I've had this chapter in mind for quite some time. But I had no idea how ridiculous things would get until I started to write it. That said this is again rated M for (Im)Mature. Muchas gracias to all you readers and reviewers as always! I'll take any encouragement I can find! ;)

ScaryScarecrows: I wish I could blame this chapter on sleep deprivation, but I can't. The offspring is back to sleeping! (For the moment…) As for H & M, I do my best to keep them happy. But they live in Gotham, so...

ladylampetia: I love when characters behave themselves. Too bad I write Harvey. Though when it comes to amount of pain in my ass he and Madeline are neck and neck.

TheOneder5: Is it that obvious that I've been re-watching Season 1? By the way, if I ever post WWE fanfic, at least now I'll know who to blame. Have I mentioned I'm quite fond of blaming others for anything I write?

L1ttlebutf1erce: Just like you. :)

(x)

7 Years Prior

Harvey set aside paperwork he needed for court in the morning and worked on closing up shop. It was officially make-himself-scarce 'o clock. By some miracle he'd actually finished his work for the day, and he knew better than to stick around and let Essen reward him for it by giving him some other slacker's work to finish. Maybe he'd actually beat Maddie to the bar this time. There were definite benefits to rolling through after she was looped up three Bay Breezes to the wind, all of them highly amusing, most of them easing things up for him to get her outside her clothing. But variety was the spice of life. Or so The Doors told him.

Harvey was about to stand up, when a thick piece of paper slapped down on his desk in front of him. He looked up into the face of his partner, Johnson. Usually the kid wore his 'aw shucks dimples galore' grin, but at the moment, he actually looked… like he meant business.

Harvey arched an eyebrow at him and stared down at the paper in front of him.

Cut out words of varying shapes, colors, and fonts spelled out:

'Stop looking while you can. If you keep digging you will regret it. This is a promise. A friend.'

Harvey snorted a laugh. "Looks like somebody really got into collage day down at the Yarn Barn."

Johnson frowned. "This came in the mail. It had both our names written on the envelope."

Harvey raised his voice and called downstairs. "Hey, Alvarez!"

Alvarez yelled back without looking up from his desk. "What the hell you want now, Bullock?"

He said, "We got another entrant for this year's poetry contest!"

Alvarez sounded bored. "They just keep pourin' in."

Harvey said, "This one ain't no Shakespeare, but he gets points for artistic creativity." He pushed himself up to his feet with a tired groan and said to Johnson, "C'mon. I'll show you where we keep the file."

He and Johnson walked a few feet over to a tall black file cabinet. Harvey pulled the bottom drawer open, reached down, and handed Johnson a thick, dog-eared manila folder stuffed to the brim with easily a hundred others just like the letter they'd received in the mail. Johnson looked on in amazement as he carefully pulled back the thin cover and began leafing through the contents. His partner said, "... You gotta be shitting me…"

Captain Sarah Essen went to breeze past them and paused momentarily as she saw the file in Johnson's hands. She glanced over Johnson's shoulder at the pages and then back at Harvey. "Is it time for the contest already?"

Harvey plunked back down in his chair. "Nah, National Poetry Month is April." He motioned over to his partner. "We're just celebrating Johnson gettin' his death threat cherry popped."

Essen hmmed and nodded, a 'how interesting'. She turned to Johnson. "Congratulations."

His partner stuttered, trying to reply, but couldn't put the words together before Essen walked back to her office. Johnson set aside the manila folder and pointed down at the letter they'd received that day. "You know who this is from… right?"

Harvey opened up the death threat file in his hands, sighing nostalgically. He skimmed through the papers and then started to cackle as he held up a white piece of printer paper with black typed print. "Here. Check out this one. 'I'm going to violently rap you'. Guess he never hearda grammar check. Or he was gettin' geared up for a battle with B Rabbit."

Johnson held up their own letter and said in a tense voice. "This is from the Russian mob."

Harvey sat back and mimed a lazy jerk-off motion. "It's always the Russian mob. Or the Falcones. Or the Cosa Nostras or the Maronis or the Golden Dragons or the Free Man Gang…" Harvey shrugged. "Death threats from career criminals are the equivalent of introducing fuzzy handcuffs into the bedroom. It keeps things spicy."

Johnson walked back and poked around in the bottom drawer of the file cabinet, before he pulled out two colorful plastic packages. "Yeah, speaking of which… what kinda threats are these?"

