"Hi! I know what you're thinking: Isn't this supposed to be Bilbo Eats Beorn right now?! Well BEB's having some technical difficulties right now so, I present to you: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!"

Audience: YAAAAAY! WHOOOO!

"Oh no, wait. Hmmm… uhuh… well it looks like they've fixed their problem and Bilbo Eats Beorn will be continuing as usual.

Audience: WHAAAATTT?! NOOOOOO! SON OF A B-

BILBO EATS BEORN! ! ! ! ! !

Chapter 11: DINNER, Motherfucker!

Gandalf suddenly got up; knocking Bilbo on the floor. "Poop is spelled P-O-U-P."

He sat back down. Bilbo got up and looked at Gandalf. "No… I think it's spelled…"

Gandalf resuddenly regot reup; reknocking reBilbo reon rethe refloor. "May I introduce Everyone?"

Bilbo gave a blank stare at Gandalf. "Come on we've spent 10 fucking chapters introducing these guys!"

Gandalf looked at Bilbo pleading. "Please. I want to make fun of their names."

"No Fucking Way!" Bilbo said.

"Thanks!" Gandalf said gleefully.

Gandalf took a long breath and started. "Going Clockwise: Gnarly (You know that shit, motherfucker), Orgy (Damn straight, wait what?!), Dorky (Who said tha… ooh alcohol), No-fur (Nu-uh, check out my armpits), Buy-fur (Why would I buy fur, it's morally cruel. Well at least I think it is, but *Muffled by a pissed off Dori*), Necrophile (How did he know!?), Kidney (Why did he point at me and say kidney in the singular, guys, I'm scared. This is really creeping me *Muffled by a really pissed off Dori*), Oink (Oink to you too bitch!), Groin (Why does everyone confuse me with my father?), Balding (You don't have to be such a bitch about it)…" Gandalf paused, his finger hovering, pointing at Dwalin.

"Ha." Dwalin said fist pumping the air.

"Uhhhh… Dwadling!" Gandalf shouted after thinking for like five seconds.

Dwalin sighed and accepted his defeat.

"Well that was completely useless." Bilbo said. "So who's hungry?"

"US!" All the dwarves said in unison.

"Well you don't get any," Bilbo said.

Gandalf punched Bilbo in the face. "Don't be an asshole!" Gandalf turned to the dwarves and motioned. "Eat Up!"

"You can't do that!" Bilbo yelled. All the dwarves froze mid-jump/mid-bite/mid-chew/mid-fart/mid-leap/mid-fall/mid-pirouette/mid-… actually you probably don't want to know what Balin was doing. This is a T-rated story mind you.

Gandalf looked at Bilbo with a 'DA FUQ' on his face. Bilbo turned to face him. "No one but moi tells people what to do in my house!"

"Dude, I'm a mothafuckin 3000 year old wizard and no second rate hillbilly hobbit is going to tell me what to do!"

"Hillbilly Hobbit?! ,'Da Fuq' face' you think you are?!"

"That made no fucking sense!"

"Well, at least I don't suck cock for cocaine!"

"Oh no you didn't, bitch!"

"You can bet your 'mothafuckin' ass I just did!"

"Now it's personal!"

"It's been personal! This is my house remember?! Oh wait, you don't with your I.Q. of Dog-Shit!"

"Ohhh, now you've asked for a fight and it's fuckin delivery time!"

"You want it that way huh?!"

"Uhh… guys," Gloin interrupted. "I just sort of noticed that you guys are just saying completely useless things, meaning that your conversation is going nowhere."

"You're right…" Bilbo and Gandalf said in unison. "We should settle this like gentlemen."

"A duel!" Alexander Hamilton suggested.

"A Rap Battle!" Aaron Burr interrupted shooting Hamilton.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-After A Crappy Rappy Battle-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"So there, bitch!" Bilbo finished. Gandalf pouted dejectedly and muttered something along the lines of: My dick isn't the size of a pistachio.

"I totally just dissed that old fool." Bilbo gloated. "Or should I say old tool?"

"Ooooh!" Kili and Fili said, remembering Bilbo's disses.

"Kiss my Bag End, lol!" Balin commented.

"Oh look, you watched the rap battle." Dwalin replied with a sneer.

"Hey I had some good lines as well." Gandalf insisted.

"Yah, but you went first so de jure I won!" Bilbo corrected.

"That's Bullshit!" Gandalf returned.

"That's life!" Bilbo said back.

"No it's a rap battle that I totally won!" Gandalf corrected.

"Nu-uh, bitch, I won it! Reverse your verse and compare them to mine and you'll see how much they dwarf in comparison!" Bilbo retorted.

"Dude, I'm a Maiar." Gandalf stated.

"Well, O don't give a flying fuck what you are, but I sure give one about how awesome my lines were," Bilbo said, brushing Gandalf off. "In fact, I'm gonna reread my diss…es…" Bilbo started.

Bilbo stood staring further up on the page for a moment, then turned slowly to NRG99. "You… What have you done?" He said, all meme-like.

NRG99: (takes off his headphones) Huh… wha's going on?

