Eleven

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or characters thereof.

In ways, life was simpler before I had friends. It was easier before my fifth family. At least everyone else had known who I'd been. I hadn't had to pretend for anyone. Now I was trapped – cornered, it felt – because of my new ties. These people didn't know me. They didn't know the struggles I had. They didn't know the mistakes I'd made. In a way, I knew I'd done this to myself. I'd put up as many walls as I could to keep them all out. I could protect them.

I could protect myself.

But it was no good now. I had no one I could turn to now. I had to face these new pains all alone. And I couldn't let anyone know. Why? Because I'd trapped myself for a reason – all my work would not be in vain. I would protect those I cared most about. I wouldn't hurt anyone again. I wouldn't risk hurting myself again.

And I would do anything to achieve this.

My heart was pounding rapidly in my chest as I lifted my head and looked above the toilet I was still hovering over. My body was aching and throbbing all over. I had to be sick. I shook my head, ignoring the hammering it caused. The hallucinations were back, tale-tell sign that I was losing it again. Not that I'd ever been sane to begin with. Sighing, I retched again and wondered if I'd ever get to leave the bathroom.

While I sat there, trying to catch my breath again, I started thinking. Well, I suppose strategizing would be a better word. I'd already known that I'd have to distance myself from my friends but I'd never taken the time to decide how. I wasn't good at that. I liked going in unprepared – usually. I was how I generally worked. But not this time. This time, that wouldn't work. I had to be prepared and I had to do this right.

In my life, I'd always tried to hide away. I'd never wanted to be noticed. I'd never wanted to get close to people. Not since Amaya. Amaya had been the exception and I'd never wanted another exception. I shouldn't have gotten so caught up with Deidara and Kakuzu. It was a stupid mistake but I would have to fix that. I couldn't stay so close to them. I could not keep leading Kakuzu on. I refused to let him think that we'd have any sort of future together when I knew we didn't.

But there was more to it. I couldn't risk getting sent back to the Institute. I flinched when I thought about it. It had been terrifying. I'd felt like I was being pushed farther away from sanity in that stupid white room. I'd felt like I would be driven to the breaking point – it would have been worse than before I'd been put away. I spit into the toilet, hating that phrase. I'd always thought I'd been referred to as a deranged dog when they said "put away" with all that contempt in their voices.

I wouldn't go back. I would cut off all ties to stay where I was. I would put up with all of the glares heated with hatred at school and I would tell lies to my mother to keep her at bay. There was no way I'd go back to that place. Not if I had any chance at staying.

Amaya smiled up at me, trusting me completely despite the fact that she knew what I was. She knew I was an untreated schizophrenic. But she still trusted me. We walked up to my house and went inside. We often spent hours sitting in the living room doing homework or watching TV or just talking.

Today was different, however. I knew it and I was surprised she couldn't feel it. The voices had been chattering away all day and I'd listened, somewhat intently. I didn't like what they were planning – they had no set time. I'd thought throughout the day that they would take over but no such luck yet. I was still tense. I'd tried telling her to go home and not come with me. But it didn't work. She thought I was being silly. She couldn't understand why I was acting so weird. She wanted to comfort me.

I was beyond comforting. I was too lost in my panic to listen to her "comforting" words.

My parents weren't home, as per usual. That's generally why we stayed in the living room – so the neighbors could see that we were being good little children. We originally started in the living room like usual. My intentions were to stay there. We started on homework, talking idly about stupid teachers and such. But we didn't stay in there nearly long enough. Jay took over for a few minutes, casually suggesting we go to my room for awhile.

As they'd predicted, she eagerly accepted the invite. I'd never showed her my room before. I regretted it. We wandered down the hall to my room. I held the door open for her and then followed inside, closing the door behind me. I pressed myself up against the door and relished in the break where I had control over my mind. Then Sky took over. He explained a few items that were on my shelves or dresser, pausing to elaborate on my alter for Jashin.

I hated the expression on her face. It was brief but it showed how horrified she was. Then she quickly composed herself and commented on how it was interesting. Sky snickered and taunted her with the idea that she knew it wasn't, that she was scared. Then he started going off about how she should be. How she should be terrified and should try to run. How he'd hunt her down and it would all just be a fun game. I – he – laughed loudly. She shrank back a little and inched toward the door.

But I grabbed her wrist earnestly. "Don't go yet," I whispered sadistically, tracing an unidentifiable doodle on her arm with my free hand. "The fun has only just begun." And then, rather casually, I reached behind me and grabbed my dagger from on top of my dresser where it sat beside my alter.

I think that's about when she started crying. Inside my head, I was screaming. I was furious and scared. I didn't want this to be happening. I wanted to wake up and have this just be a terrible nightmare.

But it wasn't. And it had only just begun anyway.

I took the dagger to her skin and let the point hover just above her arm. She told me that this wasn't a funny joke, she pleaded with me to take back control, she begged me to stop. But I, personally, couldn't do anything. Sky was going to have his sick fun whether I wanted it or not. And I didn't want it.