Harvey's face broke into a smile. "Those? They're just threatenin' a good time." He made his way over and took the two packages of brightly colored, crotchless panties from his partner. "These are a couple souvenirs left over from Dix's retirement party."

"His name was Dicks?"

Harvey kept his reaction limited. "Last name. Ended with an X."

"That's too bad."

"That's a lotta talk comin' from a guy who's first name is synonymous with a weenie. At least his parents didn't pick his last name."

"It's a family name. Dates back to the 1800s," Johnson said with some annoyance.

Harvey sat back down hard at his desk and dropped the underwear down next to the file. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

He overheard his Captain call a friendly 'hello, doctor' from down the way. Harvey looked over to see his little head shrink coming through the front door and stopping quick to chat up Essen.

Shit, that's right.

Johnson nodded over at them. "You didn't tell me your dame was comin' by."

From downstairs, Madeline glanced up at Harvey and waved cutely, before heading over toward them.

Harvey said, "That's 'cause I forgot about it right after she told me." Yet another piece of conclusive evidence that yes, he was in a relationship. He grinned and waved back to her. At the same time, he nodded to the heavy folder on his desk and said through his teeth to Johnson, "Clear that shit outta here, will ya?"

Johnson hopped to it, grabbing up the folder full of death threat poetry and shoving it back inside the bottom file cabinet. As the file drawer shut, Madeline clip-clopped up the steps. "Sorry, I'm late," she said, as if Harvey had noticed or was even expecting her. "I had to clean dog crap off my shoes after walking through the grass by my apartment building."

Harvey asked, "Need us to run some surveillance and track down the culprit?"

She waved away the offer. "I already know it's this yappy little dog. I'd dropkick the thing, except I know it's not the dog's fault."

Johnson walked back over. "Hey, Maddie." The kid had taken to calling her by her nickname. "Sorry you've got neighbors that don't clean up after their pets."

"Me too. What can I say? Mister Rogers didn't adequately prepare me for the people I'd meet in my neighborhood." She set down her purse on Harvey's desk. Then she looked just to the side of her purse and blinked at the two shiny plastic packages of crotchless underwear.

Johnson scratched his head and pointed. "Oh, uh, those are-"

"Aw," she cooed, looking up at them. "You and Harvey exchanged your Valentine's Day gifts early." She reached up and patted Johnson on the cheek. "That's so sweet."

A deep red blush took over Johnson's face. "No, no, that's not..."

Harvey said, "Welp, cat's outta bag. Now she knows what we've been up to on all those late night stakeouts." He kept a serious look on his face as he said to Madeline. "You know, it's kinda a relief now that you finally know."

She feigned a look of sad acceptance. "Well, if it had to be someone, I'm glad it was Johnson."

Johnson flinched and frowned suddenly. "Hold up." He looked at both of them. "When's Valentine's Day?"

Madeline said, "It's tomorrow." When the kid groaned loudly, she said, "Don't worry. Harvey doesn't need anything fancy. And you already got him underwear in his favorite color."

Harvey rummaged through paperwork on his desk. "Not everyone can pull off magenta."

Johnson wore the face of a man who just realized that he'd screwed up royally. "That's why Tiffany got so pissed off last night." He shook his head. "She asked me what I was doing tomorrow and I told her that I was gonna get wasted with the guys after work."

Madeline stepped forward and said almost sympathetically, "Hey, look, you still have time. All you have to do is get a reservation at a nice place in town. I know it's the night before, but Harvey knows people."

Harvey responded with his out-of-patience voice. "Could you leave me outta this, please?"

She ignored him and spoke directly to Johnson. "Tell the waiter it's a special night. Get her some flowers. A little champagne. But most importantly? Act like you had it planned all along, like for months."

Johnson stood stock-still for a moment. Then the corners of his mouth dipped down in an impressed frown. "You know, that just might work."

Madeline said, "You really could go all out, if you wanted to. How long have you two been seeing each other?"

He stuttered. "Uh, you know, like, uh…" He looked to Harvey to help him out, and Harvey narrowed his eyes, a silent 'like I would know?' Johnson wagered an answer uncertainly. "Three… five months? Something like that?"

Madeline looked at his partner in stark disbelief. "You don't even know how long you've been dating her?"

