Chapter Eleven: Then I Crashed Into You
Dean was sitting on the living room couch strumming his guitar. He was playing around with learning this song by Daughtry, called Crashed. He wanted to sing it to Cas. He thought he was alone, Cas had taken Frankie to get some new clothes. He was strumming and began to sing with his melodious voice. Dean could have been a singer professionally had he chosen to be.
Well, I was moving at the speed of sound
Head spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't I was going down, yeah yeah
Where I've been, well it's all a blur
What I was looking for, I'm not sure
Too late and I didn't have to see it coming,
Yeah, yeah
And then I crashed into you
And I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me.,
But then you breathed your breath in me,
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away
Somehow, I couldn't stop myself
I just wanted to know how it felt
Too strong, I couldn't hold on,
Yeah, yeah
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Of how and why this happened
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing
yeah , yeah
From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need
Oh, just what I need
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train
You will consume me,
And I can't walk away
Dean lost himself in the lyrics, it was how felt about Cas. He sang with a voice that was raw and powerful. He was startled out of his performance when he heard Cas clapping. Dean looked at him. Cas' eyes were full of tears. He crossed the room to Dean, and he looked into his husband's beautiful face. Dean reached up and wiped some of the tears off Cas' face. "You weren't supposed to hear that, it's not perfect yet." Dean admonished, and was surprised by Cas shaking his head.
"No, Dean Winchester, that was beautiful. It was perfect." Cas said, reaching out and cupping Dean's cheek. He hadn't heard Dean really sing before. Only under his breath when he thought no one was listening. Cas wiped his eyes and reached and moved Dean's guitar so he could get closer. Wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, Cas looked into those beautiful green eyes that sparkled like emeralds. Cas let his hands play in the hair at the nape of Dean's neck. He needed a haircut. Cas' eyes brimmed with tears again as he spoke.
"Is that really the way you feel?" Cas asked, his heart was pounding out of his chest. They'd ran into Jo at the mall, and Frankie had insisted on Jo being the one to buy her new clothes. Cas had said that was fine with him, he had an article he wanted to finish for the paper. His voice was a bit wobbly.
Looking into Cas' blue eyes, Dean nodded. He tugged him closer, he didn't care why Cas was here, and he was just glad he was. Dean leaned out and kissed him, his arms sliding tightly around Cas' waist. Dean kissed him hungrily, he wanted to devour Cas like Cas had devoured him. Dean pushed him back against the couch, surprised that Cas wasn't stopping him. Dean was used to Cas stopping him so he didn't get too excited. Dean reached for the buttons on Cas' shirt, and stopped. He reached to clutch his chest, and Cas was instantly reaching for his phone. He heard Cas' voice saying his name repeatedly, but he couldn't speak. Cas pushed Dean off him, getting him sitting up.
"Dean, I promise it'll be okay!" Cas said, he was already dialing 911 on his phone. Cas tried to keep his hands shaking. Cas reached out and took Dean's hand, he wanted Dean to know he was still there, and he wasn't going anywhere. "I'm not letting you go, you don't get to leave me, you hear me, Dean Winchester?" He asked, his voice shaking and tears falling down his cheeks. Cas hurriedly started telling the operator what was wrong, and that they needed an ambulance, and that Dean had a pre-existing condition. They told him to stay on the line till the ambulance got there.
"No, Dean, baby, don't go to sleep on me1" Cas pleaded, he was afraid that Dean would never wake up. It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to get there, but it was really about twenty minutes, they didn't live far, and John was legend in Dallas. Cas hung up when they got there, and he was inconsolable, Dean had lost consciousness when they put him on the stretcher. Cas was shaking as he stepped up into the ambulance with them, his blue eyes never leaving his husband. They were asking him a million questions, and he tried to answer them as best he could, he didn't know everything.
The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever, and the entire time Dean was breathing due to the tubes they hooked him up to. Cas was holding his hand tightly, but he had no idea if Dean knew that. Cas was praying under his breath, he had to try. "God, I know I'm not your favorite person. But please, don't take Dean. He's…. He's my everything. Frankie already lost her mother, she doesn't deserve to lose her father too. Please, not yet." Cas begged, his voice a whisper.
