A/N:
Wow. I've totally moved on from TWEWY. I'm not even sure I like Neku and Shiki anymore. -_-;
Current obsession: Equinox by Eire Rain on Fictionpress.
It has religious undertones, it's dark and slightly depressing, insanely long, and M rated for a very good reason. Still, it's the most thought-provoking piece that I've ever come across on Fictionpress. I can't guarantee that you'll like it, but personally, I think it's definitely worth the read. –shameless plug-
His arms are the only things that matter, wrapping around me, the only safe place in this world of death and destruction. His lips are the only things that matter, gently brushing away the hurt, the sorrow, and the pain that has accumulated in me through the days. His hands are the only things that matter, tangled in my hair, tracing along my skin, cupping my face, touching me with their gentle caress to reassure me that there is something left in the world for me.
I'm not sure who pulls away first, but what once felt so right now feels so wrong. Those clear blue eyes stare at me, glinting in the near-darkness like precious gems, and we both know that something has changed forever. A challenge, a question, glints brightly in the cerulean orbs as I reluctantly detangle our limbs.
Light as a bird, his fingers brush mine, catching my sleeve as I move away, leaving my skin burning as the air whisks over what might as well be an open wound.
"Did it mean anything?" This dream boy calls out as I scamper and skip into the darkness, uncertainty wavering in his dear beloved voice.
"Of course. It means the world." I reply with conviction, as the darkness closes in on both of us.
"We're visiting the Sakurabas. They invited us over to dinner." Mom announces cheerfully the next day, effectively jolting me out of my disturbingly vivid dream.
I mumble incoherently, burying my face in the pillow, not quite ready to come back to reality… until the words finally penetrate my thick skull.
WAIT WHAT!?
My world is dark as my pillow obscures my vision. Yet I can't hide in this realm of darkness forever, or at all. There's something I can't grasp that's horribly nerve-wracking about this statement, lingering at the tip of my mind like those little balls of fluff that are forever propelled just out of reach by the wind. What was it again?
"I believe you know their son Neku?"
I stifle a groan. Oh yes, indeed.
"It won't be too bad. You can play with Neku while we adults catch up on old times. At least you know him right?"
Mom has completely misread my whimper of agony. At this point, I'd rather face a complete stranger and bore myself to death rather than talk to Neku. It's not even like our normal hangout sessions, where I can make an excuse by talking only to Rhyme or Beat. Awkward much?
"Mommm." I whine despairingly. "Kids my age don't play with each other anymore. Do I have to go?"
But the door has already slammed shut with a bang, and I can only accept that I am visiting Neku in his own house tonight. Common courtesy tells me that ditching would look incredibly rude both on my part, and on my parents'. Despite everything, I'm still a good daughter. And so, with a sigh, I drag myself out of bed, throw on some clothes, and trudge over to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
The rest of the day passes in a flash. Time is a strange fluid thing, despite its frightening consistency. The dread and anxiety that swirls in the pit of my stomach seems to fast-forward its passage, so that night falls in the blink of an eye. The more I will it to slow down, the faster it speeds, until I'm trapped in our car, on our way towards the Sakurabas, wondering how my doom came upon me so quickly.
We greet, we exchange pleasantries, we eat, and we finish. And when it's all over, the adults settle into the living room, sipping tea and reminiscing while Neku and I hover anxiously at our parents' elbows.
"Go play kids." Neku's father urges, oblivious to our painful awkwardness, and winks computationally at the other adults. Something darts between their eyes, a furtive connection. I begin to understand that we are not wanted.
Neku is actually "normal" today. No gigantic headphones, no strange outfit, and no baggy pants; merely a collared shirt and neatly trimmed pants that belie his outrageous fashion sense. From afar, he looks like any other stereotypical Japanese kid, complete with the "in" highlighted hair. If anything, this scares me more as I trail behind him into the dark hallway.
"They want to discuss the psychological effects of the UG on their kids, to make sure I wasn't making the whole thing up."
