This chapter was a hard one for me, luckily I have an amazing team to get me through it. Nic and Sri pre-read and make sure there's no drama lama that doesn't have to be there. Iris betas this when she should be in a dark room taking care of herself. She's a dedicated, wonderful, darling person.

Once you're done here, check out Sri's meet the mate contest. You still have a little time to submit too! Fun Meet the Mate Fact: As I mentioned in the sneak peak at the lemonade stand, the first third of this story is heavily ripped from my own life. This night happened to me. The guy in the theater that shrugs us off? I ended up meeting him nearly two years later. It's worked out for us, we celebrated out 17th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago.

This chapter contains references to a sexual assault. It isn't overly detailed, but I've structured the story so that this chapter sits on its own and can be skipped if you want. I feel the need to remind everyone that no matter what, the only person responsible in a sexual assault is the perpetrator. It is NEVER, EVER the victim's fault. If you need to talk to someone about your own experiences the RAINN organization is a great place to start. Talk to someone when you're ready. Heal in your own time.

It's not your fault.

Chapter 10

"Me and a Gun" - Tori Amos

You can laugh

It's kind of funny, the things you think

at times like these

Like I haven't seen Barbados

so I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing

Does that mean I should spread…

February 6

We're all going to retro movie night at the university tonight. Almost all of us, anyway, Edward can't go. He's working. Again.

We're kind of an obnoxious crowd as we head into the small theater. There are a couple of guys sitting in the back row, but there are about twenty of us taking up the first two rows.

Like I said, we're all going to retro movie night. You can't say no to Ripley kicking some alien ass on the big screen.

I'm sitting between Jake and Alice. It's still tense when they're together. They're jostling for my attention throughout the movie; the devil and angel on my shoulders.

Our obnoxiousness continues through the screening. Half the guys here with us also work at the grocery store. Our summer softball team is called the Paxtons. As in, Bill 'Game over, man. Game over' Paxton. They're here to worship. The guys behind us say nothing. In fact, we hear them laugh at Mike's enthusiasm a few times. On my way out, I catch the eye of one of the guys. I give him a shrug, which I immediately realize is me channeling Edward. He smiles at me and waves it off.

My car is full leaving the theater, but my tour through the neighborhood empties it out fast enough. The route I took tonight means I'll end up dropping Alice off before Jake, which sucks because I need some time with her. I thought about asking her to sleep over, but Charlie's on his way down, and I'm not sure I want her around when he's punching holes in the wall. I drop her off and tell her I'll see her tomorrow. She waves to me and then flips Jake off. He doesn't seem to notice.

Jake's street is only a few blocks away from Alice's, and as I turn onto it, he tells me to pull in front of Ben's house. "If my parents see you pull up, they'll make me come in." Ben lives just before the curve in the crescent that takes us to Jake's. "And I want to finish our conversation from last night."

I'm equal parts nervous and excited. Did he talk to Edward?

"Did you ask Heidi out, yet?" I'm not sure if I'm ready to have him tell me something negative about Edward, so I deflect for a moment.

"Nah. I gotta take my time on that, work it out. I told you. Thrill of the hunt."

"Oh, yeah." I roll my eyes. "Thrill of the hunt," I repeat, mocking him.

"Hey, now. Don't make fun. You know you like it, too."

"I told you I hate it. I hate this part. I just wish he'd break up with Tanya so I can go out with him." Wow. That's a confident statement.

"Bella..." I know by the tone of his voice that Jake's not joking anymore. "I don't think he's going to break up with her."

I feel myself slump a little in my seat.

"I know Ben's telling you all sorts of shit, but I don't think he knows anything. I think it's wishful thinking. We all want him to go out with you. I've told you that before. I'd pick you over Tanya any day. He's loving the attention from you, but he's not dumping her."

I take a deep breath.

Jake has no reason to lie to me.

I think he sees I'm a little upset because he shifts the conversation right away to something light and jokey.

It works.