When they got to the hospital, they whisked Dean off to the ER, and Cas was left in the waiting room, feeling like his knees were going to buckle. His hands shaking, he pulled up John's name on his phone. He didn't want to call Jo and Frankie until the very last minute, he didn't want to worry his daughter. Cas knew this could be it. Cas counted to ten as the phone rang, trying to get himself calm enough to tell John what happened. When he heard his father in law's rough voice in his ear, that resolve crumbled. "John…. Dad…." Cas said, looking down at the floor and tears falling out of his eyes and dripping off his nose.
"He's…. He's having an attack. He's.. they're working on him right now. John, you should come." Cas said, his heart pounding out of his chest. That in itself was making him cry harder, because he knew that Dean's might not ever do that to him again. Cas heard John fall quiet for a moment, and he knew that his father in law was trying to compose himself. "I'm so scared…. Frankie…. She doesn't deserve this. Not after…." Cas couldn't bring himself to say the words. He couldn't let himself think that Dean wasn't going to make it. That just wasn't possible.
John couldn't find his voice. He knew Cas needed to hear his reassurances that Dean was going to make it through this. John wasn't sure that he could be so positive. Dean had had this bum heart for years. Eventually it was going to stop working. He would need a new one. John wondered if this was that moment. John didn't want to lose his boy. Frankie didn't deserve this, to lose her father. He agreed with Cas on that front. John wondered if this attack had anything with Lucy trying to take their daughter away. He was having to do everything in his power not to go and arrest her for something. She was doing a rotten thing. John was having to hold himself back when it came to her. He knew she was only doing what she was doing to get stick it to Dean and Cas, she knew deep down that the little girl adored her fathers.
"Cas, you have to think positively. I know it's hard. But if you go into this with negative feelings, it's really bad karma. I know that you're a believer." John was one of those who thought you made your own destiny. "I can't get there just yet, I have to be at court with Sam." John was Sam's character witness. Even if he thought Sam had been a colossal idiot for making the first punch. John took a deep breath, trying to get his composure again. John couldn't face the idea of losing his oldest. He just couldn't. "Call Jo, Bobby, or Ellen, so you aren't alone till I get there." It hurt him so much that Cas didn't have anyone else. They had taken him into their family, but he didn't have anyone that was just his.
Cas took a deep breath. "I can… I'll call Bobby. Frankie's shopping with Jo, and I don't want to call them if I don't have to… or at least till the very last minute. Our daughter deserves some time to be a normal kid before her whole world comes crashing down." Cas didn't even think to question why Jo wasn't going to court with Sam too. Cas brushed his hand through his hair, his hands still shaking. "I can't lose him, John. He's…. He's my whole world." Cas knew that he wasn't going to make it if he lost Dean. He didn't even have to think about it. Cas took another shaky breath, and moved to sit before his knees went out.
"Please, come as soon as you can." Cas pleaded, needed to be reassured. John was the only father he had anymore. Cas knew that John loved him as if he was his son. Cas didn't think he could do this without him. Cas knew that John was one of the best men he'd ever known. He knew that he was a good man, because Dean and Sam were amazing, strong people who would do anything for anyone. Cas watched people walk by, people whose lives weren't ending as they knew it. "I can't do this without you, Dad." This last bit was said so softly that Cas wasn't even sure if the other man had heard him.
His voice wasn't as strong as he would have liked when he replied. "You look here, Castiel Winchester. You don't ever have to do anything without me the rest of your life. You are my family now. I won't let you know ever know what it's like to have me not there." John told him firmly, despite his voice shaking with emotion. "No one has ever stuck by Dean like this. And especially once you found out he was a father. You had barely been with him. And you stayed. You love that little girl like she's your own." John was truly blown away that he hadn't been behind this relationship at the beginning. Castiel had loved Dean like no one ever had before. John would stand up and fight for his son to love whomever he wanted.
"You can do this, Cas. Because I will be there as soon as I can. You only have to be strong until I get there. Then you can lean on me, all you need. Dean is going to make it. I can't believe that God would let you two come together and then just split you apart." John truly believed that Cas and Dean were meant to be together. "You are the best thing to ever to happen to Dean, Castiel. You only have to be strong till I get there." John said again, he had to get going to court. He didn't want to be late. "I have to go for now, Cas. Call Bobby or Ellen, okay, and I promise, it's going to be okay. We will make it through, Cas."