"You… you LAZY FUCK!" Bilbo yelled. "You didn't write the rap battle!"

NRG99: (puts his headphones back on) Uh-uh.

"You never do any work; never publish on time and By God, if you could take some time and effort to finish any of your stories! We've been in the same fucking house, using the same fucking jokes, rinse-wash-and-fucking-repeat every chapter! It's been a whole fucking year and we've gone jack-nowhere!" Bilbo ranted.

NRG99: *singing along absentmindedly to Ludacris* How low can you go? How low can you go?

"You son of a bitch!" Bilbo yelled menacingly. He threw a pitchfork which pinned NRG99's book to the wall.

NRG99: Da Fuq?!

Bilbo grabbed NRG99 in a headlock and pointed a gun to his head. "One year I've been waiting! Time for your final chapter, Bitch! And don't worry, our story will go on; one of your friends, quote on quote, has promised to write it once your gone!"

NRG99: But Guerra will put panty in every sentence!

"Who gives a fuck; at least he'll publish something!" Bilbo yelled ravenously, pressing the gun on NRG99's temple.

Ori turned to Dori. "We have to stop Bilbo from killing NRG99."

"Well he is lazy as fuck…" Dori started.

"I don't care. If you help me I'll give you a barrel of alcohol."

"Just pure alcohol, none of that weak Everclear shit, right?" Dori asked.

Ori opened his mouth but thought better of it. "Yaaaaaaaahhhh…"

"Awesome! And I might have just the thing…" Dori searched inside his bag and pulled out a long black horn. It seemed to have a demonic aura around it. "I present to you:"

"The Holy Vuvuzela of Antioch." King Arthur finished.

"The what?" Gloin asked.

"And Saint Antlicker raised the Vuvuzela up on high, saying, "O Ceiling Cat, bless this thy Vuvuzela that with it thou mayest blow it incessantly at any point in a match of Football, in thy mercy." And Ceiling Cat did grin and the people did feast upon the goats and slakoths and carpets and anchovy tins and tanned oranges and cereal bars and gummy with licorice fruitbats and large peni…" King Arthur explained.

"Lame!" Nori complained.

"Fine then, it's not my friends I might kill before half-time." King Arthur said walking away.

Dori held up the Vuvuzela in front of Ori, shaking. "Take it, for it is your destiny."

"Dori, no…" Ori started.

"You must, for the fates have deemed it so." Dori insisted shoving the Vuvuzela in Ori's hands. "Now go, make it so I shall not die in Vain."

Ori grasped the Vuvuzela tightly. "I will not let you down, brother. I will make you proud."

"I already am." And with those final words; Dori fell silent. The first to die in the long battle ahead.

Choking back tears, Ori shut Dori's eyelids, accidentally poking him in the eye in the process. Ori got up and turned his attention to Bilbo.

"He hasn't killed NRG99 yet." Ori remarked.

"No, not yet. He is monologuing, as you can see, like every villain from every movie ever." Bofur answered, uttering the shortest thing that he ever said, for inside he was mourning.

"One the count of three, sir?" Nori asked.

"Aye." Ori answered. "ONE! TWO! FIVE!"

"Three, sir!" Nori corrected.

"Thirty!" Ori yelled.

"But…" Nori started.

"Ah, Fuck it!" Gandalf interrupted.

Ori put the horn to his mouth and blew a large huff of air.

Choral music played for a second, then was drowned out by an ungodly buzzing sound. Voices shrieked out from behind Ori, throughout Hobbiton, in the Blue Mountains, throughout Dale and even an extremely girly and high pitched one coming from Dol-Guldur; shrieking similar versions of: It's too horrible! It's making me defecate my pants!

But none of their sacrifices were in vain, for the sound affected even Bilbo, who shrieked out and passed out. The bullet missing NRG99 by an inch, instead hitting J.R.R. Tolkien in the head, who screamed out: "No! I haven't finished the Silmarillion!"

FIN… pour maintenant

A/N: And there you have it, folks: The Anniversary Chapter of Bilbo Eats Beorn (give or take)! And we're still on chapter 11 and we're still in Bag-End. I'm really bad at forecasting what will happen in the next chapter and then again, the chapters do come pretty spontaneously. I could be doing my Homework and be like: Aha! I know what the next chapter'll be like. And those are the good-ones. When I try to force a chapter, it comes out half-baked like a Will. song and absolutely horrible sounding post-publication (at least in my point of view). I got this chapter's idea watching 'Monty Python and The Holy Grail' (no shit, Sherlock) and it grew from there. Now as for the rap battle: I was originally going to write it and then somehow have it connect with the Holy Vuvuzela sketch, but nothing worked and in the end I preferred the Holy sketch better so it got axxed. But, if you have any ideas of how the battle would go down, you can send me a PM and maybe I could write it up in a bonus/deleted/Extra/Too-late-to-have-it-in-the-proper-scene-so-I'll-call-it-deleted scenes chapter. Thanks and next chapter'll have… actually enough predictions; the next chapter'll have words in it! Peace out!

-AWSM