Then I stuck the tip into the first, maybe, three layers of her skin. It wasn't deep but I knew it would be enough to sting. It would be enough to draw blood. I dragged it along, doodling the same way I had been a few minutes ago. She was crying but wouldn't move, as if afraid that if she so much as flinched, the dagger would "slip".

I tried to block out what he was doing after that. Inside my head, I closed my eyes and pretended I couldn't hear her screaming at him to stop. When I was aware of Kristopher trading places with Sky, I opened my eyes again to regret it. She was a mess. Blood trickled down her face and arms, her shirt had been removed and idle patterns had been sketched into her skin. The sick part of it was that not once had that blade gone anywhere near where her heart lay. Her pants had also been removed and there were little sketches down her legs. She was lying in a heap at my feet, staring up at me with watery eyes and an expression that wounded me deeply.

She looked vulnerable and young. She looked terrified. I bent down beside her and started cooing about how it was all her fault that she was in this mess to begin with. If she'd taken my warnings seriously when we'd first met – the ones where I'd tried to tell her that it was a bad idea to get involved with me – she wouldn't have to pay now. Kristopher could hold a grudge, I'd learned that that day.

Amaya whimpered and told me that she didn't know what I was talking about. That she didn't understand. She closed her eyes and I knew she just didn't want to understand. I started casually playing with one of her bra straps while I explained how the voices were in control. They didn't approve of me having friends. They didn't think that they would be good for me – they'd destroy everything they'd molded me into. I would no longer be me.

I yanked down her bra strap and just stared at her. Then I reached behind her and undid the bra. She whispered something I didn't quite catch but Kristopher was uninterested at that point and didn't ask for clarification. Instead, he removed the article of clothing and set it aside, staring hungrily at her.

I wanted to blank out. I didn't want to watch this. But I wasn't lucky enough at that point. I had to deal with my hands removing her underwear and then my hands groping her, touching everywhere. I had to listen to her cry and whine. I had to watch myself hold her thrashing body down.

It was only then that I was able to squeeze my eyes shut. I heard her scream get cut off as I disappeared, ignoring everything. I refused to know what happened to her after that.

But I woke up. I had to at some point. When I did, I was in control again. I was on my knees a few feet away from where her nude and mutilated body was curled into a corner. I whispered her name, afraid she was dead but, more than anything, afraid she was alive. Her head twitched ever so slightly and a wide eye fell upon my face. My heart sank. I started frantically whispering apologies, wanting her to understand. I wanted her to know that I hadn't meant what I'd done.

However, fate was against me. She started screaming obscenities at me. And the inevitable words, "You're a monster, Hidan! If you weren't so afraid of yourself, you would be able to fix it all. You wouldn't be this way. You're insane, you're horrible. A freak. A disaster. A fucking monster! I hate you. I should have listened. I should have stayed away. You don't deserve friends! You don't deserve anyone who cares!"

There was a heavy silence after that in which I heard sirens and panicked. I couldn't let it end this way. I had to make it up to her somehow. "I won't forget you, Amaya. I won't forget what my cage of a body has done to you." I paused and then added with a note of finality, "I promise."

"You deserve to suffer," she hissed venomously. The next thing I knew, the police were inside. The soaked up the scene and wasted no time in arresting me. After forcing me into some jeans, I was taken into custody.

I don't remember my case very well. It was unusual and I generally tried to block it out. The judge was ready to give me an adult sentence for rape and attempted murder - although that second part was a lie. Then Kristopher broke through and started screaming at everyone. He told them that I was insane; they were talking to him and not me. He told them so many things. And in the end, the court ruled me mentally unsound. I would be put in juvie for a year and an institute for another. If, by chance, my condition were to improve, I had the potential to be let out on time or early. If not, I had the potential of several years in that asylum.

My parents withdrew their guardianship over me after they'd signed the papers. They didn't want me anymore. The fucking liars. They'd lied to me. They'd told me they'd care even if this happened. I suppose they hadn't really expected it, however. And I'm sure as hell they didn't expect me to go mental enough to rape a girl.

But I had. Or rather, it looked as though I had. I sat in juvie for my year. I did what I was told and only fought back the other kids when I was sure a guard was looking away. Interestingly enough, I was sent to the Institute early.

I remember that room. It was my room and I'm sure that if I went back, it would still be there waiting for me. It was simple enough, white and padded. Of course, I didn't start there. I started in one of the "good" rooms. It had a bed and a sink and was much like juvie only the people were nicer and I didn't have a cellmate. I went to therapy when told. But their words were evil. I hated them all for what they said to me. They told me it was okay to be crazy, that the voices weren't real and I didn't have to listen to them.

They were wrong, oh so wrong. And I would prove it to them. In a way, I wanted them to be right. I wanted to soak up their words and believe them to the point that they would magically work. Kristopher, Sky, and Jay despised their words. They reminded me on a daily basis that all those sessions I went to were lies. There was a point where I honestly wondered if I was living in a dream, that I wasn't in a reality anymore. That was when I screamed at them. I told them they were all wrong. I told them that they couldn't keep me locked up for long. I told them the voices were real and nothing they said could keep them at bay. I'm pretty sure I hit a few people too.