When they hung up, Cas let himself break down, his head in his hands, sobbing so hard his shoulders were shaking. He was surprised when he felt arms around him. Cas moved to look up, and new tears spilled over when he saw Ellen. Cas buried his head in Ellen's neck. God bless the Winchesters' fame. He hugged her tightly, trying to take a breath. He didn't know what he was going to say. He couldn't bring himself to tell her what his happened. He knew it wasn't his fault, but he felt like it was. Cas couldn't stop the tears from coming, he clung to Ellen like she was a life preserver.
Ellen rubbed his back. She knew how hard this was for him. She didn't say anything, just let him get it out. One of the dispatchers had recognized Dean and had called her. She knew they had probably called John and had not gotten him. Ellen knew Dean had been meaning to change his emergency contact to Cas. Ellen wasn't going to let herself think that it was too late. She couldn't think that way. Ellen finally spoke. "It's going to be okay, Cas. Dean's going to make it. He's strong, despite that ticker of his." She knew that he had to believe that too.
It seemed like they were there for hours, and it was, but Cas knew it wasn't as many as he thought it was. He was pacing the waiting room, no one had come out to tell him anything about Dean yet. Cas was fingering his wedding ring. Ellen had gone to get them food. John had arrived, and he was here with Cas right now, but he had fallen asleep. Cas felt better just knowing John was there. Cas hadn't called Jo and Frankie himself, but John had. Sam was on his way, he'd had some unavoidable errands to run. Cas was keeping an eye out for him. He knew that Sam might not see them right away.
He couldn't stop pacing. Why hadn't they heard anything? How long did it take to get Dean's heart stable? Before he could get the courage to go up to the nurses' station, someone walked up to him. Cas wiped his eyes and met the eyes of the other person. That's when he realized it was Gabriel. "Gabe? What…." Cas asked. He didn't know what his brother was doing here. He hadn't called him, they hadn't talked in years. Gabriel looked upset about something. Cas kept his gaze on his brother, waiting for him to speak. He didn't even know why he was here. It couldn't be for Cas.
It was a long story why he was here. Gabriel and his family lived in Houston. His wife, she was very sick and needed to be here in Dallas, this one of the best hospitals in Texas. Gabriel didn't want to be here, talking to Cas. But Cas was his last resort. Gabriel looked at his brother, he could tell that Cas was distraught, and Gabriel was actually upset that he didn't know why. He watched Cas twist a ring around his finger. Gabriel was surprised that Cas was married. Especially in Texas, where they were trying to overturn the right for gays to marry. Gabriel cleared his throat. "Castiel, I have to ask you something. I know you're probably pissed at me…. And I don't know that I blame you." Gabriel held up his hand when Cas started to speak. "Just let me get this out. I don't want to fight. I know I have no right to ask, but I need you to get tested to see if you're a match for Gen."
Cas looked at him incredulously. He wasn't saying that he wanted Genevieve to be sick, but his brother hadn't even asked why he was already here. Cas let the anger he'd been feeling towards Gabriel and Michael for years come out. "You're not even asking me why I'm here? You didn't even ask me if I was okay! Obviously I'm upset, and this is a fucking hospital, Gabe! You are the most egotistical and selfish man I know! My husband is dying. Right at this very moment, somewhere in this hospital, he's dying. He's…" Cas paused, trying to compose himself. Behind him, John had woken and was watching groggily and curiously. Cas spoke again, his voice a little shaky.
"Dean Winchester is my entire world. We have a daughter. Her aunt is trying to take her away, and Frankie already lost her mother. My entire life is falling apart. And where are you and Michael? Nowhere, hating me for something that I can't change. It's not fair. It's not fair that Dean's dying, it's not fair that you abandoned me. It's not fair that you have kids I've never even met. I've been praying that I would see you again, that you would come around. And you're here, you're finally here, but it's to ask for something that you have no right to ask."
Here's where John stood, and stepped between Cas and Gabe. John folded his arms. "We haven't met. I'm John Winchester. I'm Cas' family now. I'm truly sorry, I know what it's like to have a sick spouse. But Cas' husband is my son. He's dying. Cas is right, you're out of line. You haven't been in his life in years, and you don't have a right to come here now and ask him for a favor. You need to leave, go back to your wife. You aren't getting anything from Cas now. He's never even met your kids or Genevieve."
