Title: Recovery

Author: ThirstySatyr

Rating: M, for language, violence, m/m sexuality, and squick content

Chapter 10/10: Perfect, though…

Standard Disclaimer: Not mine. Rob Thurman's.

Note: To those of you who have stayed with me through this (all two of you!); thanks. Personally, I think fan fiction is an inherently selfish thing – which doesn't make it bad. It just something that a person usually does for themselves. There is a desire to be a part of someone else's world, and writing fan fiction helps make a connection. However, through the private messages and reviews, you have made me feel like maybe I wasn't doing this story just for me. So thanks, and hope you've enjoyed the ride.

Also, sorry it's taken so long… clearly I'm not good with timely-ness.

Also, also; thanks again. I can't say that enough.

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It felt like hours later that the rumble of an approaching train pulled me from the lazy, melted inside of my head and back into the real world.

It took more blinks than it should have to make my eyes focus out into the hazy dark. I wasn't exactly happy when I finally recognized the railcar. The broken hiss of train doors opening echoed in the empty station, and then a tinny, ghost of a voice called "This is the last downtown stop on this train. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall on the…"

I was reaching for my gun, and a half a breath later reaching for my pants, when my brother gestured for me to stop. I barely saw him in the gloom, and as being walked over by irritated drunk people, while I was naked, wasn't high on my list of things to do, I almost ignored him. But I did stop, waiting and tense in the faded darkness.

Then the distorted metal voice came again, this time warning passengers to remain in the car at all times, the door hissed shut, and the train rattled away.

Right, this was a Ghost Station; no one gets off, no one gets on.

Niko turned my face back to his with a nudge of his jaw. Lightly he pressed his lips to my face, once below each eye. Don't worry, he was telling me, I'll look out for you.

My big brother, always watching my back; kicking my ass when I needed it, letting me fall when I needed it, and always anchoring me to the center of the earth.

It wasn't any kind of arrogance that let me know I did the same for him. It was just the truth.

Without a word we both pulled our clothes back on against the cold, and then just lay there. For almost an hour we lay beside each other in the lost storage closet of the Ghost Station, occasionally shifting on the hard concrete, remaining comfortably quiet.

When Niko eventually spoke, I was expecting it. It was something that needed saying.

"How much do you remember?"

I'd been asking myself the same thing for a while now, counting down the minutes until he would inevitably make me say it out loud. I figured Niko recalled more than I did; it just depended on how much he'd been conscious for, I guess. But even snatches of consciousness were likely clearer than the muffling void I had like an overly friendly roommate in my skull. Clearer then my memories, but certainly not better.

"Not much," I finally answered, not bothering to look at him in the dark. He was there, hand curled protectively around the back of my neck. "I mean, I remember; it's just not… clear, exactly."

He stayed quiet, letting me find my own words.

"After they took you, they sent two males; to distract us, I guess. They were…" I paused; what had they been? I prodded at the memory like poking a bruise, exploring it like the pain might force it to make more sense. When I felt the knowledge bob to the surface at the back of my mind, rising up like a bloated corpse, I thought that maybe it was less like a bruise and more like a bloody wound.

"They were fucked up," I continued weakly, trying to process the knowledge without rolling over and vomiting right then and there. "The bitches that took you... they messed up Robin some, but didn't stick around. After Promise and I got there, the two males showed up. They were crazy; just... fucking gone. It's the smell of the females that did it. They were practically soaked in it; and it... it fucks with them, Nik. Makes 'em crazy, out of control. There's no mind left when an Auphe smells a female. Just violence, just killing."

Niko didn't ask how I knew what the smell of a female Auphe did; he could have, dragging it out of me one word at a time. But my brother let it go, trusting that I would share what I needed to, and left me to stumble on at my own pace.