I said and did it all under the idea that I was not, in fact, living in reality. So it struck me as odd when I ended up in the padded cell. I was confused and angry. Nothing was going right. I felt helpless and hopeless. All I could see was white. That first day was one of the worst. There were these built in florescent lights that let off a very annoying buzzing sound. I remember staring up at them for several hours, contemplating how I would get up there when I currently had a straight jacket on and no means to get that high. I wanted to be that high. I needed to be up there because that's where the lights were and that's where the glass – or maybe plastic – would be. That's where my freedom would lie.

Then the lights went off and I was plunged into darkness. Caught off guard, I started panicking. I didn't like the dark. The shadows moved and writhed and the voices whispered in my ears and I swear I could feel their breath down my neck. I went wild, desperate for a light of some sort. I started screaming and thrashing. "I want out!" I screeched over and over until my voice was almost completely gone. I threw myself against my walls, with no real effect, until I didn't have the strength to get back up. I ended up staring at the ceiling blankly, unable to ignore my fears that crept up on me. They slid around me and made my skin crawl.

"I want out…" I whispered again and again throughout the night. Not once did I sleep that first night. I was too scared to close my eyes. I was afraid that I wouldn't be me the next morning; I was afraid of my dreams; I was afraid that if I fell asleep, I might miss the light coming back on. Instead, I just lay there whispering those three words continuously until I saw the light again. Even then, I waited a good hour to make sure that it wasn't going to flicker off before I fell into a restless sleep.

I did this for the good part of the year – envisioning what it would be like to murder myself with the glass from the florescent light above me and panicking at night. I did add praying dutifully to Jashin to my list of things I did while locked up in that cell. In fact, praying took up the better part of my day and sometimes calmed me enough at night that I would stop my thrashing early. It was during this time in the cell that imaginary pressure started pushing down on me, consuming me. It scared me and it threatened to take me over the edge – where absolutely nothing would be real anymore. This was such the case when I started seeing the voices before me as they spoke. Sometimes they'd be talking to me but more often than not they'd be talking to each other. It unnerved me.

But I controlled myself and by the end of the year, I had stopped thrashing at night. I contained myself to whisperings in the night instead of open conversations during the day. I stopped threatening the people who gave me my food and took me to the bathroom. I stopped glaring at the guards who stood attention by my door. I'd forced myself to calm down. The voices calmed themselves down as well – to the point that I thought they might actually be going away. When my sentence was up, they tested me and deemed me sane enough to leave. Apparently, I'd been put under surveillance as well and a couple was waiting to adopt me. I thought this was odd but didn't object, wanting more than anything to just start over. I just wanted a brand new life to live.

I went through three other homes before I ended up where I was today.

Eventually, I stopped vomiting enough to stumble my way to the office to explain why I wasn't in first period. Then I was sent to the nurse where I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. I couldn't stop thinking while I lay there. I'd come to some sort of loose decision about what I was to do with my friends. I figured that Deidara would be easy enough to fend off with harsh words and his boyfriend would just follow – he listened quite well to the blonde despite being such a stuck-up bastard. I was sure that everyone else would follow suit if I gave them the cold shoulder long enough. It was Kakuzu that would be the problem. I was sure that if I told him off, he would refuse to listen to me. He was used to harassing, mean, and dark words. I wouldn't be able to fool him under that pretense. If anything, I would just piss him off more.

But he wouldn't leave. I somehow had to convince him that I was pointless. I frowned deeply, contemplating that. I knew that I was worthless. I knew that my friends were stupid for being my friends. Yet, I couldn't begin to decide how I would be able to convey this to Kakuzu. It seemed rather impossible without letting him know who I really was. And I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk anyone knowing anything more about me. I had to shake them all off. I had to get them to all hate me.

Something deep within me twisted painfully at the idea. I'd begun to like Kakuzu – a lot and that was dangerous. It was not only dangerous for him but for myself. I had put myself in a scary situation with him and I needed out. I would not relive past experiences.

I guessed that I would just need to give Kakuzu a repeat of his own. I needed to tell him off in a similar way Sasori had. Re-inflicted wounds hurt most, after all.

A/N: Wow. Hidan sounds rather selfish in this chapter…

I did finally put in what the crap is up with Hidan. What the deal is with Amaya and the asylum and all that fun stuff. And I'm finally getting around to something near the end of the story, I believe. I'm not entirely sure this will be much longer…

Anyway, I hope that this story made up for the last one (because I didn't feel that I did a very good job with it). I also hope you now understand my precaution with bumping up the rating to M. Ha-ha.

Thanks so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts I got last time. I really appreciate them. It makes me feel like this story hasn't completely gone to crap. XD So, please review and tell me what you think of this chapter. :)