Cas had never been more grateful for John than he was right now. He looked at Gabe from behind John, watching his brother's features contort as he mulled over what John had said. Cas was grateful when instead of speaking, Gabriel walked away. Cas let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, and John caught him when his knees buckled. Cas leaned on him, and before he could say anything, someone else approached them. Cas turned to look at the new person, and it was a doctor. His heart fell to his feet, and he wished Ellen were back, and Sam was here, so they could hear too, he didn't think he could get through telling them if it was bad.
That's when the doctor started talking, and Cas' world was crashing down around his ears. Cas felt his knees buckling again, and John tightened his grip on him. Cas could hear this ringing in his ears, and he ran the words over in his brain. Dean was in a coma, in the ICU. His heart was on his last legs, and it couldn't beat on its own without help. Cas digested this, heard John thanking the doctor, asking him what was going to be done. Cas buried his head in John's shoulder, trying to catch his breath. He couldn't be hearing what he was hearing. The doctor was telling John that he was going to die if they didn't get a heart as soon as possible. But this had moved him up on the donor list.
Then the conversation ended, after the doctor said they could visit, as long as it was just two at time and during visiting hours. They were strict on visiting hours around here. Cas knew he was in shock, and he clung to John tightly. He was whispering to Cas that it was going to be okay. Cas could barely hear him. It felt like he was going to pass out, there was a rushing in his ears. Dean had signed a DNR. They hadn't gotten a chance to reverse it yet, they'd been busy dealing with the custody suit. He had signed it years ago, when he was 20 and had nothing to live for, or at least that's what he'd told Cas. Cas lifted his head and looked at John, his mouth working soundlessly. Finally, the words came out.
"Dad, he…. He signed a DNR. We haven't gotten 'round to reversing it yet."
Those words hit John like a bullet. He'd only been shot once, but he'd never forget what it felt like. John kept his arms tight around Cas as Sam and Ellen both came walking up, Ellen carrying some food bags from the cafeteria upstairs. John knew he had to call Jo and Frankie. It was down to brass tacks now. John helped Cas sit in a chair, knowing that he was in shock. John turned to his fiancee and son, and told them what the doctor had said, and he felt as terrified as he had ever been. John didn't know what to do. He told them he was going to call Jo, his voice sounding wooden. John got down the hall, and the tears came.
He couldn't…. Dean couldn't be dying. John had believed that they would get a heart before it would get to this. The hallway was deserted, it was getting to be dinner time. John looked up at the ceiling. "So, you're going to do this?" He asked, needing to rail at someone. God was a good target. "Why are you doing this to him? He's… he's one of the best men I know. I know that part of that's not even because of me, but he's been fighting his whole life. He doesn't deserve to be going through this. He's been the best brother Sammy could ask for. He's never asked for anything! His whole life. He just did what needed to be done."
Tears were slipping down his cheeks. John was quiet for a moment as he tried to wrap his mind around this. He couldn't be losing his son. "Even when you took Mary…. And Dean was only four years old…. He asked me how Sam…. how Sam was going to remember Mary when he was so little." John was getting more angry the more he talked. "He… he had lost his mother too, but all he could talk about was Sam wasn't going to remember her because he was just a baby. Dean doesn't deserve this. Never once in his entire life has he thought of himself first. It's always someone else. There's no reason that he should have to deal with this."
"Take me! He has a life, a good life. I don't want to live on this planet without him! There has got to be something that you can do. You're God! This…. Doesn't have to happen. You can save him. Before it's too late." John couldn't talk anymore, his voice was hoarse. He let himself cry, sinking to the floor. Resting his arms on his knees, he buried his head in them and let himself feel it. The whole brunt of it.
Jo had to call Bobby, he was sitting for Frankie. She was too young to be here this late. Jo hurried inside, and when she got to the ICU, the mood was tense. Jo felt it as she walked up to her family. She knew that none of them needed this right now. Not with Sam's court sessions. She didn't like this. Sam filled her in, and Jo thought she was going to pass out. This was bad. Jo couldn't speak, and she watched Cas. He was sitting there in a daze. Jo went to sit next to him. She touched his arm. "Come on, Cas, you and me will go and visit Dean before the visiting hours are over." Jo knew about the DNR, and she was praying as hard as she could that it wouldn't have to be an issue.