"They were… okay, when they first showed up. But then they just lost it. They fought, and it was fucking terrifying, but they were messy. They didn't know what was going on. They didn't know anything. Just attacked because that was all that was left in them. I took one's arm off and..." I paused, and had to smile a little bit at that. That was me, Mr Technique. But the humor didn't last.

"Then I followed you," for a moment, I could feel the memory brush up against my senses. The indistinct, grey light began to gain back some of its color; something putrid and awful bleeding in from the edges. I could smell sulfur and dry copper like it was far away, but getting closer. And there was a buzzing sound, something almost electric, ringing in the distance in my ears. "It was days, Nik; I was just running, for fucking ever. It was just cave after cave, and… And then... Then I found you. They attacked me, though. Took me down... there were three of them, all female. And two of them… they… they'd… hurt you."

I finished lamely, and suddenly had a lot more sympathy for Robin; it was just so damn hard to say.

We were both quiet a long time before my brother finally spoke, his voice flat and empty.

"Don't sugar-coat it, Cal."

God damnit, I didn't want to be the one to say it. I didn't want the words to come from me. But as I felt Niko's fingers flex against my neck, the movement so small I almost didn't notice, I knew I would say them so he wouldn't have to. I'd take that much of the weight from his shoulders.

"They raped you." It fell out of me like a fucking stone.

I couldn't let those words just sit there, so I kept talking, trying to push past. "I got up somehow. My throat hurt, and everything, I don't know, looked red or something. But… I think they were fighting. Over… something," I shook my head, trying to find the words that were abruptly elusive. They dove in and out of the static that was ringing in my ears, slippery and too fast to catch. "Then, the one that'd, um, attacked me was going for you... and I, ah… I just…um…"

Just, what?

I couldn't remember.

I sat up suddenly, jerking away from Niko's hand. Franticly, I felt my thoughts spinning – but my mind was blank and quiet; what had I done?

"You killed them for me, little brother," Niko spoke, filling my suddenly choked silence. I could hear him sitting up, moving carefully and slowly in my peripheral vision. "You saved me," he finished, his voice letting me know that this was all that mattered.

"I can't remember, Nik; it's just, gone," I was panicking, despite my brother's attempt to be soothing. My scalp hurt where I was digging at my hair, my fingers pushing like I could reach through my skull and find what had suddenly vanished. "I know it, but I can't remember it." I was breathing too fast, I could feel it, but… I'd been talking, and yeah, it had been vague; the smells and the tastes where mostly gray, the colors washed out, but there'd been something – and suddenly, there was just emptiness. I'd had bits and pieces before, enough for me to talk to Robin, enough for me to start talking to Niko. But now, there was nothing; just a hollow spot where a part of my life had been.

"It doesn't matter," Niko voice was low in the darkness, and I could feel him moving, getting closer, pressing his shoulder to mine.

"You killed them for me," he said it like it had been carved in stone; no questions, no doubts. "You brought me home."

I just leaned against him and shook, wondering how much I would lose as time passed, wondering if it mattered.

"You saved me, little brother."

Niko just repeated those words over and over, waiting out the earthquake that ran its way up my body. I guess the emptiness was finally stepping up, doing its job and swallowing one more horror, suppressing one more nightmare. Through sheer habit and stubbornness I wanted to fight it, try to cling to the faded details. But, eventually, I let it go. Niko was right; there were only two things that really mattered – they were dead, and we weren't.

We sat quietly for a long time, listening as another train rolled pointlessly through. When a third came and went, I realized that the trains were getting more frequent. Which most likely meant it was getting toward morning.

"We should probably go," I finally found my voice, and was pleasantly surprised by how stable it sounded. It had been a hell of a night, capping one beast of a week. I was tired and hungry again, but I was finally home. I had my assurance that my brother was alive, and really, that was what I needed to finally move past the mood swings, and maybe even most of my crazies.

"Yes," Niko replied, bringing his hand up to my shoulder. "I think we're both… settled enough. Demons exercised and all of that."