Neku rolls his eyes sarcastically as he continues up a flight of stairs, opens the door, and strides in.
"My room." He states, flicking on the lights and illuminating, a bed, a desk, and several posters of popular rock bands. It seems strangely intimate, stepping through the threshold, and so I stand there, flailing inwardly, until the boy sighs and pulls me in.
"You're wearing normal clothes." I observe.
Neku blinks down at himself. "Yeah?"
"I didn't think you were capable of doing that."
"Oh, well. Dad made me. Guests over… formal attire?" A shoulder lifts carelessly. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"Ahhh. Alright."
"So what you want to do?"
I shrug back at him.
"I don't know…" Kiss me like you mean it? The thought pops up sporadically, and I have to physically clench my mouth shut so the words won't escape. The problem about not thinking about what I say is that strange words work their way out of my mouth.
Standing in Neku's room, I think back to that day that was the beginning of something, and yet the end of another. I think back to the long walk home, the questions and responses asked and given, and that dream that makes me blush with the heat of my own guilty thoughts. Tentatively, my mind works its way around that obstacle, and like a see-saw, my thoughts spiral towards affirmative. Maybe I did want that kiss to mean something after all.
I fiddle my thumbs. Looking anywhere near Neku is awkward. Looking around his room would make me feel horribly intrusive, and thus, is still awkward. And so I stare stupidly at the ground until Neku's soft chuckle breaks the silence.
"I'm not going to eat you or anything alright?"
He pats the soft space on the bed beside him. "Sit." And like a dog, I plop onto the offered seat.
"Now what?" I stare at our socked feet, dangling and swinging in the warm air. I stare at the intricate whirls of the rug beside his bed, tracing the patterns with my toes. And I stare down at our hands, propping our torsos up, a mere inches away from touching. Neku seems completely oblivious. Perhaps I have a penchant for overanalyzing things.
He shrugs, and I can feel the bed shifting under his weight.
"We're still friends okay?" He says softly, as if he's trying to reassure himself. It comes out of nowhere, and it catches me by surprise.
"Of course." I reply automatically.
"No matter what?"
"No matter what." I repeat. Not sure where this is going, but feeling a sense of relief anyway, as I echo these words.
"Alright. So about last night…" He blushes, and as much as I can feel his humiliation radiating, it's nothing compared to my own mortification. I can't believe Neku Sakuraba is bringing this up; Neku who refuses to talk about anything until pushed into a corner with nowhere else to run. I stare in shock, until I realize how deep this mess has gone, and acknowledge that this might as well be that proverbial corner.
Do we have to talk about this? But of course, we do. Tonight, more than ever, I can feel the crumbling of our friendship in the silence that has stifled us. I can feel it each breath we take, each movement we make, our desperate eyes avoiding everything until the last moment, now trying to salvage the ruins before everything falls apart.
I don't know where we stand, after that vague answer of yesterday. We teeter on the edge, leaning one way now, and another the next. Sooner or later, unless we pick a side, we'll both fall, or split ourselves through as we fail trying.
Silence has never been my friend as much as it as been Neku's. He is content to wait while the tension gathers, while the strange fluttering in my heart accumulates into a mighty crescendo. I can't bear it.
"It meant something to me." I mumble. "Just so you know." Not that I guess, you would care.
A pin could drop in the eerie noiseless moment that follows.
Neku shifts again, the rustling of sheets violating the sanctimony my speech.
"Good." He turns towards me, those startling blue eyes pinning me on the spot. "I think it meant something to me too."
"You think?" I repeat skeptically, and I giggle nervously for some unknown reason. That piercing gaze hypnotizes me like a deer in headlights. His face is close, too close to my own. I can feel his breath on my lips, as his mouth hovers tantalizingly above mine.
He laughs back at me as he closes the sliver of space between us, the curve of his smiling lips pressing gently against my own.
"Actually. I'm quite sure."
And the rest goes unsaid as he pushes me backwards, and leads me into a bliss that not even the horrors of the UG can taint.