She reached down and took Cas' hand, lacing her fingers with his, and that seemed to get to him. He stood with her, and they walked down the hall to Dean's room. Jo felt tears fill her eyes when she saw Dean lying there. He was larger than life. He was so strong. Jo squeezed Cas' fingers, and he stepped away from her to step up to Dean's bed. Jo put her hand to mouth, watching him.
"Dean, it's Cas." He said, reaching out and taking Dean's hand, wishing that he could feel the movement of Dean's fingers squeezing back. His chin trembled as he watched the machines keeping his husband alive. Cas voice was trembling as he started to talk. "Jo's here, too, baby. We're all here. Frankie's safe, she's with Bobby. We need you to wake up, baby. They said…. That you need a new heart." Cas was quiet a moment, watching Dean's breathing. He was breathing by machines. It was hurting so much to see that. His strong, solid husband was breathing by machines. "Dean, baby, please. If you're in there… you have to wake up. We have to change the DNR. You don't… you can't leave me and Frankie here."
It was the hardest thing he'd ever been through. Cas was feeling helpless again. It was all he could do to keep himself from having a panic attack. He had to be strong to speak for Dean. "Dean, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise. I just, I need you." His voice broke, and he was very aware that Jo was in the room, too. Cas didn't know what he was going to do if he lost Dean. Sniffling, he tried to catch his breath. His blue eyes moved up to watch the monitor. Cas knew this was bad. This was really bad. Cas stared at it, as if he could will to save Dean.
Reaching out, he stroked Dean's cheek. What if he was gone already? What if he never heard Dean sing again? Cas couldn't feel anything. He was numb. His voice was shaking and it was so soft he was sure that had Dean been awake he wouldn't have heard him anyway. "Please, Dean. I can't do this without you. I know I can't. I can't raise that little girl all by myself. I'm not…. I'm not done loving you." Cas said, and he could hear Jo sobbing it was so quiet in the room. Cas couldn't speak anymore. He watched Dean breathing, knowing that it was him. It was the machines. It wasn't fair. Cas knew Dean didn't deserve this. Dean was the first person that Cas had been with that he'd told his past to. Cas had never trusted anyone to stick around once they knew. Dean had.
"I told you about me. No one else knows." Cas said, his heart breaking into a million pieces all over again. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening. Cas didn't know how to change this and it was scaring the hell out of him. And why was he thinking that this was going to have a negative effect on the custody trial? That was the last thing he should be thinking about. Speaking of the custody trial, they were alerted to a clearing of a throat, and Lucy was standing in the hall. Cas didn't know what he was going to say to her. He stood, letting go of Dean's hand. He went out to the hallway, Jo moving to go inside and sit with Dean.
Cas folded his arms as he looked at Lucy. "What the hell are you doing here? I know you don't care whether Dean lives or dies." He knew that was a harsh thing to say to her, but he didn't want to be polite to her if he could help it. It was incredibly evil of her to try and take Frankie from them. Especially since it had been Charlie's wish that he and Dean were to raise her after Charlie had passed on.
Lucy met his eyes. She didn't know exactly what she was doing here. She had heard about Dean and had honestly come to see how he was. Lucy had to admit, some of it had to do with seeing exactly how sick he was, and how it would affect the custody battle. Lucy didn't know what she was going to say, she knew that Cas was smart enough to see past her being here. Lucy brushed her hand through her black hair. "Honestly, Castiel, I'm just here to see how Dean is." She said, trying to keep her expression one of empathy.
"I promise, Cas, that's all I'm here for." She knew that it didn't really sound convincing, but she didn't know what else to say that was going to sound better.
Cas folded his arms even more tightly as he looked at her. "You think I'm stupid? I know why you're here. You're here to find out how sick Dean is." Cas accused. He didn't want to fight with her, but he also didn't want her to think that he was going to accept her just coming here to see how Dean was. "You're the one who started this whole custody battle. You don't get to show up here and try and see if Dean's going to die." Cas said these words a bit angrily, and he wasn't able to keep his chin from trembling. Cas didn't know what else to say.
