Chapter 11

A Knife in the Dark (Meat)

The following morning the five had checked out of the Inn and made a run for it, out of sight of the Dougûl somehow.
Lardo yelled up to Cheesecakeman who was leading a horse, "Where are you taking us?"
Cheesecakeman looked back, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
Hairy nudged Lardo, ""How do we know this Cheesecakeman is a friend of Spandalf?"
"We have no choice but to trust him. He's big and he has arm hair!"
Spam was leading the pony he had bought from Brie. His name was Phil. "But where is he leading us?"
"To Cholesterell, Master Hamandcheese. To the House of Enron."
Spam stopped. "Pardon me. What sort of house did you just say?" He set the reigns down.
Everyone stopped. "Enron."
"Enron? Enron, and where?"
Cheesecakeman looked at him weird. "Cholesterell."
Spam had a dumb look on his face. He danced as he sang.

Enron and Cholesterell.
Enron and Cholesterell.
I'm a fat kid who loves Enron and Cholesterell.

Everyone stared at him.
Spam sung again, higher.

Enron and Cholesterell.
Enron and Cholesterell.
I'm a fat kid who loves Enron and Cholesterell.

They kept walking. Spam ran up to Lardo. Lardo ran, trying to get away from him. Spam caught up to him, "Did you hear that? Cholesterell! We're going to see the Elves!"

Day broke. The sun had been in the sky for about four hours. Cheesecakeman looked back at the Blobbits who had stopped. "Hey! Fatties! We do not stop 'till nightfall."
Pimple looked at him as if he was looking into the sun. "What about breakfast?"
Cheesecakeman looked at him. "We've already had it."
Pimple stared at him on the verge of tears. "We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?"
Cheesecakeman walked away.
Hairy packed up his stuff. "Don't think he knows about second breakfast Pip."
Pimple started to cry as he talked. "What about elevensies? Brunch? Luncheon? Lunch, the sequal? Afternoon tea? Afternoon Beer? Dinner? A Snack after Dinner? Supper? A Snack after Supper? Supper, the sequal? Nightime Tea? Midnight Burger Madness? He knows about them doesn't he?"
"I wouldn't count on it."
From over the bushes, Cheesecakeman tossed an apple and Hairy caught it. He handed it to Pimple and patted him on the shoulder. Another apple flew through the air, hitting Pimple in the head. He fell over, unconsious.
"Pimple!" Hairy yelled at him.

The moon was in the sky now.
Lardo was tossing and turning because he couldn't sleep because Cheesecakeman wouldn't shut up. He was singing in some dumb language.

Tinúviel elvanui,
Elleth alfirin ethelhael
O hon ring finnil fuinui
A renc gelebrin thiliol.

Lardo walked over to Cheesecakeman, "Would you shut up? I'm trying to sleep!"
Cheesecakeman threw his sausage at Lardo. "What was that?"
Lardo had a change of heart. "Who is she? This woman you sing of?"
Cheesecakeman looked down, sadly, "Who said it's a woman?"
Lardo flinched, "Do… was it a guy?"
Cheesecakeman looked up to the sky, "She's a moustachioed woman. Get some sleep, Lardo."

Sweetin Saruman was in the Chamber of the Cantalope at Isengard. His hand was suspended over the Fruit, and a frostingy image was in its depths. The eye of Moron appears within the Cantapole. Sweetin Saruman, eyes closed, appeared to be communicating with Moron by pure thought. "The power of Isengard is at your command, Moron, Lord of the Earth."
The voice of Moron mumbled and then said, "Build me an army worthy of That land of tastebudless people!"
Three Porks walked in on him. "Hey!" Sweetin Saruman yelled at them. "Oh, it's you. Thought it was the fatty again!"
"Nope!" One of the Porks said.
"Just us…" Another said.
"So…" The last said, "What orders from That land of tastebudless people my Lord? What does the Eye command?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?!" Sweetin Saruman yelled.
They stood in silence, "We have work to do!" Sweetin Saruman said, handing him a note.

