Stand Back Everyone

Genre: crack AU!crossover universe

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Russia, Lithuania, America

Warnings: language?

Disclaimer: don't own A Man's Gotta Do or Hetalia

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All Dr. Soviet needed was the wonderflonium, and then he could finally be on his way to assimilating the world. The plan was perfect. The transport van was right on time. There weren't even any guards. There was no one in sight to watch him, no one would even know he'd stolen it until it was gone -

"R-Russia?" A familiar voice, calling to him from down the block. Lithuania was jogging towards him. Dr. Soviet ignored his assistant - he was in the middle of his plan, and he had no choice but to follow through no matter what - and pressed the button on the remote for the gas. The van took off, flying driverless down the street. Dr. Soviet smirked. Success -

"Russia, look out, it's -!"

He didn't need to ask what it was, because it - he - had just landed on top of the van, denting it and sending it careening crazily off-course.

"Stand back everyone, nothing here to see!"

Dr. Soviet wanted to hit his head against the brick wall beside him, but that whackjob had just taken out his remote device, locking the van into acceleration, and if he was going to keep anyone from being unnecessarily killed, he was going to have to weave it through startled traffic and pedestrians, and that idiot had just leapt off the roof as though no possible harm could come to anyone now that he had killed the remote. Dr. Soviet couldn't run it into a wall. That would bump the wonderflonium, and god knew what sort of thing would happen after that sort of impact triggered a reaction in it. He had images of half the city blackened, in pieces, frozen forever out of time. He had to -

It was headed for Lithuania. Dr. Soviet's fingers went numb inside his gloves.

Brakes brakes brakes brakes brakes -! He jabbed so frantically at the pad that it only occurred to him later that he could have broken the screen. Simultaneously to this, the idiot leapt in front of the van, one careless shove pushing Lithuania, stumbling, out of the way, and into a pile of rubbish in the alleyway he was level with, and now Dr. Soviet could care less if the brakes worked, which was probably why his last stab at the pad, finishing itself automatically though the danger to his assistant was gone, finally activated the brakes, and the van screeched to a halt inches before hitting the indefatigable self-proclaimed hero of the hour.

"You could have fucking killed him!" Dr. Soviet yelled, stalking towards the idiot, his unfortunate archnemesis, Captain Freedom, who merely laughed loud and raucous.

"As if! I'm the hero!"

Dr. Soviet resisted the urge to wrap his hands around the man's neck. The wonderflonium was still safe. No one had gotten hurt. He might have to fight his way out if Captain Freedom decided to be an even greater pain in the ass, but it was nothing he hadn't done before. It could have been so much worse.

He got an idea of how when Lithuania crawled out of the heap of rubbish and Captain Freedom pulled him to his feet. The look in Lithuania's eyes made the bottom drop out of Dr. Soviet's stomach. The responding, suddenly dawning, look in Captain Freedom's eyes made the rest of it threaten to crawl up his throat and suicide.

It can always get so much worse.

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