"You need to leave. I don't want you here, and neither of us has our lawyers. They advised us not to see you without representation present." Cas said, and he really hoped that she would listen. Cas didn't want to have to call someone to make her leave. He wasn't that petty of a person. "Dean would not want you here if he could speak up." Cas told her firmly, trying to keep from breaking down and really crying while she could see him.
Lucy knew that he was right. "So, he is really sick then." She said, he had basically confirmed that. Lucy brushed her hand through her long black hair again. She didn't want Dean to die. She didn't. She knew how much that would mess up Frankie. Lucy was starting to have doubts about this whole custody battle. She knew that Frankie was mad about it. She had tried to explain that she was going to give her a better home than her daddies, and Frankie had gotten very upset. She said that she didn't want to leave her parents. Lucy knew that she was being a bitch. She knew that. Lucy didn't like that she was, she just knew that she had to do this. Lucy's brown eyes met Cas', and she knew that Dean was dying.
"Castiel… for what it's worth, I am sorry that Dean's so sick." Lucy couldn't say the word dying. Cas was barely holding it together, and she knew that it was because he didn't want to cry in front of her. Lucy could respect that. She didn't want him to get upset either, because she didn't know how to handle that. They didn't really know each other well enough for that. Lucy reached out carefully and touched Cas' shoulder. "I'm sorry, Castiel. I know how much you love him." It had been a long time since she had been in Dean's life, and she was beyond surprised that he had married a man.
It was something Cas didn't exactly believe, but it still felt good to hear. "It doesn't matter whether you are or not. I would still like you to leave." Cas said, and looked up in surprise when Ellen came walking up. "Did you want to see Dean?" He asked her, with only Jo inside she could. He met her eyes, and wondered what was going on. She had a look on her face that Cas wasn't sure he liked. He couldn't ask her about it with Lucy standing here, he didn't want to ask what it was. He didn't want to give her any ammunition if he didn't have to.
Ellen looked between the two of them. She didn't want to say what she had to tell Cas with Lucy here. Bobby and Frankie had showed up, and she knew that they had to let Frankie see Dean, it was getting down to brass tacks, and she didn't want to have to live with herself if Dean passed and Frankie hadn't seen him at least one more time. Ellen said, "I have something to tell you, Cas, but I think it should be in private, given the circumstances." She also had some news about Gabriel's wife, and she knew that it was going to get to Cas at least a little. Since he had turned down helping her. She didn't blame him though, it had been incredibly appalling that Gabriel had asked for Cas' help when he'd been out of his life for years.
Cas met her eyes, and he could tell that she had bad news. "Lucy, please, just go." He said, and she finally acquiesced, leaving. Cas turned to look at Ellen. "Please, just tell me whatever it is." Cas pleaded, he couldn't take anything right now, and he felt like the best way to tell him was to just pull it off like a bandaid. Cas tried to brace himself. "I can't…. Just, say it. I can't handle anything else right now, and I don't want you to spare my feelings, just tell me."
She touched his shoulder. "Cas, I hate to be the one to tell you this. I don't want you to feel guilty, either. It wasn't right of Gabriel to ask you for something like that." She didn't want him to feel like it was his fault. Cas was such a good man, and she knew that he was going to feel at least a little guilty. Ellen tried to keep her tone calm as she said, "Cas, Genevieve passed away about an hour ago." She knew that it was going to be a blow to Cas, even though he'd never had a chance to be in her life.
The news was a bit of a blow to Cas. He hadn't doubted that she was sick, since Gabriel had deigned to ask him to help her, but it hadn't really crossed his mind that she might be that sick. Cas did feel a little guilty, but not as much as he thought he would. Gabriel's wife was literally nothing to him, despite the fact that she had been his sister in law. Cas didn't know what to do. He knew what Gabriel was going through, but the part of him that was still angry didn't want to go and comfort him. Gabriel had tossed Cas out of his life without a care or worry.