Johnson opened his hands expansively. "I'm not good with facts."

She spared a moment to shock before she said, "... You're a homicide detective."

Harvey cleared his throat. "To be fair, anniversaries and where Valentine's Day falls on the calendar? Those aren't facts. That's chick trivia." Not that Johnson was exactly setting Gotham on fire with his brilliant deductions, but the point needed to be made.

Madeline again pretended she didn't hear what Harvey said. She was getting pretty good at that. She said to Johnson, "Well, either way, do something. Even if it's just making her dinner and getting her a nice card. Sometimes sentimental things mean the most."

"Nope, uh-uh," Johnson said with authority. "That girl said diamonds. The ones from that specialty shop uptown. Dondero's. They've got those blood diamonds. That's the kind she wants."

Harvey watched Madeline realize that she'd hit a wall and that even if she shared some insight, it wouldn't be put to good use. He so easily recognized it because he wore that same look on his face around Johnson. A lot. "Ah," Madeline said shortly. "Well, at least she drew you a road map."

Harvey stood and saddled up next to her. He nudged her, lowering his voice. "What am I gettin' for Valentine's Day?"

She looked up, considering something. "That can be… negotiated."

Harvey made a fist and pulled it down at his side with a whispered 'yeeessss'.

The kid looked at them oddly, squinted, and then made a noise of disgust. "Okay, that's just… gross."

Madeline gave Johnson with a bland shrug. "What? Sexual favors are like roses for men."

Harvey grinned, cat-who-ate-the-canary style at Johnson. "Do yourself a favor. Date a psychologist. Liberal. Open-minded."

She suddenly spoke in her high society dame voice that Harvey usually couldn't even start to tolerate. "Most of our conscious brain is concerned with getting along with others and making plans for the future." She said, "Unless you're Harvey. Then it's just 'when am I having sex?' And 'when am I having a sandwich?'"

Harvey said, "Not true. I also think about when I'm gonna have a drink and when I'm gonna get my paycheck."

Madeline shared with Johnson, shrink-style. "Just for future reference, once you creep up to your thirties a lot of those prerequisites and inhibitions just kind of start to go out the window. It's kind of freeing in a really… sad way."

Johnson raised his eyebrows at the two of them, his eyes glazed over in shock. He said to Madeline as he realized it. "You're as messed up as he is."

She breathed out a romantic sigh. "It's the fireworks that keep us together."

Harvey blurted out, "Now hold up a minute." He pointed at Madeline. "You are nowhere near as twisted as I am." He might not have many things to own, but he'd be goddamned if she was taking this from him. "You might take these cute little day trips into my filthy mind. But I'm a permanent resident. I've even got up a sign post. 'Now Entering Shameless Vile Gutter. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.'"

Madeline glanced down at her watch, unimpressed. "You done preachin' to the choir, Harv?"

Johnson pushed back his scruffy blonde hair from off his forehead. Then he looked at them both and said, "Okay, after watching you two? I now pledge never to get old."

She said, "He's think we're old." She pushed herself off the side of his desk and up to her feet. "That's adorable."

Harvey grabbed up his leather jacket. "You need me to make some calls for a last minute reservation you just let me know."

Johnson nodded, still looking overcome by the conversation that just transpired. "Thanks. I think I'm just gonna stand here and wait to regain consciousness."

Madeline scooped up her purse and they headed out. "Good luck with the blood diamonds."

Harvey turned around as they were leaving and pointed back to the desk. "While you're at it, you might wanna throw in a pair of those manties, just to keep things real."

Harvey and Madeline quietly took their leave. She barely made it out of the bullpen before a wheezing laugh burst out of her.

Harvey leaned down and mumbled. "I swear to Christ, the kid sets himself up for it every time."

She glanced over her shoulder and Harvey did the same. His partner stood with his mouth parted halfway open, and then he muttered something to himself for a moment. Madeline said, "He's on data overload. We fried his circuit board."

"Nah," Harvey drew out. "He'll be fine." He spun them back around, lazily looping an arm around her waist. "I liked the part about sex acts being roses for men. That was on point."

"I know. I can't believe he bought that."

Harvey halted in his tracks as Madeline kept right on walking. "What's that supposed to mean? I mean, we're still gonna negotiate that, right? … Right?"

She did a good job of pretending that she didn't hear what he said.