coming from his vocal cords.
His fingers twitch against my robes not knowing how to proceed, but his lips hold no hesitancies. I feel the bridge of his nose against my jaw and his breath against the hallow of my neck. Teeth graze the flesh before puncturing. It's painful. It's erotic as fuck. Light kisses dot the skin apologetically. His graceful fingers grasp my hair as if it's a float thrown in the water and he's a drowning man. He kisses me like the oxygen in my lungs is the last breathable air. When he pulls away we are both gasping from the passion. When we pull away realization returns to his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I lost myself for a second." He has a half crazed smile of his face like he's trying to downplay his embarrassment. "Wanted to do that for a long time."
"Fuck. Don't stop now." My hand on the back of his neck pulls him back down. Our lips meet. His hands are groping frantically. Touching wherever his wrists lead them. They venture under my shirt without hesitancy. The pads of his fingers map out the expansion of my chest. His movement is frenzied like I'll change my mind. I let him dominate the kiss enjoying the bold possessiveness.
I grind against his hip needing friction. The feeling sobers him. His hands pull down my trousers and boxers hesitantly. I hiss when his large hands grab my member expertly.
His stained fingers massage the engorged flesh. And I smirk when he's the one to whimper.
"Severus, making me feel good." Those are the only words I can manage.
"That's kind of the point." I feel close. I'm pleased watching him rubbing his own erection through his pants. From the way he's panting, I know he's close too.
"You look amazing when you're in pleasure." He whines loud while gasping and strokes me faster.
"You're beautiful." His words are quiet and I question if I imagined it. When his hand leaves my shaft to massage my balls I moan loudly. This only encourages him.
"Severus, I'm going to cum." He doesn't say anything and instead uses his other hand to stroke my shaft. "Severus, that's too much." When his hand strokes me faster I wonder if he's even listening. "Ahh. Fuck." I groan as I release. Once I come down from my high I look at the white splatters covering my slightly annoyed, slightly indifferent boyfriend. I don't mean to laugh. "Severus, you look really good covered in my cum." He doesn't say anything and uses his sleeve to wipe my cum from his face. "Let me take care of you now." His cheeks are slightly red.
"Um. Actually." Looking down I can see a slight wet stain in his lap. "I came a while ago." He says a cleansing spell and helps me up.
"It's late love, let's go to bed. If you want, I'll help you grade tomorrow." He nods accepting my help.
"Sirius. I would like to try intercourse with you." I turn to look at him in shock. "Not tonight. The weekend. When we do not have to worry about classes." I smile at him.
"Normally this type of thing is a spur of the moment activity. But it would make sense for you to plan it out."
"Are you okay with that?"
"Of course I am Severus. Gives me plenty of time to prepare."
"Prepare?" I nod at him.
"Yes. I think it's about time we went on our first date." His face is blank, but his eyes are wide.
"That sounds nice. I've not really been on a date per say."
"I'll take care of everything. I'll pick up my lovely date Saturday at noon."
"Wonderful. Does your lovely date realize I'm coming too?" He says dismissively. "Fine, you talked me into it. Just. Something low key. Please." I kiss his cheek and pull him into bed.
"Naturally my love. Sirius Black is the definition of low key."
"I'm doomed."