"I don't know what to do…. I don't really know her from Adam, she was just married to the brother that tossed me out of his life." Cas didn't feel guilty for not helping her. He didn't care what that made him look like. Cas sighed and ran his hand through his black hair. He didn't want to think about that. He was losing his husband. And they had to find some way to subvent that DNR. Cas didn't want to lose him to something that was just a technicality. "I appreciate you telling me, Ellen. I really do. I just, I can't deal with it right now. Dean's… I'm too worried about Dean." He honestly couldn't focus on anything else.
His eyes softened when he saw his daughter approaching with Bobby. It was so late, and he knew that they were keeping her from sleeping, but he knew that they had to let her see Dean. She might not have many more chances. Cas knew that they might lose him, even with Dean being number one on the list for a new heart now. Cas leaned down and held out his arms for her as she ran up to him. "Frankie. Papa loves you." He said, hugging her tightly. He didn't know how to make this easier for her. Cas knew that it was the hardest thing to lose a parent. He'd lost both of his at the same time.
Cas hugged her for a bit, and then she said she wanted to see Daddy, so Cas lifted her in his arms and went inside Dean's room, Jo leaving to let them have some privacy. Cas watched as Frankie crawled carefully up onto Dean's bed and sat with him, telling him about her day. Cas watched, his eyes brushing with tears. Frankie loved Dean more than he had ever seen her love anyone, and he knew that she wasn't going to be able to bounce back well if she lost him. Cas had barely been able to handle it when he'd lost his parents, and he'd been an adult. He couldn't imagine going through it when you were a child. Cas' heart was breaking, while Frankie was telling Dean calmly about what happened to her that day, how many new outfits she'd gotten with Auntie Jo. She told him he could see them when he woke up. Cas was aching inside, he knew that it might not happen and it was hard to watch.
When she was finished, Frankie kissed Dean's cheek and crawled up into Cas' lap and fell asleep. Cas watched the machines, keeping Dean breathing, and he wished that Dean would wake up. He knew that Dean might be lost to him forever. Cas couldn't let himself think that, even if his brain kept going there. Cas didn't want to think about losing him. He looked down at his sleeping daughter, whose thumb was in her mouth. Cas had been trying to break her of that, Dean had been a proponent of her sucking it if it made her happy. Cas just didn't want her to have problems with her teeth. Cas sighed and while he was so upset right now, he was truly enjoying Frankie sleeping in his lap. Cas reached out carefully and took Dean's hand, lacing his fingers tightly with his husband's.
"Dean, I can't do any of this without you. I just need you to hang on till we get you a new heart. I want you to make it. Frankie…. She can't lose you. I can't lose you." Cas didn't know what else to say. He just knew that he wasn't going to make it through if Dean didn't. Cas sighed as he watched the machines breathe for his husband, and Cas wondered if he'd ever get to hold him in his arms again. He still couldn't keep from blaming himself for what had happened. Dean had been making out with him when he'd had his attack.
The next few days were hard on all of them. Dean was still hanging in, but Cas had been worried a lot about him, the doctor had told him that Dean had died during the procedure and they'd had to bring him back. Cas didn't want that to happen again. He hadn't left the hospital much, he was able to get around the visiting hours rule because of Dean being a Winchester. Cas was knitting a sweater for Dean. He hadn't spoken to Gabriel again since he'd seen him the other day, and he knew that Gabriel was mad at him for not helping Gen. Cas didn't care, he was still angry at Gabriel. It felt so freeing to finally let his real feelings out.
Cas looked at the bed, Dean was still alive, but the doctor said he might not make it till a new heart became available. Cas was as nervous as he would ever be, and he wished that he could do something more than just be here for Dean. Cas had spoken to their lawyer, and he said that it didn't look good, but at least with Dean in the hospital it put things off. It was the small silver lining. Cas looked at Dean, wishing that he could just wave a magic wand and get Dean to wake up. He was making the sweater green, so it would bring out the green in Dean's eyes. He held it up to Dean, seeing how it was going to fit.
"Oh Dean, I just hope you wake up before a new heart comes." Cas sighed. Little did he know that his wish was going to be granted.
Author's note: So, yeah, that got angsty fast. Honestly, I'm not surprised. I promise, Dean's not going to die. I hope ya'll are hanging in there. I honestly don't know what's going to happen next, this wasn't exactly planned out. There may be another update within the next few days, insanejournal is down and I can't tag till it's back up. Ugh. Anyways, I hope you feel compelled to leave a review!