He was trying to make a joke of it, tuck the past however many days away into something manageable. It was a good coping mechanism, one I was fond of. But it got me thinking.

"Nik… there's something I don't get."

"Just one thing?"he answered quickly, and I could almost hear his eyebrow raise.

"Ha. Ha. Hilarious. But seriously," I started again, trying to give voice to the suddenly nagging uncertainty. "I don't get it – the whole Robin thing... yeah, not dwelling on it, but – he helped. Why weren't... I mean... Promise should have..." I growled a bit in awkward frustration, realizing there wasn't really a polite way to say it. And honestly, after tonight, I didn't really have a legit reason to be so damned uncomfortable on the topic. "Sex with Promise should have helped you get stable, not make you crazier."

The words rushed out of me, but once they were out I felt a bit better.

Niko didn't answer at first. When I felt him shift, moving in what might have been mistaken for a un-Niko like nervous way, I realized he was just as uncomfortable with the topic as I was; past and present situations be damned.

"I couldn't," Niko started unsteadily, all attempts at humor gone. "Not yet. She was…" Niko sighed, letting the rest of the words die, because he was my brother, and he knew I understood. Promise was, and remains, female; and as much as he loved her, that was a fresh wound. The hesitance wasn't awkwardness in talking to his little brother about sex; it was that he'd been brutally raped.

I discovered that I had at least one more good, solid mood swing left in me; without preamble, I was just suddenly enraged - just straight up, fucking pissed at the world.

"Everything is so fucked, Nik. How are we… How are you… I mean, Promise is…" I finally gave up trying to put my resentment-for-the-whole-god-damned-universe into words. Instead, I just snarled, my teeth bared at nothing. My brother was supposed to have something normal, damn it; he'd earned at least that much putting up with me. And yeah, Promise was a vampire, but she loved him and did everything she could to make him happy, to give him something secure. And then the demonic side of my family had to come along and fucked even that up.

"Everything is just, so fucked," I said again, my pointless growls and snarls dying. I felt totally defeated; once again, my brother suffered because of me.

"No its not," Niko answered slowly, doing his best impression of an optimist.

A cynical snort was all he got from me.

"Its not, Cal. We're alive, and we're home," he gave the words to me like each was a jewel, or a child, or a blade finely crafted and worthy of worship.

But I wasn't ready to drink that Cool-Aid.

"So, what, we didn't die; that makes everything absolutely-fucking prefect?" I wasn't ready to meet his eyes just yet, so I snapped the words at the gradually brightening darkness. A part of me reached out wildly to that slowly coming light. Dawn was on its way; it felt like we'd spent the past week of our lives underground, trying to dig our way out, but a fresh day was finally coming.

In the dim I could hear my brother moving, shifting until he was sitting directly in front of me. I could just make out his shape as he leaned forward, wrapping his hand around the back of my neck. The pressure was warm and familiar, and I felt his preternatural calm pouring through the connection.

Pure instinct moved my hand so that I mirrored my brother, and then we were both leaning in, our foreheads rocked together.

"Yes, little brother. We are alive… and we are home," he said the word like it should have been capitalized, underscored, lit in neon lights.

"It is absolutely. Fucking. Perfect."

I guess he had a point. All the other possible 'right now's were suddenly clear – and us being alive really was the least likely. It could have been so different, so many times; one of us not quite fast enough, a monster just a little stronger, torn to shreds or drowned in bloody mud. So many unpleasant dead ends, and we'd somehow avoided them all. We'd made it out of that hell alive, and despite the violent and the wretched, we'd come back to each other. The madness was still in me, just waiting for me to slip up and let it loose again. And Niko… there was a shadow in him now that I wasn't sure would ever go away.

I finally let myself focus on my brother, my vision suddenly clear in the half light. Gray eyes locked with gray eyes, and I believed.

We were together. Which meant we were home.

Everything was fucked up, despite what Niko said. It might also be absolutely, fucking perfect, though.