Huge trees fell over from the axes and treefalldowners of the Porks.
The last Pork that had talked to Sweetin Saruman turned to him now, "The trees are strong, my Lord. Their roots go deep."
Sweetin Saruman hit him in the face, "Stop whining!!"
Spandalf looked on from the top of Porkshank, unable to stop the arbor carnage taking place. He scratched his head. "How the heck did I get up here?!"

Cheesecakeman brought the Blobbits to a field with a tall hill in the middle, "This used to be the watch tower of Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre. But it isn't anymore. It's too bad, Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre was a nice place. But it doesn't exsist anymore. I once knew a guy that went to high school in Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre. But now he's dead. Boy, good times in Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre… good times."
"Why did you just say Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre so many times?" Lardo asked.
Before they knew it they had scaled nearly to the summit. They unloaded packs and Cheesecakeman threw Jimmy Dean's Li'l Smokies at them. "These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to wander around. Stay here."
Hairy popped his sausage in his mouth, "What's wrong with that guy?"
"I'm gonna to have a nap…" Lardo said

Lardo's eyes lazily opened. A weird smell passed over his nose. He turned to see a fire with the three Blobbits sitting around it.
"My tomato's burst." Hairy said.
"That sounds so gross!" Pimple yelled.
"Oh! It's everywhere!" Spam spat.
"Can I have some bacon?"
"Oh, it's in my raccoon wounds!"
"Okay. Want some tomatoes Spam?"
Lardo yelled angrily, "What are you doing?!"
"Tomatoes and nice crispy bacon." Hairy pointed out.
Spam showed Lardo, "We saved some for you, Mister Lardo. Unfortunately it's all over…"
"Put it out you idiots!"
Suddenly, a Dougûl's cry pierced the darkness.
The Blobbits looked around and ran away, scared. They ran up to the pinnacle.
The didn't noticed until too late that the Dougûls were there too. The three Blobbits who still had them took out their sausages and threw them at the Dougûls. Three of the Dougûls burst into flame and ran off the edge.
Spam, Lardo, and Pimple looked at each other. "AWESOME!"
Spam pointed out the obvious, "But… now we don't have any weapons."
The other six Dougûls walked towards them.
Spam turned to Lardo, but noticed that he wasn't there. "Where'd Lardo go?" He asked Pimple.
"He put the doughnut on."
"But he's not supposed to. Especially not in front of bad guys."

Lardo could hear Spam, but only barely over his own cries. The smell of the unsweetened baking chocolate in the void overpowered everything. He turned to look at the Dougûls, but where the black-cloaked creatures used to stand, there were now whitish ghosty things. "Hey!" Lardo yelled at them. "Where'd the other guys go?"
"That's for us to know and you to find out." One of the ghosty things said.
"Tell me, RIGHT NOW!" Lardo yelled.
The ghosty thing got mad and stabbed him in the shoulder with a skinny sword. "No!"

Lardo pulled off his doughnut and yelled. "Ow! That hurt you jerk!"
Cheesecakeman hopped up on the summit and hit the six Dougûls with his sausage. They burst into flames and ran away.
"Hey, Cheesecakeman!" Spam yelled as he cradled Lardo's fat head. "Where the crap were you?! You just leave us with Dougûls?! What's wrong with you?"
"Shut up! Just shut up! Crap!" Cheesecakeman yelled as he lifted the skinny sword that had stabbed Lardo. "CRAP CRAP CRAP!"
Spam backed up. "What?"
"He's been stabbed by a Diet blade."
"NOOOO!"
Cheesecakeman took Lardo into his arms, "This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Stuck-up medicine."
Cheesecakeman ran as the Blobbits followed. When he was a few paces from his horse he tossed Lardo on top of it. Or tried to at least. He fell short and landed on the ground. It cracked a bit.
"Meh!" Lardo moaned.
Cheesecakeman picked him up again and set him on the horse. He took the reins and started running. "Hurry fatties! Hurry!"
The Blobbits ran. Spam yelled, already out of breath. "We're six days from Cholesterell. He'll never make it!"
Cheesecakeman held Lardo's back, "Hold on, Lardo."
Lardo shouted out in a high voice that crackled. "SPANDALF!"
Cheesecakeman slapped him, "No! No screaming! Bad!"