We've been sitting in the car and chatting for nearly an hour when Ben pulls up. He looks our way and waves, but he looks pretty surprised.

I voice my surprise when he doesn't come over to join us but heads into his house instead.

"It's nearly one, and he's probably just coming in under his curfew."

"Oh, yeah. I forget people have curfews."

"Wait. You don't have a curfew?" Jake's completely taken back.

"I don't think I've ever had a curfew."

"Are you serious? You're so lucky! I'm going to have to sneak in tonight."

"Do you have to be in by one, too? You live a few houses away. I'll totally have you there in time." I pull my seatbelt across my chest, but Jake grabs my hand.

"Nah. I sneak in all the time. I'd rather be here with you."

I let go of the seatbelt and pull my hand away from Jake's in the process. His hand hovers for a moment between us, and I have the faintest flicker of a thought.

Jake's interested in me.

But the thought's gone as quickly as his hand. That's ridiculous. I'm so not his type. This friendship we have is strictly platonic. It's why I feel so comfortable talking to him about Edward.

"So what do you think Ben was doing that made him so late?" I ask, because I need there to be not be silence right now.

"Angela," Jake answers without missing a beat.

"He wishes!" I don't want to betray Angela's trust. I know they haven't ─ yet ─ but they've been close a few times.

Jake's looking at me like he's trying to get something from me. "What?"

"Nothing."

But he's still looking at me. "What?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering... You know that Heidi's given me a blowjob, but I don't know anything about you."

"There's nothing to know."

It's a lie.

"There's no way that's true."

"I haven't even kissed anyone."

That's true.

"What?! There's no way that's true? What are you hiding, Bells?"

Jake's laughing. And then he isn't. He's seen the look on my face.

"What are you hiding?" This time, his voice is gentle.

I want to tell him. Some of it.

"It's nothing. Really. I mean, I've dealt with it, but it fucked me up for a little while."

"Holy shit, Bella. I didn't mean to joke around. I had no idea. Were you..." He pauses for a second before finishing. I know the word he's struggling to say.

"Yes. Kind of. I don't know."

I struggle to say it, too.

"What do you mean?" There's no judgement in his voice, just concern.

"A couple of years ago, I went to a party with someone from work. She was home for the summer from school, and I was pretty excited to be going to a college party. But it turned out to be a shitty house party near the store. I didn't want anyone to know how young I was, so I accepted the drinks as they came. Victoria was pretty hammered, too, but we had a pact to look out for each other, so I wasn't as concerned as I should've been."

I don't say anything else. I'm hoping Jake'll put it together.

"Something happened, didn't it?"

I nod. This is the most I've ever told anyone. Alice doesn't even know this. I feel like such a fucking idiot that this happened to me.

"It's not your fault, you know. Even if you were drinking."

"I don't even know. For sure. What happened." My sentences are broken. I'm lying. I know. I just don't like thinking about it. There's what happened, and then there's the narrative I've created in my head. But I want to keep talking about it. Now that it's coming, it's all coming.

"Victoria and I got separated. Someone said they saw her going into a bedroom with a guy. We had a pact, so I went looking for her. I didn't know that the same person who told me where she was supposed to be followed me up the stairs. He closed the door behind me, threw me onto the bed, and told me he was going to fuck me."

There's silence in the car as I gather my thoughts. I'm glad Jake's giving me space to not talk.

"I don't really remember anything else. Everything else, I see from above. I was terrified. It's a hell of a way to learn your fright reaction is more dominant than your fight or flight."

"It's not your fault, Bella," Jake whispers into the car. I've turned my head away from him. It was easier to say it out loud if I didn't have to see him, if I could just say the words into the night.

"I didn't even say no." I don't want to talk about why.

"It's not your fault, Bella." He says it more firmly now.

"Do you want to know the worst part?" I turn to look at him now. "He drove a Camaro with a fucking snake painted on the hood."

"That... wasn't actually the worst part, was it?"

"No." But he doesn't push me to say anything else.